life can be so brutal sometimes.
not to me... but its hard to process what's going on around me. People I love so dearly. GOOD people that deserve so much more than what they're getting out of this life.
i feel like an octopus- with tons of arms- reaching as far and as hard as I can to as many people as I can... but I'm always one arm or two, or three short.
Perhaps this post would be better left unpublished... but then again, maybe not.
I blog to jot down life's happenings, to remember details of this very day, to get the energy out of my fingers and into this BOX called a computer.
I think sometimes it gets me into trouble... all my typing.
As much as I'd like to I can't heal anything or anyone. I can't. I can put bandaids on. But I can't heal. I can say "It's going to be alright." but I can't guarantee that.
I had a conversation last night about my anxiety. What propels and feeds my anxiety- if you didn't already know, its control. Or lack of I guess.
I am constantly afraid of dropping the plates. I am that person, wiggling 15 plates in the air, running back and forth to each one, making sure that they're spinning correctly and aren't in danger of falling.
I am afraid... no- terrified of losing control.
If I could, I'd take the reigns on this thing called life, and direct it exactly the way I want and think it should go. I'm not the kind of person who likes surprises, trials, challenges or rough terrain. I have (and will) always opt for smooth sailing. A straight course, with a sunny destination.+
Unfortunately, I don't have the reigns. And sometimes (like tonight) I feel like I don't even have the voice to say "WOAH!" (or whatever they say to horses... yeah, just keep digging with me..:)
Everything is alright. PLEASE no messages asking if I'm okay- I am... this isn't about me... I'm just tired. REALLY, really tired. Tired of the relentless control that anxiety has over me. The inability to let go. Let go of people, places, things, thoughts, feelings, conversations. It's like if I divert my thoughts about something, stop focusing for a second, I will lose control. The funny thing is, I don't have any control. Stupid irony of it, is that this is all controlling me.
I'm sure I've lost you all by now.
But if I haven't... say some prayers for those people out there who are on the wrong path. Rough terrain, choppy water, whatever you want to call it-because they're hurting. And we can't fix it. I can't, you can't. A million, trillion dollars can't.
But He can. so pray.
I love you(s)... and (you(s) know who (you(s) are :).