I have to write. BLOG. VENT. Whatever you call it. I HAVE TO. I have been holding it in for a long, long time. Its funny, now that I'm feeling the need to write about "it" I can't figure out what "it" really is or where to start. "It" should be referred to as the hurricane or something. Because it most definitely is not one incident that has put me in this pit. It's a whole slew of stuuuuuuffff. And I warned you in the title of this post- really, if you're not up for sinking in the black tar pit with me, then skip/run/jump/leap for the life of you, over it.
I'm already starting to ramble. Maybe this post would be better bullet style?? Like another one of those random "what I'm thinking about" kinda things?
yeah... I think so.
-what's the big news??? My parents are outta here. Gone. Packed up the moving trucks today. I'm devastated. They aren't moving across town. They aren't moving across state. They're moving across the country.
-I can't drive past my parents house and look at it.
-my mom called me up tonight, asking if we wanted to come over for dinner (take out of course, because everything was packed) and I said "no" because I can't look at the empty house and full trucks.
-Maeve thinks my mom is a normal fixture in her life. Come Monday, she won't be. And that kills me. It kills my mom too.
-I don't think I'm going to put Maeve in ballet this year. I would almost feel like I was "cheating" on my mom or something?!?! I mean, my MOM should be teaching Maeve... not someone else. Plus I'm not sure I want to set foot in the studio that I watched being built from the ground up- that I helped paint, set up, work/run, etc. under new management. Don't get me wrong- Kate (the girl that bought the studio) is great- but she's not my mom.
-I am thrilled for Ryan. Not a lie in the least. But with that said, I can't honestly say that I don't feel trapped. Suckered in? To Jackson??? To this state??? Why can't I get out??? What force is it that wants me here so badly???
-I need the ocean. I need it, need it, need it. I can't breathe up here.
-I feel like our house is swallowing me. If we're staying in Michigan, than at least get me out of Jackson. Renting in Ann Arbor is the 3rd most appealing thing to me at the moment (with the first two options being either A.)Hawaii or B.)Florida).
-I've been letting Maeve spend the days with my mom because I know she won't have her here after Monday. Maeve thinks its all normal... but its not. I don't really know how to even explain to her that "Nana" is not here- not in the big yellow house on Morrell- not at the studio. Where to even start with that??
-the patience level I've had lately has been pretty much non-existent. I snap at everyone and everything. Ryan keeps telling me, "I can see how upset you are, but there will be a new normal." And as much as I want to believe that... it kind of just pisses me off more- I don't want a NEW normal without my family.
-right after Ryan and I were married, we drove down to Lexington, KY. We had both been accepted into UK. We drove down, rented an apartment, and returned to Michigan to get our stuff. We were scheduled to move into our apartment at the end of August- I had my first major panic attack (that sent me to the ER) literally a week before the move. I remember sitting in the ER sobbing- telling Ryan (and my dad) that I didn't want to move... I was too scared- too afraid to be on our own, etc. I feel the same panic starting to rise again. How is it that I am 26 years old and still scared to "be on my own?" Why in the world does it scare me so much to not have my parents around the corner??
-Ryan's promises to move are sounding more like "band-aids." Does that makes sense??? Like, in order for me to get to sleep at night, he tells me "Ash, this U of M job is temporary- our main goal is to get to FL next year." I fall asleep with that idea in mind and wake up to a scratchy, smelly band aid.
-I'm sure you're all thinking "could she be more dramatic about her parents moving??" Yeah you bet I could :) You're not physically here- watching me mope around the house- refusing to help them pack or pick up "my stuff" from their basement. My parents aren't just my parents- they're our Sunday night huge family dinners... they're our "surprise! We walked over at 8 AM to say hello!"... they're our "let us take the kids for the night- you guys go out"... they're our "we'll fix it", "we'll help you", "we'll be here." And now they're not. It's that simple- they won't be here.
-I grew up living far away from both sets of my grandparents. It was normal to see them twice a year. It was normal to not see them on Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. It was normal to get packages in the mail for birthdays. It was normal for them to not be apart of our day to day lives. And deep down inside, I know that this is going to have to become normal for us. And THAT is what is killing me... putting me in this pit.
I'm really scared. I'm scared about being here "alone." I'm scared that I can't do this by myself. I'm afraid I will get used to phone calls and twice a year visits.
These are my feelings. Say I'm an idiot/sap/baby- whatever. I'm hurting and I'm afraid.