Sorry folks, this is going to be a deep one tonight... I'm in that kind of mood.
I don't really know what or how to say a lot of this so I'm going to just free type... today's just been a bad day. I've thoroughly hurt friendships and feelings.
I am sitting here, with my head spinning, crying (of course) and wondering, "Where have I gone? WHERE HAVE I GONE?"
Without giving out much info, I'm in a sitch.
I handled said sitch out of character.
I used bad language, I put others down.
I now feel like complete junk.
I am a 26 year old mother. I am better than this. I am better than that. WHERE HAVE I GONE???
It takes a second to slip. Just a quick second and you're down- and in my case, not just down- but through the ice, under the water and gasping for air. It takes half a second to spew out something that should have been filtered. And it takes years for those spewed words to be forgotten.
I was asked today if I was a Christian- (well more of "you say you're a Christian..." type of thing) and I took a long, hard look at that. I screwed up. Plain and simple. There are no excuses, I messed up.
I feel like I need to be stripped down. Stripped inside and out, drilling directly into the blatently BRIGHT core issue, that is, my faith- or at this moment, lack of. I look at my sister in Mississippi, who is so strong in her faith- and I am infinitely jealous. She has a peace about her that I so desperately want. You can see her joy radiating through her eyes. (Meg I miss you more than words).
Sometimes I'm so consumed with how I look on the outside- who my friends are, how my kids are behaving, what my house looks like- in reality, I need to focus on my rotting insides. They've got to be rotting. And friends, I'm being so brutally honest here, these past few months I have been bitter and angry. I have tried and failed at putting band aids over everything- going shopping, hanging out with a friend, watching a movie, cranking up the music in my car- I know I won't find what I'm looking for in any of that... not in Ryan, or even my kids. I need the peace that passes all understanding. And I need it badly. WHERE HAVE I GONE???
Coincidentally enough, the peace that passes all understanding comes from the God who is still holding onto me. The God that cringed as I said some awful things, thought awful thoughts, but is still keeping me close and warm, forgiving completely, forgetting and loving me. He loves me even though I screw(ed) up. He loves me flawed. He loves me when I've strayed. And his love finds me even when I am wondering where I've gone.
There is no doubt I will screw up again and again (and again and again...) but I'm trying to find peace in this moment, knowing that, even with how awful I feel about myself and the words I've said, the feelings I've hurt, the friendships that have been scarred, it's okay. I'm okay. My God is telling me its okay, holding me tight, and asking "WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?"
My answer: :"I'M STILL HERE."... I just need some help up.