What Is It About A Newborn???

Gosh- what a soul searching week this has been for me! Bizarre to say that, but really, I can't remember the last time I have done so much thinking, crying and reminiscing.

If you haven't heard (and if you haven't you must have boycotted facebook for the week or something :) I got the UNBELIEVABLE privilege and honor of being present at and photographing my dear friend Angie's birth. My fingers are hesitating to type because I'm unable to come up with even a smidgen of a word to describe the birth accurately. I mean, I'm sure to the doctor and the nurses, it was your run of the mill birth; the labor went smoothly (besides a severe drop in blood pressure on Angie's part which was pretty frightening!) and I'm sure when her nurses and Dr.P went home they didn't think twice about the birth of Layla Susanna Marie. I, however, can't get it out of my head. Nor can I stop thinking about the births of my own kids.

Angie happened to be put in the SAME room I had Henry in- 414. As soon as I walked in, I was flooded with memories and started to cry... is this normal?!?!?! Anyways, it was a long day... I'm sure a LOT longer for Angie! She did get an epidural but that's when her BP dropped... she only pushed for a few minutes though and Layla made her way into this world. I won't give out all the details, as that's Angie's place to do so. But OMG. Incredible. Awesome. Out of this world. THERE IS A GOD, a GREAT GOD. Insane. All these words/phrases ran through my head during the birth of Layla.

Now, my job, I thought- would be to capture the details of the birth- things that you can't capture if you're either A.) in labor or B.) a spouse who doesn't even know how to work a point and shoot camera :)- and that's not a slam to Sam at all- Ryan (and I'm sure many other hubbies) has major problems with cutting off heads and getting us ALL in the pic... I got to the hospital around 11 or so, and started shooting away. Like I said, we were in the room where H was born, so I was already very teary eyed while photographing the baby warmer, the baby shampoo, little stethoscope that would soon be used, etc. Back to what I thought my job would entail- I really didn't think Angie would want me in the room while pushing- I mean, anyone who's given birth knows what an intense time that is- and I thought the last thing she'd want is me snapping away in her face. As time wore on though, she got to be a little more out of it- I remembered that feeling so well. That feeling of losing all inhibitions- because the only thing that mattered was getting that BABY OUT! :) She ended up asking me to stay in- and I was scared out of my mind.

I took a break from the intensity of the room (right around when her BP dropped) and called Les. I told her I was going to pass out- there was no way I could do this! I thought I'd just be photographing the baby POST birth- not like actively coming out. Again, what great friends I have- Les gave me a fab pep talk (reminding me over and over again to make sure I'm upfront with the nurses if I start to feel dizzy or lightheaded!) and Jess even offered to come up and sit with me. I was REALLY excited for that- because Jess is a GREAT photographer and I was a hot second away from sending HER into the room with the camera! :) However, baby Layla had different plans- she decided to arrive completely out of the blue- and FAST.

Angie went from sleeping/comfortable to "THE BABY IS COMING NOW." I took my place behind her head and I felt a calm come over me. I was very comfortable with my spot. I couldn't see anything more than her thighs/butt area. And of course her face :) I snapped a lot of pics of her face- and although SHE thinks they're ugly- I think they're gorgeous. Yeah- she is making pushing faces... straining faces, pained faces- but these faces represent LABOR. And LABOR is truly a beautiful, miraculous thing. As far as my "photography" goes (I say "photography" because we all know I am not a REAL photographer- just a complete amateur who is very passionate about life.) I definitely learned a lesson in birth photography- it's very hard to capture super quick moments CLEARLY when you're bawling your eyeballs out! (and shaking) :)...

All in all, it was an experience I'll never forget. Next to my kids births, it was the most incredible thing I've ever seen. I think that it should be on everyone's bucket list- to see a birth.

The birth left me incredibly tired. I came home and zonked out. Thank goodness Ryan was there- because when I woke up it was 9:30 PM and both kids had been bathed, fed and put to bed. I asked Ryan to bring Henry in... because I really wanted to snuggle with MY baby. He warned me that he'd wake up and once he was up, it would be my job to get him back to sleep. I took the gamble. :) He slept with me for about a half hour and then started stirring. I realized, as little as Henry had looked Thursday morning before I had left for the hospital, he was no longer a peacefully, obliviously sleeping baby. He wakes to the sound of the tv... to the movement of me next to him. He has totally outgrown the newborn-sleep-through anything stage. How depressing.

I spent the next hour getting him back to bed (Ryan was laughing... because he "told me so.") Anyways, while feeding him his 3rd bottle in an hour time period, I couldn't help but to think how quickly time goes. HOW cliche- I KNOW I KNOW. My parents used to tell me all the time "enjoy it now, because before you know it..." I used to think that was something "old" people said :) SADLY, its too true. Life with children is unfairly fast. And there's no slowing it down. I can't halt their growth... I can't keep them in diapers forever (like I'd really want to!), I can't expect them to always want to cuddle with me. I know they're growing. And that's a good thing- I wouldn't want them to not grow. I just wish it wouldn't go so fast. Or rather, I wish I could savor every second... instead of spending my time stressing over the house, their clothing, food for the day/week, money, bills, plans... you get the picture.

I told Ryan the number of children I want has now bumped up to 6. HAHA. You should have seen his face. Funny though, because we both come from large families... I didn't think it would be such a shock to him that yes, indeed, I want a large family. As the weekend wore on, I told him- "no seriously- I want a big family." And he told me, "Seriously- I do too." :) Will we REALLY have six children? Probably not... I am a firm believer in not depriving your already existing children of opportunities in order to add more to the clan. But you never know where we'll be in 2,3,4,5,6, etc. years. We'd like to think we'd be in a position to have a large family... but really, only God knows :) My mom told me she would have had 6, maybe MORE kids if they wouldn't have had to take her uterus! I have a feeling I might be following in her footsteps. I can't even come close to pretending to be one of those moms that doesn't love to have a baby around... :)

ohhhhhhh so what is it about newborns??? Really??? :)

Productivity........ Stars For ME!

SUCH a good thing! It is 2:18 P.M. as I am starting to write this post... Maeve has been sleeping since one- and let me list out the things I have accomplished today... (yeah its a bit of bragging but just go with me here)

-Got Maeve out the door by 8:30 (a challenge on its own... again, those of you with multiple kids, don't know how you do it!)

-Got Maeve checked into "daycare" at the "Y" by 8:50-ish or so...

-walked 2.5 miles around the track by 9:30

-took a Pilates class from 9:40-10:40 (and BTW that mermaid/swimming junk is HARD- but I'm gonna def. keep up with it! I can already feel my core tightening!!!)

-occupied Maeve with one hand while pureeing ALL my veggies/fruits needed for this weeks "deceptive" dinners
(on the menu- beet pancakes w/ flax seed **AKA "Pink Pancakes"**, "Aloha Kabobs" (pineapple & sweet potato purees are used in this one- its basically chicken fingers rolled around in pineapple, sweet potato and egg whites then "fried" in bread crumbs), Mac & Cheese- that's tonight (Squash puree) and I made a tray of brownies with that iron packed spinach and carrots!)

-actually whipped up the mac & cheese (its ALL done, saran-wrapped in the fridge, ready to go- I swear, there is nothing better than that feeling of dinner being done and accounted for so early in the day :)

-matched a GIANT basket of socks together... I had been putting that off for weeks- they were Maeve's socks and they're sooooo tiny it takes about 20 hours to do... (actually it took about 30 minutes :)

Anyways what did I tell ya, PRODUCTIVITY, huh? Ryan will be so proud :) The one downfall to all of this is the kitchen looks like a hurricane hit it. But I'm afraid if I am banging around in there while Maeve is napping, she'll wake up... SO that will have to be taken care of later. Oh, and there was a tiny mishap with the pureeing of the spinach- the top flew off of the blender and we now have spinach on the ceiling and cabinets... blah. I'm sure I'll get around to scrubbing that off in a few months :)


*** Something else I wanted to share with you all that has nothing to do with my awesomeness (HA I am JUST KIDDING) is that I have been taking MaeMae to the "Y" with me now for a few weeks- AND putting her in daycare- its not that I am anti-daycare or anything, but all of you know me well for the most part and know I am a CONTROL FREEEAK! Meaning, I want to know what my kid is doing at all times, what she's eating, who she's around, etc. So the thought of relinquishing all control to two total strangers was to say the least, VERY difficult. But it turns out that it has been an amazing thing- for both Maeve AND I. Maeve loooooves her hour at the "Y"- she climbs through their Jungle Gym, watches movies and socializes with the other kiddos. And I of course, relish my "adult" time, either walking on the track listening to Bob Marley or taking a class of some sort. The thing that gets me, is that we go to church on a weekly basis, and on a weekly basis- like clockwork, we are called to the nursery to pick up our screaming child. But not ONCE- not one single moment in the handful of times that Maeve's gone to the "Y" nursery have I been called out or has she screamed/cried. It is sooooooo strange. In fact, every time I pick her up, I enter the room with this wince on my face and meekly ask "How did she do?" TOTALLY expecting to hear that she was crying/screaming/hitting/stealing toys, etc. but each and every time the lady tells me she was great! And that she has a definite love for babies :) It is really the sweetest thing- the "Y" has about 3-4 (depending on the day) infants/newborns all lined up in their carriers either sleeping or cooing, and Maeve will go to each baby and lean down, put her head on the baby's feet/legs and say "Awwwwwww BABY." It is, to say the least, downright adorable. And yes, gives me baby fever that much more. I came home today in fact and told Ryan about Maeve's love for babies- not baby DOLLS, but REAL live babies! We both agreed Maeve needs a sibling :) When that will be? Only time will tell... but stay tuned!

And for any of you mommas out there interested in getting yo-self in shape, the "Y" is running a special right now if you go in with a buddy- I'm not exactly sure what that special is, but I remember hearing about it on the radio and thinking "Wow, that's a really good deal!" And like I said, the nursery is great! So no excuses!!!! :)

Dreeeaaam, Dream, Dream, Dreeeeeeam, Dreeeeaaam

Oh my goodness- thats what I've been doing a LOT of right now- dreaming :) I know I blog about this probably twice a week, but I have baby fever up the wazoo. I think it may be the holidays... but we are having such an absolute blast with Maeve and I can't keep the thought of having another one out of my head. Today we went to the Toy House to put some more moolah down on our layaway, but we also let Maeve run like a mad woman through the place. Well this was my first time going to the Toy House with Ryan, so I could say "Hey Ryan can you watch her? I'm gonna look over here for a sec." BAD IDEA. Where did I end up wandering? The BABY ROOM. All you "Jackson-ers" know what I'm talking about- its this sweeter than sweet giant room filled with cribs, strollers, car seats, swings, baby blankets, teeny tiny outfits, etc. Oh MY WORD. I spent about 30 minutes in there... I have now found the exact carseat/stroller combo I want for this new non-existent baby, the bedding (of course I picked out a set for a boy and a set for a girl) and everything in between. Sometimes I feel really guilty for wanting and craving another baby so badly- I mean, I have my beautiful, light of my life bugger, Maeve! Why do I feel the need for anything else? Its funny though, of course I want another one for the basic reasons of just loving being a momma and wanting a big family, etc. But a giant part of me wants another one FOR Maeve. I think she will make a fabulous older sister and it makes my heart feel 10 times bigger just THINKING about Maeve with a little bro or sis.

Of course meandering through the baby room got me thinking in depth about having a baby. So as soon as we got in the car, Ryan and I started talking about it. We are sticking to our original plan, basically because we really do want the kiddos to be 2 1/2-3 years apart. But we also talked about some names, and how we'd buy Maeve a princess toddler bed and use her crib for the baby... we also agreed that we are going to be super mean to you all- WE are going to find out the sex of the baby, but keep you all (and family & other friends of course) in the dark about it... thats so cruel isn't it???? But we figured it would add a big element of surprise and fun into the whole birthing process. :) Wow it sounds like I am preggo doesn't it? Like we're really expecting another huh? Well we're for sure not. I am just really anticipating it... if you can't tell :)

Anyways, Maeve is napping... and Ryan is dragging up box after box of Christmas decorations. So we're going to try and cram all of our decorating into maeve's 2 hour nap... we'll see how it goes.

I'm sure there will be pics to post tonight after we do up our house!!! :)

Because I'm Bored...

and my hubby and babes are sleeping, I thought I would kill some time by doing one of my favorite things: Searching for baby names! I am addicted to baby names! I always have been- since I was a kid- I remember naming dolls and in high school, I had this whole little family made up in my head. Now that having babies have become a reality, baby naming is that much more appealing to me! It drives Ryan crazy- I'm like "Hey do you like "this name?" And he'll say "yeah thats nice. But why don't we wait till we are actually pregnant?" Haha boys just don't get it! :)

So here is my name list that I've come up with today:
Boys: Henry, Simon, Christian, Collin
Girls: Stella, Finley, Callie

How does that sound for a family?
Maeve, Henry, Stella and Finley McKenney
I think it has a nice ring to it :)

I have a serious problem with boy names- there are very few I like- and it seems like the ones I do like are already taken :( I am determined to give my kiddos a one of a kind name! Maeve... haha have you ever met another Maeve? :) Its funny because older people LOVE the name Maeve, but a lot of younger people who ask what her name is say "Oh thats interesting!" It used to offend me, but now she's my little MaeMae and I say back to people, "well it fits! Because she IS interesting, and wonderful!" :) I love names from movies- like "Henry" is from 50 first Dates.
And just recently in FL, we were at some Monsters Inc. thing at Disney and I kind of started liking the name Sullivan- well "Sully" thats what what we would call him. I can just picture Maeve running around saying "Sully!! Over here!" Oh and thats another thing- I feel so strongly that we're going to have a girl again, and again! For some reason I see us with 3 girls- and really wanting a boy (but of course loving our girls!!!) Oh I also love G names- Griffin (Jules I really might steal that one from you- bc I LOVE IT!), Gabe, Garret (except I am terrified people would call him GARY- EEECK). I also really enjoy old names- I would totally name my baby girl Francis (and forbid anyone to call her franny!) if Ryan would let me!!! I think its so cute when babies have these old sounding names! Who knows what the next lil' McKenney will be named...

Sorry for the randomness of this post, but like I said, I was bored and decided to take you in my daydream with me :)

I've Got The Fever!!!

BABY FEVER!!!!!!!! I am loving Maeve and enjoying her so much and I have nagging feeling that she needs a sibling! As of now, if we were to be preggo next month, they would be exactly 2 years apart. I wanted my babies to be 2-2.5 years apart. I can pretty much guarantee you that I will not be preggo next month, or the month after that, or the month after that. You see, there is so much that needs to happen in order for us to bring another little one into our home. SO for now, I am just waiting... :( But I know it will happen when God wants it to happen, and that makes me feel better.

Its amazing to watch Maeve grow and change, but it is incredibly depressing as well. I was so excited for her to sit, to stand, to walk, to run! Now I'd love to have her swaddled up in a "under 7 lbs." bundler. :( I MISS having a baby!

Right after I had Maeve I knew I wanted to do this whole pregnancy bit, again and again and again. But I also thought "Yeah in 5 years I'll be ready to do this again!" My post partum healing was SO horrific. I won't go into details, but simply put, I DIDN'T heal, not how I was supposed to anyways. I had fevers from infections and went to the ER 4 times for anxiety attacks. GOSH do I really wanna do that all over again??? YES, I do. Because the love I have for Maeve completely shuts out any fear or apprehension that I have about pregnancy and birth. I am trusting that God will bless us with another wonderfully, fun, beautiful healthy baby. I know He will- He is the great deliverer!!! (haha no pun intended!)

Ughhh and I'm so bored tonight. Maeve went to sleep an hour ago, and I'm waiting for Ryan to get home from class. He will come bearing great gifts- MC DONALDS! Ha!
On that note, I noticed something horrible today- I was in Target and I had forgotten my handy dandy coupon organizer (yup I really carry one of those things around!) in the car. SO I had Maeve in the cart and I started to run through the parking lot- and a horrible thing was happening- my butt was actually JIGGLING. LIKE REALLY JIGGLING. It felt like I had some jello in my undies. It was horrible! And THEN I realized that was the first time I had actually RUN since Maeve's birth! I have walked many, many times, but I hadn't run- ever! So YEAH, its a good thing I'm eating McDonalds tonight right???? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate dieting but it looks like I gotta start AGAIN. But not tonight... and not tomorrow (you can't ever start a diet on a weekend).

Baby On The Brain :/

Huuumph.... I SO have been bitten by the baby bug lately... I've been trying to cuddle with Maeve and she's just not that into it anymore and it KILLS me. She is so independent, totally content with wandering around the house getting into stuff. She actually "yells" at me if I pull her away from something and say "NO." Its like she's annoyed with me or something! Ahhh.... what am I going to do the first time she says "I hate you mom." The other night on the 4th of July, I tried sticking her in my peanut shell sling that she LOVED as a baby. It worked out for a few minutes, but she was too wiggly and wanted out. In the "beginning" (like back in October/November) when I was just learning how to nurse her, I would sit in the shower or bath with her and it was the ultimate bonding time... it was just her and I... she would look up at me and I just KNEW she loved me soooo much :) I know she loves me now.... especially when she is upset with something- then the first thing out of her mouth is "MAMAMAMAMA!!!!" And it does feel great to be wanted/needed. But I miss my BABY!!!!! I want to rewind time and go back to when she was an infant... that tiny little 6 pounder we brought home from the hospital... I love all the new things shes doing but I most def. wish I could push rewind on her life.
It seems like everywhere I look someones preggo... and its making me miss having that life inside of me... and the whole birth experience- as awful as it is, its also beautiful and the most incredible high. I want all that again... :( But we really are going to wait awhile to have another one... partly because Maeve is very high maitenince and partly because physically and mentally, I need to heal still. (if you can even believe that- its crazy what pregnancy and birth does to your body and mind!!!!!)
So for now I will try and soak in every second with Maeve and look forward to being pregnant again. All you preggos out there- enjoy every day of having that baby in you!!!! I promise you'll miss it!!!!!!!!


P.S. I am trying with every bone in my body to not go and get Maeve out of her crib- I miss her sleeping next to me :(