Sunday, October 17, 2010

Where Have I Gone?

Sorry folks, this is going to be a deep one tonight... I'm in that kind of mood.

I don't really know what or how to say a lot of this so I'm going to just free type... today's just been a bad day. I've thoroughly hurt friendships and feelings.

I am sitting here, with my head spinning, crying (of course) and wondering, "Where have I gone? WHERE HAVE I GONE?"

Without giving out much info, I'm in a sitch.

I handled said sitch out of character.

I used bad language, I put others down.

I now feel like complete junk.

I am a 26 year old mother. I am better than this. I am better than that. WHERE HAVE I GONE???

It takes a second to slip. Just a quick second and you're down- and in my case, not just down- but through the ice, under the water and gasping for air. It takes half a second to spew out something that should have been filtered. And it takes years for those spewed words to be forgotten.

I was asked today if I was a Christian- (well more of "you say you're a Christian..." type of thing) and I took a long, hard look at that. I screwed up. Plain and simple. There are no excuses, I messed up.

I feel like I need to be stripped down.  Stripped inside and out, drilling directly into the blatently BRIGHT core issue, that is, my faith- or at this moment, lack of. I look at my sister in Mississippi, who is so strong in her faith- and I am infinitely jealous. She has a peace about her that I so desperately want.   You can see her joy radiating through her eyes.  (Meg I miss you more than words).

Sometimes I'm so consumed with how I look on the outside- who my friends are, how my kids are behaving, what my house looks like- in reality, I need to focus on my rotting insides.  They've got to be rotting.  And friends, I'm being so brutally honest here, these past few months I have been bitter and angry.  I have tried and failed at putting band aids over everything- going shopping, hanging out with a friend, watching a movie, cranking up the music in my car-  I know I won't find what I'm looking for in any of that... not in Ryan, or even my kids. I need the peace that passes all understanding.  And I need it badly.  WHERE HAVE I GONE???

Coincidentally enough, the peace that passes all understanding comes from the God who is still holding onto me.  The God that cringed as I said some awful things, thought awful thoughts, but is still keeping me close and warm, forgiving completely, forgetting and loving me.  He loves me even though I screw(ed) up.   He loves me flawed.   He loves me when I've strayed.  And his love finds me even when I am wondering where I've gone.

There is no doubt I will screw up again and again (and again and again...) but I'm trying to find peace in this moment, knowing that, even with how awful I feel about myself and the words I've said, the feelings I've hurt, the friendships that have been scarred, it's okay. I'm okay. My God is telling me its okay, holding me tight, and asking "WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?"

My answer: :"I'M STILL HERE."... I just need some help up.


Angie B said...

i understand..its hard we are so human...i have been there. Thank God for forgiveness and second chances. I will be praying for you!

LeeAnn Howard said...

This isn't a good situation at all. And it definitely needs prayer. God can pick you back up on your feet. You have to let him. Give it all to him. I will pray for you Ashley.

amj said...

dont forget to forgive yourself too. being human is wonderful but it's always some challenge or another...and luckily there's another day to practice. sending you lots and lots of peace and love sweetie.

Emilie said...

Ashley, you are human. You will say things you don't always mean, do things you wish you could take back and hurt people that sometimes you wish you hadn't. Its all part of being human. The good news is that no matter what you do or say, you're still loved, for exactly who you are and for exactly where you are, it doesn't matter.

Whatever is going on right now, know that you are loved and cared about by many people, including me. You are bright, intelligent, funny, smart, nice, and have a lot to offer the world.

Right now you may feel bad and upset, but keep in mind that you are allowed and going to make mistakes, but those people that truly love you, will always be there. Call if you ever need to talk.

Erika said...

I'm not sure what's going on...but I do know that while words do hurt, real friends can forgive because they know they are seeing you at your weakest moment. Just like you may have to forgive them because you are seeing them at their weakest moment. I hope you find some peace and clarity soon.

Ashley said...

thanks Erika and Emilie- sweet words :)

Ashley said...

oh and of course anne marie :) love you always!

Megs said...

"Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].
Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Ash-This is describing God's love for you, and it is only by His grace and love in us that we can even attempt to love others this way. He has you in the palm of his into him and he will be faithful. I am sooo proud of you and I know the Lord is going to complete the work he started in you, just as he is doing with me! Its only by his amazing grace and love that i am where i am. I love you so much sister and i am ALWAYS here for you and praying for you and your precious beautiful family!