What I Thought.

---warning--- before you read this, there are a few "controversial" comments. I really don't want any negative feedback. This is a true, honest post. And I want to be able to say what I feel here. Even if that means admitting embarrassing, shameful things.



On February .... 2007, when I read the positive pregnancy test, I thought this was going to be a breeze. I mean everything- I thought the pregnancy would be easy peezy. I thought rearing a child would be even easier. I thought my biggest hurdle would be labor itself. Haha... what I've learned since then!

When I found out how horrible morning sickness was I thought there couldn't possibly be anything worse. And then "morning sickness" became "all-day" sickness. Yes, it got worse. When I made it out of the dreaded first trimester, I thought it would be smooth sailing. That's what I thought.

When I found out at 20 weeks I would be having a girl, I thought "it doesn't get better than this." It does. :)

When I entered my 33rd week of pregnancy, and my heart palpitations started up, I thought "it can't get any worse than this." It does. :)

During my 22 hour labor, in which my first epidural failed and my 2nd was placed too late, I thought "surely, this is the most painful thing I could ever go through." It's not.

When Maeve was born, I thought she was the cutest thing I had ever seen. There was no possible way she could get any cuter. That's what I thought. But she did. :)

When we drove home from the hospital, I thought of all the things I wanted to do with my little girl. Take her to the park, to Disney, to the fairs, to the pool. I thought those would be our funnest, most favorite memories. They're not. :)

Holding Maeve as an infant, I thought of everything I wanted her to be. A ballerina, a gymnast, a doctor. Those are things I thought I wanted for her. Wanted her to be. They're not.

Last March .... 2009, reading THAT positive pregnancy test I thought I was in the middle of a nightmare. I wasn't. :)

For months, I thought "HOW CAN I LOVE THIS BABY LIKE I LOVE MAEVE?" I do. :)

In July, deep in the emergency room, we found out we were going to be parents of a BOY. I thought they were wrong. They weren't. :)

When it was reconfirmed it was a boy, I thought "just my luck...a boy." Little did I know just how lucky I really was.

For the rest of the pregnancy, anytime I found out someone else was having a girl I thought of the little boy growing inside me and wished so hard that he'd come out a "she." Thank God he didn't.

I had many conversations with my good friends and Ryan with how I thought there would be no way I could A.) love another baby as much as I loved Maeve and, B.) love a boy. I did and do both. :)

I thought baby boy clothes were hideous. They aren't. :)

I thought I'd always prefer Maeve to this poor baby. I don't.

At 4:59 PM on November 23rd, when I held Henry in my arms for the first time I thought it wouldn't and couldn't compare to holding Maeve in my arms for the first time. It did. And in ways, surpassed it, because I had such a short labor with Henry. I was much more "with it," which made the experience better.

In the next few days, holding my sweet baby boy, I started tothink of what I wanted him to be. Again, I thought "doctor, lawyer, pilot, pro-soccer player, etc." That's what I thought I wanted for him.

When we brought Henry home, I thought life will never be the same again. And it won't. Thank Jesus for that :)



...So many thoughts of what I THOUGHT I wanted. What I thought I needed. It's funny how what we think we want, is not what we need.

What's the point of this post? (besides using the word "THOUGHT" WAYYYYYY too much?) I need to loosen up my grip and give up control to the One above. This entire time, He has known what I needed. And He continues to know. What prompted me to write this post, is hearing of yet another little one diagnosed with a life threatening condition. I was at the studio yesterday and took the call from the parent- letting me know that their daughter wouldn't be in class because she was being life flighted up to U of M.

I am horrified with my own thoughts back when I was pregnant with Henry of how I thought that was "bad luck." It's sickening to think about now. The love I have for that little man is indescribable. And incomparable. The love I have for him is unique from that of the love I have for Maeve- which isn't any less and isn't any more... just unique- different.

I realize now, labor is the least painful part of having children. What is truly painful is seeing your kids hurt or sick. THAT is pain.

Looking at my two miracles, I want two things for them- and no, its not to be a doctor or a ballerina- its to be healthy and happy. That is ALL I want for them. And that is ALL they (and I) need.

Today, (and everyday since Henry was born) I HONEST TO GOD think to myself, "Does it get better than this?" That is TRULY how good life is right now. I hope that indeed, (although I can't fathom it) we will be blessed with health, happiness and more babies, and yes, it WILL get better than this!

Maeve & Henry- you are my lights. You both are the reason I do everything I do. I wake up with a smile and go to sleep with a smile because you babies are who you are.

Maeve- you aren't quite ballerina material- you don't stand in your place. You don't listen. You cause me to shake my head and say "Dear Lord" about 300000 times a day. But I wouldn't change you for the world. Maybe you're meant to be a sprinter or a wrestler- you're pretty good at that too :)

Henry- you stink. You smell like a boy all day long. No matter how many baths I give you, your head smells like a foot. But its the best smelling foot I've ever smelt :) I love your stinky head and I love your belly laughs. I love how much you enjoy your food and how you look in awe of your big sissy. I love how I can soothe you better than anyone. And I love that you have a wee wee. Thank GOD you have a wee wee :) You're my boy. And I would never, EVER change that for a second.



Life is good- no, its great. And I praise Him for that. I praise Him for that- and for not giving me what I thought I wanted. :)

My Last Post of 2008

I don't really have anything significant to post about- but I figured I had to do an "official" end of the year post. I thought I would do some McKenney updates, facts, figures and such... and also talk about this past year- learning experiences, humbling moments and fun memories. For once, I am a bit lost for words- if you are a regular reader of mine, you know thats uncommon for me- I can ramble with the best of them! And I'm reminded by my sisters that my posts are often too long for them to read... (ADD anyone?) But as I write this, moments and days are coming into mind that I think are important to include in a "New Years" post. So... this will probably end up being "too long" for Meghan & Emily, but its my blog and well, here it goes:

Last year around this time I was struggling with some pretty intense anxiety. To be completely honest (and I'm banking on the fact that you will all read this judgement-free) I was "lit" on a bunch of anti-anxiety drugs. I've said it before, but my ativan pills are equivalent to 3 beers- I was allotted 4 a day- and I was taking full advantage of their sedating effects. So yup, there was a time- last year probably to the date- that I was "having" 12 beers a day... I am proud, VERY proud to say that I have not taken an Ativan since November 24th, 2008. Just about 6 weeks! Thanks to UMICH docs. for weaning me off of that stuff! I don't feel like a zombie anymore! :)

My weight: If you were to log onto facebook and look back over all the pictures that have been taken over the past year you'd definitely see some major fluctuations in my weight. Between switching anxiety meds. , dieting, NOT dieting, and stress my weight has been at a low of 110 and at a high of 135. Pretty huge fluctuations... its not too fun. But like I said, my wonderful UMICH docs. have me all evened out on anxiety meds. and I've been working out and eating healthily, so I am hoping to finally, FINALLY drop the weight in the correct way. And then of course, as soon as I get to my goal weight up will pop the positive preggo test, right? :)

ER visits: WOW I think its safe to say we are "frequent fliers" at the Foote Hospital (Allegiance) ER. Between Maeve and I, we've made 4 trips there this year. 2 for Maeve, 2 for me. Thankfully, with my anxiety getting under control, our ER trips will be cut down. But Maeve I'm sure is bound to surprise us this year with a few bumps and bruises...yikes.

In September of this year, I was completely humbled- what a rough month. I know we all need to be humbled and to feel our blessings, but September was really a nightmare. A very good friend gave birth to a stillborn baby girl- shock doesn't begin to describe what I felt when I got that phone call. And another "friend"- more of an acquaintance lost her son to a brain tumor. WOW- to say the least, I felt incredibly blessed and to be honest, guilty. Why some people have to experience such trauma and grief is something our Father only knows.

Here is some good news: I have completely and totally embraced motherhood and I feel incredibly confident in my mothering skills! :) I feel like I know my child like I know the back of my hand- I know what she wants, when she wants it. I also know whats best for her. Even if its not what is best for someone else's child, it may be what works for us. And that is totally acceptable to me. :) When I first had Maeve I would've trusted the "bag lady" on the street for parenting advice- I felt like I had given birth to an alien- not a human being :) Even though I had carried her for 10 months, she was foreign to me- I didn't know how to feed her, I didn't know how much to feed her, I didn't know her cries, I didn't know about medication dosages, I didn't know much about anything! And for a really, REALLY long time I trusted lots of other moms with advice- some was well given and much appreciated, other advice, not so much. And don't get me wrong, I still LOVE getting together with moms and talking and sharing info about our kids but I'm not so quick to adapt to someone else's parenting style. Again, I am confident with who I am as a mother. :) What a wonderful thing!

Lets see, Ryan- remember that guy? I hardly ever write about him! Poor guy! :) Honestly, its because we don't see each other- like literally- don't see each other. Between my work schedule and his, we're hardly ever in the house at the same time. And at night, Ryan's usually working on homework out in the kitchen and I'm either sleeping or blogging or doing something else completely thats lazy. But anyways, Ryan is great- he doesn't like his job, which reflects many times in his moods- not to say he's in bad moods all the time, but its sad because he'll come home from work just disappointed in the day. Luckily, he graduates in August and he will be in an entirely new area of work! YEA! We are looking forward to some good health coverage and better paychecks!

Vacations: Yes, we are notorious for taking vacations. What can I say? I would rather sacrifice food, water and shelter if that meant we could take a holiday! :) Thankfully, we don't need to sacrifice THAT much in order to take a few vacays a year. This year, Maeve and I went to Florida three times and once to New England. It was great! Ryan got to join us twice to Florida- Spring Break and our Disney trip in October. Like I've mentioned before, spring break is April 17th for us and we are counting down the days to sunshine and warmth.

Well, it isn't even close to midnight here in Michigan and to be honest, I am pretty sure I'll be knocked out within the next hour. But the new year will still be there to greet me in the morning... no need to ring it in I guess. :) Especially when you've got a baby who likes to wake up at 7.


OH- one quick last note- I am "CLAIMING" names this year- because there is a baby boom going on and I will honestly be devastated if either of these names are used by a good friend- sound selfish? Yeah, kind of but its New Years, I had diet coke for dinner and I'm sleeping next to my stinky boxer- I think I have a right to SOMETHING fun tonight! :) So...... some of you (probably most of you) may think to yourselves "Ashley I wouldn't use those names if I was on drugs and had a gun against my head" but I L-O-V-E them and will honestly be upset if someone "steals" them:) Henry and Shepherd (Shep) are the chosen names (at the moment) for our future, non-existent sons. Who knows if they will still be at the top of the list when the moment comes, and I also feel deep within me that we are destined to have all girls... BUT if we do have a boy, I am claiming those names!!! :)


Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2008 was great for you all and 2009 will be even better! God bless and peace out! :)