I'm HERE! I'm HERE!!!!!!!!! (part one... the actual move)

Oh.MY.

Where do I even start???  I fully intend to do a complete update, but you must excuse the "messy-ness" of this post!  I am so excited to start sharing our "new life!"  I know its going to be jumbled, but try and follow! :)

I think I'm going to start on June 16th... back in Michigan- the day we pulled out of Jackson.

Truthfully, I'm not sure how I mentally survived those last few days in Jackson.  My mind was saying "SLOW DOWN!!!! STOP!!!!"  but everything around me was in hyper drive.  On Monday (I believe it was June 14th...) we got the gigantic- and I mean HUGE moving truck delivered to our driveway.  Ryan and a few handy helpers, loaded that thing up in no time.  I was shocked by how quickly everything was packed in there.

The night before we were scheduled to leave was one of the hardest- no- more like strangest, nights of my life... (to date).  The house was empty.  Maeve was sleeping with Ryan and I on a mattress in our room and Henry was in his playpen.  Our house that we had worked so hard into making a home, felt like an empty shell.  I remember thinking "Just fall asleep, wake up in the morning. Walk the kids out to the van.  Don't LOOK BACK!"  But of course, me, being incredibly emotional (and pregnant) took a final walk through of the house. 

For some reason, the kitchen was hard for me to say goodbye to.  I'm thinking its probably because out of all the rooms, its the one I had the most input with, when building the house.  I remember picking out those beautiful cherry cabinets (sniff sniff), which were now torn up and all over the floor (we had to dig out the built in microwave)... and of course my beloved counter top- I remember going to the tiling place (9 months pregnant with Maeve) and looking at all the little samples.  So many awesome nights (mornings and afternoons too!) were spent preparing yummy meals in there.  I learned how to become a housewife in that kitchen!!  It's so funny the things you think about when you have to say goodbye- I kid you not, I remember this thought flashing through my head, "This is the kitchen where I cooked my first roast!" 

The next room that was very (and I mean VERY) tough to look at empty was Maeve's room.  When Ryan and I first moved into the house, Maeve's room was our top priority.  I was 9 months pregnant while moving in, and I remember spending HOURS in that little pink room, folding clothes, hanging letters, organizing, arranging, making sure everything was completely perfect for our new bean's homecoming.  I remember sitting in there, late into the night, eating cream of wheat (weird 9 month craving ;) while Ryan worked hard putting together the crib, changing table and dresser.  Those nights were the best!  Looking at it before we left, gutted out, with crayon drawings covering the walls was incredibly difficult.  I couldn't help but be flooded back with all the memories of bringing Maeve home.

I think the hardest room for me to say goodbye to was our room.  And not just because it was "my" room.  This was my sanctuary!  I remember picking out the paint color- it was a bit controversial because it wasn't your typical tan or off white- instead it was Caribbean blue.  And I loved it.  I loved our tv that was mounted up high on the wall- I don't know why- but I did :)  I loved our windows- they were high above our heads and opened out- you could hear the rain but didn't need to worry about it flooding the carpets.  I loved our "baby nook" that pretty much never went away ;)  With each baby, we devoted a little corner of the room to the bassinet and changing table.  We'd always talk about "when the baby gets older, we'll move the changing table out and be able to put our piano in here!"  Haha... that never happened thanks to our fertility luck ;)  We ended up always needing a changing table and/or bassinet in our room! :) 

This was also the room that the babies slept in for the first 5 months or so (or until they could sit up on their own).  This was the room that I'd be awake for hours on end, just watching my babies sleep.  I have (vague!) memories of nursing babes in the middle of the night while watching infomercials.   Lots of preggo cravings were eaten in that room!  I can't tell you how many late night cheeseburgers I've scarfed down in there! ;)  It's a room that will always hold the sweetest, most calm, beautiful moments for me.

Alright!  So where were we?  Goodbyes!  Unfortunately when you move, its not only "things" you have to say goodbye to... its really, really amazing friends and family as well.

If you can, rewind with me back to when my parents moved to Florida- last year.  I was devastated to say the least.  I felt very alone up in Michigan- my entire way of life was kind of pulled out from under me.  After all, my mom was my best friend- the one who I did everything with, every single day.  With her gone, I wasn't sure what my days would hold... would I be able to tackle the grocery store alone?  What were we going to do about Sunday night family dinners?  Who do I get to babysit in a pinch??? 

Well, let me tell you; I am positive- positive- that God had a handful of friends waiting in the wings for me.  In just a year, friends, that I once considered," nice girlfriends to hang out with, who had kids the same age as mine" became my best, most dearest friends.   Girls-  you know who you are.   And I just want to say thanks- again ;)  You're the bestesssst- and most definitely what I miss most about Michigan.  I'm confident that we'll all stay good friends- but it kills me to know that I won't see you on a daily basis.  Maeve asks for her "friends" all the time.  In fact, she just asked me this morning if Reyna could come over.  Anyways, I love you girls and I miss miss miss you.  And we're waiting for a visit!!!!!
(free room, pool access, beach & awesome parks for play dates! ;)

Saying goodbye to Ryan's family was hard as well.  It was hard for me to watch Ryan go through it- I remember how hard it was for me to say goodbye to my family and to see him facing the same thing has been really sad.  The kids didn't have a clue what was going on, but it was still difficult knowing that we were taking them away and things were changing.   

Okay... now hop back to the morning of the move.  (I warned you all this would be all over the place!)

Wednesday morning was even stranger than Tuesday night.  I got the kids in the car and started a movie- thinking that we would be on our way soon... and I also wanted out of the house asap.  It was too hard to hang around an empty house.  The first of the tears started when Maeve asked for her blanket.  Yes, she had a blanket, but of course she wanted one that was packed up.  When I told her it wasn't available- that it was "packed" she said, "No its not!  It's in my room!  Please get it!"  I didn't say it, but I remember thinking "Maeve, nothing is in your room except for some hangers."  After what felt like hours (which realistically was more like AN hour) we finally pulled out of the driveway for the last time.  I didn't let myself look back.  In fact, I don't think I looked up until we hit Ohio.  I stayed focused on my phone- trying to wash out all these ridiculous things that I never thought in a million years I'd be sad to leave- Jackson Crossings, MEIJERS?!  Yeah... I know, ridiculous. 

Oh- I forgot to address the driving situations!  I'm sure you're wondering how in the HECK we got two cars, two dogs, and one truck down to Florida... Here was the original plan:  Dan (Ryan's friend) would drive the truck, hauling the Malibu.  Ryan would drive in the van with the kids and I... and the dogs.  This arrangement lasted for about 3 hours.  It was somewhere in Ohio when we got a phone call from Dan saying that he couldn't drive the truck.  We stopped for lunch (somewhere?) and rearranged the caravan.  Ryan was now driving the truck, hauling the Malibu and Dan was driving with the kids and I (and dogs).  This lasted a little bit longer than the first leg of the trip but it wasn't long before we were pulling over and re-evaluating the driving situation again.  Without getting too much into the nitty gritty here, I'll just say that I took over driving the van (and the kids and the dogs) and Dan got into the truck with Ryan.  This was pretty much the arrangement for the rest of the trip.  Yes folks, I drove two kids, two dogs and my very (8 month) pregnant self ALONE in the van all the way to Florida.  There were times I cried out of fear that we simply would not make it.  That the truck would flip off a cliff somewhere in Virgina and that'd be it.  Or that my sanity would be left somewhere back in North Carolina...  We had angels with us- and after 2 long days on the road, we made it. 

I cannot describe the feeling of pulling into my parents subdivison at 1 AM. 

My parents and grandma were waiting outside for us- with tears, food and a LOT of hugs!  After getting the kids into bed, Ryan and I collapsed- no really- collapsed onto the bed- said, "we made it" and passed out :)

That wraps up the actual move!  I will blog part 2 tomorrow- seeing our new place & settling in :)

Thanks SO MUCH for sticking with me!! 

Hmmm :/

I don't know where my thoughts are or where my head is at the moment. 

I have debated all day on whether or not to touch this subject.

It's one of those thoughts that has left me scratching my head, and thinking "Hmmm."

Ultimately, (obviously), I've decided to take the plunge and blog. 

When my blog was private I had a running list of who's eyeballs were reading this page.  What scares me at the moment, is I could be setting myself up for some harsh words. 

With that said, I feel compelled to write, so, bring it on.

This morning, I hopped onto facebook as I do every morning (CONFESSION! :)  and got a surprise.  It was a notifcation from Facebook that I had violated its terms of use.  I read through it quickly, my eyes wattering, while seeing the words "nudity,"  and "pornography."  I think it took 3 or 4 times for me to read through it to grasp what exactly it was saying.  I had violated the rules on facebook and had posted a nude picture.  "Facebook" let me know they had taken the picture down and I had to check a box saying I would not post anything else "innapropriate."  Then I started wracking my brain, trying to figure out what picture had been taken down. 

I have 84 photo albums on facebook.  YEAH.  Lord knows how many actual PHOTOS I have on there.  And then it hit me- my profile picture had turned into one of those blank, gray issued pictures.  The picture deemed innappropriate, the picture that was referred to as a "nude" picture, was my profile picture of my 3 year old daughter, shirtless, on the beach.

Hmmm.

I got a quick and crazy amount of outpouring of support (thanks friends!).  Lots of love, supporting the picture itself, photography, etc.  (45+ comments in like 30 minutes?)

My head wasn't there though.  It wasn't in the picture.  I have the picture.  It's here, at home with me.  It doesn't matter to me if facebook won't "allow" it.  It's a picture I treasure, and that's all that matters.  My head was trying to wrap around the thought that someone out there looked at that picture, and actually thought an innapropriate thought.

Hmmmm. Again.

Throughout the day, I've tossed a few ideas around; Going private with the blog (again), doing some major, MAJOR weeding through my facebook friend list, removing any pictures I have of my kids that could possibly be misconstrued.

It is the last thought that hung me up.  I did in fact go through my albums.  I went all the way back to when Maeve was a newborn.  I went back to this picture:

http://suziekingsley.blogspot.com/

I didn't take this beautiful picture, my very good friend, Suzie did.  I believe Maeve was 5 days old?  It hangs in our house, and I treasure it.  It will now be removed from facebook, as I'm not sure where the line needs to be drawn at this point.  Along with this picture, I'm deleting any pictures of her (or Henry) that shows them shirtless.

It's so sick that this even needs to be done.  And let me make it clear I am NOT removing these pictures because I find something wrong with them, and I'm worried facebook will "get me."  It's that person out there who looked at Maeve's beautiful picture and thought anything but a 3 year old at the beach.

Anyways, I'm not mad at facebook.  I don't have anyone to be mad at- and to add to the "mystery" more, "the picture" was only deleted from my profile- not my album.  So I don't think its any of my 800+ facebook "friends" that reported it.  Which makes it even scarier.  The report came from someone who really is OUT THERE.  yeeeek. 

The moral of the story, for me anyway, is that I need to adapt to a new kind of privacy.  When it comes to the internet and sites like facebook, and blogger, I can't think like a mom.  I can't post that hilarious picture of my two babes in the bath, splashing like maniacs.  Or the picture of my 2 year old streaking through the sprinkler on a hot summer day.  It's such a shame the world we live in today, but its also the reality.

Anyways, this "stuff" has been running/racing/spinning through my head since I first saw the "notice." 

As a mom, or a parent, or a caregiver,  please tell me, where should the line be drawn?  What should be posted and what shouldn't? 

  

I'm tired.  My head hurts.  So does my cervix. (ha... more on that tomorrow). 

Good night... and please, please, leave your opinion on this. 

last night...

I ate a stuffed pepper.  A YELLOW stuffed pepper.

                                                         Got ice cream for the boo boos.

                      
                                                                  picked up a movie...

       
                                             and anything to take my mind off of this hurricane.

                                                                        and kissed

                                                                        hugged & squeezed

                                                              my beautiful babies.

  ...and thanked my lucky stars that I have a family who is supportive, loving and will never let me down.

annnd..... the truth comes out.

here it comes... spilling.

It's past midnight. This is what happens when my brain is on for too long.

I'm hurting. Hurting so badly.

I know things could be worse. I keep thinking of horrible scenarios and situations, comparing them to mine, and I am instantly thankful. Really, I am.

I have a family. An awesome, supportive, amazing family. They're here- on this earth. Maybe not a drive away, but a phone call away. And that should be enough... but its not.

It's really not. And I'm hurting.

I want to see my mom. I want to call her up and ask if she wants to meet the kids and I for lunch. I want to see Maeve's face light up as nana walks in the room.

I want to hug my dad. I haven't seen him in months. I want to sit and talk about Jimmy Buffett. I want to laugh about innappropriate things, and feel his hand on my shoulder.

I want to scoop my little brother up. I want to save him from the bullying he's getting in his new school. I want to tell the world how great he is. He's the little kid who used to make hundreds of oragami frogs, who only drank orange juice, my mini-me (in boy form).

I want to save my other little brother. He's a good person. It hurts that the world doesn't see him that way. He's lost and I want him to be found. He's trying hard, but he needs more than anything I can give him. He needs healing, our family needs healing.

I want to hold hands with my sisters. I want to tell them they're my best friends and never to leave me again. The three of us are meant to be together. My kids need their aunts. I need the laughs and unconditional love.

No, our family has not suffered a major loss. God has been good to us. If I could illustrate this, (this being THIS- what is pouring out of me right now) it would be rough water. Rough water and seven helpless people bobbing in and out of the waves.

My mom calls 20 times a day (and I'm sure I'll be answering many phone calls tomorrow) and I can't answer the phone 75% of the time. It
hurts too much to hear how different our lives are. When she talks about her new job, I picture her old job, the studio. When she talks about grocery shopping, I picture "Polly's", not "Publix." The distance across the phone is ear shattering. And I can't bear to hear it 20 times a day.

The same goes with my dad and sisters. It's somehow easier to communicate via facebook (or this...hi mom, dad, everyone) than to hear their voices. Hearing them, grinds in the truth that this is our life now. Phone calls and plane rides. Goodbyes, catch ups and packages.

I had a great evening with a friend tonight. We killed 3 hours talking. She stoically told me about her mom, who is battling breast cancer. And here I am, crying because I miss my mom who moved to Florida, and worrying about my brother who is struggling. It's really quite stupid when you line it up with other happenings.

I have my biggest fan sleeping (snoring) here next to me. My sleeping babies are my life savers. Even through this fog, I laugh and smile every day, because of them.

So I apologize for the complaining. However, this is my pity party. This is my blog. My vent. If you have something nice to say, I'd love to hear it... if not, just skip. skip somewhere else...

here's a good quote to sum up ((THIS))

"If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is an inconvenience. "
~ Robert Fulghum


goodnight. and thank God for new days. & hope.

brutal

life can be so brutal sometimes.

not to me... but its hard to process what's going on around me. People I love so dearly. GOOD people that deserve so much more than what they're getting out of this life.

i feel like an octopus- with tons of arms- reaching as far and as hard as I can to as many people as I can... but I'm always one arm or two, or three short.


Perhaps this post would be better left unpublished... but then again, maybe not.

I blog to jot down life's happenings, to remember details of this very day, to get the energy out of my fingers and into this BOX called a computer.

I think sometimes it gets me into trouble... all my typing.

Anyways.

Brutal.

As much as I'd like to I can't heal anything or anyone. I can't. I can put bandaids on. But I can't heal. I can say "It's going to be alright." but I can't guarantee that.

I had a conversation last night about my anxiety. What propels and feeds my anxiety- if you didn't already know, its control. Or lack of I guess.

I am constantly afraid of dropping the plates. I am that person, wiggling 15 plates in the air, running back and forth to each one, making sure that they're spinning correctly and aren't in danger of falling.

I am afraid... no- terrified of losing control.


If I could, I'd take the reigns on this thing called life, and direct it exactly the way I want and think it should go. I'm not the kind of person who likes surprises, trials, challenges or rough terrain. I have (and will) always opt for smooth sailing. A straight course, with a sunny destination.+

Unfortunately, I don't have the reigns. And sometimes (like tonight) I feel like I don't even have the voice to say "WOAH!" (or whatever they say to horses... yeah, just keep digging with me..:)

Everything is alright. PLEASE no messages asking if I'm okay- I am... this isn't about me... I'm just tired. REALLY, really tired. Tired of the relentless control that anxiety has over me. The inability to let go. Let go of people, places, things, thoughts, feelings, conversations. It's like if I divert my thoughts about something, stop focusing for a second, I will lose control. The funny thing is, I don't have any control. Stupid irony of it, is that this is all controlling me.

I'm sure I've lost you all by now.

But if I haven't... say some prayers for those people out there who are on the wrong path. Rough terrain, choppy water, whatever you want to call it-because they're hurting. And we can't fix it. I can't, you can't. A million, trillion dollars can't.

But He can. so pray.

I love you(s)... and (you(s) know who (you(s) are :).

Where Have I Gone?

Sorry folks, this is going to be a deep one tonight... I'm in that kind of mood.

I don't really know what or how to say a lot of this so I'm going to just free type... today's just been a bad day. I've thoroughly hurt friendships and feelings.

I am sitting here, with my head spinning, crying (of course) and wondering, "Where have I gone? WHERE HAVE I GONE?"

Without giving out much info, I'm in a sitch.

I handled said sitch out of character.

I used bad language, I put others down.

I now feel like complete junk.

I am a 26 year old mother. I am better than this. I am better than that. WHERE HAVE I GONE???

It takes a second to slip. Just a quick second and you're down- and in my case, not just down- but through the ice, under the water and gasping for air. It takes half a second to spew out something that should have been filtered. And it takes years for those spewed words to be forgotten.

I was asked today if I was a Christian- (well more of "you say you're a Christian..." type of thing) and I took a long, hard look at that. I screwed up. Plain and simple. There are no excuses, I messed up.

I feel like I need to be stripped down.  Stripped inside and out, drilling directly into the blatently BRIGHT core issue, that is, my faith- or at this moment, lack of. I look at my sister in Mississippi, who is so strong in her faith- and I am infinitely jealous. She has a peace about her that I so desperately want.   You can see her joy radiating through her eyes.  (Meg I miss you more than words).

Sometimes I'm so consumed with how I look on the outside- who my friends are, how my kids are behaving, what my house looks like- in reality, I need to focus on my rotting insides.  They've got to be rotting.  And friends, I'm being so brutally honest here, these past few months I have been bitter and angry.  I have tried and failed at putting band aids over everything- going shopping, hanging out with a friend, watching a movie, cranking up the music in my car-  I know I won't find what I'm looking for in any of that... not in Ryan, or even my kids. I need the peace that passes all understanding.  And I need it badly.  WHERE HAVE I GONE???

Coincidentally enough, the peace that passes all understanding comes from the God who is still holding onto me.  The God that cringed as I said some awful things, thought awful thoughts, but is still keeping me close and warm, forgiving completely, forgetting and loving me.  He loves me even though I screw(ed) up.   He loves me flawed.   He loves me when I've strayed.  And his love finds me even when I am wondering where I've gone.

There is no doubt I will screw up again and again (and again and again...) but I'm trying to find peace in this moment, knowing that, even with how awful I feel about myself and the words I've said, the feelings I've hurt, the friendships that have been scarred, it's okay. I'm okay. My God is telling me its okay, holding me tight, and asking "WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?"

My answer: :"I'M STILL HERE."... I just need some help up.

and here we are.

Today's not a great day. Things could be worse, granted. But I'm still going to sulk, pout and cry... just because I can I guess.

My mom left this morning and for the first time since my family's left, we're not sure when we'll see each other again. She doesn't have any Michigan trips planned and we don't have any Florida trips planned (except for Spring Break in March).

I was my mom's chauffeur this morning and we made the rounds through Jackson, saying good byes. It sucked. Plain and simple, it sucked. I don't like seeing my mom upset... or anyone really, so it was just a long morning with lots of tears.

I think the worst part of day was by far, dealing with Maeve and her feelings. She's a smart three year old... when she hears talk of "airplanes or airports" she knows what's coming. The ENTIRE drive up to Detroit she was trying to confirm her place on the plane. "I go to FLORIDA!!! YEA!!!" My mom would try to tell her that "nana" had to go be with poppa, Maeve said "YEAH! POPPA!" It was just heartbreaking.

I kept my giant sunglasses on to catch my dripping mascara. We said our goodbyes and I shut the door so I wouldn't have to hear her say bye to Maeve.

For about 30 minutes Maeve screamed at the top of her lungs that she had lost her nana. Around Chelsea or so, she finally fell asleep.

When we got home I told Ryan I just needed a minute in the shower ALONE. He got it, and took over with the kids.

That's where I had my full out, ugly cry. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my sisters and brothers. I miss our old house. I miss the studio. I miss the simplicity that used to be. I'm sad that my little brothers are having such a hard time adjusting to life. I'm sad that my little sister is alone in south Florida, and not happy. I'm sad that my mom and dad have had to see the entire family dissipate.

Ryan and I have since talked, and we made a pact- (like Ryan said the words "I give you my word"... cheesy:) that we will not be residents of Michigan past August 1st of 2011. I know I've said that before, but it feels good typing it. Its like I'm putting on the record.

SO... here we are, life carries on as "normal" tomorrow. I am not looking forward to explaining 3000 times where "nana" went and why we can't go to Florida. I'm just tired... really, really tired.

getting over it.

Hmmm... the first time my parents left was hard. My mom and I had a giant tear fest and I was seriously depressed for a good couple of weeks. MAEVE on the other hand, didn't really grasp what was going on. She thought Nana was in FL for vacation (like in the past).

Goodbyes are going to happen once again (today). This morning (like before the sun came up) I was talking with Maeve, trying to break it to her that Nana, once again was leaving. It didn't go so well.

She ended up running through the house, latching onto my mom and crying "DON'T GO TO FLAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRDA!" It wasn't pretty. :(

The "first" time my parents left, my sister, Emily and my brother, Tyler were still up here in the dirty J to keep us company. Emily babysat which was a wonderful relief- and every once in awhile Tyler would pop over for lunch or a shower. Once again, it was nice to see FAMILY in town.

At the moment, my mom, brothers and Maeve are all at the doctor. Alec, my youngest brother has to get a sports physical and since they don't have a doctor in Florida yet, they set the appointment up for here. Meaning, I'm alone... (well with mr. man:) and feeling pretty gloomy. It doesn't help that its raining outside.

I'm trying to prepare myself for the goodbyes today... it won't just be goodbye to my mom, but to my sister and brothers too- meaning, reality has struck HARD and fast- I am the ONLY ONE left in this stupid town. The black sink hole of Jackson is doing an efficient job at swallowing me up. I'm in a rotten mood and trying really hard not to let my kids see it.

There are many more things in life that could be worse than this. I KNOW THIS. I KNOW THIS. But this is my struggle right now and I'm, ummm... definitely struggling with it. It's not just the fact that my family has moved- its that I am still here, alone. I have my family (Ryan, the kids) which are the most important- BY FAR- but it doesn't mean I am ready to do this on my own.

I thought seeing my parents pack up and leave the big yellow house on Morrell was tough. However, this morning, seeing Emily's little car packed to the brim with any leftovers from their life here in Michigan is even tougher. It's the final sting. It's the last thing that ties them to Michigan- and its gone. Ughhhh :(

I am thinking of getting out of the house today- maybe visiting Ryan in Ann Arbor for lunch? Taking the kids to Chelsea Treehouse... something! My brain needs to be focused on processing stupid, mundane tasks in order to get over the big, flashing, neon sign in my head: "YOUR FAMILY IS GONE AND YOU'RE STILL HERE."

I have been reading a lot lately. This has helped. It's nice to get lost in a book and forget your own reality for a little bit. Under the recommendation of a friend,(Leslie), I bought the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. It is definitely a recommended read. It's not only an amazing story, but its a good devotional too. There are a few prayers in there that spoke to my heart. And lots and LOTS of fruitful scripture. Angie Smith went through something that I can't fathom- the loss of a child- (yes, this is where I keep saying in my head that things could be SO, SO, SO MUCH WORSE!) but what I got out of the book is that we each have our struggles. We each have our own losses and defeats- whether that be (HEAVEN FORBID) the loss of a loved one, or addiction, or something as "stupid" as letting go of your childhood & parents, siblings and moving on with life.

I truly feel that Satan is working hard at pulling me down. Instead of being thrilled with Ryan's job, I've hardly even asked about it because, well, to be honest, I want to be in Florida. I am not excited about starting a new chapter HERE. And I'm trying so hard not to let him win- not to let the bitterness, resentment and anxiety overtake me.

This is going to be a hard (season of life?) for me. And I have to accept that even though things aren't as I would like them to be- this is where I'm supposed to be. For some reason- things didn't work out for us in Florida and we are here. And I am trying to whole heartily accept that... sometimes I believe it. And to be honest, sometimes I really don't. But the important thing is, I am trying and will not give in to the temptation of bitterness and resentment. I won't.

With all that said (sorry that was a LOT of scattered info) today is tough. It's hard to reason with your 2 1/2 year old why we can't go to Florida. Why Nana and Poppa can't come for dinner... why Nana is suddenly gone again. It's just tough. And its emotionally draining.

The title of this post is "getting over it." I certainly couldn't say that I have "gotten over it." This is going to be a process (as the reality REALLY sinks in- Emily and Tyler are gone- there are no ties for my family here in Michigan anymore) for me. I have good friends. I have MY FAMILY and I have a God who knows exactly what is in store for me- He knows what is best and He knows the direction to take our family in. What more do I need?

Thanks for reading.

Just Skip... For your own benefit... really- just skip it.

I have to write. BLOG. VENT. Whatever you call it. I HAVE TO. I have been holding it in for a long, long time. Its funny, now that I'm feeling the need to write about "it" I can't figure out what "it" really is or where to start. "It" should be referred to as the hurricane or something. Because it most definitely is not one incident that has put me in this pit. It's a whole slew of stuuuuuuffff. And I warned you in the title of this post- really, if you're not up for sinking in the black tar pit with me, then skip/run/jump/leap for the life of you, over it.

I'm already starting to ramble. Maybe this post would be better bullet style?? Like another one of those random "what I'm thinking about" kinda things?

yeah... I think so.

-what's the big news??? My parents are outta here. Gone. Packed up the moving trucks today. I'm devastated. They aren't moving across town. They aren't moving across state. They're moving across the country.

-I can't drive past my parents house and look at it.

-my mom called me up tonight, asking if we wanted to come over for dinner (take out of course, because everything was packed) and I said "no" because I can't look at the empty house and full trucks.

-Maeve thinks my mom is a normal fixture in her life. Come Monday, she won't be. And that kills me. It kills my mom too.

-I don't think I'm going to put Maeve in ballet this year. I would almost feel like I was "cheating" on my mom or something?!?! I mean, my MOM should be teaching Maeve... not someone else. Plus I'm not sure I want to set foot in the studio that I watched being built from the ground up- that I helped paint, set up, work/run, etc. under new management. Don't get me wrong- Kate (the girl that bought the studio) is great- but she's not my mom.

-I am thrilled for Ryan. Not a lie in the least. But with that said, I can't honestly say that I don't feel trapped. Suckered in? To Jackson??? To this state??? Why can't I get out??? What force is it that wants me here so badly???

-I need the ocean. I need it, need it, need it. I can't breathe up here.

-I feel like our house is swallowing me. If we're staying in Michigan, than at least get me out of Jackson. Renting in Ann Arbor is the 3rd most appealing thing to me at the moment (with the first two options being either A.)Hawaii or B.)Florida).

-I've been letting Maeve spend the days with my mom because I know she won't have her here after Monday. Maeve thinks its all normal... but its not. I don't really know how to even explain to her that "Nana" is not here- not in the big yellow house on Morrell- not at the studio. Where to even start with that??

-the patience level I've had lately has been pretty much non-existent. I snap at everyone and everything. Ryan keeps telling me, "I can see how upset you are, but there will be a new normal." And as much as I want to believe that... it kind of just pisses me off more- I don't want a NEW normal without my family.

-right after Ryan and I were married, we drove down to Lexington, KY. We had both been accepted into UK. We drove down, rented an apartment, and returned to Michigan to get our stuff. We were scheduled to move into our apartment at the end of August- I had my first major panic attack (that sent me to the ER) literally a week before the move. I remember sitting in the ER sobbing- telling Ryan (and my dad) that I didn't want to move... I was too scared- too afraid to be on our own, etc. I feel the same panic starting to rise again. How is it that I am 26 years old and still scared to "be on my own?" Why in the world does it scare me so much to not have my parents around the corner??

-Ryan's promises to move are sounding more like "band-aids." Does that makes sense??? Like, in order for me to get to sleep at night, he tells me "Ash, this U of M job is temporary- our main goal is to get to FL next year." I fall asleep with that idea in mind and wake up to a scratchy, smelly band aid.

-I'm sure you're all thinking "could she be more dramatic about her parents moving??" Yeah you bet I could :) You're not physically here- watching me mope around the house- refusing to help them pack or pick up "my stuff" from their basement. My parents aren't just my parents- they're our Sunday night huge family dinners... they're our "surprise! We walked over at 8 AM to say hello!"... they're our "let us take the kids for the night- you guys go out"... they're our "we'll fix it", "we'll help you", "we'll be here." And now they're not. It's that simple- they won't be here.

-I grew up living far away from both sets of my grandparents. It was normal to see them twice a year. It was normal to not see them on Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. It was normal to get packages in the mail for birthdays. It was normal for them to not be apart of our day to day lives. And deep down inside, I know that this is going to have to become normal for us. And THAT is what is killing me... putting me in this pit.

I'm really scared. I'm scared about being here "alone." I'm scared that I can't do this by myself. I'm afraid I will get used to phone calls and twice a year visits.

These are my feelings. Say I'm an idiot/sap/baby- whatever. I'm hurting and I'm afraid.

through the wash.

That's the best way to describe my mood/emotions right now?!? Like I've gone through the wash/spin/dry cycle? Make sense? Probably not... but I'll try and explain.

For two days, Henry has been acting "different." Here's a rundown of his symptoms:
-restlessness
-inconsolable
-not napping/not sleeping unless held upright or in carseat
-vomited twice (NOT spit up- but stinky PUKE)
-not drinking as much as usual


I was thinking it was teething. Call me a bad mom- whatever. I didn't think it was anything serious- just a mixture of teething & a bug. He had NO fever. While he was upright (sitting, playing) he was happy as a clam. I remember my wonderful pedi- Dr. Williams, saying to me once, "You know what a baby/child is really sick, when they don't play." Henry was playing fine- eating his solids- just not wanting his bottle, and not sleeping.

Last night, after 2 hours of screaming (and Ryan & I taking turns going in and out walking him around the room, sitting on the couch, etc.) I pulled on some sweats and said "I'm taking him to medplus. I think he has an ear infection." To be completely honest with you- I was beat (am beat) and I really didn't want to spend another night bouncing around the house, trying to console him. H was in his pjs- I thought this was going to be a quick in and out visit. I didn't even bother packing an extra diaper. Good GOD was I wrong.

We got to Medplus (on Lawrence Ave) around 9:45 (just Henry and I- Ryan stayed home with Maeve). I checked him in, paid our ridiculous 45 dollar copay and waited for a few minutes. We were the only ones there and I was thinking "just check his ears out, write us a script and get me to bed."

The doctor (the actual DOCTOR- not a nurse) called us back. He took his temp (97 something- fine) weighed him (told me he weighed 28.5 lbs) and gave him a quick exam. First red light that went off was that he weighed 28 lbs. I remember saying something like "What?? My 2 year old weighs 30 lbs." and the doc made some smart comment like "He must be a big eater..." ya know, something like that. I kind of just forgot about it, let it go.

The doc listened to his belly. 2nd red flag- he told me he couldn't hear any bowel sounds. Ummm... okay. His first "diagnosis" was that he had a bowel blockage. I had no clue what it meant- it didn't sound good, but didn't sound horrible. I was thinking, "okay... we can do this... now what?"

The "doc" (I will now refer to him as the "doc" because honestly I think he's a quack) ordered an xray to check for bowel blockages. We went in the xray room, and as I was holding my very cranky, 8 month old baby down for what seemed like FOREVER, Henry started to arch his back and crane his neck. I wasn't thinking a thing... well the quack came over and started jerking Henry's head all around. (cue tears from H & myself).

I kid you not- he moved his head a few times and said "I'm sending you to alliegence- we need to rule out meningitis." WHAT!?!?!!? I think my stomach and head dropped to my feet... I really don't remember the next few things that happened. I know I signed a paper- releasing him from medplus- I remember the quack calling the ER doc and letting them know I was coming with a "meningitis baby" (that's what he said). I remember shaking, while holding Henry- and the receptionist lady grabbing Henry so I could call Ryan and let him know what was going on. Midway during my phone conversation the quack said "Tell your husband you're probably going to end up at Motts." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!

Now Ryan's crying on the phone- in pure panic- I'm sobbing- Henry's crying... what a frickin mess. I got off the phone with Ryan, grabbed Henry and started to make a beeline for the door- the quack stopped me, made sure I was okay to drive... I remember I kept saying "I just want to go- if he has meningitis I want to go now."
The quack then proceeded to tell me that the kind of meningitis he things Henry has is not fatal. I remember saying "Please don't say 'fatal' to me- and I really want to go now please." The quack kept "reassuring" me that the docs were waiting for Henry, and that right away they'd give him a catscan to check on the membranes around his brain, a spinal tap and blood work. (out of body experience- and swear words- that's all I remember at this point)

On the drive to the hospital I was tingly. I called Ryan and told him everything- he was on his way... I had totally forgotten to tell him to bring my klonopin. DANG!

I got to the hospital, ran inside with Henry and true to what the quack had said, there was a triage set up, waiting for us. Henry was categorized as a "4" (meaning most serious). We waited for a few minutes... I got a very nice visit from a friend/nurse (Chelsea- thanks so much for calming me down!:)

Back in the room, they hooked him up to the O2/heart stuff and we settled in. The doctor (Dr. Humphrey?) came in- and right off the bat, I had a good feeling. Now THIS doctor was fab. WONDERFUL. He came in, took one look at Henry and said "This is not a baby who has meningitis."

I remember breathing- like conciously taking a breath- or letting a breath out. He said we'd monitor him and keep an eye on him but not do anything aggressive (like the spinal or bloodwork) unless Henry spiked a fever. After a few hours, the doc came back and talked with us about doing a spinal. Ryan and I both said flat out- NO- that we'd either wait until the morning to see Dr. Williams or get a 2nd opinion. And the doc agreed completely. He felt comfortable discharging us as long as we kept an eye on Henry (like we don't:) and got him into Dr. Williams first thing in the morning.

We got home at (???? Lord knows what time????) and we all crashed. Morning came way too soon. But hearing Henry cry was a good thing :)

I called Jackson Peds. and they got us in right away. They weighed him, and lo & behold... Henry weighs 18 lbs. 5 oz. Medplus had him off by TEN POUNDS. TEN POUNDS!?!?!?! What in the world???? I was ticked.

I don't know if you (my readers) know the details of my cousin (Sean's) death or not- but basically he was given too much medication- they failed to weigh him correctly and he was overdosed with chemo. NOW- Henry was given NO medication- THANK THE LORD- but of course, I couldn't help but to have my mind drift back to the "what ifs." All I can say, is praise Jesus he wasn't given any meds based on his weight (besides motrin- which was fine...) But ummm... yeah, that's a stupid mistake that should not be made. Unacceptable.

Dr. Williams was ticked (to put it mildly). She took the name of the doctor at Medplus and her and Dr. Tim apologized for what had happened. I reassured them it was not their fault by any means- all that matters is that H is okay.

Now... Mr.Man DOES have something going on- we did a strep culture which came back negative- but Dr.Williams saw some red spots in his throat- leading her to think he's got "Hand/foot/mouth disease" ummm YUCK! But apparently, its very common, very contagious, very harmless.

The plan is to watch H. Make sure he doesn't spike a fever. Keep an eye on his neck movements and make sure he's taking in enough fluids.

What a vast change from last night.

Last night, I was told we'd be up at Mott's, watching Henry get a spinal. That he'd be hospitilazed for meningitis.

Today, we have a (semi) healthy (minus the FHM disease thing) boy, sleeping in his own crib. Playing with his sissy, grabbing my hair and drooling over everything.

So in the end... yeah I'm upset about the weight thing... about the meningitis crap... but really, all that matters is this:





I went through the wash and spin cycle. I am now drying out... thanks for the thoughts & prayers friends!

Slammed.

I have been writing this blog post in my mind for a solid week now. No- wait- more like 10 days or so... I don't really know what to say. I mean, I have a zillion things to say... but not sure I WANT to say them... ya know?

To start, I guess I should say this has truly, TRULY been one of the most challenging (emotionally AND physically) weeks of my life. And I'm not a "swearer"- I mean, don't get me wrong you might hear the "H" or "D" word slip out once in awhile... but really, I try to keep my mouth clean. HOWEVER, I can only think of ONE (or two?) words to describe this week: SHIT STORM. I apologize for the language. Both of my grandpas were sailors... I'm thinking that's where this impulse of shouting out a slur of curse words is coming from (or I could be developing adult turrets).

Either way... I am fairly sure you can get your daily fix of drama from reading about my shitstorm.

WOO! Okay so Tuesday (7/6) morning my mom called to let me know that my uncle "Chip" (Floyd was his real name but he's really "Chip") had died. He had been really sick so I can't say I was shocked by the news- I mean, I knew it was coming. Thus began the search for flights. We booked one for Thursday morning- my dad, Maeve, Henry and myself.

Wednesday (7/7) I got a phone call from my dad. THIS time, telling me that my brother, Tyler, "was fine- and okay." Of course after hearing that, tears are in my eyes and I'm thinking "WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!" I'm sure most of you (Jacksonians, that is) heard about the death of Ben Willard. Ben was Tyler's friend and soon-to-be room mate. Ben was shot and killed... and Tyler (PRAISE THE LORD) is/was fine. Besides being incredibly emotional and upset. I have no doubt he had angels with him. He was supposed to be apartment hunting with Ben- instead of going, Ben dropped him off at (our) home- he was shot less than an hour later. It gives me goosebumps and makes me naseuas.

Thursday morning we flew out of Detroit. All in all, can't complain about the flight. I have two kids under the age of 3- its a given that the flight is going to be stressful and less than enjoyable. And it was. Whatever.

We got to my grandmas Thursday afternoon and immediately started in with the planning and preperation that goes into a funeral. YUCK. My heart was pained watching my mom and grandma cry day in and day out. Visitors came and went, bringing food and flowers. And with each visitor, I learned a new story about my uncle. We went out for dinner a few times, but nobody ever really ate anything (besides Henry... who started eating hardcore foods- cheese grits, chicken, pizza, etc.)

Sleeping situations...um... sucked. I love my grandma's little Florida home, but wow- it can get crammed with our family! I was in my uncle Chips old room with both kids. There was a daybed, a pull out bed and a pack and play. It was decided that Maeve would sleep on the daybed, Henry in the playpen and I on the pull out. The reasoning, was that if Maeve were going to climb out of bed in the middle of the night, she'd have to climb over me. Lets just say I had a FABULOUS 7 nights of sleeping. NOT. I'm not sure if Henry's teething or if it was the enviornment (heat, itchy sheets, etc.) but he was up 2-3 times a night. I was having newborn flashbacks. BLAH! Not that I don't love the newborn stage, but geez- he's sooo not a newborn. By the third night I had a routine down- I'd put Henry down first (around 8:30 or so), Maeve was soon to follow- and I literally had to lie there with her and hold her legs down... she would fight sleep until the bitter end. FINALLY (usually around 11 or so?) she'd be asleep and I'd sneak onto the pull out bed and crash. 2 AM, Henry starts to stir- I'd scoop him up before he could wake Maeve up, bring him out in the living room, change his diaper, give him a bottle, and rock him in his car carrier until he fell back asleep. 5 AM- Henry's up again, this time, Maeve is usually sleeping pretty lightly as well. Thankfully, I can get Henry back to sleep until 7- and I strategically sent Maeve into my parents room where they got to experience her thrashing and wiggling for a couple of hours. Yes... it was a rough week, even in the sleep department.

Saturday was the dreaded funeral. I hate funerals. Who likes them? If you like a funeral there is something seriously wrong with you... just saying. Anyways, I got the kids dressed and then started the search for my outfit. I realized about 20 minutes into my search that it was hanging up in the bathroom... in Jackson. Fantastic.

My skin and bones mother said I could borrow an outfit from her. HAHA. Her choices were two dressy shirts- both XS. We all know I'm not an XS. SOMEHOW I squeezed into it and made it work for the day. UGH.

The funeral itself was awful. I mean, it was nice- but awful. My cousins (my uncles kids) were in pieces. The man who gave the eulogy mentioned how much of Chip he saw in Nolan (my cousin) and I was fairly certain Nolan was going to sob himself onto the floor. It was just SO awful.

After the funeral, we had the burial. I had never been to a burial and I hope I never have to see one again.

The rest of Saturday was spent at my grandmas, greeting friends and family. I avoided eye contact with my mom and grandma... I'm just not good in those situations. My grandma did ask me to go to the cemetary with her and take some pictures of all the flowers. That was tough. And I wasn't sure it was appropriate- do you bring a camera into a cemetary?- but I did. And she's happy to have the pictures.

Sunday. I was actually very, VERY relieved to have the funeral done and over with. It was supposed to be a relaxed day at home. We were going to swim, nap, recoop from the craziness. Around noon or so, I told my mom I was going to try and put Henry down for a nap. She told me she was going to try and get Maeve to sleep in her room. Sounded good- two sleeping kids= nap for me. I got Henry down and my mom thought she had gotten Maeve down. We were standing out in the living room (talking? watching tv? can't remember) when we heard some movement back in Maeve's room. I turned to my mom and said "Mom, I thought you said she was sleeping." My mom said "I thought she was too. I'll go check on her."

The next thing I heard was "GOD DAMMIT." (that came from my mom...nice) I ran in there to find Maeve sitting on the bed with my mom's pill case in front of her- as well as my dad's bag of vitamins- completely dumped out. Cue racing heart, head & breathing. My mom was on her hands and knees searching for missing pills... my dad was trying to count out his vitimins... and I was trying to get some valid info for posion control, all the while, Maeve is sitting on the bed looking at me like, "what?"

Turns out, my mom's pill case was full of toporoll. A blood pressure medication. When I told the PC lady that, she said Maeve needed to get to a hospital immediately. Before the feeling of throw up came, I managed to ask the lady to tell me the nearest hospital- Deland- 45 minutes away. OMG.

We ran to the car (my mom, grandma and I) realized the car was on empty, sped to the gas station, filled up and cried & FLIED the entire way to Deland. My grandma was in back with Maeve- I couldn't even look at her. The PC lady had told us to make sure we tried to keep her awake and I was afraid I'd turn around and she wouldn't be awake.

After what seemed like the longest drive EVER, we got to the hospital. They admitted her immediately and had her hooked up to every monitoring device under the sun in less than a minute. She was incredible. She stuck out her finger for the O2 monitor- when it wouldn't stick and register on that finger (she had marker all over her hands) she sat in my lap and didn't flinch as they peeled it off and stuck it on another finger, and then on her thumb. And then finally, they had to go with an adult monitor.

The doctor met with us and basically said that all we could do was monitor her. Watch her stats, make sure her blood pressure and heart rate were good, etc. Her BP was low, but not seriously low. And she was CONKED OUT. They said that was typical if she ingested the meds- and not a big deal- but they (and I) wanted to monitor her longer.

I can't remember what time she was discharged. I do know I ended up curling up with her on the bed and sleeping. It was awhile... but anyways, she got the all clear to go home. We all cried. My mom got a briefing from the doc about keeping her meds up. (I felt SO HORRIBLE for her- I mean, she's raised FIVE kids- none of us have had serious injuries or illnesses- obviously she is capable of watching a 2 year old-she just kept saying "my head isn't here... I'm just not with it.") She apologized and cried the whole way home. Talk about a really, really bad day.

MONDAY. I was pretty excited for Monday. I was taking my cousin's (Halley) senior pictures in St. Augustine, FL. It is seriously a photogs PARADISE. You've got the beach and the oldest city in the US all combined. It's gorgeous. Plain & simple. I was excited to use my camera (it had sat idle for a few days... SO unlike me) and excited to shoot in St.Augustine!!!! Halley also happened to be my first senior shoot.

On our way over to St. Augustine, the phone rang. That damn phone. This time, it was a friend of ours here in Jackson. She was calling to let us know again, "Tyler is OKAY" but he was in a car accident. HOLY FREAKING COW! Apparently, on the way to Ben Willard's burial, (in the funeral procession) Tyler was at the intersection of Lansing & Parnall and was t-boned at full speed by another car. His side was hit and he ended up conking his head pretty hard. He spent HIS afteroon in Alliegince emergency room. GOOD GRIEF! When I called Ryan, asking him to go to the hospital to be with Tyler, he thought I was joking. He actually said "There's no way- NO WAY." Yup. The shitstorm was continuing.

Oh- wait- did you think it was done there? No... unfortunately its not. To end our trip, we got ANOTHER frickin phone call- this time from my aunt Paula (Chips wife)- informing us that my cousin (Robbie) had been arrested for breaking into a fish hatchery in Welaka, and killing 100,000 worth of fish. WTH. He kind of wigged out after the funeral I guess... Anyways, he is now sitting in the Putnam county jail. Which is probably a good thing- I don't think he'd be safe out side of it. But tack on some more stress.

I was really 50/50 with coming back home. Part of me wanted to go float off into the ocean (not really float off- but ya know, just dissappear from the insanity of things for awhile) and the other part of me desperately wanted Ryan.

It felt good to sleep in my own bed. It felt good to be at home. I had some giant veggies to pick which kind of cheered me up... Also, Ryan took a sick day today- and even though he spent most of the day recovering from food poisoning (oh yeah- haha did I mention that?!?) he did help out with the kids and took a LONG nap with me this afternoon. That like, NEVER happens.

At 4 (today) I rushed off to Dr. Bigelows- thrilled that I had an acupuncture appointment- I SO DESPERATELY NEEDED IT. Got to the docs to be told that my appointment was actually last Monday. I can't even remember if I said "FML" out loud or just in my head... but dang.

Now before I'm bombarded with "are you okay?" messages, let me tell you, yes I am. This is a rough patch. But we're getting through. My grandma is up in Michigan for a couple of weeks and I am so thankful for that. I love her so much. :) I am safe at home with the most important people in the world to me. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

the call I knew was coming.

I got it. This morning... my dad called ant told me my uncle had died around 3 AM. I knew this call was coming. I knew the chaos was going to kick in. I guess I just wasn't ready. Because I'm kind of sitting in a daze.... searching for airfare, trying to get to my mom & grandma as quickly as possible. Everything else is being put on hold- garage sale, photo sessions, acupuncture appointments- everything. I'm just trying to get down to Florida. Not asking for sympathies. Just prayers for safe travels. And some prayers for my anxiety. I kind of feel like I just had 100 bricks topple on me. Or like a chicken with its head cut off- running around, not sure what to do next. Hmmm... anyways, I'll blog when I get back. Adios friends...

No News.

Isn't the general rule of thumb that "no news is good news?" Not in this case :(

I haven't had any news to share. And that's a bad thing :(

Ryan didn't get the Florida job. We're bummed. We let ourselves get too excited. I was even dreaming ahead to next July (our anniversary to be exact). I was thinking how we could DRIVE an hour to Cape Canaveral, hop on a last minute cruise at 150 bucks a person and THAT would be our anniversary trip... versus the exciting Detroit zoo trip we're about to take. (sarcasm)

Oh well... we shall press on. It's much harder for Ryan than it is for me. He's working a thankless job (that DOES pay the bills- and for that we're thankful) but the actual job is thankless. Ryan has worked TOO hard for TOO long to still be at Culligan doing grunt work. It seems like the general order of things should be as follows:
Go to college. Work hard. Graduate. Get degree. Apply for a job. Get said job. Life is good- no worries about health insurance, house payments, cars running, etc. Apparently that's not how things work.

Things aren't all glum around here- don't get me wrong- we're happy and we know there is a reason we're here (in Jackson that is). Ryan keeps telling me "something good is going to happen." I'm waiting...

the day is done.

Maeve is in her room. Sleeping? Nah. But her bath has been given, stories have been read, she is confined and that makes me pleased. Henry is swinging next to me (fussing) but not to the point where he needs to be bounced around the house (although I'm sure his grunts and little fusses will turn into full out screams very shortly). I am beat. The only reason I'm blogging right now is because Ryan is out shoveling snow and he promised me a back rub. No way am I going to fall asleep without holding him up to that promise. Remember the previous posts about my "wants?" I forgot to mention I also WANT a back rub :)

I just thought since today was such a horrendous day here, I'd end it with this delightful thought that will indeed, leave ME with a smile on my face as I go to sleep tonight.

Tonight in the bath, Maeve and I were talking "names." She enjoys calling people by their first names. She is always calling for "RYYYYYANNN!" And she gets a kick out of calling me "Ash." Tonight we had an interesting conversation about her name:

Me: "What's your name?"

Maeve: "Maeve."

Me: "You're right! What's your middle name?"

Maeve: "Tinkerbell."

Me: "HAHAHAHAHA! Close! It's ANNABELLE."

My sweet, sweet girl :) Even on tough days like today, I wouldn't wish to forget the day ever happened. That would mean I would have to forget the simple, beautiful things, like a bathtub conversation with my little Maeve Tinkerbell :)

Happy 50th Ma!

OH MY LORD. What a day. Yesterday.

It was my mom's 50th birthday- one she wasn't too excited about celebrating. She's really not the kind of woman that enjoys getting riper with age! She'd love to be 20 again. The day started out great- Maeve had ballet at 10- my mom was feeling good and I was happy Maeve's ballet class fell on mom's birthday- since ballet and Maeve are my mom's two loves :) Next was lunch at Anna's. Again, everything seemed fine- we ate, I lost my mind for a little bit as Maeve decided to run through the store barely dodging very fragile items. (ahhh). Dinner was planned for 5 because Ryan, Maeve, Henry and I were going to go to the U of M/State meet up in Ann Arbor. It was a last minute thing that I saw advertised on facebook yesterday and I decided it would be fun for us to go. Admission was a buck and it was Hawaiian night. Plus I had been wanting to see how Maeve would do at a meet. After dinner (again, mom was acting totally normal) we headed up to Ann Arbor and my mom went back to work at the studio. The meet went great- Maeve loved it. She called the girls "monkeys" as they were swinging on the bars ;) But we decided to leave about 30 minutes early because Henry was starting to fuss and Maeve was beginning to wander through the rows of seats. About a half hour into our car ride home, my phone rang- it was my dad. He told me my mom had been taken to the ER for one of her heart episodes. Coincidentally, we were about 10 miles from the Elm street exit so I told him I'd be there in 15 minutes or so.

Ryan raced me to the hospital and I ran into the ER- completely forgetting about the kids (oops!) Thankfully Ryan is a good dadda who takes lots of notes on how to defrost milk (by not putting it the microwave!!) and making bottles! :) When I got there, it was a bit hectic. Her heart rate was soaring between 260-270. She was having a hard time breathing so she was on oxygen. The doctors had just finished giving her a medicine called adentin which stopped her heart long enough for it to get back into a normal rhythm. VERY quickly, her heart rate started dropping back down to a normal range. Within about a half hour it was in the 90s. After things settled down a bit, we sat and waited, and waited, and waited. Her labs came back a little abnormal- her potassium was low. So they gave her some... then we waited longer. When all was said and done, they couldn't tell her why her heart had done that- but they did say she was lucky to get into the ER so they could capture it on the EKG so that maybe a cardiologist could figure it out.

That's where my mom is today- at the cardiologist, trying to get this under control. It was really scary and I am so thankful she's alright.

There is a part two to this story: Today just happened to be Henry's two month appointment. My mom was planning on watching Maeve this morning, but of course, with everything that happened last night, she was in no condition to watch her. That meant me bringing both kids to the doc. (one of whom is petrified of the doctors). I was nervous; My friend Jessy and I joke that they keep those office rooms at 100 degrees because as soon as you get in there with all your kids we start to sweat. No different today. I got in there, Maeve immediately started jumping on the scale (that is clearly marked "KEEP CHILDREN OFF SCALE") I am trying to get Henry down to a dry diaper while yanking Maeve off the scale. THANK GOD for the "Tarzan" book that happened to be in the room- it kept Maeve busy enough for me to get H undressed and weighed. After the nurse left, I was then informed by the billing lady that my dear, dear husband had not submitted a form for Henry yet and therefore, this visit (including the 4 vaccines he got) would not be covered. Talk about starting to sweat. After the billing lady left I got on the phone with Ryan and started hissing in that low, really ticked off sounding voice, about how he should be here dealing with the billing and with his out of control 2 year old daughter.

I'm not sure if the doctor was busy operating on a patient, performing open heart surgery or something, but we were left in that small, HOT room for about 20 minutes. I was about to melt onto the floor. Maeve was already ON the floor- with her MOUTH OPEN SCREAMING at the top of her lungs. She wanted to go out to the chalk board and color. I will call it a true miracle if Maeve doesn't get sick here within the next few weeks- literally, her mouth was open on the floor. Eventually it got so loud (of course Henry had to join in on the screaming fun) that the nurse came in and TOOK MAEVE OUT for me. Are you kidding me??????????? Granted, the nurse, Brooke is *kind of* a friend (meaning, we would say hi and chat for a minute if we saw each other at the store) but yeah, pretty embarrassing. I totally could just hear them saying "that poor mom- she can't handle her kids." UGHHHH.

Now onto Mr. Henry... Dr. Williams finally made her way into the room and by this time I am fairly sure my mascara was running from the sweat, my shirt was crooked exposing my bra (due to Maeve pulling on it) and I had that overall look of "shoot me now" on my face. She did his exam in about two minutes flat. His skin isn't looking too hot- he has to be on some hydrocortizone cream... his blocked tear duct isn't looking great either. We're going to wait until he's at least 6 months until we talk about doing anything to it. She's also pretty sure he's got a milk allergy. FABULOUS! My choices are soy based formulas or cutting out my dairy. We'll see what happens within the next few weeks. As of now, I'm planning on nursing but she went on and on about how "great of a start" I've given him and to not feel badly about quitting. She's seen a lot of moms go insane over trying to figure out what's making their baby so gassy and uncomfortable. Sometimes it isn't worth eliminating half of your diet. (keep in mind dairy isn't just found in milk and cheeses). As far as Henry's weight/height- he's 12 lbs 15 oz (lost an ounce since last visit) and I've already forgotten his height (its written on a sticker somewhere around here...) I DO know that both his height and weight are in the 75th percentile and his head is in the 50th. He got his 4 pokes (poor guy). After we picked up Maeve from the nurses station we high tailed it out of there, but not before apologizing profusely to the nurses, doctor and anyone else that was subjected to the screaming coming from room 8. On our way home I called my sister in pure desperation- I BEGGED her to watch Maeve for just an hour so I could come home, nurse Henry, give him a bath (he LOVES his baths) and just cuddle him for a minute or two. I have a good sister (actually I have 2 good sisters :) she played hide & go seek w/ Maeve for 45 minutes or so while I got some time with Henry.

Maeve is now eating a lunch of peanut butter banana sandwiches and cheese. Henry is sleeping. I am sitting for the first time today without a screaming child in my arms. Counting down to 1:00... nap time nap time nap time. :)

***oooh one more note: Stay tuned to the blog... the McKenney family has a very big announcement to make (soon-ish). And no, I can say with 100% confidence I am NOT preggo!! :)

Update On the Queen of the Night.

Maeve- aka, "Queen of the night" has been doing *OKAY* in her re-adjusted big girl bed (we just turned her crib into a daybed). She stays in her room just fine- the problem? She's up off and on most of the night. It's actually quite humorous. In the middle of the night we'll (let me rephrase that- I WILL) hear the light flick on and then a few thump, thump, thumps. After about 15-20 minutes the light will turn back off and things will be quiet again. Hilarious kid. :) Let me also mention that it is now truly impossible to keep her room cleaned. We used to wait until she fell asleep at night, transfer her to our room and then clean up her room. NOW, since she is up in the middle of the night PLAYING, the room is constantly messy. Blah. She also likes to fall asleep in her "Rose Petal Cottage" and on her Tinkerbell couch. Basically every time we open the door its a guess as to what we're going to find. Here are some pics from the past couple of days of Maeve's nighttime adventures. :)


This was during nap time...

Sad, sad... "Make Way For Ducklings" one of my all time fave. books was found torn up on the floor this morning. :(

Hurricane Maeve...

"HI MOM! Look what I did to my room last night!"

Meijers in a Nutshell.

Arrived at approx. 11:30 AM. Loaded up Maeve, Henry, my coffee and my coupon book into the cart and raced through the blizzard that decided to hit Jackson County this morning, and into Meijers. Henry was screaming and Maeve was trying to climb out by the time I reached the produce section. Great. Racing around like a complete madwoman, I somehow accomplished most of my shopping. But not without having to pull out two packs of fruit snacks and a huge, sticky grape sucker. Unfortunately, none of those items were what she wanted. What she REALLY desired was a NUK- which I had completely forgot to grab from the car. Off to the baby section we went- I opened a pack of nuks, gave her one- only to hear her say to me, "TWO NUKS." Sigh.... Off we went to shopping for groceries again... in between grabbing things off the shelf and out of the cart and opening said items, Maeve also enjoyed taking Henry's nuk (even though she had 2 brand new nuks herself) or pinching his cheeks, poking his eyeballs, really anything to tick him off. After what seemed like 3 days of standing in line, it was finally out turn to check out. As I'm loading things onto the belt, Maeve snatched the container of bread crumbs, opened the lid and DUMPED them onto the ground. Give me a break. I apologized to the cashier and asked if there was anyway someone could grab me another container. Yea for great Meijer employees- I got my bread crumbs without having to venture back out into the store. Not TWO seconds after the poor maintenance woman swept up the bread crumbs did I turn around to the sound of Maeve's GIANT purple sucker shattering on the floor. HOLY COW KID. Once again, apologized to the cashier, who then called the maintenance woman back over to clean up our mess. FINALLY after my stack of coupons had been scanned and groceries were loaded up we made our way out of the store. Of course we had to stop and ride the dang pony- because Maeve was so well behaved, right?

We made it back to the car and all I wanted to do was high tail it home. Unfortunately I high-tailed it a little too much and ended up taking out our neighbor's mailbox.

What a day.

update...

well I guess the Keflex is working- I don't have a fever today and my boobs are feeling a bit better. I decided to sacrifice the sheets for a few nights and go bra-less (OMG- stinky mess) BUT throughout the night I am leaking enough out that I am not feeling so engorged or full when I am feeding Henry. And that's a miraculous, wonderful thing. I am going to go 2 more nights like this and pray that this will lower my milk supply. I ran to Target this morning and picked up this AWESOME nighttime nursing cami- it looks so loose and comfy but also has a place for pads. My hope is it won't squeeze my boobs so tightly that I get so engorged but hold them enough that I won't create the great flood in our bed. We'll see. (Thanks Leslie for the Target bra tip- I had no clue "other" stores (besides Motherhood!) even sold nursing bras!)

Last night Henry slept from 11 to 5 (6 hours!!!) it was amazing :) And yes, I woke up soaked but like I said, NOT in pain. I will take soaked over pain any day. For now, my nursing spirits are up. I am too hesitant and superstitious to say that "It's going great!" but I will say I am hopeful. :)

Thanks ladies, for all the wonderful tips!!! What would I do without my momma friends?? :)

Nursing Nightmare!

Actually let me rephrase that- NURSING HELL! Really, I'm not sure why I have such a hard time. I cry to the good Lord all the time about why my body can't just function like a normal lactating mother... This week has been just awful. PLAIN AWFUL. I can't express how much pain I've been in and how hard it is to take care of a newborn and a 2 year old with a 104 degree fever, the chills, aches... all that good stuff.

For those of you who have been lucky enough to dodge mastitis, BE THANKFUL. I would seriously rather go through labor again than deal with this horrible infection one more time. Henry is almost 3 weeks old and I've been running low grade fevers for about two weeks now. Yeah, the low grade fevers aren't fun at all... neither are the chills and that achy flu feeling, but I was getting by. Rewind to Tuesday night- my fever jumped up to 104, my right boob became ROCK HARD and boiling hot to the touch. Just thinking about feeding Henry (or pumping for that matter) made me want to vomit. In fact, one time while I was feeding him in the bath, I started dry heaving from the pain. I got on an antibiotic last night (thank God for Laura!!! I called her up at 8:30 PM and she called a script in to Meijers right away). Today I've kept the fever around 100-101. I am still incredibly achy and dealing with a few blocked ducts in my right breast. And really- if one more person tells me to "hang in there" I might scream. Clearly, they have not had mastitis 500000 times during their few months of breastfeeding (with Maeve I got it so much that I had to alternate between amox. and keflex on a weekly basis because I was building up such an immunity to them from taking the stupid meds all the time). I had high hopes this time around- after all, Henry is SUCH a better nurser. But for some reason my body produces such a load of milk that even a chunka chunk like Henry can't keep up with it all. Therefore I am left with backed up boobs. I'm only supposed to pump BEFORE a feeding (and only for a minute on each side) so I don't drown Henry with the flow of milk that comes out. And get this- with ONLY pumping before a feeding I accumulate about 30 oz of milk a DAY! Yeah.... MILK MILK MILK.

On top of all this, I am being the laziest mother on the face of the planet. My poooooor Maeve. She reads, does puzzles and plays with the stupid dog all day long while I lay on the couch begging Henry to eat. Henry has also invaded our baths. Laura told me to NURSE NURSE NURSE as much as I can in the bath because the hot water will make the milk come out better. It works wonders- it really does- but Maeve isn't happy about the "intruder" during tub time. I've had my mom and "GiGi" (MY grandma) come over and take Maeve to the toy store and to other fun places. But it seriously kills me every time she leaves. I feel like we're drifting farther and farther apart because of my breastfeeding issues. Wednesday we all went out for lunch (yes with me running a high temp and feeling like death)... I ended up having to leave in the middle of it because I didn't think I'd be able to drive myself home if I waited much longer. So my mom kept Maeve- I cried- no wait, SOBBED, through stupid Jackson Crossings as I'm walking back to my car with Henry. I seriously feel like the WORST mother right now!

If you thought this "vent" was over, you're wrong- it continues... yesterday we stayed inside the house all day (pretty much due to the cold- HOLY COW ITS COLD OUTSIDE!)- I noticed Maeve was picking at her diaper a lot. Just pulling at it, itching, that sort of thing. I asked her if she needed a change and she just said "diapers!" I took that as a yes, so I changed her. Come to find out, she wouldn't let me put a diaper back on. As soon as I took her wet diaper off, she started holding herself (down there) and crying saying "ITCHY! ITCHY!" What the heck??? I had horrible bladder infection problems when I was a kid, so my first thought was "OMG she probably has her first bladder infection." So I took a warm wash cloth and put it on her- it helped for a little bit but after 15 minutes or so, she was back to wailing about her "pee pee." Hmmm... I was totally perplexed. THEN the real horrendous part started- Henry started to fuss (feeding time!) and as SOON as I put Maeve down on the couch, she knew I was going to pick Henry up. She clung to me like white on rice! I mean really- I could not get her off of me. AND I felt horrible trying to peel her off- especially if she was sick! My already very, very hot face and head got even hotter as my mind was reeling about how to handle this. Do I pry Maeve off of me and run go grab Henry and try and feed him? Do I comfort my sick kid? Well I thought I'd try to do both... HAHAHA. I had Maeve clinging to my WAIST- my WAIST!!! And I had Henry in my arms- as soon as I sat on the couch and tried to nurse him she did this bear hug sooooo tight I couldn't possibly get Henry on the boob! My last resort was to call my mom... my mom came right over (yeah for moms!- she lives a second away!). SHE took Maeve and dealt with her potty problem and I nursed Henry. Once Henry was all set, I went back to Maeve to try and figure out what was going on. I couldn't think of what the heck it could be- but I didn't want her running around nakie. So I put a pair of undies on her (I had bought them for Christmas but.. they were desperately needed yesterday). AHA! That did the trick- as soon as I put them on her she peed- and she peed a LOT. It turns out she just didn't want to pee in her diaper or the potty. Oh good Lord. What a time for this to flare up. I'm all for potty training but not while I'm sicker than death itself.

I think I will conclude my vent now. There will be no new pictures for awhile- Maeve decided to break my camera. :(

Oh- last thing- I need some advice/help! How do you breastfeeding moms NOT stink like sour milk all the time??? I am literally washing my bras once a day just to keep them from stinking to high heaven. But with all the washing, its totally ruining the bras!!! Also- do you guys wear bras to sleep in? I was told not to because it could be a reason my ducts are clogging so easily- but I'm 100% confident if I don't sleep in a bra, not only will I be washing my bras every day but a load of sheets as well.

ehhhhh.... what a weekend.

***I guess I should have a disclaimer for this post... its gross***

This entire weekend I've been up to my elbows in poopy diapers (and not good poop- wait is there "GOOD" poop?).
It all started Friday morning. I gave Maeve a bath, put a diaper on her and set her in the floor- as soon as her feet hit the floor she squatted, made one big push and SPLAT- her diaper was blown out just like that... poopies everywhere. SO back in the bath we went. The whole time she was in the bath she was having toots- and I could see some poopy flakes swimming around in the water which was really grossing me out. Out of the bath, into another diaper and not more than 5 minutes "SPLAT" goes another one. I was trying to think what the heck she ate that could be giving her an upset tummy... she was acting completely normal though- no fever, not lethargic at all... so I figured maybe it was too much milk at breakfast or something. No more diarrhea to speak of the rest of Friday night...

THEN came Saturday. I had actually forgotten all about the diarrhea explosions from the day before, and took Maeve out to a garage sale & to the mall to see the tigers for a bit. She was definitely acting a little funny- very, VERY clingy- more so than usual. But I still wasn't really thinking much of it. On the way home from the mall I smelled this horrific smell- okay- this is gross, but you know the how there is a difference between diarrhea smell and normal poopy smell? Well it was that awful, acidic diarrhea smell- ughhhhhhhhhhh. Yes, another giant explosion greeted me as we got home. I fed her lunch- a banana, some oatmeal and WATER- she threw it all on the floor. Hmmm... put her to bed around 1:00 PM- she woke up around 4 (3 HOUR NAP!?!?!) burning up with a fever. I knew instantly as soon as I picked her up she had a fever. Her cheeks were red, she was sweaty and yes, she had pooped out another diaper. Her temp yesterday hovered between 100-101, even with motrin & tylenol. I started pushing the fluids like mad yesterday afternoon- she's gone through a 2 liter of sprite in 2 days... yes, lots of sugar, but according to the doc. warm sprite is the best thing to settle a stomach (plus she thinks its a huge treat). She slept through the night- just woke up super early- around 6 or so- with another yucky diaper.
To sum up today, its gone a lot like this:
slather her behind with destin, put a diaper on, wait for the squat & splat, gently- GENTLY wipe her up, stick her in a bath (her poor little booty is SO SO SORE. It is beat red and she can't even walk with her legs together- how sad!) slather with destin, put a diaper on, wait for squat & splat, etc. etc. etc. She's had about 9 diarrhea diapers today (THANK GOD RYAN IS HOME TO HELP!!!) and about 20 baths to soak her bum. The fever is still around 100- it just won't go away! She is HOT- and I keep taking her temp. thinking its got to be higher than 100 but its not thank goodness... I guess she's just hot. Anyways it looks like we'll be visiting Dr. Williams in the morning if her temp stays around. Even if it is just a stomach bug, almost 3 days of a fever warrants a visit.
I know I've asked before and I have referenced back to some older posts- but any remedies for really bad diaper rash besides different types of pastes? Maeve about has a conniption when we try and touch her butt- she loves to soak in the tub- she sits on her knees so her booty doesn't touch the bath tub floor and will just sit like that... I was thinking if there is any kind of soak I could come up with for the bath that would ease the pain, she'd probably love that.