Inspired by the notorious MckMama. She does these great posts called "Stream of Consciousness" where she just writes random things. Nothing flows, but they're very informative posts, and they're good for Saturday nights when you've had a margarita.
Our neighborhood had a "block party" garage sale. It was awesome. We loaded the kids in the wagon and hit up all the garages. We found Henry some Thomas stuff and a set of BEEEA-UTIFUL bamboo/wicker tables. I'm the only person on the planet not seeing "The Hunger Games" this weekend. BOO. My parents watched the kids tonight so Ryan and I could go out for dinner. Out of all the places in St. Augustine to go, we picked Mango, Mangos. Typical. We go there almost every weekend. But its consistently good. And its right on the ocean. Instead of coming home with the rest of the fam, Maeve chose to stay with Nana... they're going to the 9:40 showing of "The Lorax." haha- good luck with that Mom! I am 10- TEN FLIPPING pounds away from my goal weight. How can this be??? I feel like I've ben dieting and nursing for months... 7 months to be exact. Speaking of a certain 7 month old... we've got a mover. She is such a spitfire. And (obviously) I can't predict the future, but I'm fairly sure I'm going to have my hands full with her. She's developing some crazy, curly, strawberry blond hair; that's gotta be trouble, right? :) I made a "wish" list last night. Amung my "wishes" a new bed (ours is two seconds away from collapsing), a new lens (85mm/1.8) an external flash, an iphone or some kind of new phone that will hold a battery charge for more than 30 minutes... anyways long story short, my wishlist added up to a staggering amount. My only hope is the lottery. Last week I did play the Florida Powerball (40 mill!) and matched 2 numbers. My heart stopped when it was the first 2 numbers. Unfortunately the last 3 were not. Not matches, that is. Double boo. We went to the beach yesterday (during the day). This is rare for us during the week. The beach is hard with little ones, therefore I usually save beach trips for when I have my wingman along. Friday though, marked a special day; my sister meghan was leaving for MS (actually she's leaving for EUROPE) so we had a "good bye" party for her at the beach. Everyone (minus Ryan) was there. Even my dad. Speaking of my dad... I had a conversation with him that I can't get off my mind. We were standing there in this warm little tide pool, watching Maeve and Henry frolic around. Stella, in my arms was snoozing. Things were pretty much perfect. I was daydreaming about baby names (I know- I have an obsession with names). I told my dad if I had a girl, I'd name her _____ and if I had a boy I'd name him ______. And he said, "Why does that matter? You have 3 kids." And thus began the discussion of large families versus small families. I come from a huge family. (well I think its huge). My dad was from an even bigger family. I've always thought I, myself would have a big family. Apparently, with the stinking economy, the more kids you have, the more strain and stress on your finances?! Well... again, this is according to my dad. And yes, he does speak some truth here. Kids are SO expensive (did you know you have to feed them? Like every day- they eat..;). But I met this woman the other day, at none other than Chick-fil-A. She was a mom of SEVEN. SEVVVVVEN children! And had one on the way. Her flock was sitting around a table, nicely eating their lunch. My four year old was wrestling with some kids in the playroom, my two year old was picking fries off the floor and my baby, well, my baby was just hanging out... still, you get the picture. I asked her "How do you do it? I mean, how do you physically, emotionally, financially do it?" She was so sweet and told me a bit about their life style, and she also told me this Irish proverb: "With every child born, comes a loaf of bread." (or something like that... I can't remember exactly what she was saying because I was trying to keep ice cream from ending up in my ear...) basically, God always provides. So the next time I have the money argument with my dad, I'm going to reassure him that whether we're a family of 5 or 15 (I have an intuition it will be much closer to the number 5 ;), we'll be okay. Wow that was a long thought cloud... Glorious weather has hit the south. I mean, really, its pretty much always glorious. But its been just perfect. I told Ryan I felt like I was immersed in a "pool" of weather. I know. That makes as much sense as having ice cream in my ear. I was trying to say that the weather felt like a second skin- sooooo comfortable and lovely. We've had the windows open in our condo/apartment/whatever-the-heck this thing is. Hey- did you know Florida has lots of creepy crawlers? Yes, yes, they seem to reside here. And they seem to like our house. I swear if I pull one more lizard out of my sliding door I'm going to hurl. I'll save you the gory details, but basically, a lizard (SOMEHOW?!?!) makes its way into our house, and sits in the grooves of our slider door. I don't notice said lizard until its...too late. And then, well, I'm making up stories about biology and lizard body parts. But I can't say "I just smashed the lizard and this is his leg, and now I'm going to chuck him out the window." See how wonderful this long thought pool is? I can just keep going and going! Actually, I can't. I'm getting super sleepy.
I hope you enjoyed my pool of thoughts. I hope you found your way out of them! :)
Have an awesome Sunday! :D
(we have a lunch date with my grandma...:) yayyyy!
Showing posts with label deep thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deep thoughts. Show all posts
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
The Great Balancing Act Called MAMAMAMA!
Yeah, I'm going there. Tonight- at 11 PM.
Despite two tylenol PMs I still cannot sleep.
Am I too hard on myself as a mom?
Maybe.
Maybe not?
But at the end of the day, I'm always thinking there is something more I should have done, more giggles I should have tickled out, more attention to be paid, etc... you get the idea. And I'm sure some of you feel the same. I think its common for moms to think these thoughts. After all, what wouldn't you give/do for your child?
When Ryan gets home, the kids don't just flock to him- they are like sticky glued to him. I've always thought its super cute (and I still do) but lately, I'm wondering- are they so excited for Ryan to get home so they can have more fun? More attention? I think so.
Let me explain.
I am their mother. I am the one who says "NO" all.day.long. I am the one who fights about only having one packet of fruit snacks versus two. I'm the one who shoo's the littles out of the bathroom (every two seconds). I'm the hair brusher (Maeve's #1 nemesis). I'm the bath giver, the holding down-put on your clothes- one. The "milk or water" only one. I am the logical one. I think about nap times, meals, diaper changes, etc. To sum it up- I get in the way and ruin all the fun. Or so it feels like that... lately?!
Maeve is constantly begging to go to my moms house. For a long, long time this irked me. "WHY?" I thought, "WHY would she want to go over there every stinkin' day, when I am her mother???" And then I got it- I am her mother. haha :) In other words, Nana doesn't brush her hair, say no to candy, fruit snacks or running outside naked or throwing all the pillows off the bed so she can do gymnastics. Why wouldn't she want to go over there all the time?
I've concluded that moms get the short end of the stick. Or at least this mom does.
I feel like I do WAY too much of the disciplining, "mothering," etc. and don't get to take part in as much of the fun stuff. It's almost like I'm prepping the kids for fun- and when the fun begins, I step back, let others have the fun with my kids and clean up the mess from the preparation... does that make sense? Probably not. I'm winding down. Tylenol PM is indeed kicking in.
Anyways, tonight, I was taking a bath with Henry... (he's 2, yes I still take a bath with him). He started jumping up and splashing down, hard in the bath. Water was flying everywhere. The "mom" part of me wanted to say "Noooo buddy. Sit down." But (very) unlike me, I thought "so what?!" And for the next 20 minutes, we splashed nearly all the water OUT of the tub. Yeah, it made a huge mess. Perhaps I might have broken our electronic scale, (water damage ;) But I haven't heard Henry laugh that hard (with me, anyway) for a long time.
I thought about this for awhile. And it seemed simple enough. I needed to relax. Live in the moment with my kids, and not worry so much about what they're wearing or if they're faces are clean... right?? On the other side of this, I remain their mother. And therefore, it IS my duty to make sure they're dressed, clean, happy and healthy.
So where do you get the balance?? How do you get the balance?
I'm open to past and present mama experiences!
Despite two tylenol PMs I still cannot sleep.
Am I too hard on myself as a mom?
Maybe.
Maybe not?
But at the end of the day, I'm always thinking there is something more I should have done, more giggles I should have tickled out, more attention to be paid, etc... you get the idea. And I'm sure some of you feel the same. I think its common for moms to think these thoughts. After all, what wouldn't you give/do for your child?
When Ryan gets home, the kids don't just flock to him- they are like sticky glued to him. I've always thought its super cute (and I still do) but lately, I'm wondering- are they so excited for Ryan to get home so they can have more fun? More attention? I think so.
Let me explain.
I am their mother. I am the one who says "NO" all.day.long. I am the one who fights about only having one packet of fruit snacks versus two. I'm the one who shoo's the littles out of the bathroom (every two seconds). I'm the hair brusher (Maeve's #1 nemesis). I'm the bath giver, the holding down-put on your clothes- one. The "milk or water" only one. I am the logical one. I think about nap times, meals, diaper changes, etc. To sum it up- I get in the way and ruin all the fun. Or so it feels like that... lately?!
Maeve is constantly begging to go to my moms house. For a long, long time this irked me. "WHY?" I thought, "WHY would she want to go over there every stinkin' day, when I am her mother???" And then I got it- I am her mother. haha :) In other words, Nana doesn't brush her hair, say no to candy, fruit snacks or running outside naked or throwing all the pillows off the bed so she can do gymnastics. Why wouldn't she want to go over there all the time?
I've concluded that moms get the short end of the stick. Or at least this mom does.
I feel like I do WAY too much of the disciplining, "mothering," etc. and don't get to take part in as much of the fun stuff. It's almost like I'm prepping the kids for fun- and when the fun begins, I step back, let others have the fun with my kids and clean up the mess from the preparation... does that make sense? Probably not. I'm winding down. Tylenol PM is indeed kicking in.
Anyways, tonight, I was taking a bath with Henry... (he's 2, yes I still take a bath with him). He started jumping up and splashing down, hard in the bath. Water was flying everywhere. The "mom" part of me wanted to say "Noooo buddy. Sit down." But (very) unlike me, I thought "so what?!" And for the next 20 minutes, we splashed nearly all the water OUT of the tub. Yeah, it made a huge mess. Perhaps I might have broken our electronic scale, (water damage ;) But I haven't heard Henry laugh that hard (with me, anyway) for a long time.
I thought about this for awhile. And it seemed simple enough. I needed to relax. Live in the moment with my kids, and not worry so much about what they're wearing or if they're faces are clean... right?? On the other side of this, I remain their mother. And therefore, it IS my duty to make sure they're dressed, clean, happy and healthy.
So where do you get the balance?? How do you get the balance?
I'm open to past and present mama experiences!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
bittersweet.
This is going to be the most confusing post ever. But I'm posting it more for my benefit than anything else. So... whateves ;)
Bittersweet.
That word sums up my feelings about coming back to Jackson.
As I'm writing this, my eyes are stinging from the tears about to spill out.
A hundred times a day, I look around me and think, "How did we get here? Is this really my life? Am I having a play date in March at the beach?"
Life is great. Amazing. And so, so beautiful down here. But... its not Jackson. Hold on- don't shake your head in disbelief. I am living proof, as a one time Jacksonian- the grass is not always greener on the other side.
With that said, would I ever move back to Jackson? No. Heck to the no. But not because of reasons you'd think. A year ago, I'd say "I am getting out of this black hole! I can't wait to start over!" And in reality, that's what I miss so dearly about Jackson. The whole "not-starting-over" thing.
What we left behind, and what we gave up to move here... its mind blowing. And the pessimistic side of me cannot help but to ask every single day, "was it worth it?"
Most days, I say yes. But there are times when I want Jackson like an old, cozy blanket.
I can't say enough good things about my friends down here; God has surely put these ladies in my life for a reason. They are some of the most positive, generous, sweet women I've ever met. And I am so thankful they've taken me into their "groups." But it doesn't make missing my Michigan friends and family any less.
And then there's the house. I miss my house. We get letters from the bank and attorneys and courts, etc. almost weekly. Every letter is like a little dig. I don't want to know anything about "our" house. I want to picture it like it looked a year ago. Still full. Full of us, and all our stuff. The bird. Haha- the dang bird! We've now dug ourselves into a 3 year credit hole... basically, it means our credit will not rebound from the foreclosure for 3 years. Was it worth that??? Should we have stayed and tried to sell our house? Should Ryan have turned down the Jacksonville job in June and held out for something else? I don't know.
I have this flood of memories hit me every night as I'm trying to fall asleep. They're super random; but oh-so-sweet: Nightly trips to Coldstone when I was pregnant with Henry. Nightly trips to Maggie Moos when I was preggo with Maeve. (I like ice cream a lot:) That first nice day of spring. Ryan and I walking the kids around the neighborhood. Breaking ground on our house- I have a picture of that day. Just Maeve and I grocery shopping at Meijers. And a million more.
I don't have memories like that about here... about life in St. Augustine. Of course I have the incredible memories of Stella's birth, but I feel like life down here (so far) has been about Ryan and I trying to dig our way out of the mess we left behind (that has now followed us) and trying to start a new one (new LIFE- not new mess!). But what happens when you loved your old life??? No. I did NOT love the weather. And NO... Jackson is not where I wanted to raise my kids. But I loved our LIFE there. Does that make sense?
Onward and upward is on constant repeat in my head. There is no going back. There is no starting over. There isn't the option of selling our house, or waiting for a different job. We took the leap. This is it. The loss of control I feel/have felt over the past year is indescribable. Maybe that's why I haven't blogged a whole lot. I can't find the words to write?
Who knows... but these are gnawing thoughts that I have and it feels good to get them out.
I guess.... my whole point with this is... if I could go back and talk to the "old" me- the "me" a year ago from now-I'd say, "Ashley. You are 27 years old. A year or two of trying to sell the house may seem like a million years, but its not. A year or two of Ryan getting some good accounting experience under his belt in Michigan may seem pointless, but its not. A year or two of being away from mom and dad may seem endless, but its not."
There are so many things I MIGHT have done differently. And the endless repeat of these scenarios and thoughts are weighing me down.
This is a bit of a tough season in our life right now. But I have faith that we'll get through this, and be better for it on the other side.
That's all... the end... goodnight :)
Bittersweet.
That word sums up my feelings about coming back to Jackson.
As I'm writing this, my eyes are stinging from the tears about to spill out.
A hundred times a day, I look around me and think, "How did we get here? Is this really my life? Am I having a play date in March at the beach?"
Life is great. Amazing. And so, so beautiful down here. But... its not Jackson. Hold on- don't shake your head in disbelief. I am living proof, as a one time Jacksonian- the grass is not always greener on the other side.
With that said, would I ever move back to Jackson? No. Heck to the no. But not because of reasons you'd think. A year ago, I'd say "I am getting out of this black hole! I can't wait to start over!" And in reality, that's what I miss so dearly about Jackson. The whole "not-starting-over" thing.
What we left behind, and what we gave up to move here... its mind blowing. And the pessimistic side of me cannot help but to ask every single day, "was it worth it?"
Most days, I say yes. But there are times when I want Jackson like an old, cozy blanket.
I can't say enough good things about my friends down here; God has surely put these ladies in my life for a reason. They are some of the most positive, generous, sweet women I've ever met. And I am so thankful they've taken me into their "groups." But it doesn't make missing my Michigan friends and family any less.
And then there's the house. I miss my house. We get letters from the bank and attorneys and courts, etc. almost weekly. Every letter is like a little dig. I don't want to know anything about "our" house. I want to picture it like it looked a year ago. Still full. Full of us, and all our stuff. The bird. Haha- the dang bird! We've now dug ourselves into a 3 year credit hole... basically, it means our credit will not rebound from the foreclosure for 3 years. Was it worth that??? Should we have stayed and tried to sell our house? Should Ryan have turned down the Jacksonville job in June and held out for something else? I don't know.
I have this flood of memories hit me every night as I'm trying to fall asleep. They're super random; but oh-so-sweet: Nightly trips to Coldstone when I was pregnant with Henry. Nightly trips to Maggie Moos when I was preggo with Maeve. (I like ice cream a lot:) That first nice day of spring. Ryan and I walking the kids around the neighborhood. Breaking ground on our house- I have a picture of that day. Just Maeve and I grocery shopping at Meijers. And a million more.
I don't have memories like that about here... about life in St. Augustine. Of course I have the incredible memories of Stella's birth, but I feel like life down here (so far) has been about Ryan and I trying to dig our way out of the mess we left behind (that has now followed us) and trying to start a new one (new LIFE- not new mess!). But what happens when you loved your old life??? No. I did NOT love the weather. And NO... Jackson is not where I wanted to raise my kids. But I loved our LIFE there. Does that make sense?
Onward and upward is on constant repeat in my head. There is no going back. There is no starting over. There isn't the option of selling our house, or waiting for a different job. We took the leap. This is it. The loss of control I feel/have felt over the past year is indescribable. Maybe that's why I haven't blogged a whole lot. I can't find the words to write?
Who knows... but these are gnawing thoughts that I have and it feels good to get them out.
I guess.... my whole point with this is... if I could go back and talk to the "old" me- the "me" a year ago from now-I'd say, "Ashley. You are 27 years old. A year or two of trying to sell the house may seem like a million years, but its not. A year or two of Ryan getting some good accounting experience under his belt in Michigan may seem pointless, but its not. A year or two of being away from mom and dad may seem endless, but its not."
There are so many things I MIGHT have done differently. And the endless repeat of these scenarios and thoughts are weighing me down.
This is a bit of a tough season in our life right now. But I have faith that we'll get through this, and be better for it on the other side.
That's all... the end... goodnight :)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving 2010.
I've taken notice that many facebook friends have been doing "Thanksgiving Day Countdowns." Each day of November, they note something they're thankful for. I wanted to join in, but it was a few days into the month and I felt too far behind. SO I decided to make one big "NOVEMBER THANKSGIVING....WHAT I'M THANKFUL FOR" post. Very cliche, but just go with it...
In no particular order, I am not only THANKFUL but, BLESSED as well, for....
11/1- A roof over my head. As broke as we feel sometimes, we have shelter- a place to call "home"- something many in this world do not have. And as much as I complain about the house... I am thankful for it.
11/2- My husband. A given, right? This man is incredible. He is a billion things and I could rattle them off, but I'll keep it short and sweet- he's humble, brilliant, selfless, loving, and mine. :)
11/3- Maeve. She's dramatic, over the top, and can function with little to no sleep. But she has the kindest soul. She's gentle and only knows goodness. For that, I'm thankful.
11/4- Henry. My manly mister on my hipster. (that's his new nickname). My bub is very clingy, which gives my arms and back a work out, but he's worth every ache! He's chubby, cuddly and my baby. I'm thankful for happy "surprises" (aka HENRY!).
11/5- Health. It's something that I genuinely thank God for each and every day. I'm not trying to be prideful, in saying that I pray and don't take this for granted- but its something that I try to keep in perspective 24/7. Whenever I'm having a rough day, I can look at my babies and say, "we're together, we're healthy, things could be worse." And that, my friends is the truth.
11/6- Good friends. They are few and far between, but I have them. They're the ones who send me little messages just saying "I miss you." Or the friend that I don't often see, but always has an ear and a shoulder for me. The friend that may not be within driving distance, but will always have my phone number and the right to vent, celebrate, and cry with. The friend who calls me nearly every morning, just to chat. The friend that drops goodies off on my door step, just to say, "hi." I am so blessed. And SO thankful for you, my dear friends. :)
11/7- The Incredibles, (aka my family). I could go on forever here, but my fingers can't form out the words that are flooding my head at the moment. So instead, I'll just say, they're really great. Really, really great. And I am thankful that I was born into such an amazing family.
11/8- my blackberry (and THIS, is where the list gets to be a smudge shallow). Or as my husband refers to it, my "crackberry." Yeah, its addictive. But its purple, it connects me to everyone, all the time, and it always gets good service. Thank you Verizon/Blackberry people :)
11/9- Jeggings. AMEN. The end.
11/10- Obstetricians, gynecologists, midwives, etc. I was sitting in the office the other day, (let me make certain, the reason for my office visit was NOT for obstetrics!) thinking how unpleasant of a job that could be. I won't get into detail here, but I think we should all be thankful someone is willing to deal with that...area. Ya know?
11/11- Medications. I've said it before, I'll say it again, I am thankful for modern medicine. From tylenol to my trusty altenelol, I give thanks that these medicines provide comfort and relief for me!
11/12- the ocean. "You don't want, you don't wait, you don't love, but you don't hate. You just roll, right over me, and you pull me in." -Jack Johnson
11/13- Crocs. My kids walk really well in them and the jibbitz are addicting.
11/14- food in my belly.
11/15- citrus trees. My parents have their "graperine" tree in the back yard. I take pictures of the sun coming up every morning, through the "graperines." I am thankful for the fruit itself; the yummy taste and smells, and also the happy feeling I get when I see the bobbing orange blobs.
11/16- pacifiers/bottles. They calm my kids down. Thank you.
11/17- the most magical place on earth. DISNEY Y'ALL! :) Oh Walt, I THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for having such a brilliant imagination and the capacity to dream like you did. THANK YOU.
11/18- fans. They help me sleep. I like the whir and the breeze they create.
11/19- good books that help me escape for a little bit.
11/20- pedicure and massage people :) I love you all.
11/21- I'm going to say this, and perhaps get some backlash for it, but FACEBOOK. Yup, I'm thankful for facebook. It can be very evil, but most of the time, it connects me with family and friends. I get to network with other moms from across the country. I get to photostalk. I love you facebook.
11/22- my cameras. What can I say? From the days of the disposable cameras to my baby (the 40d), photography has been this itch that always needs to be scratched. It will always keep me on my toes. It will always keep me wanting more, reaching for better, connecting me with people and places. It's the heartbeat of my creative, artsy side, and I'm thankful that there are people out there who think I've got potential. I'm thankful that I have eyes to see, and a fast shutter speed to capture anything I want.
11/23- time. How deep is that? But really, how could I (you, anyone?) not be thankful for time. The time we've had, the time we will have. I am thankful for every minute. Even as the days pass, and I wish bedtime would swoop in, I'm thankful for these days.
11/24- I am thankful my parents made me take piano lessons for 15 years. I can remember dragging my heals to each lesson, but my mom pushed me in the door every time. THANKS MOM! I am thankful that I can read music and pick up and play just about anything.
11/25- Life time movies. They're short, to the point and have enough drama to keep you awake. Love 'em.
---yeah, I know its not the 26th yet, but I am on a roll with things I'm thankful for... so I'm going with it.
11/26- living in the USA. I don't think I need to expand much on this, but I will, because its my blog, and I can. I am thankful I can pray to my God. I am thankful that I can say what I want, when I want to, where I want to. I am thankful that I have every opportunity to make my life how I want it. I am thankful for our freedom and for the men and women who have given it to us, time and time again.
11/27- I am thankful for recyclable bags. They're a fab invention and thankfully there are some super cute ones.
11/28- I am thankful for this blog. It has been a journey. And it will continue to be, I'm sure. I don't know what opportunities blogging has in store for me, but I'll keep on, keeping on. Speaking of blogging opportunities, I'm sure you've noticed the buttons on the right side of my blog- with the excitement of being a "public" blog now, I've joined a ton of networking sites. I encourage you (mommas) out there to do the same. I want to keep ((it)) a surprise, but I got a package in the mail (as told by Ryan), that will be another give away! I am SO excited- for me, for you- for these fabulous companies that have entrusted me with hosting a givvvve awaaaayyyyyy! :) ...readers stay tuned... ;)
11/29- The Chelsea Tree House. How could one not be thankful for a safe, enclosed playground, where your children can run a muck, and you, can sit back and drink coffee?
11/30- My Lord. I did save this one for last, because He is the reason I can even be thankful for everything I've listed. He gives me new days. He gives me forgiveness. He gives me the will to be a better person, to get up and do something. He gives me hope. I have promise in Him. I am thankful that I am able to worship the only God who saves. I am thankful that I am saved.
I hope everyone has a terrific Thanksgiving. Stay safe, eat turkey and be thankful. :)
xoxoxoxoxo!
In no particular order, I am not only THANKFUL but, BLESSED as well, for....
11/1- A roof over my head. As broke as we feel sometimes, we have shelter- a place to call "home"- something many in this world do not have. And as much as I complain about the house... I am thankful for it.
11/2- My husband. A given, right? This man is incredible. He is a billion things and I could rattle them off, but I'll keep it short and sweet- he's humble, brilliant, selfless, loving, and mine. :)
11/3- Maeve. She's dramatic, over the top, and can function with little to no sleep. But she has the kindest soul. She's gentle and only knows goodness. For that, I'm thankful.
11/4- Henry. My manly mister on my hipster. (that's his new nickname). My bub is very clingy, which gives my arms and back a work out, but he's worth every ache! He's chubby, cuddly and my baby. I'm thankful for happy "surprises" (aka HENRY!).
11/5- Health. It's something that I genuinely thank God for each and every day. I'm not trying to be prideful, in saying that I pray and don't take this for granted- but its something that I try to keep in perspective 24/7. Whenever I'm having a rough day, I can look at my babies and say, "we're together, we're healthy, things could be worse." And that, my friends is the truth.
11/6- Good friends. They are few and far between, but I have them. They're the ones who send me little messages just saying "I miss you." Or the friend that I don't often see, but always has an ear and a shoulder for me. The friend that may not be within driving distance, but will always have my phone number and the right to vent, celebrate, and cry with. The friend who calls me nearly every morning, just to chat. The friend that drops goodies off on my door step, just to say, "hi." I am so blessed. And SO thankful for you, my dear friends. :)
11/7- The Incredibles, (aka my family). I could go on forever here, but my fingers can't form out the words that are flooding my head at the moment. So instead, I'll just say, they're really great. Really, really great. And I am thankful that I was born into such an amazing family.
11/8- my blackberry (and THIS, is where the list gets to be a smudge shallow). Or as my husband refers to it, my "crackberry." Yeah, its addictive. But its purple, it connects me to everyone, all the time, and it always gets good service. Thank you Verizon/Blackberry people :)
11/9- Jeggings. AMEN. The end.
11/10- Obstetricians, gynecologists, midwives, etc. I was sitting in the office the other day, (let me make certain, the reason for my office visit was NOT for obstetrics!) thinking how unpleasant of a job that could be. I won't get into detail here, but I think we should all be thankful someone is willing to deal with that...area. Ya know?
11/11- Medications. I've said it before, I'll say it again, I am thankful for modern medicine. From tylenol to my trusty altenelol, I give thanks that these medicines provide comfort and relief for me!
11/12- the ocean. "You don't want, you don't wait, you don't love, but you don't hate. You just roll, right over me, and you pull me in." -Jack Johnson
11/13- Crocs. My kids walk really well in them and the jibbitz are addicting.
11/14- food in my belly.
11/15- citrus trees. My parents have their "graperine" tree in the back yard. I take pictures of the sun coming up every morning, through the "graperines." I am thankful for the fruit itself; the yummy taste and smells, and also the happy feeling I get when I see the bobbing orange blobs.
11/16- pacifiers/bottles. They calm my kids down. Thank you.
11/17- the most magical place on earth. DISNEY Y'ALL! :) Oh Walt, I THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for having such a brilliant imagination and the capacity to dream like you did. THANK YOU.
11/18- fans. They help me sleep. I like the whir and the breeze they create.
11/19- good books that help me escape for a little bit.
11/20- pedicure and massage people :) I love you all.
11/21- I'm going to say this, and perhaps get some backlash for it, but FACEBOOK. Yup, I'm thankful for facebook. It can be very evil, but most of the time, it connects me with family and friends. I get to network with other moms from across the country. I get to photostalk. I love you facebook.
11/22- my cameras. What can I say? From the days of the disposable cameras to my baby (the 40d), photography has been this itch that always needs to be scratched. It will always keep me on my toes. It will always keep me wanting more, reaching for better, connecting me with people and places. It's the heartbeat of my creative, artsy side, and I'm thankful that there are people out there who think I've got potential. I'm thankful that I have eyes to see, and a fast shutter speed to capture anything I want.
11/23- time. How deep is that? But really, how could I (you, anyone?) not be thankful for time. The time we've had, the time we will have. I am thankful for every minute. Even as the days pass, and I wish bedtime would swoop in, I'm thankful for these days.
11/24- I am thankful my parents made me take piano lessons for 15 years. I can remember dragging my heals to each lesson, but my mom pushed me in the door every time. THANKS MOM! I am thankful that I can read music and pick up and play just about anything.
11/25- Life time movies. They're short, to the point and have enough drama to keep you awake. Love 'em.
---yeah, I know its not the 26th yet, but I am on a roll with things I'm thankful for... so I'm going with it.
11/26- living in the USA. I don't think I need to expand much on this, but I will, because its my blog, and I can. I am thankful I can pray to my God. I am thankful that I can say what I want, when I want to, where I want to. I am thankful that I have every opportunity to make my life how I want it. I am thankful for our freedom and for the men and women who have given it to us, time and time again.
11/27- I am thankful for recyclable bags. They're a fab invention and thankfully there are some super cute ones.
11/28- I am thankful for this blog. It has been a journey. And it will continue to be, I'm sure. I don't know what opportunities blogging has in store for me, but I'll keep on, keeping on. Speaking of blogging opportunities, I'm sure you've noticed the buttons on the right side of my blog- with the excitement of being a "public" blog now, I've joined a ton of networking sites. I encourage you (mommas) out there to do the same. I want to keep ((it)) a surprise, but I got a package in the mail (as told by Ryan), that will be another give away! I am SO excited- for me, for you- for these fabulous companies that have entrusted me with hosting a givvvve awaaaayyyyyy! :) ...readers stay tuned... ;)
11/29- The Chelsea Tree House. How could one not be thankful for a safe, enclosed playground, where your children can run a muck, and you, can sit back and drink coffee?
11/30- My Lord. I did save this one for last, because He is the reason I can even be thankful for everything I've listed. He gives me new days. He gives me forgiveness. He gives me the will to be a better person, to get up and do something. He gives me hope. I have promise in Him. I am thankful that I am able to worship the only God who saves. I am thankful that I am saved.
I hope everyone has a terrific Thanksgiving. Stay safe, eat turkey and be thankful. :)
xoxoxoxoxo!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
the gift of time.
Gosh.
What a thought.
How did I get this old, that I'm wishing for time? Dreaming, scheming for time rather than those new jeans, or a new pair of uggs.
No, we're all fine- praise Jesus. Physically, we're all fine- besides a little scare with the gyno (which I'm not going to go into) we're happy and healthy.
I just got off the phone with my mom and dad. Our talks are so different now a days. We don't talk about normal, everyday "stuff"- instead we talk about time.
The time we have until we see each other, the amount of time we are spending in Florida, how much time in between visits, what we'll do with our time together, etc.
Time, time, time.
For Christmas this year, my parents got our family flights to Florida. And I couldn't think of a better gift. I don't want, nor do I need anything else for my home. The kids certainly don't need a single thing...
We're getting the true gift of time :)
We are blessed, that's for sure.
I have a few girlfriends who I regularly chat with, venting about how much I miss my mom, dad, siblings.
I know in reality, millions of families are separated from coast to coast and not able to see each other often... maybe not even at all.
When it starts to get dark here in Michigan, I'll think of my airplane tickets, and be thankful for the time I do have with my family.
ahhh what a night. ;)
What a thought.
How did I get this old, that I'm wishing for time? Dreaming, scheming for time rather than those new jeans, or a new pair of uggs.
No, we're all fine- praise Jesus. Physically, we're all fine- besides a little scare with the gyno (which I'm not going to go into) we're happy and healthy.
I just got off the phone with my mom and dad. Our talks are so different now a days. We don't talk about normal, everyday "stuff"- instead we talk about time.
The time we have until we see each other, the amount of time we are spending in Florida, how much time in between visits, what we'll do with our time together, etc.
Time, time, time.
For Christmas this year, my parents got our family flights to Florida. And I couldn't think of a better gift. I don't want, nor do I need anything else for my home. The kids certainly don't need a single thing...
We're getting the true gift of time :)
We are blessed, that's for sure.
I have a few girlfriends who I regularly chat with, venting about how much I miss my mom, dad, siblings.
I know in reality, millions of families are separated from coast to coast and not able to see each other often... maybe not even at all.
When it starts to get dark here in Michigan, I'll think of my airplane tickets, and be thankful for the time I do have with my family.
ahhh what a night. ;)
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
i didn't know.
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| This time last year... I didn't know that you'd love watching your sister play... |
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| ...I didn't know you'd stomp around like an elephant, and your nickname would be "Godzilla!" :). |
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| ...I didn't know you would sit so contently, and absorb the chaos around you. |
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| I wished, prayed and hoped, but I didn't know you'd be your dadda's best pal. You are. |
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| ...I didn't know you'd have dadda's eyes, chin, hair, etc. etc. etc. (little clone:). |
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This time last year, I didn't realize how fast life flies by. |
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| I didn't know that I'd blink and you'd be standing. |
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| or sitting... |
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| this time last year, I didn't know how chubby your feet would be. |
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| this time last year you were squished.. |
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| this time last year, I didn't know you had wrinkly, wobbly knees. |
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| this time last year I didn't know.... |
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that another man could so efficiently and swiftly steal my heart. |
Now I know.
Now I know you have wrinkly knees, chubby feet, daddy's features. I know you like to knock down block towers and throw balls. I know that you love your sister more than anything. Now I know what it feels like to love even deeper than I thought possible.
I love you Henry! 3 weeks and we'll be celebrating your one year of life on this earth. Mind blowing.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
brutal
life can be so brutal sometimes.
not to me... but its hard to process what's going on around me. People I love so dearly. GOOD people that deserve so much more than what they're getting out of this life.
i feel like an octopus- with tons of arms- reaching as far and as hard as I can to as many people as I can... but I'm always one arm or two, or three short.
Perhaps this post would be better left unpublished... but then again, maybe not.
I blog to jot down life's happenings, to remember details of this very day, to get the energy out of my fingers and into this BOX called a computer.
I think sometimes it gets me into trouble... all my typing.
Anyways.
Brutal.
As much as I'd like to I can't heal anything or anyone. I can't. I can put bandaids on. But I can't heal. I can say "It's going to be alright." but I can't guarantee that.
I had a conversation last night about my anxiety. What propels and feeds my anxiety- if you didn't already know, its control. Or lack of I guess.
I am constantly afraid of dropping the plates. I am that person, wiggling 15 plates in the air, running back and forth to each one, making sure that they're spinning correctly and aren't in danger of falling.
I am afraid... no- terrified of losing control.
If I could, I'd take the reigns on this thing called life, and direct it exactly the way I want and think it should go. I'm not the kind of person who likes surprises, trials, challenges or rough terrain. I have (and will) always opt for smooth sailing. A straight course, with a sunny destination.+
Unfortunately, I don't have the reigns. And sometimes (like tonight) I feel like I don't even have the voice to say "WOAH!" (or whatever they say to horses... yeah, just keep digging with me..:)
Everything is alright. PLEASE no messages asking if I'm okay- I am... this isn't about me... I'm just tired. REALLY, really tired. Tired of the relentless control that anxiety has over me. The inability to let go. Let go of people, places, things, thoughts, feelings, conversations. It's like if I divert my thoughts about something, stop focusing for a second, I will lose control. The funny thing is, I don't have any control. Stupid irony of it, is that this is all controlling me.
I'm sure I've lost you all by now.
But if I haven't... say some prayers for those people out there who are on the wrong path. Rough terrain, choppy water, whatever you want to call it-because they're hurting. And we can't fix it. I can't, you can't. A million, trillion dollars can't.
But He can. so pray.
I love you(s)... and (you(s) know who (you(s) are :).
not to me... but its hard to process what's going on around me. People I love so dearly. GOOD people that deserve so much more than what they're getting out of this life.
i feel like an octopus- with tons of arms- reaching as far and as hard as I can to as many people as I can... but I'm always one arm or two, or three short.
Perhaps this post would be better left unpublished... but then again, maybe not.
I blog to jot down life's happenings, to remember details of this very day, to get the energy out of my fingers and into this BOX called a computer.
I think sometimes it gets me into trouble... all my typing.
Anyways.
Brutal.
As much as I'd like to I can't heal anything or anyone. I can't. I can put bandaids on. But I can't heal. I can say "It's going to be alright." but I can't guarantee that.
I had a conversation last night about my anxiety. What propels and feeds my anxiety- if you didn't already know, its control. Or lack of I guess.
I am constantly afraid of dropping the plates. I am that person, wiggling 15 plates in the air, running back and forth to each one, making sure that they're spinning correctly and aren't in danger of falling.
I am afraid... no- terrified of losing control.
If I could, I'd take the reigns on this thing called life, and direct it exactly the way I want and think it should go. I'm not the kind of person who likes surprises, trials, challenges or rough terrain. I have (and will) always opt for smooth sailing. A straight course, with a sunny destination.+
Unfortunately, I don't have the reigns. And sometimes (like tonight) I feel like I don't even have the voice to say "WOAH!" (or whatever they say to horses... yeah, just keep digging with me..:)
Everything is alright. PLEASE no messages asking if I'm okay- I am... this isn't about me... I'm just tired. REALLY, really tired. Tired of the relentless control that anxiety has over me. The inability to let go. Let go of people, places, things, thoughts, feelings, conversations. It's like if I divert my thoughts about something, stop focusing for a second, I will lose control. The funny thing is, I don't have any control. Stupid irony of it, is that this is all controlling me.
I'm sure I've lost you all by now.
But if I haven't... say some prayers for those people out there who are on the wrong path. Rough terrain, choppy water, whatever you want to call it-because they're hurting. And we can't fix it. I can't, you can't. A million, trillion dollars can't.
But He can. so pray.
I love you(s)... and (you(s) know who (you(s) are :).
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
"Dawn Anna."
I cried a river today.
But it was a good cry. It was a validated cry. I've been having a lot of un-validated cries lately... making me feel a tad pathetic and self concsious. This movie, however, earns the right to be watched- and YES,cried over. "Dawn Anna" is a lifetime movie. SO yeah, there are some cheesy parts... but, her story is incredible. It touched me, it moved me and it jerked things back into perspective. Everyone needs a good jerking... (RAY SAVICKE- don't you even think about commenting on this!!! :)
I think I'm a victim of getting lost in the swirling blur that is life. Oh, oh, oh... the stuff that has been going through my head the past few days warrants a burning barrel. - meaning, those thoughts are so insignificant- they need to be discarded and burned. Turned into ashes and swept away... because surely, there are more important things to take up my brain than a funny game of 3rd grade dodgeball.
I don't know, maybe it doesn't take much to blow me away... but by the end of the movie, I had red, swollen eyes, a stuffy nose, and was thanking God for my kids, my family, my health, my happiness. I also made the conscious decision to laugh. LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH. LAUGH every day. Laugh about the silliness... SILLY things that "hurt" my feelings- what's really silly is, that's not hurt... sticks and stones right? :) Words will never hurt me.
It seems like I get smacked in the face with a good life lesson about once a month. It usually comes in the form of an "Oprah" episode, or some crazy thing I've dug up on youtube. Today it came from a simple Lifetime movie that I happened to catch. God is working with and on me... tweaking things, pushing me back into place... setting my priorities straight and giving me some good gut punches....
I cringe to think about the breath I've wasted in this life so far. My breath (and yours) is too precious to waste on anything but positive love. Love, love, love.
SO, in the meantime, I'm smiling... smiling for my dear friends, smiling for my newly "Buffett-ized" family, smiling for my sleeping babies, smiling for my crazy husband who likes to do funny things (more on that tomorrow), smiling because the big problem in my life right now is not big. It is silly. It is minute. It's actually.... GONE.
sleep tight, Goodnight! :)
But it was a good cry. It was a validated cry. I've been having a lot of un-validated cries lately... making me feel a tad pathetic and self concsious. This movie, however, earns the right to be watched- and YES,cried over. "Dawn Anna" is a lifetime movie. SO yeah, there are some cheesy parts... but, her story is incredible. It touched me, it moved me and it jerked things back into perspective. Everyone needs a good jerking... (RAY SAVICKE- don't you even think about commenting on this!!! :)
I think I'm a victim of getting lost in the swirling blur that is life. Oh, oh, oh... the stuff that has been going through my head the past few days warrants a burning barrel. - meaning, those thoughts are so insignificant- they need to be discarded and burned. Turned into ashes and swept away... because surely, there are more important things to take up my brain than a funny game of 3rd grade dodgeball.
I don't know, maybe it doesn't take much to blow me away... but by the end of the movie, I had red, swollen eyes, a stuffy nose, and was thanking God for my kids, my family, my health, my happiness. I also made the conscious decision to laugh. LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH. LAUGH every day. Laugh about the silliness... SILLY things that "hurt" my feelings- what's really silly is, that's not hurt... sticks and stones right? :) Words will never hurt me.
It seems like I get smacked in the face with a good life lesson about once a month. It usually comes in the form of an "Oprah" episode, or some crazy thing I've dug up on youtube. Today it came from a simple Lifetime movie that I happened to catch. God is working with and on me... tweaking things, pushing me back into place... setting my priorities straight and giving me some good gut punches....
I cringe to think about the breath I've wasted in this life so far. My breath (and yours) is too precious to waste on anything but positive love. Love, love, love.
SO, in the meantime, I'm smiling... smiling for my dear friends, smiling for my newly "Buffett-ized" family, smiling for my sleeping babies, smiling for my crazy husband who likes to do funny things (more on that tomorrow), smiling because the big problem in my life right now is not big. It is silly. It is minute. It's actually.... GONE.
sleep tight, Goodnight! :)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Where Have I Gone?
Sorry folks, this is going to be a deep one tonight... I'm in that kind of mood.
I don't really know what or how to say a lot of this so I'm going to just free type... today's just been a bad day. I've thoroughly hurt friendships and feelings.
I am sitting here, with my head spinning, crying (of course) and wondering, "Where have I gone? WHERE HAVE I GONE?"
Without giving out much info, I'm in a sitch.
I handled said sitch out of character.
I used bad language, I put others down.
I now feel like complete junk.
I am a 26 year old mother. I am better than this. I am better than that. WHERE HAVE I GONE???
It takes a second to slip. Just a quick second and you're down- and in my case, not just down- but through the ice, under the water and gasping for air. It takes half a second to spew out something that should have been filtered. And it takes years for those spewed words to be forgotten.
I was asked today if I was a Christian- (well more of "you say you're a Christian..." type of thing) and I took a long, hard look at that. I screwed up. Plain and simple. There are no excuses, I messed up.
I feel like I need to be stripped down. Stripped inside and out, drilling directly into the blatently BRIGHT core issue, that is, my faith- or at this moment, lack of. I look at my sister in Mississippi, who is so strong in her faith- and I am infinitely jealous. She has a peace about her that I so desperately want. You can see her joy radiating through her eyes. (Meg I miss you more than words).
Sometimes I'm so consumed with how I look on the outside- who my friends are, how my kids are behaving, what my house looks like- in reality, I need to focus on my rotting insides. They've got to be rotting. And friends, I'm being so brutally honest here, these past few months I have been bitter and angry. I have tried and failed at putting band aids over everything- going shopping, hanging out with a friend, watching a movie, cranking up the music in my car- I know I won't find what I'm looking for in any of that... not in Ryan, or even my kids. I need the peace that passes all understanding. And I need it badly. WHERE HAVE I GONE???
Coincidentally enough, the peace that passes all understanding comes from the God who is still holding onto me. The God that cringed as I said some awful things, thought awful thoughts, but is still keeping me close and warm, forgiving completely, forgetting and loving me. He loves me even though I screw(ed) up. He loves me flawed. He loves me when I've strayed. And his love finds me even when I am wondering where I've gone.
There is no doubt I will screw up again and again (and again and again...) but I'm trying to find peace in this moment, knowing that, even with how awful I feel about myself and the words I've said, the feelings I've hurt, the friendships that have been scarred, it's okay. I'm okay. My God is telling me its okay, holding me tight, and asking "WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?"
My answer: :"I'M STILL HERE."... I just need some help up.
I don't really know what or how to say a lot of this so I'm going to just free type... today's just been a bad day. I've thoroughly hurt friendships and feelings.
I am sitting here, with my head spinning, crying (of course) and wondering, "Where have I gone? WHERE HAVE I GONE?"
Without giving out much info, I'm in a sitch.
I handled said sitch out of character.
I used bad language, I put others down.
I now feel like complete junk.
I am a 26 year old mother. I am better than this. I am better than that. WHERE HAVE I GONE???
It takes a second to slip. Just a quick second and you're down- and in my case, not just down- but through the ice, under the water and gasping for air. It takes half a second to spew out something that should have been filtered. And it takes years for those spewed words to be forgotten.
I was asked today if I was a Christian- (well more of "you say you're a Christian..." type of thing) and I took a long, hard look at that. I screwed up. Plain and simple. There are no excuses, I messed up.
I feel like I need to be stripped down. Stripped inside and out, drilling directly into the blatently BRIGHT core issue, that is, my faith- or at this moment, lack of. I look at my sister in Mississippi, who is so strong in her faith- and I am infinitely jealous. She has a peace about her that I so desperately want. You can see her joy radiating through her eyes. (Meg I miss you more than words).
Sometimes I'm so consumed with how I look on the outside- who my friends are, how my kids are behaving, what my house looks like- in reality, I need to focus on my rotting insides. They've got to be rotting. And friends, I'm being so brutally honest here, these past few months I have been bitter and angry. I have tried and failed at putting band aids over everything- going shopping, hanging out with a friend, watching a movie, cranking up the music in my car- I know I won't find what I'm looking for in any of that... not in Ryan, or even my kids. I need the peace that passes all understanding. And I need it badly. WHERE HAVE I GONE???
Coincidentally enough, the peace that passes all understanding comes from the God who is still holding onto me. The God that cringed as I said some awful things, thought awful thoughts, but is still keeping me close and warm, forgiving completely, forgetting and loving me. He loves me even though I screw(ed) up. He loves me flawed. He loves me when I've strayed. And his love finds me even when I am wondering where I've gone.
There is no doubt I will screw up again and again (and again and again...) but I'm trying to find peace in this moment, knowing that, even with how awful I feel about myself and the words I've said, the feelings I've hurt, the friendships that have been scarred, it's okay. I'm okay. My God is telling me its okay, holding me tight, and asking "WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?"
My answer: :"I'M STILL HERE."... I just need some help up.
Monday, May 24, 2010
A *teeny tiny* bit of a vent :)
I hate using my blog to complain and vent. I have a good life... a really, really good, amazing life. And the way I write sometimes, you'd think I was on my last leg or something. I guess I can be dramatic :) But this has been weighing heavily on my mind... and I want opinions & dare I say... support? :) Just a pat on the back. Or validation that I'm not crazy. Ya know, whatever you can offer :)
So the other night we were at a wedding... (a BIG wedding) and we were seated with some good friends. I've known them my entire life- two of them threw me my baby shower for Maeve. My mom was also seated with us. We had both kids and I'm sure I was looking a little flustered. NO it isn't super easy having two little ones that are so young, but its fine. I'M FINE. We're ALL FINE. My point is, the conversation turned to how many kids Ryan and I wanted to have. I threw out the number 4- you should have seen the looks. And someone actually said, "You've got the best of both worlds- why don't you just stop right now?" WTH???
First of all, who's business is it how many children Ryan and I decide to have? We don't live off the government; we pay for our children. We take care of them. I spend my days making sure they are happy, healthy, well fed, socialized, adjusted, etc. I feel like I put every ounce of me into being the best mom that I can possibly be- so why would it be a travesty for me to have more children??? Why would that be "ruining" what I have???? (Yes- someone also included that nice word in there "Why ruin what you've got going?") Again- I have no clue what these comments are supposed to mean. I suppose if I were a deadbeat mom, who couldn't afford the two kids I had, someone *MIGHT* have the right to tell me that I should quit reproducing... but I'm NOT a deadbeat mom. I have the confidence to say that I think I'm a pretty good mom. There are days when I want to call my mom and beg her to come and take Maeve for a couple of hours so I can get a break- but I don't. I stick with her- I deal with the discipline issues. I'm on the front lines day in and day out.
I feel like I work SO HARD- and yup, I make a 1000 mistakes a day. I say things I shouldn't. I don't have the greatest patience. I sometimes, lay Henry down after he's been screaming for an hour just so I can step outside and NOT hear him screaming. I tell Maeve she's "makin' me crazy" :). I am late for everything. I go through the drive thru more times than I'd like. I am the bribing queen. I cherish the hour of 8 PM (bedtime). I let Maeve make giant messes all over my house and I don't immediately clean them up. I've got crumbs covering my floors, couches, tables, carpets, etc. Sticky finger prints cover the doors, walls, mirrors, everything! My mascara has fuzz and dog hair in it from Maeve rubbing it all over the floor. I share everything- showers, food, the couch, my bed, -EVERYTHING. And though at times, its annoying, I wouldn't change a thing. I love being a mom. I love it with every fiber in me. It's who I am- my kids are my sun and moon. And I want more. More kids, that is. And if that makes me "crazy" then so be it. I guess I'm "crazy."
From the outside looking in, it may seem like we "have the best of both worlds" (and we do-) but that's not to say that our family is complete. That's between Ryan, myself and God. And in our hearts we know our family isn't complete. So don't be shocked if in a year or so I am -GASP- pregnant again. We are expanding (eventually) and I can guarantee you, I will still be able to give them my time, energy, FOOD (haha- someone actually said "Kids are expensive- you gotta feed them!" REALLY?!?! ), clothing, vacations, good times and precious memories. We will not have the nicest house. We won't drive new cars-ever- (unless we hit the mega millions...which we DO play all the time :) I will continue to coupon and live frugally. Our clothes will continue to be second hand or clearanced down to two bucks :) I am content with my 8 year old Coach purse that has a giant orange bleach stain on it. We have stains and rips and if something is name brand its either been bought by my mom or purchased at a garage sale or consignment shop. The point is, the most important thing on this earth is my family. Whether God gives us the 2 children we have or blesses us with 2 more- they are my world. And will ALWAYS be put first and foremost. And I can guarantee you, they will always, always be loved.
Give me your opinion. Is it right for an "outsider" (be that, your mother, your moms friends, your friends, etc.) to have any sort of a say on the growth or expansion of YOUR family? How many kids is too many? How many kids do you plan on having, and why? If you already do have a large family, how do you handle the comments (that I'm sure you get- because lately, I've noticed people lack a lot of tact: "Are they all yours?") I'd LOVE more than anything to hear your opinions on this... its been weighing on me and I'm interested in hearing what my peers have to say.
Thanks for reading such a heavy vent on a Monday morning. I hope you all have a great week. And I promise, really, really promise- I will get back to my Disney posting...soon. :) For now, its time to go figure out what that giant bang was that just came from Maeves room... hmmm.
No worries- I am not going to go "duggar" on you all :)-I will leave you with that last bit of reassurance. :)
***AN AUTHOR CLARIFICATION!!!***
Okay, after reading some comments- I want to make 120% sure that this blog post isn't coming across as though if you choose to only have one or two children, than I think you're wrong- not at all. The ENTIRE POINT of this post is that the number of children in your family doesn't matter to me- and it shouldn't matter to anyone. If you choose to have one, fab. Two? Great. Three? Fine! NO WORRIES. This was a post about how I am thoroughly annoyed by the fact that "outsiders" (meaning those NOT in your immediate CORE family- in my case, RYAN AND I) feel like they should voice an opinion on how many children would make YOUR life easier/better. Make sense??? I hope :) I am really hoping nobody is offended by this post either... yikes... SO NOT MY INTENTION. All my friends are fab moms regardless of the number of kids. I simply want to be able to reproduce without commentary and questioning and opinions. :) There... said my thing. :)
So the other night we were at a wedding... (a BIG wedding) and we were seated with some good friends. I've known them my entire life- two of them threw me my baby shower for Maeve. My mom was also seated with us. We had both kids and I'm sure I was looking a little flustered. NO it isn't super easy having two little ones that are so young, but its fine. I'M FINE. We're ALL FINE. My point is, the conversation turned to how many kids Ryan and I wanted to have. I threw out the number 4- you should have seen the looks. And someone actually said, "You've got the best of both worlds- why don't you just stop right now?" WTH???
First of all, who's business is it how many children Ryan and I decide to have? We don't live off the government; we pay for our children. We take care of them. I spend my days making sure they are happy, healthy, well fed, socialized, adjusted, etc. I feel like I put every ounce of me into being the best mom that I can possibly be- so why would it be a travesty for me to have more children??? Why would that be "ruining" what I have???? (Yes- someone also included that nice word in there "Why ruin what you've got going?") Again- I have no clue what these comments are supposed to mean. I suppose if I were a deadbeat mom, who couldn't afford the two kids I had, someone *MIGHT* have the right to tell me that I should quit reproducing... but I'm NOT a deadbeat mom. I have the confidence to say that I think I'm a pretty good mom. There are days when I want to call my mom and beg her to come and take Maeve for a couple of hours so I can get a break- but I don't. I stick with her- I deal with the discipline issues. I'm on the front lines day in and day out.
I feel like I work SO HARD- and yup, I make a 1000 mistakes a day. I say things I shouldn't. I don't have the greatest patience. I sometimes, lay Henry down after he's been screaming for an hour just so I can step outside and NOT hear him screaming. I tell Maeve she's "makin' me crazy" :). I am late for everything. I go through the drive thru more times than I'd like. I am the bribing queen. I cherish the hour of 8 PM (bedtime). I let Maeve make giant messes all over my house and I don't immediately clean them up. I've got crumbs covering my floors, couches, tables, carpets, etc. Sticky finger prints cover the doors, walls, mirrors, everything! My mascara has fuzz and dog hair in it from Maeve rubbing it all over the floor. I share everything- showers, food, the couch, my bed, -EVERYTHING. And though at times, its annoying, I wouldn't change a thing. I love being a mom. I love it with every fiber in me. It's who I am- my kids are my sun and moon. And I want more. More kids, that is. And if that makes me "crazy" then so be it. I guess I'm "crazy."
From the outside looking in, it may seem like we "have the best of both worlds" (and we do-) but that's not to say that our family is complete. That's between Ryan, myself and God. And in our hearts we know our family isn't complete. So don't be shocked if in a year or so I am -GASP- pregnant again. We are expanding (eventually) and I can guarantee you, I will still be able to give them my time, energy, FOOD (haha- someone actually said "Kids are expensive- you gotta feed them!" REALLY?!?! ), clothing, vacations, good times and precious memories. We will not have the nicest house. We won't drive new cars-ever- (unless we hit the mega millions...which we DO play all the time :) I will continue to coupon and live frugally. Our clothes will continue to be second hand or clearanced down to two bucks :) I am content with my 8 year old Coach purse that has a giant orange bleach stain on it. We have stains and rips and if something is name brand its either been bought by my mom or purchased at a garage sale or consignment shop. The point is, the most important thing on this earth is my family. Whether God gives us the 2 children we have or blesses us with 2 more- they are my world. And will ALWAYS be put first and foremost. And I can guarantee you, they will always, always be loved.
Give me your opinion. Is it right for an "outsider" (be that, your mother, your moms friends, your friends, etc.) to have any sort of a say on the growth or expansion of YOUR family? How many kids is too many? How many kids do you plan on having, and why? If you already do have a large family, how do you handle the comments (that I'm sure you get- because lately, I've noticed people lack a lot of tact: "Are they all yours?") I'd LOVE more than anything to hear your opinions on this... its been weighing on me and I'm interested in hearing what my peers have to say.
Thanks for reading such a heavy vent on a Monday morning. I hope you all have a great week. And I promise, really, really promise- I will get back to my Disney posting...soon. :) For now, its time to go figure out what that giant bang was that just came from Maeves room... hmmm.
No worries- I am not going to go "duggar" on you all :)-I will leave you with that last bit of reassurance. :)
***AN AUTHOR CLARIFICATION!!!***
Okay, after reading some comments- I want to make 120% sure that this blog post isn't coming across as though if you choose to only have one or two children, than I think you're wrong- not at all. The ENTIRE POINT of this post is that the number of children in your family doesn't matter to me- and it shouldn't matter to anyone. If you choose to have one, fab. Two? Great. Three? Fine! NO WORRIES. This was a post about how I am thoroughly annoyed by the fact that "outsiders" (meaning those NOT in your immediate CORE family- in my case, RYAN AND I) feel like they should voice an opinion on how many children would make YOUR life easier/better. Make sense??? I hope :) I am really hoping nobody is offended by this post either... yikes... SO NOT MY INTENTION. All my friends are fab moms regardless of the number of kids. I simply want to be able to reproduce without commentary and questioning and opinions. :) There... said my thing. :)
Monday, May 17, 2010
What Is It About A Newborn???
Gosh- what a soul searching week this has been for me! Bizarre to say that, but really, I can't remember the last time I have done so much thinking, crying and reminiscing.
If you haven't heard (and if you haven't you must have boycotted facebook for the week or something :) I got the UNBELIEVABLE privilege and honor of being present at and photographing my dear friend Angie's birth. My fingers are hesitating to type because I'm unable to come up with even a smidgen of a word to describe the birth accurately. I mean, I'm sure to the doctor and the nurses, it was your run of the mill birth; the labor went smoothly (besides a severe drop in blood pressure on Angie's part which was pretty frightening!) and I'm sure when her nurses and Dr.P went home they didn't think twice about the birth of Layla Susanna Marie. I, however, can't get it out of my head. Nor can I stop thinking about the births of my own kids.
Angie happened to be put in the SAME room I had Henry in- 414. As soon as I walked in, I was flooded with memories and started to cry... is this normal?!?!?! Anyways, it was a long day... I'm sure a LOT longer for Angie! She did get an epidural but that's when her BP dropped... she only pushed for a few minutes though and Layla made her way into this world. I won't give out all the details, as that's Angie's place to do so. But OMG. Incredible. Awesome. Out of this world. THERE IS A GOD, a GREAT GOD. Insane. All these words/phrases ran through my head during the birth of Layla.
Now, my job, I thought- would be to capture the details of the birth- things that you can't capture if you're either A.) in labor or B.) a spouse who doesn't even know how to work a point and shoot camera :)- and that's not a slam to Sam at all- Ryan (and I'm sure many other hubbies) has major problems with cutting off heads and getting us ALL in the pic... I got to the hospital around 11 or so, and started shooting away. Like I said, we were in the room where H was born, so I was already very teary eyed while photographing the baby warmer, the baby shampoo, little stethoscope that would soon be used, etc. Back to what I thought my job would entail- I really didn't think Angie would want me in the room while pushing- I mean, anyone who's given birth knows what an intense time that is- and I thought the last thing she'd want is me snapping away in her face. As time wore on though, she got to be a little more out of it- I remembered that feeling so well. That feeling of losing all inhibitions- because the only thing that mattered was getting that BABY OUT! :) She ended up asking me to stay in- and I was scared out of my mind.
I took a break from the intensity of the room (right around when her BP dropped) and called Les. I told her I was going to pass out- there was no way I could do this! I thought I'd just be photographing the baby POST birth- not like actively coming out. Again, what great friends I have- Les gave me a fab pep talk (reminding me over and over again to make sure I'm upfront with the nurses if I start to feel dizzy or lightheaded!) and Jess even offered to come up and sit with me. I was REALLY excited for that- because Jess is a GREAT photographer and I was a hot second away from sending HER into the room with the camera! :) However, baby Layla had different plans- she decided to arrive completely out of the blue- and FAST.
Angie went from sleeping/comfortable to "THE BABY IS COMING NOW." I took my place behind her head and I felt a calm come over me. I was very comfortable with my spot. I couldn't see anything more than her thighs/butt area. And of course her face :) I snapped a lot of pics of her face- and although SHE thinks they're ugly- I think they're gorgeous. Yeah- she is making pushing faces... straining faces, pained faces- but these faces represent LABOR. And LABOR is truly a beautiful, miraculous thing. As far as my "photography" goes (I say "photography" because we all know I am not a REAL photographer- just a complete amateur who is very passionate about life.) I definitely learned a lesson in birth photography- it's very hard to capture super quick moments CLEARLY when you're bawling your eyeballs out! (and shaking) :)...
All in all, it was an experience I'll never forget. Next to my kids births, it was the most incredible thing I've ever seen. I think that it should be on everyone's bucket list- to see a birth.
The birth left me incredibly tired. I came home and zonked out. Thank goodness Ryan was there- because when I woke up it was 9:30 PM and both kids had been bathed, fed and put to bed. I asked Ryan to bring Henry in... because I really wanted to snuggle with MY baby. He warned me that he'd wake up and once he was up, it would be my job to get him back to sleep. I took the gamble. :) He slept with me for about a half hour and then started stirring. I realized, as little as Henry had looked Thursday morning before I had left for the hospital, he was no longer a peacefully, obliviously sleeping baby. He wakes to the sound of the tv... to the movement of me next to him. He has totally outgrown the newborn-sleep-through anything stage. How depressing.
I spent the next hour getting him back to bed (Ryan was laughing... because he "told me so.") Anyways, while feeding him his 3rd bottle in an hour time period, I couldn't help but to think how quickly time goes. HOW cliche- I KNOW I KNOW. My parents used to tell me all the time "enjoy it now, because before you know it..." I used to think that was something "old" people said :) SADLY, its too true. Life with children is unfairly fast. And there's no slowing it down. I can't halt their growth... I can't keep them in diapers forever (like I'd really want to!), I can't expect them to always want to cuddle with me. I know they're growing. And that's a good thing- I wouldn't want them to not grow. I just wish it wouldn't go so fast. Or rather, I wish I could savor every second... instead of spending my time stressing over the house, their clothing, food for the day/week, money, bills, plans... you get the picture.
I told Ryan the number of children I want has now bumped up to 6. HAHA. You should have seen his face. Funny though, because we both come from large families... I didn't think it would be such a shock to him that yes, indeed, I want a large family. As the weekend wore on, I told him- "no seriously- I want a big family." And he told me, "Seriously- I do too." :) Will we REALLY have six children? Probably not... I am a firm believer in not depriving your already existing children of opportunities in order to add more to the clan. But you never know where we'll be in 2,3,4,5,6, etc. years. We'd like to think we'd be in a position to have a large family... but really, only God knows :) My mom told me she would have had 6, maybe MORE kids if they wouldn't have had to take her uterus! I have a feeling I might be following in her footsteps. I can't even come close to pretending to be one of those moms that doesn't love to have a baby around... :)
ohhhhhhh so what is it about newborns??? Really??? :)
If you haven't heard (and if you haven't you must have boycotted facebook for the week or something :) I got the UNBELIEVABLE privilege and honor of being present at and photographing my dear friend Angie's birth. My fingers are hesitating to type because I'm unable to come up with even a smidgen of a word to describe the birth accurately. I mean, I'm sure to the doctor and the nurses, it was your run of the mill birth; the labor went smoothly (besides a severe drop in blood pressure on Angie's part which was pretty frightening!) and I'm sure when her nurses and Dr.P went home they didn't think twice about the birth of Layla Susanna Marie. I, however, can't get it out of my head. Nor can I stop thinking about the births of my own kids.
Angie happened to be put in the SAME room I had Henry in- 414. As soon as I walked in, I was flooded with memories and started to cry... is this normal?!?!?! Anyways, it was a long day... I'm sure a LOT longer for Angie! She did get an epidural but that's when her BP dropped... she only pushed for a few minutes though and Layla made her way into this world. I won't give out all the details, as that's Angie's place to do so. But OMG. Incredible. Awesome. Out of this world. THERE IS A GOD, a GREAT GOD. Insane. All these words/phrases ran through my head during the birth of Layla.
Now, my job, I thought- would be to capture the details of the birth- things that you can't capture if you're either A.) in labor or B.) a spouse who doesn't even know how to work a point and shoot camera :)- and that's not a slam to Sam at all- Ryan (and I'm sure many other hubbies) has major problems with cutting off heads and getting us ALL in the pic... I got to the hospital around 11 or so, and started shooting away. Like I said, we were in the room where H was born, so I was already very teary eyed while photographing the baby warmer, the baby shampoo, little stethoscope that would soon be used, etc. Back to what I thought my job would entail- I really didn't think Angie would want me in the room while pushing- I mean, anyone who's given birth knows what an intense time that is- and I thought the last thing she'd want is me snapping away in her face. As time wore on though, she got to be a little more out of it- I remembered that feeling so well. That feeling of losing all inhibitions- because the only thing that mattered was getting that BABY OUT! :) She ended up asking me to stay in- and I was scared out of my mind.
I took a break from the intensity of the room (right around when her BP dropped) and called Les. I told her I was going to pass out- there was no way I could do this! I thought I'd just be photographing the baby POST birth- not like actively coming out. Again, what great friends I have- Les gave me a fab pep talk (reminding me over and over again to make sure I'm upfront with the nurses if I start to feel dizzy or lightheaded!) and Jess even offered to come up and sit with me. I was REALLY excited for that- because Jess is a GREAT photographer and I was a hot second away from sending HER into the room with the camera! :) However, baby Layla had different plans- she decided to arrive completely out of the blue- and FAST.
Angie went from sleeping/comfortable to "THE BABY IS COMING NOW." I took my place behind her head and I felt a calm come over me. I was very comfortable with my spot. I couldn't see anything more than her thighs/butt area. And of course her face :) I snapped a lot of pics of her face- and although SHE thinks they're ugly- I think they're gorgeous. Yeah- she is making pushing faces... straining faces, pained faces- but these faces represent LABOR. And LABOR is truly a beautiful, miraculous thing. As far as my "photography" goes (I say "photography" because we all know I am not a REAL photographer- just a complete amateur who is very passionate about life.) I definitely learned a lesson in birth photography- it's very hard to capture super quick moments CLEARLY when you're bawling your eyeballs out! (and shaking) :)...
All in all, it was an experience I'll never forget. Next to my kids births, it was the most incredible thing I've ever seen. I think that it should be on everyone's bucket list- to see a birth.
The birth left me incredibly tired. I came home and zonked out. Thank goodness Ryan was there- because when I woke up it was 9:30 PM and both kids had been bathed, fed and put to bed. I asked Ryan to bring Henry in... because I really wanted to snuggle with MY baby. He warned me that he'd wake up and once he was up, it would be my job to get him back to sleep. I took the gamble. :) He slept with me for about a half hour and then started stirring. I realized, as little as Henry had looked Thursday morning before I had left for the hospital, he was no longer a peacefully, obliviously sleeping baby. He wakes to the sound of the tv... to the movement of me next to him. He has totally outgrown the newborn-sleep-through anything stage. How depressing.
I spent the next hour getting him back to bed (Ryan was laughing... because he "told me so.") Anyways, while feeding him his 3rd bottle in an hour time period, I couldn't help but to think how quickly time goes. HOW cliche- I KNOW I KNOW. My parents used to tell me all the time "enjoy it now, because before you know it..." I used to think that was something "old" people said :) SADLY, its too true. Life with children is unfairly fast. And there's no slowing it down. I can't halt their growth... I can't keep them in diapers forever (like I'd really want to!), I can't expect them to always want to cuddle with me. I know they're growing. And that's a good thing- I wouldn't want them to not grow. I just wish it wouldn't go so fast. Or rather, I wish I could savor every second... instead of spending my time stressing over the house, their clothing, food for the day/week, money, bills, plans... you get the picture.
I told Ryan the number of children I want has now bumped up to 6. HAHA. You should have seen his face. Funny though, because we both come from large families... I didn't think it would be such a shock to him that yes, indeed, I want a large family. As the weekend wore on, I told him- "no seriously- I want a big family." And he told me, "Seriously- I do too." :) Will we REALLY have six children? Probably not... I am a firm believer in not depriving your already existing children of opportunities in order to add more to the clan. But you never know where we'll be in 2,3,4,5,6, etc. years. We'd like to think we'd be in a position to have a large family... but really, only God knows :) My mom told me she would have had 6, maybe MORE kids if they wouldn't have had to take her uterus! I have a feeling I might be following in her footsteps. I can't even come close to pretending to be one of those moms that doesn't love to have a baby around... :)
ohhhhhhh so what is it about newborns??? Really??? :)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Can I Turn to You?
Taking a quick break from Disney posts... I have insomnia again. My husband has resorted to sleeping out on the couch because I can't turn off the computer/TV/blackberry. Not because I'm addicted to anything in particular or talking with anyone but because I CANNOT SLEEP. I have waves of thought streaming through my brain... I wish I had an "off" button. But sadly, I don't. So, I am turning to the blog, to you to get some thoughts out and perhaps, just maybe I can type myself to sleep. Highly doubtful but worth a try.
-Yesterday afternoon I DVR'd an episode of Dr.Phil- normally he drives me nuts and I avoid his shows at all costs but I was running out of DVRd shows and I needed to make sure I had SOMETHING to watch at 3 AM. Anywho, back to the show. I ended up watching it around midnight or so- Ryan was once again on the couch- but this time it was because Henry was up and making noise and he felt like he could sleep better out in the living room...hmmm :) The show was about animal abuse- normally its not a title that would grab my attention- not that I'm NOT interested in animal abuse or rather, the prevention of animal abuse, its just not a HUGE interest of mine... like if the show would've been on anorexia or cancer or cheating scandals (haha-trashy I know) I would've been more excited to watch it. So where am I going with all of this? I was GLUED to the dang TV. Like fast forwarding through the commercials at lightening speed to get to the next segment- I was so appalled and taken aback by the way some people out there treat animals. I guess I had no clue how much abuse was really going on. I still obviously think child abuse takes precedence to animal abuse, however, its nonetheless pretty sickening. SO sickening, that I went out to the living room and dragged my 50 lb sleeping boxer back to the bedroom and made her snuggle with me. I scratched her ears and gave her a little head rub... and then I fell asleep dreaming about living on a farm (yes, this is a common dream) and adopting a few dogs. Hmmm... we shall see.
-I am photographing a birth tomorrow morning/afternoon/?evening? And I'm scared out of my brain. It's a good friend (ANGIE :) and I know she's going to do great but I'm nervous about seeing her in pain- seeing too much!?!? and missing PRIME-NEVER-GET-BACK moments. I love, love, love photography and I am loving all the practice I'm getting in with friends and family and I LOVE that Angie has entrusted me to capture these precious moments- but I am so intimidated! I am by NO MEANS a pro- but I'm going to give it my best shot. (hey- no pun intended! :) Not sure if Angie's going to post any of the pics or not... but if she does, I will make sure to post a few here... and I'm also planning on putting together a slide show for her- again, if she decides to share it, I will be sure to share it with you all also...
-Ryan got me a memory foam pillow for mothers day. To be fair, I asked for it (not for mothers day) but just randomly said "I want that." To be honest- its giving me a terrible neck ache. But I feel too bad to tell him :)
-I am beaming- BURSTING with pride. Maeve had her ballet pictures today and though she didn't POSE per say, she DID do her dances! And that's the really important part, right?? She is getting to be so big... I can hardly take it. I find myself listening to super sappy songs in the car and bawling my eyes out thinking about how my BABIES are growing too fast. Along with an "off" button for my brain, I'd also like a "pause" button on my kids :)
-speaking of my kids- here are some quick updates on both of them:
Maeve- boo boo queen. I've even started calling her "boo boo." Maybe its because she's been outside more and therefore, more active? I have no clue- but this past week she has managed to get a black eye (stick fighting with Sammie), a bruised back (falling off the side of the couch) and a bent back toe nail (stubbed it on Lord knows what). She kind of looks like she's been through a battle.
Mr. Man isn't doing too hot- well his roseola IS better- but his skin continues to be a problem. We aren't controlling it with the steroid creams which isn't good... we take him back in a couple of weeks to have his trunk looked at again (the eczema has spread to over 90% of his body) and if its still bad, we'll be referred up to the U. Half of me wants to go up there so maybe we can get SOME sort of help- I really had no clue how big of a deal eczema was- I think I've said it a thousand times before, that I thought it was just dry skin... but apparently when its covering such a large surface area, the risk of infections goes way up. And of course there's the whole scarring issue. He has 2 really bad spots on his hands that are literally pussing and blistering as we speak- they're AWFUL looking. We put a glove on him at night ( a baby glove, mind you:) but it always comes off in the morning and he's sucking on those spots again. Ughhh I know there are many, MANY worse things in life... I'm just sleep deprived and complaining.
-I miss Disney. I miss FL. I want another vacation. I asked Ryan if we could go on a Disney cruise. He said if I could find one for 50 bucks we're in. Guess its not happening anytime soon.
-I feel so blessed- my life has really rounded out lately. I have my two beautiful, healthy children, my wonderful husband, my amazing family, my house is in order (for the most part...), and what's really rounded out my world are my new girlfriends. They're not really NEW- I've known them for awhile now, but I guess we've just recently started hanging out (occasionally!) without the kids- and we've started talking about deeper issues than who's kid had the biggest poo. I treasure their friendship- I swear, some days just getting a phone call or a message from one of them, keeps me sane for the day! :) Jess, Les, Angie, Angela, Suz you guys rock :)
-Someone needs to ban me from watching "Monsters Inside Me" and "River Monsters." Really.
Alright... I think that about does it for my random ramblings. I am actually tired now... maybe just maybe... I....can...sleeeeeep....
-Yesterday afternoon I DVR'd an episode of Dr.Phil- normally he drives me nuts and I avoid his shows at all costs but I was running out of DVRd shows and I needed to make sure I had SOMETHING to watch at 3 AM. Anywho, back to the show. I ended up watching it around midnight or so- Ryan was once again on the couch- but this time it was because Henry was up and making noise and he felt like he could sleep better out in the living room...hmmm :) The show was about animal abuse- normally its not a title that would grab my attention- not that I'm NOT interested in animal abuse or rather, the prevention of animal abuse, its just not a HUGE interest of mine... like if the show would've been on anorexia or cancer or cheating scandals (haha-trashy I know) I would've been more excited to watch it. So where am I going with all of this? I was GLUED to the dang TV. Like fast forwarding through the commercials at lightening speed to get to the next segment- I was so appalled and taken aback by the way some people out there treat animals. I guess I had no clue how much abuse was really going on. I still obviously think child abuse takes precedence to animal abuse, however, its nonetheless pretty sickening. SO sickening, that I went out to the living room and dragged my 50 lb sleeping boxer back to the bedroom and made her snuggle with me. I scratched her ears and gave her a little head rub... and then I fell asleep dreaming about living on a farm (yes, this is a common dream) and adopting a few dogs. Hmmm... we shall see.
-I am photographing a birth tomorrow morning/afternoon/?evening? And I'm scared out of my brain. It's a good friend (ANGIE :) and I know she's going to do great but I'm nervous about seeing her in pain- seeing too much!?!? and missing PRIME-NEVER-GET-BACK moments. I love, love, love photography and I am loving all the practice I'm getting in with friends and family and I LOVE that Angie has entrusted me to capture these precious moments- but I am so intimidated! I am by NO MEANS a pro- but I'm going to give it my best shot. (hey- no pun intended! :) Not sure if Angie's going to post any of the pics or not... but if she does, I will make sure to post a few here... and I'm also planning on putting together a slide show for her- again, if she decides to share it, I will be sure to share it with you all also...
-Ryan got me a memory foam pillow for mothers day. To be fair, I asked for it (not for mothers day) but just randomly said "I want that." To be honest- its giving me a terrible neck ache. But I feel too bad to tell him :)
-I am beaming- BURSTING with pride. Maeve had her ballet pictures today and though she didn't POSE per say, she DID do her dances! And that's the really important part, right?? She is getting to be so big... I can hardly take it. I find myself listening to super sappy songs in the car and bawling my eyes out thinking about how my BABIES are growing too fast. Along with an "off" button for my brain, I'd also like a "pause" button on my kids :)
-speaking of my kids- here are some quick updates on both of them:
Maeve- boo boo queen. I've even started calling her "boo boo." Maybe its because she's been outside more and therefore, more active? I have no clue- but this past week she has managed to get a black eye (stick fighting with Sammie), a bruised back (falling off the side of the couch) and a bent back toe nail (stubbed it on Lord knows what). She kind of looks like she's been through a battle.
Mr. Man isn't doing too hot- well his roseola IS better- but his skin continues to be a problem. We aren't controlling it with the steroid creams which isn't good... we take him back in a couple of weeks to have his trunk looked at again (the eczema has spread to over 90% of his body) and if its still bad, we'll be referred up to the U. Half of me wants to go up there so maybe we can get SOME sort of help- I really had no clue how big of a deal eczema was- I think I've said it a thousand times before, that I thought it was just dry skin... but apparently when its covering such a large surface area, the risk of infections goes way up. And of course there's the whole scarring issue. He has 2 really bad spots on his hands that are literally pussing and blistering as we speak- they're AWFUL looking. We put a glove on him at night ( a baby glove, mind you:) but it always comes off in the morning and he's sucking on those spots again. Ughhh I know there are many, MANY worse things in life... I'm just sleep deprived and complaining.
-I miss Disney. I miss FL. I want another vacation. I asked Ryan if we could go on a Disney cruise. He said if I could find one for 50 bucks we're in. Guess its not happening anytime soon.
-I feel so blessed- my life has really rounded out lately. I have my two beautiful, healthy children, my wonderful husband, my amazing family, my house is in order (for the most part...), and what's really rounded out my world are my new girlfriends. They're not really NEW- I've known them for awhile now, but I guess we've just recently started hanging out (occasionally!) without the kids- and we've started talking about deeper issues than who's kid had the biggest poo. I treasure their friendship- I swear, some days just getting a phone call or a message from one of them, keeps me sane for the day! :) Jess, Les, Angie, Angela, Suz you guys rock :)
-Someone needs to ban me from watching "Monsters Inside Me" and "River Monsters." Really.
Alright... I think that about does it for my random ramblings. I am actually tired now... maybe just maybe... I....can...sleeeeeep....
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Ash McKenney Had a Farm...
E-I-E-I-O!!!!!!!!!
Don't ask me why, but I've been craving me some farm life. Wednesday morning, we (as in me & the kids) were sitting at home with literally not a THING to do. Now, I'm about to admit a biiiiigggg mommy secret here- I'm a tad ashamed to admit it- but I'm going to be honest here... sometimes, when there is nothing to do, Maeve has me on my last nerve (meaning she's pitched her 10000 tantrum, the house is trashed, she's gotten into my makeup for the 4000th time and Henry's screaming for...who knows what) I pack them into the car, turn on a DVD (portable dvd player on the back of the carseat- best purchase ever) and DRIVE. DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE. Maeve watches her movie, Henry sleeps, I swing by Starbucks and all is good again. Is that terrible that I resort to restraining my kids in their car seats and driving around to get a break??? Eeek... I hope not.
Anywho, after my run by Starbucks (I've become a fan of those dark cherry mochas- SO GOOD) I had the choice of turning left (South) or right(North). Which direction do you think I picked?? SOUTH. DUH.
I drove until I reached South Jackson and took S.Jax ALLLLLLLLLL the way to Somerset. Yup- it was a good 30 minute drive. Maeve was totally into "Pinnochio" and Henry was sleeping. We saw lots of cows, horses, sheep, chickens, etc. And I made sure to point them all out to Maeve- because heaven forbid she missed seeing a cow. Along with looking at old barns & animals, I was listening to Taylor Swift & daydreaming about owning my own chunk of land someday. Why do I want farm land? Isn't that just one more thing to take care of? Well, yes. It is. BUT I desperately need some space. Our family needs room to run, roam and explore. I am planning on homeschooling (no comments please! -unless they're loving comments of course :) and I want my kids to learn through experience. LOTS of experiences. Such experiences, I hope that a giant piece of land could give them. Because... on a giant piece of land we could own some of THESE. Because nothing is better than farm fresh eggs. And of course with a house full of chickens we'll need a giant man rooster to keep the lady hens all happy.
I also want one of THESE pretty little thangs. Why? Well, look at them- they're adorable. But I have always, ALWAYS wanted one. And I've heard they're smarter than dogs. So why not? :)
In fact, in the midst of all my daydreaming, I even caught myself wanting one of THESE! A silo!?!?! Yup... why would I want/need a silo? Purely for looks. But LOOK- they are beautiful, eh?? I also would adore a couple of these suckers. Just so we can, ya know, see what direction the wind is blowing!?! :)
Really, though- and this is being totally serious. I WANT A FIELD. A GIANT, HUGE, GARGANTUAN-sized FIELD. One that we could plant a beautiful vegetable garden in... one that kids could run through... one that our hens & our teacup piggy could graze in... ohhhhhh... how I long for a field.
After reaching our "destination" (keep in mind, there really was no destination) Somerset, I pulled off at the famous McCourtie Park. GASP- believe it or not, I had only been there once. The park kind of creeps me out- I felt like someone was watching us the entire time. I know- strange, but we were the only ones there and I was totally picturing the cops finding our empty jeep like two days later, parked outside & us being the new "Dateline" story on Friday night. ANYWAYS, I managed to get a couple of pics of Maeve enjoying the freedom of romping and roaming all over the park. Poor Henry was trapped in his stroller and endured quite the bumpy ride over all the non-stroller friendly bridges. He was a trooper though and stayed asleep the entire time.
Here are some pics from our morning:
All Maeve really cared to do was run, run, run- and find sticks. She found piles and piles of sticks. She waved them up in the air, hit the bridges with them, threw them into the stream.... yeah. All in all, it was a fab morning. It just happened to flood me with the desire to live on a farm. Sigh...
The good news is, FLORIDA :) has lots and lots of farmland for sale. We're actively looking for a nice plot. Whether or not things will fall into place... well that's not my work. So, we're praying. And hoping. And praying some more. :)
Don't ask me why, but I've been craving me some farm life. Wednesday morning, we (as in me & the kids) were sitting at home with literally not a THING to do. Now, I'm about to admit a biiiiigggg mommy secret here- I'm a tad ashamed to admit it- but I'm going to be honest here... sometimes, when there is nothing to do, Maeve has me on my last nerve (meaning she's pitched her 10000 tantrum, the house is trashed, she's gotten into my makeup for the 4000th time and Henry's screaming for...who knows what) I pack them into the car, turn on a DVD (portable dvd player on the back of the carseat- best purchase ever) and DRIVE. DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE. Maeve watches her movie, Henry sleeps, I swing by Starbucks and all is good again. Is that terrible that I resort to restraining my kids in their car seats and driving around to get a break??? Eeek... I hope not.
Anywho, after my run by Starbucks (I've become a fan of those dark cherry mochas- SO GOOD) I had the choice of turning left (South) or right(North). Which direction do you think I picked?? SOUTH. DUH.
I drove until I reached South Jackson and took S.Jax ALLLLLLLLLL the way to Somerset. Yup- it was a good 30 minute drive. Maeve was totally into "Pinnochio" and Henry was sleeping. We saw lots of cows, horses, sheep, chickens, etc. And I made sure to point them all out to Maeve- because heaven forbid she missed seeing a cow. Along with looking at old barns & animals, I was listening to Taylor Swift & daydreaming about owning my own chunk of land someday. Why do I want farm land? Isn't that just one more thing to take care of? Well, yes. It is. BUT I desperately need some space. Our family needs room to run, roam and explore. I am planning on homeschooling (no comments please! -unless they're loving comments of course :) and I want my kids to learn through experience. LOTS of experiences. Such experiences, I hope that a giant piece of land could give them. Because... on a giant piece of land we could own some of THESE. Because nothing is better than farm fresh eggs. And of course with a house full of chickens we'll need a giant man rooster to keep the lady hens all happy.
I also want one of THESE pretty little thangs. Why? Well, look at them- they're adorable. But I have always, ALWAYS wanted one. And I've heard they're smarter than dogs. So why not? :)
In fact, in the midst of all my daydreaming, I even caught myself wanting one of THESE! A silo!?!?! Yup... why would I want/need a silo? Purely for looks. But LOOK- they are beautiful, eh?? I also would adore a couple of these suckers. Just so we can, ya know, see what direction the wind is blowing!?! :)
Really, though- and this is being totally serious. I WANT A FIELD. A GIANT, HUGE, GARGANTUAN-sized FIELD. One that we could plant a beautiful vegetable garden in... one that kids could run through... one that our hens & our teacup piggy could graze in... ohhhhhh... how I long for a field.
After reaching our "destination" (keep in mind, there really was no destination) Somerset, I pulled off at the famous McCourtie Park. GASP- believe it or not, I had only been there once. The park kind of creeps me out- I felt like someone was watching us the entire time. I know- strange, but we were the only ones there and I was totally picturing the cops finding our empty jeep like two days later, parked outside & us being the new "Dateline" story on Friday night. ANYWAYS, I managed to get a couple of pics of Maeve enjoying the freedom of romping and roaming all over the park. Poor Henry was trapped in his stroller and endured quite the bumpy ride over all the non-stroller friendly bridges. He was a trooper though and stayed asleep the entire time.
Here are some pics from our morning:
All Maeve really cared to do was run, run, run- and find sticks. She found piles and piles of sticks. She waved them up in the air, hit the bridges with them, threw them into the stream.... yeah. All in all, it was a fab morning. It just happened to flood me with the desire to live on a farm. Sigh...
The good news is, FLORIDA :) has lots and lots of farmland for sale. We're actively looking for a nice plot. Whether or not things will fall into place... well that's not my work. So, we're praying. And hoping. And praying some more. :)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Anyone Catch This?
Sunday night, I just happened to come across a movie on LMN (Lifetime Movie Network, yeah I know) that was just starting. It was called Amish Grace. I tivo-d it and ended up watching it later that night. It took me by surprise. I wasn't prepared to be struck so hard by a Lifetime movie. There were most definitely some cheesy parts in it; After all, it wouldn't be a Lifetime movie without all the cheese! Still though, the message of the movie was so powerful, I just had to share.
Remember this? That horrific Amish school shooting back in October, 2006? "Amish Grace" (the LMN movie) went through the events of the day, but more importantly the events that followed.
I have always thought highly of the Amish. My dad has worked with them for as long as I can remember. I have vivid memories of visiting their farms and running around with the little Amish boys and girls, petting their animals and sneaking peaks of the...GULP...outhouses! We went to furniture auctions, cookouts, and a group of Amish men even helped my dad build our house (Ryan and I's AND my parents') from the ground up! They're just great people.
Okay, okay- back to the movie. I couldn't hold back the tears as they dramatized the shots being fired- knowing well that five little girls lost their lives that day. But the waterworks really began AFTER the dramatic shooting scene. Apparently, after this madman barricaded the one room school house shut, hogtied and shot the girls, the Amish had one thing on their mind: forgiveness. In fact, immediately following the shootings the elders (including a father of one of the dead girls) got a ride over to the widow's (Mrs. Roberts- the shooter's wife) house to pay their condolences to HER. To offer HER prayer. To offer HER some comfort. To let her know they would help HER out in any way they could. I was baffled. BLOWN AWAY. It's not often that you find someone (let alone a group of people) that truly practice what they preach. Of course, me being, well, ME, this movie got me thinking about my own life. I (thank the DEAR LORD) have not suffered any kind of a tragedy like these Amish people, yet I harvest grudges and resentment about the most ridiculous things. In the grand scheme of things, its actually really sickening to think about- I can't forgive a family member for ((this or that)) but these people can forgive (and TRULY forgive) the man who murdered their daughters??? And offer compassion to his wife? Completely mind blowing.
I have a new found respect for these people. Thanks to a cheesy Lifetime movie, I really feel like this is the first time in a long time I've been able to look at forgiveness from such a humbling point of view.
With all that rambling said.... I really want to know (if you feel comfortable enough to share) if you TRULY, TRULY could forgive your child's murderer. Not just say it, but follow through. It's a horrible thing to think about, and God-willing none of us will ever face that. But, I can't honestly say I could. In fact, right now, in my walk, I can say with certainty I could not forgive that person. So, please share... this movie really got me thinking... and I'm just curious.
And...if you have time, try and find "Amish Grace" so you can see for yourself the truly amazing spirit of these people.
Remember this? That horrific Amish school shooting back in October, 2006? "Amish Grace" (the LMN movie) went through the events of the day, but more importantly the events that followed.
I have always thought highly of the Amish. My dad has worked with them for as long as I can remember. I have vivid memories of visiting their farms and running around with the little Amish boys and girls, petting their animals and sneaking peaks of the...GULP...outhouses! We went to furniture auctions, cookouts, and a group of Amish men even helped my dad build our house (Ryan and I's AND my parents') from the ground up! They're just great people.
Okay, okay- back to the movie. I couldn't hold back the tears as they dramatized the shots being fired- knowing well that five little girls lost their lives that day. But the waterworks really began AFTER the dramatic shooting scene. Apparently, after this madman barricaded the one room school house shut, hogtied and shot the girls, the Amish had one thing on their mind: forgiveness. In fact, immediately following the shootings the elders (including a father of one of the dead girls) got a ride over to the widow's (Mrs. Roberts- the shooter's wife) house to pay their condolences to HER. To offer HER prayer. To offer HER some comfort. To let her know they would help HER out in any way they could. I was baffled. BLOWN AWAY. It's not often that you find someone (let alone a group of people) that truly practice what they preach. Of course, me being, well, ME, this movie got me thinking about my own life. I (thank the DEAR LORD) have not suffered any kind of a tragedy like these Amish people, yet I harvest grudges and resentment about the most ridiculous things. In the grand scheme of things, its actually really sickening to think about- I can't forgive a family member for ((this or that)) but these people can forgive (and TRULY forgive) the man who murdered their daughters??? And offer compassion to his wife? Completely mind blowing.
I have a new found respect for these people. Thanks to a cheesy Lifetime movie, I really feel like this is the first time in a long time I've been able to look at forgiveness from such a humbling point of view.
With all that rambling said.... I really want to know (if you feel comfortable enough to share) if you TRULY, TRULY could forgive your child's murderer. Not just say it, but follow through. It's a horrible thing to think about, and God-willing none of us will ever face that. But, I can't honestly say I could. In fact, right now, in my walk, I can say with certainty I could not forgive that person. So, please share... this movie really got me thinking... and I'm just curious.
And...if you have time, try and find "Amish Grace" so you can see for yourself the truly amazing spirit of these people.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
What I Thought.
---warning--- before you read this, there are a few "controversial" comments. I really don't want any negative feedback. This is a true, honest post. And I want to be able to say what I feel here. Even if that means admitting embarrassing, shameful things.
On February .... 2007, when I read the positive pregnancy test, I thought this was going to be a breeze. I mean everything- I thought the pregnancy would be easy peezy. I thought rearing a child would be even easier. I thought my biggest hurdle would be labor itself. Haha... what I've learned since then!
When I found out how horrible morning sickness was I thought there couldn't possibly be anything worse. And then "morning sickness" became "all-day" sickness. Yes, it got worse. When I made it out of the dreaded first trimester, I thought it would be smooth sailing. That's what I thought.
When I found out at 20 weeks I would be having a girl, I thought "it doesn't get better than this." It does. :)
When I entered my 33rd week of pregnancy, and my heart palpitations started up, I thought "it can't get any worse than this." It does. :)
During my 22 hour labor, in which my first epidural failed and my 2nd was placed too late, I thought "surely, this is the most painful thing I could ever go through." It's not.
When Maeve was born, I thought she was the cutest thing I had ever seen. There was no possible way she could get any cuter. That's what I thought. But she did. :)
When we drove home from the hospital, I thought of all the things I wanted to do with my little girl. Take her to the park, to Disney, to the fairs, to the pool. I thought those would be our funnest, most favorite memories. They're not. :)
Holding Maeve as an infant, I thought of everything I wanted her to be. A ballerina, a gymnast, a doctor. Those are things I thought I wanted for her. Wanted her to be. They're not.
Last March .... 2009, reading THAT positive pregnancy test I thought I was in the middle of a nightmare. I wasn't. :)
For months, I thought "HOW CAN I LOVE THIS BABY LIKE I LOVE MAEVE?" I do. :)
In July, deep in the emergency room, we found out we were going to be parents of a BOY. I thought they were wrong. They weren't. :)
When it was reconfirmed it was a boy, I thought "just my luck...a boy." Little did I know just how lucky I really was.
For the rest of the pregnancy, anytime I found out someone else was having a girl I thought of the little boy growing inside me and wished so hard that he'd come out a "she." Thank God he didn't.
I had many conversations with my good friends and Ryan with how I thought there would be no way I could A.) love another baby as much as I loved Maeve and, B.) love a boy. I did and do both. :)
I thought baby boy clothes were hideous. They aren't. :)
I thought I'd always prefer Maeve to this poor baby. I don't.
At 4:59 PM on November 23rd, when I held Henry in my arms for the first time I thought it wouldn't and couldn't compare to holding Maeve in my arms for the first time. It did. And in ways, surpassed it, because I had such a short labor with Henry. I was much more "with it," which made the experience better.
In the next few days, holding my sweet baby boy, I started tothink of what I wanted him to be. Again, I thought "doctor, lawyer, pilot, pro-soccer player, etc." That's what I thought I wanted for him.
When we brought Henry home, I thought life will never be the same again. And it won't. Thank Jesus for that :)
...So many thoughts of what I THOUGHT I wanted. What I thought I needed. It's funny how what we think we want, is not what we need.
What's the point of this post? (besides using the word "THOUGHT" WAYYYYYY too much?) I need to loosen up my grip and give up control to the One above. This entire time, He has known what I needed. And He continues to know. What prompted me to write this post, is hearing of yet another little one diagnosed with a life threatening condition. I was at the studio yesterday and took the call from the parent- letting me know that their daughter wouldn't be in class because she was being life flighted up to U of M.
I am horrified with my own thoughts back when I was pregnant with Henry of how I thought that was "bad luck." It's sickening to think about now. The love I have for that little man is indescribable. And incomparable. The love I have for him is unique from that of the love I have for Maeve- which isn't any less and isn't any more... just unique- different.
I realize now, labor is the least painful part of having children. What is truly painful is seeing your kids hurt or sick. THAT is pain.
Looking at my two miracles, I want two things for them- and no, its not to be a doctor or a ballerina- its to be healthy and happy. That is ALL I want for them. And that is ALL they (and I) need.
Today, (and everyday since Henry was born) I HONEST TO GOD think to myself, "Does it get better than this?" That is TRULY how good life is right now. I hope that indeed, (although I can't fathom it) we will be blessed with health, happiness and more babies, and yes, it WILL get better than this!
Maeve & Henry- you are my lights. You both are the reason I do everything I do. I wake up with a smile and go to sleep with a smile because you babies are who you are.
Maeve- you aren't quite ballerina material- you don't stand in your place. You don't listen. You cause me to shake my head and say "Dear Lord" about 300000 times a day. But I wouldn't change you for the world. Maybe you're meant to be a sprinter or a wrestler- you're pretty good at that too :)
Henry- you stink. You smell like a boy all day long. No matter how many baths I give you, your head smells like a foot. But its the best smelling foot I've ever smelt :) I love your stinky head and I love your belly laughs. I love how much you enjoy your food and how you look in awe of your big sissy. I love how I can soothe you better than anyone. And I love that you have a wee wee. Thank GOD you have a wee wee :) You're my boy. And I would never, EVER change that for a second.
Life is good- no, its great. And I praise Him for that. I praise Him for that- and for not giving me what I thought I wanted. :)
On February .... 2007, when I read the positive pregnancy test, I thought this was going to be a breeze. I mean everything- I thought the pregnancy would be easy peezy. I thought rearing a child would be even easier. I thought my biggest hurdle would be labor itself. Haha... what I've learned since then!
When I found out how horrible morning sickness was I thought there couldn't possibly be anything worse. And then "morning sickness" became "all-day" sickness. Yes, it got worse. When I made it out of the dreaded first trimester, I thought it would be smooth sailing. That's what I thought.
When I found out at 20 weeks I would be having a girl, I thought "it doesn't get better than this." It does. :)
When I entered my 33rd week of pregnancy, and my heart palpitations started up, I thought "it can't get any worse than this." It does. :)
During my 22 hour labor, in which my first epidural failed and my 2nd was placed too late, I thought "surely, this is the most painful thing I could ever go through." It's not.
When Maeve was born, I thought she was the cutest thing I had ever seen. There was no possible way she could get any cuter. That's what I thought. But she did. :)
When we drove home from the hospital, I thought of all the things I wanted to do with my little girl. Take her to the park, to Disney, to the fairs, to the pool. I thought those would be our funnest, most favorite memories. They're not. :)
Holding Maeve as an infant, I thought of everything I wanted her to be. A ballerina, a gymnast, a doctor. Those are things I thought I wanted for her. Wanted her to be. They're not.
Last March .... 2009, reading THAT positive pregnancy test I thought I was in the middle of a nightmare. I wasn't. :)
For months, I thought "HOW CAN I LOVE THIS BABY LIKE I LOVE MAEVE?" I do. :)
In July, deep in the emergency room, we found out we were going to be parents of a BOY. I thought they were wrong. They weren't. :)
When it was reconfirmed it was a boy, I thought "just my luck...a boy." Little did I know just how lucky I really was.
For the rest of the pregnancy, anytime I found out someone else was having a girl I thought of the little boy growing inside me and wished so hard that he'd come out a "she." Thank God he didn't.
I had many conversations with my good friends and Ryan with how I thought there would be no way I could A.) love another baby as much as I loved Maeve and, B.) love a boy. I did and do both. :)
I thought baby boy clothes were hideous. They aren't. :)
I thought I'd always prefer Maeve to this poor baby. I don't.
At 4:59 PM on November 23rd, when I held Henry in my arms for the first time I thought it wouldn't and couldn't compare to holding Maeve in my arms for the first time. It did. And in ways, surpassed it, because I had such a short labor with Henry. I was much more "with it," which made the experience better.
In the next few days, holding my sweet baby boy, I started tothink of what I wanted him to be. Again, I thought "doctor, lawyer, pilot, pro-soccer player, etc." That's what I thought I wanted for him.
When we brought Henry home, I thought life will never be the same again. And it won't. Thank Jesus for that :)
...So many thoughts of what I THOUGHT I wanted. What I thought I needed. It's funny how what we think we want, is not what we need.
What's the point of this post? (besides using the word "THOUGHT" WAYYYYYY too much?) I need to loosen up my grip and give up control to the One above. This entire time, He has known what I needed. And He continues to know. What prompted me to write this post, is hearing of yet another little one diagnosed with a life threatening condition. I was at the studio yesterday and took the call from the parent- letting me know that their daughter wouldn't be in class because she was being life flighted up to U of M.
I am horrified with my own thoughts back when I was pregnant with Henry of how I thought that was "bad luck." It's sickening to think about now. The love I have for that little man is indescribable. And incomparable. The love I have for him is unique from that of the love I have for Maeve- which isn't any less and isn't any more... just unique- different.
I realize now, labor is the least painful part of having children. What is truly painful is seeing your kids hurt or sick. THAT is pain.
Looking at my two miracles, I want two things for them- and no, its not to be a doctor or a ballerina- its to be healthy and happy. That is ALL I want for them. And that is ALL they (and I) need.
Today, (and everyday since Henry was born) I HONEST TO GOD think to myself, "Does it get better than this?" That is TRULY how good life is right now. I hope that indeed, (although I can't fathom it) we will be blessed with health, happiness and more babies, and yes, it WILL get better than this!
Maeve & Henry- you are my lights. You both are the reason I do everything I do. I wake up with a smile and go to sleep with a smile because you babies are who you are.
Maeve- you aren't quite ballerina material- you don't stand in your place. You don't listen. You cause me to shake my head and say "Dear Lord" about 300000 times a day. But I wouldn't change you for the world. Maybe you're meant to be a sprinter or a wrestler- you're pretty good at that too :)
Henry- you stink. You smell like a boy all day long. No matter how many baths I give you, your head smells like a foot. But its the best smelling foot I've ever smelt :) I love your stinky head and I love your belly laughs. I love how much you enjoy your food and how you look in awe of your big sissy. I love how I can soothe you better than anyone. And I love that you have a wee wee. Thank GOD you have a wee wee :) You're my boy. And I would never, EVER change that for a second.
Life is good- no, its great. And I praise Him for that. I praise Him for that- and for not giving me what I thought I wanted. :)
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Henry's Birth Story... 11/23/2009
Okay- where to start??? I guess Monday morning- I was one of those annoying people that call RIGHT ON THE DOT- 5 AM. (maybe even 4:59). L&D said to come up around 6:15 so we started getting around. Took a shower, did some last minute things around the house, waited for my mom to arrive and somehow ate breakfast (even though my stomach was in a giant knot!). When I was induced with Maeve we waited in registration for about a half hour so this time we thought we should get there a little earlier in order to get up to L&D by 6:15. haha- this time registration was dead! Not a person in there! I got registered and put in a room by 6... a nurse was in right away to hook up the IV and ask all those dumb questions (are you in an abusive situation? Do you have a problem with crack/coccaine?) Around 7 they started the pitocin. I was already having contractions 5-7 minutes apart, so the pitocin definitely added a little kick to them! Dr. P came in around 8 or so and broke my water and assured me I will NOT go home preggo! WAHOO! :) INSTANTLY- I mean the next contraction- after my water was broken, I was in some major pain. My contractions started coming consistently around 3-4 minutes apart. I labored in bed for about 2 hours- thinking "OMG this is going so fast!! I'm going to have this baby before noon!" The nurse came in to check on my progress and told me I had not changed A BIT!!! Even though my contractions were good and strong, I shot up in bed and said "WHAT????" She told me to get up and do some walking...
Ryan and I walked the halls of 4 North :) for about 45 minutes or so. I was in a ton of pain- each contraction I felt like I was going to fall into a pool of jello onto the floor. I could definitely feel a pick up in the intensity and frequency of the contractions. I thought we should head back to the room because I wasn't sure I could stay on my feet much longer- also, the screaming coming from one of the rooms was freaking me out!!!
Back in the room I decided to give the rocking chair a try. THIS is what got me through until I got the epidural. I kind of got into a trance just rocking through my contractions- they still hurt like crazy heck but the rocking seemed to help. The doc came back in around 1 and checked me- 5 cm! YEAH!! I had made enough progress to get an epidural! :) I requested one immediately- for 2 reasons: My first epidural with Maeve didn't work- and if that were to happen again I wanted enough time to be able to get another one. And 2, I remembered that when getting one with Maeve, the anestisiologist didn't actually get to my room for like an hour. This time, luck was on my side though :) The anest. got there within about 30-45 minutes AND the epi worked like a charm. I could've kissed that guy who put a catheter in my back! :) While I was getting the epi I started to get the shakes really bad. The nurse said it was because I was probably transitioning. After the epi was in place and I had some time to relax she checked me again- I was 7-8 cm. She told me that if I started to feel pressure I needed to let her know. NO JOKE- within 5 minutes of her leaving the room, I felt a huge urge to push. I told Ryan to get the nurse. She came back in, checked me, and said "You're ready to go! You have nothing left! Not even a lip of cervix!"
I started pushing around 4:30. It was hard. Really, really hard. Finally around 4:50 I had pushed the baby's head down enough that Dr. P was called in. I have to say- this was probably the worst pain I've ever felt- worse than with Maeve. The Dr. looked while I pushed and then said "Ashley- STOP pushing- do not push." I think I might have sworn. :) But next thing I knew Dr. P was pushing the baby's head back in- um... PAINFUL. I heard him say "nuchal cord x2" and since I watch baby shows religiously I knew that the cord was wrapped around his neck twice, and that's why he had to get the head back in- to unwrap the cord. SOMEHOW, by the grace of GOD I held off on pushing while he untangled the cord. Then I heard a snip and I gave one last huge push and out came Mr. Henry Ryan McKenney! He was born at 4:59 PM.
The doc put him on me right away, but he was blue and not breathing and super limp. I kept asking anyone and everyone if he was okay- a nurse swept in and grabbed him and shouted into the hallway to call pediatrics. I was in a full blown panic. It was probably a minute or so before he even made a whimper. FINALLY, things started to calm down a bit and Henry started making teeny tiny kitten-like noises. It was completely terrifying. Thankfully, everything was fine and I got to hold my bubba beans. He felt so tiny- even though he weighed 8.7 & 20.5 inches long! I couldn't believe it! Woooahhh baby! After getting stitches (UGH yes... another episiotomy- thankfully, the Dr. said this one wasn't as bad as my first one) and a stupid cath. (for some reason I couldn't pee after the birth) we got to move into post-partum.
I can't say enough wonderful and beautiful things about my little man. I am in love like I thought I couldn't be again. I wish I could snuggle him all day long. He is seriously the most amazing baby- he slept through his circumcision, his shots, all the blood pokes. Seriously- nothing phases this kid. And that's a good thing- because he's got one wild sissy to deal with! He's already had his nukies stolen out of his mouth, his arms stretched, his face poked at... he's such an angel. This is totally different for me since Maeve was quite the high maintenance baby!
We're home now- resting, getting to know Henry & spending time with Maeve. My parents offered to keep her for another night and as appealing as that sounded, I felt like she needed to be home. So here we are, all getting acquainted with each other :)
Thanks for all the thoughts & prayers! We're a family of FOUR!!!
Ryan and I walked the halls of 4 North :) for about 45 minutes or so. I was in a ton of pain- each contraction I felt like I was going to fall into a pool of jello onto the floor. I could definitely feel a pick up in the intensity and frequency of the contractions. I thought we should head back to the room because I wasn't sure I could stay on my feet much longer- also, the screaming coming from one of the rooms was freaking me out!!!
Back in the room I decided to give the rocking chair a try. THIS is what got me through until I got the epidural. I kind of got into a trance just rocking through my contractions- they still hurt like crazy heck but the rocking seemed to help. The doc came back in around 1 and checked me- 5 cm! YEAH!! I had made enough progress to get an epidural! :) I requested one immediately- for 2 reasons: My first epidural with Maeve didn't work- and if that were to happen again I wanted enough time to be able to get another one. And 2, I remembered that when getting one with Maeve, the anestisiologist didn't actually get to my room for like an hour. This time, luck was on my side though :) The anest. got there within about 30-45 minutes AND the epi worked like a charm. I could've kissed that guy who put a catheter in my back! :) While I was getting the epi I started to get the shakes really bad. The nurse said it was because I was probably transitioning. After the epi was in place and I had some time to relax she checked me again- I was 7-8 cm. She told me that if I started to feel pressure I needed to let her know. NO JOKE- within 5 minutes of her leaving the room, I felt a huge urge to push. I told Ryan to get the nurse. She came back in, checked me, and said "You're ready to go! You have nothing left! Not even a lip of cervix!"
I started pushing around 4:30. It was hard. Really, really hard. Finally around 4:50 I had pushed the baby's head down enough that Dr. P was called in. I have to say- this was probably the worst pain I've ever felt- worse than with Maeve. The Dr. looked while I pushed and then said "Ashley- STOP pushing- do not push." I think I might have sworn. :) But next thing I knew Dr. P was pushing the baby's head back in- um... PAINFUL. I heard him say "nuchal cord x2" and since I watch baby shows religiously I knew that the cord was wrapped around his neck twice, and that's why he had to get the head back in- to unwrap the cord. SOMEHOW, by the grace of GOD I held off on pushing while he untangled the cord. Then I heard a snip and I gave one last huge push and out came Mr. Henry Ryan McKenney! He was born at 4:59 PM.
The doc put him on me right away, but he was blue and not breathing and super limp. I kept asking anyone and everyone if he was okay- a nurse swept in and grabbed him and shouted into the hallway to call pediatrics. I was in a full blown panic. It was probably a minute or so before he even made a whimper. FINALLY, things started to calm down a bit and Henry started making teeny tiny kitten-like noises. It was completely terrifying. Thankfully, everything was fine and I got to hold my bubba beans. He felt so tiny- even though he weighed 8.7 & 20.5 inches long! I couldn't believe it! Woooahhh baby! After getting stitches (UGH yes... another episiotomy- thankfully, the Dr. said this one wasn't as bad as my first one) and a stupid cath. (for some reason I couldn't pee after the birth) we got to move into post-partum.
I can't say enough wonderful and beautiful things about my little man. I am in love like I thought I couldn't be again. I wish I could snuggle him all day long. He is seriously the most amazing baby- he slept through his circumcision, his shots, all the blood pokes. Seriously- nothing phases this kid. And that's a good thing- because he's got one wild sissy to deal with! He's already had his nukies stolen out of his mouth, his arms stretched, his face poked at... he's such an angel. This is totally different for me since Maeve was quite the high maintenance baby!
We're home now- resting, getting to know Henry & spending time with Maeve. My parents offered to keep her for another night and as appealing as that sounded, I felt like she needed to be home. So here we are, all getting acquainted with each other :)
Thanks for all the thoughts & prayers! We're a family of FOUR!!!
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