confessions of a (really) grouchy mom.

I feel like one of those wind up toys, and I am slowly but surely, winding down. 

My body is growing- I have the preggo waddle going on, it takes me a couple of tries to get off the floor after reading books with Maeve, and carrying the kids is KILLING my back.  And I'm only 25 weeks... eek!

Do you ever feel like there isn't enough sleep in the world to get you going?  That's how I feel...  Each night is filled with the hope that I'll get a great night's sleep and wake up feeling like a million bucks.  I wake, hoping today will be the day I whisk my kids off to the grocery store, they'll learn about all the different fruits and veggies.  And then we'll come home and Maeve will help me bake some bread, while Henry plays happily on the kitchen floor with the pots and pans.  And then we'll have a story, in which both kids will sit in front of me, watching, sitting and listening- without wrestling each other .  And before Ryan gets home we'll have completed an art project... oh and I'll have dinner ready and the entire house sparking clean.  It's just not happening.

I have totally been the grouchy, slacker mom. 

Today, we did make it to the grocery store- but that's where the list ends.  The house is a pit, we had a rotisserie chicken for dinner, and instead of reading stories and doing crafts I laid on the couch.

I'm blaming my lack of progress on the trip to Meijers.  Really, that had to be the event that threw everything off.

Today, I had that kid.  The kid (or mom, rather) that everyone stares at because clearly, the mother has no control over the child.  The kid that runs and hides in all the aisles, just to see her mother get worked up.  The kid that pokes holes in the tomatoes (so sorry Meijers).  The kid that pulls a full out- on the floor, kicking and screaming tantrum. 

The story goes, that Maeve wanted to ride the pony.  But, as I told her, "kids that don't listen to their mommies and poke holes in tomatoes and throw their brothers trains don't get to ride Sandy.  She had already made her way to the horse, meaning- I had to pull her off Sandy the horse (the mechanical horse). I picked her up and gave her the ultimate silent treatment.  (Keep in mind its beginning to be a little difficult to carry a 30 lb. screaming kid and balancing this giant stomach).  She screamed like I was abducting her the entire way out to the car.  I took a little walk to return the cart- the cart wrangler thing was across the row, and I could clearly hear her screaming from there.  I was waiting for a police car to pull up and ask for proof that she was mine. 

The entire way home I stayed quiet, and Maeve asked (about every 2 seconds) "Are you mad at me mama?"  I wanted to say, "Why yes, Maeve, Mama is mad.  I was mad when you ran away from me 40 billion times in the store.  I was mad when you ruined the tomatoes.  I was mad when you took Henry's trains and threw them out of the cart.  I was mad when you threw a fit because I wouldn't buy chocolate milk, and I am really mad that you are acting like its the end of the world because you didn't ride on Sandy."  Instead, I drove to starbucks, got a drink (decaf! ;) and stayed quiet.   Keep calm and carry on... keep calm and carry on.

When we got home I felt better, but I still can't get this horrible feeling that I am way, WAY out numbered here.  Or rather, I'm going to be WAY, way outnumbered.

More like the thought, "What in the heck am I doing????  I am exhausted trying to wrangle the two kids I have!  I can't keep my house cleaned, I have no energy to cook this nice dinner, and I certainly don't have the patience to whip out the finger paints."

Am I making sense?  Probably not.  But stick with me.
When I was pregnant with Maeve, I spent my pregnancy worrying about birth defects, dying during childbirth, toxoplasmosis, ya know- crazy stuff.  With Henry, I spent the pregnancy worrying about whether or not I could love another child with the same love I have for Maeve.  This time around, I'm not too concerned with toxoplasmosis and I certainly know the amazing feeling of love I will have for this baby, so now my worry is this.  "This" being, can I handle 3 kids???  Can I be a good mom to three kids?  Can I give Maeve and Henry everything that I can give them now, but with another baby in tow?

I am beyond excited for this baby to join our family.  I cannot wait to see her and meet her and show her to Maeve and Henry.  My fear is that I am spreading myself thin.  Will I be able to be an awesome mom to 3 kids?  I can do it with two (not saying I'm awesome by any means- but I'm meeting my set standards at least- ya know, clean, bathed kids who eat 3 meals a day and are happy and healthy).  Can I do that with 3?  I sure hope so!

Sorry to beat a dead horse... I know I've blogged about this before.  Be prepared though, I am sure I will blog about it again, and again. 

Goodnight readers!  And here's to hoping tomorrow is tantrum/Sandy/tomato-poking free :)









Oh... and this is a photo entry into The Trendy Treehouse's "Strength" photo challenge.
I chose this photo because the bond that Ryan shares with Henry (well, both the kids) is so strong.  He's the most amazing dad- my kids are seriously lucky :)

there's nooooo denying.

The odds are stacked against me.

It's 9:30 here... the kids are finally asleep.

It's been a long day.

Both kids ran low grade fevers last night... 99 under their armpit, I noted it, but didn't jump on it.

This morning, I noticed Maeve had this chesty sounding cough. She's notorious for harboring pneumonia, so I called the doc. Maeve had an appointment for 1:00.

Then Henry started acting funny. He threw his food off his tray, was shaking his head around and well, just plain GROUCHY.

I called back, and asked to add on a kid. Luckily, they obliged and both kids were seen.

I honestly thought they'd say "Oh give them a few more days off the antibiotics and they should be feeling better." Instead, it was like a "Ground Hog Day" or something.

Both had their ears checked and throats swabbed.

BOTH have ear infections and strep...AGAIN... yeah.

Didn't we just do this last week???

BOTH are on the same antibiotic- (forgot the name)- but its a "more aggressive" antibiotic, aka "the kids are going to get bad diarrhea and diaper rash."

I am praying for the best. Preparing for the worst.

I've got their antibiotics, claritin, tylenol, motrin, and Bordeauxs Butt Cream.

I have FLORIDA on my mind.

I am picturing stepping off the plane and seeing my mom and dad :)

I can do this. I can do this.

Right??? :)



PS- this blog post counts as my "NoBloPoMo" for tomorrow.... ;)

moved by miss swift.

"Never Grow Up"

 Lyrics by Taylor Swift.... and after you read them, click here to listen to the beautiful song... cry with me... our babies grow too fast.


"Your little hands wrapped around my finger..."

"And, it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming "

"So, I took you in

                                                                     Turn on your favorite night light"

                                                  "To you, everything's funny
                                                                  You got nothing to regret"

                                               
"I'd give all I had, honey
If you could stay like that"
 

                            "Oh, darling don't you ever grow up"
                                                                      

 

 "Don't you ever grow up"

"Just stay this little
Oh, darling don't you ever grow up..."

                                               "Just try to never grow up, and never grow up."

                                 I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
                                                         And no one will desert you

                                                              "Don't you ever grow up
                                                                It can stay this simple."

Ew.

Y'all know my insomnia...

My insomnia often leads to youtube searches. Youtube searches usually lead to anxiety provoking videos. The anxiety provoking videos lead to my insomnia. Vicious cycle!

Anyways, last night I was up until 2 or so? ((YUCK)) and came across this video. I'm not a fan of Pam Anderson... at all (Yuck to her as well). But I will never, EVER eat chicken from KFC again... EVER. I am sure I am late on this video... meaning- I'm sure you've seen it and have all been boycotting KFC for years because of it... whoops... not me.

From now on, all my chicken eating is coming from Laura McCully's farm! :) I've seen the chickens out there- they're treated well- everything is clean- no broken bones, no slicing their beaks off... just happy, healthy chickens :)

I have never really been a meat fan. I am practically a vegetarian- NOT a vegan- but a vegetarian. I hardly ever eat meat. I DO like BBQ chicken... and I will eat chili- or spaghetti with ground turkey. But (this may blow your mind) I have never, EVER had a steak. EVER. Crazy??? I just don't like the taste of meat.

If I didn't have such a meat hungry husband, I'd probably become a vegetarian. But honestly, Ryan might become a cannibal if I deprived him of meat. That would be no good for any of us... ;)

Anywho, what a great post for a Monday morning right??? :)

Have a good week readers!

through the wash.

That's the best way to describe my mood/emotions right now?!? Like I've gone through the wash/spin/dry cycle? Make sense? Probably not... but I'll try and explain.

For two days, Henry has been acting "different." Here's a rundown of his symptoms:
-restlessness
-inconsolable
-not napping/not sleeping unless held upright or in carseat
-vomited twice (NOT spit up- but stinky PUKE)
-not drinking as much as usual


I was thinking it was teething. Call me a bad mom- whatever. I didn't think it was anything serious- just a mixture of teething & a bug. He had NO fever. While he was upright (sitting, playing) he was happy as a clam. I remember my wonderful pedi- Dr. Williams, saying to me once, "You know what a baby/child is really sick, when they don't play." Henry was playing fine- eating his solids- just not wanting his bottle, and not sleeping.

Last night, after 2 hours of screaming (and Ryan & I taking turns going in and out walking him around the room, sitting on the couch, etc.) I pulled on some sweats and said "I'm taking him to medplus. I think he has an ear infection." To be completely honest with you- I was beat (am beat) and I really didn't want to spend another night bouncing around the house, trying to console him. H was in his pjs- I thought this was going to be a quick in and out visit. I didn't even bother packing an extra diaper. Good GOD was I wrong.

We got to Medplus (on Lawrence Ave) around 9:45 (just Henry and I- Ryan stayed home with Maeve). I checked him in, paid our ridiculous 45 dollar copay and waited for a few minutes. We were the only ones there and I was thinking "just check his ears out, write us a script and get me to bed."

The doctor (the actual DOCTOR- not a nurse) called us back. He took his temp (97 something- fine) weighed him (told me he weighed 28.5 lbs) and gave him a quick exam. First red light that went off was that he weighed 28 lbs. I remember saying something like "What?? My 2 year old weighs 30 lbs." and the doc made some smart comment like "He must be a big eater..." ya know, something like that. I kind of just forgot about it, let it go.

The doc listened to his belly. 2nd red flag- he told me he couldn't hear any bowel sounds. Ummm... okay. His first "diagnosis" was that he had a bowel blockage. I had no clue what it meant- it didn't sound good, but didn't sound horrible. I was thinking, "okay... we can do this... now what?"

The "doc" (I will now refer to him as the "doc" because honestly I think he's a quack) ordered an xray to check for bowel blockages. We went in the xray room, and as I was holding my very cranky, 8 month old baby down for what seemed like FOREVER, Henry started to arch his back and crane his neck. I wasn't thinking a thing... well the quack came over and started jerking Henry's head all around. (cue tears from H & myself).

I kid you not- he moved his head a few times and said "I'm sending you to alliegence- we need to rule out meningitis." WHAT!?!?!!? I think my stomach and head dropped to my feet... I really don't remember the next few things that happened. I know I signed a paper- releasing him from medplus- I remember the quack calling the ER doc and letting them know I was coming with a "meningitis baby" (that's what he said). I remember shaking, while holding Henry- and the receptionist lady grabbing Henry so I could call Ryan and let him know what was going on. Midway during my phone conversation the quack said "Tell your husband you're probably going to end up at Motts." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!

Now Ryan's crying on the phone- in pure panic- I'm sobbing- Henry's crying... what a frickin mess. I got off the phone with Ryan, grabbed Henry and started to make a beeline for the door- the quack stopped me, made sure I was okay to drive... I remember I kept saying "I just want to go- if he has meningitis I want to go now."
The quack then proceeded to tell me that the kind of meningitis he things Henry has is not fatal. I remember saying "Please don't say 'fatal' to me- and I really want to go now please." The quack kept "reassuring" me that the docs were waiting for Henry, and that right away they'd give him a catscan to check on the membranes around his brain, a spinal tap and blood work. (out of body experience- and swear words- that's all I remember at this point)

On the drive to the hospital I was tingly. I called Ryan and told him everything- he was on his way... I had totally forgotten to tell him to bring my klonopin. DANG!

I got to the hospital, ran inside with Henry and true to what the quack had said, there was a triage set up, waiting for us. Henry was categorized as a "4" (meaning most serious). We waited for a few minutes... I got a very nice visit from a friend/nurse (Chelsea- thanks so much for calming me down!:)

Back in the room, they hooked him up to the O2/heart stuff and we settled in. The doctor (Dr. Humphrey?) came in- and right off the bat, I had a good feeling. Now THIS doctor was fab. WONDERFUL. He came in, took one look at Henry and said "This is not a baby who has meningitis."

I remember breathing- like conciously taking a breath- or letting a breath out. He said we'd monitor him and keep an eye on him but not do anything aggressive (like the spinal or bloodwork) unless Henry spiked a fever. After a few hours, the doc came back and talked with us about doing a spinal. Ryan and I both said flat out- NO- that we'd either wait until the morning to see Dr. Williams or get a 2nd opinion. And the doc agreed completely. He felt comfortable discharging us as long as we kept an eye on Henry (like we don't:) and got him into Dr. Williams first thing in the morning.

We got home at (???? Lord knows what time????) and we all crashed. Morning came way too soon. But hearing Henry cry was a good thing :)

I called Jackson Peds. and they got us in right away. They weighed him, and lo & behold... Henry weighs 18 lbs. 5 oz. Medplus had him off by TEN POUNDS. TEN POUNDS!?!?!?! What in the world???? I was ticked.

I don't know if you (my readers) know the details of my cousin (Sean's) death or not- but basically he was given too much medication- they failed to weigh him correctly and he was overdosed with chemo. NOW- Henry was given NO medication- THANK THE LORD- but of course, I couldn't help but to have my mind drift back to the "what ifs." All I can say, is praise Jesus he wasn't given any meds based on his weight (besides motrin- which was fine...) But ummm... yeah, that's a stupid mistake that should not be made. Unacceptable.

Dr. Williams was ticked (to put it mildly). She took the name of the doctor at Medplus and her and Dr. Tim apologized for what had happened. I reassured them it was not their fault by any means- all that matters is that H is okay.

Now... Mr.Man DOES have something going on- we did a strep culture which came back negative- but Dr.Williams saw some red spots in his throat- leading her to think he's got "Hand/foot/mouth disease" ummm YUCK! But apparently, its very common, very contagious, very harmless.

The plan is to watch H. Make sure he doesn't spike a fever. Keep an eye on his neck movements and make sure he's taking in enough fluids.

What a vast change from last night.

Last night, I was told we'd be up at Mott's, watching Henry get a spinal. That he'd be hospitilazed for meningitis.

Today, we have a (semi) healthy (minus the FHM disease thing) boy, sleeping in his own crib. Playing with his sissy, grabbing my hair and drooling over everything.

So in the end... yeah I'm upset about the weight thing... about the meningitis crap... but really, all that matters is this:





I went through the wash and spin cycle. I am now drying out... thanks for the thoughts & prayers friends!

Prayers.

I've been kind of blogstalking through a friend's (Alissa) blog and have been reading about a little girl fighting that ugly disease called cancer. Her name is Maggie and I've been following her story for a year or so now. She's been stable but within the past week took a major turn for the worse. I don't know Maggie. I don't know her parents. I do know we have a God who heals. And that's exactly what she needs so, so desperately right now. So please say a prayer for Maggie and her parents. I can't fathom the nightmare they're living in. You can find her blog by either clicking on the link in this post (Maggie) or by clicking on Alissa's name and linking off of her blog to "Maggies Journey To Healing."

Thanks blogreaders :)

The Heart Of The Matter.

Oh where to start? How about... July of 2007. I was very- and I mean VERY pregnant with Maeve. I had been having an easy, breezy pregnancy (minus the horrific morning sickness) when all of a sudden I was HIT by some crazy heart palpitations. EVERYONE has had a heart palp or two (me included, previous to July of '07) but these were OUT OF CONTROL. One after another- the best way to describe it is if you were to have a handful of marbles and drop them - each one kerplunking at its own speed. My heart had nooooo rhythm to it at all. It was just skipping along to its own beat. Of course I called Dr.P right away and was seen; I was told it was anxiety. (hadn't heard THAT one before!!! :) I tried my hardest to go on with normal life, but I could hardly function- my heart palps were making me weak and out of breath. Super scary stuff.

One particularly HOT, August afternoon (it was right during registration at the studio- I believe I was 8 months preggo) I went to the bathroom and as I sat down it felt like every drop of blood in my body raced up to my head- all in one, swift, sweeping motion. BIZARRE. The stall started to spin, my heart started to race and I began seeing splotches. I stumbled out of the stall and told my sister (Emily) she needed to drive me to the ER asap. Something wasn't right.

We got to the ER (Ryan was right there with us- thanks to a few frantic cell phone calls) and I had to be taken from the car by wheelchair (talk about drama!) Questions were being shot at me left and right (yeah- no triage- just whisked right on back! I always joke with my friends & fam- if you need to get into the ER fast, stick out your gut like you're preggo and tell them you can't breathe and having a heart attack! :) "Any allergies? How far along are you? Who's your doc?" etc. etc. etc. By the time we reached the room I had electrodes stuck all over me (ankles, chest, back) and was hooked up to an EKG. Literally within SECONDS, they had a reading and took it to the cardiologist on call. I had 3 or 4 nurses shuttling around the room (one sticking an IV in, the other gathering info, one hooking up the O2/heart rate monitors) and a doctor who was standing back watching the monitor. When my heart rate finally started to bleep on the screen at an alarmingly fast pace (somewhere in the 180's) they decided to push some ativan. After a dose, my heart rate came down and hovered in the 110 area- and it has stayed there ever since- I KID YOU NOT. I could stop my ER story here... and just continue on with what is happening today, but I'm sure some of you are a little bit intrigued about the rest of my frantic visit to the hossy, right? :)

After things had calmed down a bit, Dr. Zande (the cardiologist on call) came in and talked with us a bit. By this time, the room was filled with my dad, sis & Ryan (mom was in K-zoo)- we all listened as he talked about TACHYCARDIA and PVC's (aka Premature Ventricular Contractions). I ended up spending the night in the hospital. I got an echo & they made sure that none of my symptoms were being caused by underlying preggo conditions (such as Pre-e...). We left the next morning with a script for a beta blocker and an appointment at Michigan heart. I seriously couldn't believe that this was happening to me- EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT. The only way I could get my mind off of that horrible night was a swing by Dunkin Donuts... so we did... a swing-by, that is :).

The next week at Michigan Heart I was fitted with my very own HOLTER MONITOR. Think sleeping at 8 months preggo is uncomfy? Try wearing one of these suckers! IT WAS AWFUL! And I truly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (well, maybe my worst:) I wore the monitor for 72 hours... it recorded my skippy heart and I was FORMALLY diagnosed with PVC's. THANK GOD they were benign. I was given the go-ahead for a natural delivery (I did have to be hooked up to a heart monitor but at least no c-section!) and I was taken off the beta blocker. My cardiologist did warn me if the palps didn't go away after the pregnancy, I'd have to have an ABLATION. I thought positively and focused on the impending birth of my little lady. My delivery with Maeve was awful (you all know that) but praise the wonderful Lord, my heart palps completely disappeared about two weeks after I had her. WAHOOOOOO! NO ABLATION!

Fast forward to October of 2009. My ENTIRE pregnancy with Henry was pretty great (minus the normal aches and pains- oh and the horrible swollen monster I had become- OH YEAH and all the urine jug tests for pre-e...BLAH) anyways, no heart troubles- UNTIL October-ish. I remember getting a few- and thinking "Its okay! These are BENIGN! AND THEY WILL GO AWAY JUST LIKE THEY DID AFTER MAEVE WAS BORN!" Big man was born, (Nov. 23rd) and my heart palps were still making their presence very much known. NOW, here I sit at 12 weeks (or 13 weeks?) post partum STILL dealing with a "skip to my lou" heart problem. Monday though, I decided I had had enough and made a doc. appointment with the best doc in town (Dr. Bigelow :).

I was totally thinking Dr.Bigelow would once again diagnose them as benign PVC's and send me on my way with some more anxiety meds (after all- anxiety is what the root problem is...or so I thought). Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He listened to my ticker, and listened some more, and some more. I was starting to sweat bullets. And those dreaded words "I think I heard something" came out of his mouth.

Me: "Ummm, heard what?"

Dr.Bigelow: "Something that a doctor doesn't want to hear."

Me: "Okay..."

Dr. Bigelow: "You're having some definite rhythm disturbances and I'm not going to try and diagnose with you with one thing or another but I am going to refer you back to Michigan Heart."

Me: "Right- so they're benign though?"

Dr.Bigelow: "I can't tell you that- but I will tell you your heart is having rapid accelerations and decelerations within a short time period and that can be pretty stressful. Also your resting heart rate is 110. That's a tad high."

Me: (thinking...yeah I knowwwww its accelerating like mad & YEAH 110 SUCKS for a heart rate!!)

Dr. Bigelow had a talk with me about trying to relax as much as possible- no exercising (can't get my heart rate any higher at this point) and I was put back on a beta blocker. We also talked about the dreaded ablation. Of course, it will be the cardiologists call, but with the way my heart is ticking now-a-days, I'm kind of getting desperate for anything....even (YIKES) the ablation.

SO....here's the rundown in case you missed anything:
I am.... 25 years old. A NON-smoker, NON-drinker (besides the occasional glass of wine or beer), 15 lbs. overweight (baby weight I like to call it :), and I am on a BETA BLOCKER!?!?! Aren't those for old people??? Oh yeah- along with my lexapro, klonopin, and "the pill." WOW. Just call me a walking pharmacy.

After getting some bloodwork done I headed home thinking about going through the holter monitor and echo and alllllll that other junk once again. I also started thinking about the ablation (which my mom is coincidentally having done tomorrow). I am sick of meds. I am sick of monitors. I am sick of my heart doing this to me. ANYONE out there with a heart condition that alters how you feel physically (for me- it makes me feel light headed, drained, dizzy, spacey, tingly, out of breath) I FEEL for you. This is AWFUL. I don't have time to be down. I don't have the energy to deal with this. I am so discouraged right now. Discouraged that the palps won't just GO AWAY. And STAY AWAY. Discouraged that I take such good care of myself- making it a POINT to take my vitamins, not smoke, not drink excessively, not eat crappy foods, being active, etc. and here I am stuck with this. NOT FAIR :(

Okay... so enough with the pity party for myself. All I need to do is look at a picture of a kid at St.Judes and I'll feel blessed and thankful. But really, today just wasn't a good day here... and I'm scared and just want some answers.

Ohhhhhhh sighhhhhh....
Thanks for following along (if you could keep up!?!?!) with my scatterbrained post. I promise to post something more uplifting tomorrow. For tonight, I'm sleeping next to my main man and watching my fave Adam Sandler movie... (any guesses???) :)

Just When You Think All is Safe...

OMG I swear I might lose my mind. Maeve can figure out how to get into anything and everything and make the most "safe" item in the house a weapon. This kid is scary.

Let me start by saying that I THOUGHT we had the house pretty kid-proofed. Safety locks on all the drawers in the kitchen & bathroom... gates for the basement stairs and our bedroom... all meds up in the cabinets... ya know, its your normal run of the mill house with kids. Lately, Maeve has been defying our baby-safe efforts though. She somehow can find ways to get into trouble. This morning has by far been the most dangerous and heart stopping moment for me and I'm still shaking from it.

I was feeding Henry in the living room- the gates were up- she ONLY had access to her room and the baby's room (and the living room of course- but I was in there to watch her.) I am pretty meticulous when it comes to what is in hers & Henry's room because I know that when I'm nursing, I'm stuck and Maeve has access to whatever is in those two rooms. I was confident it was all toys, books, stuffed animals- we don't even keep anything on Henry's changing table- just diapers and wipes- no creams, baby powder, etc. WELL. This morning, Maeve took down this hanging wall sign- YES- it was HANGING on the wall (don't ask me how she managed to get this thing down). I heard her banging around in her room and I kept shouting "Maeve come see Momma!" Of course she didn't- the banging continued. I figured she was throwing books around or pulling toys out of her bins. Two minutes later I hear her SCREAMING- to hear Maeve screaming is pretty normal- anytime she's frustrated with something she screams bloody murder... and that's exactly what it sounded like- she was frustrated with a puzzle piece or couldn't get something out of a bin. Then she comes flying into the living room with the wall sign twisted around her neck- TIGHT. I whipped Henry off, and got her untangled as fast as I could. HOLY COW. Probably the scariest moment of my mothering life?!?! Her poor little neck has a red mark around it- every time I ask to look at it to see how its doing I get the shivers. How quickly something can happen! So the wall sign is going in the trash. And I am now as paranoid as you can get- I might have to stick her in her high chair with some play-doh or a puzzle during every nursing session because I just can't trust the kid to not find something to get into trouble with...


The wall sign... now in the trash.

jumbled!

I don't really know what to write today... my thoughts are here, there, everywhere! I wish I would've had an easier labor with Maeve so I could be going into this one with a TON of confidence. Unfortunately, I'm thinking "HOW THE HECK am I going to push for an hour and a half again???" or "I really hope the first epidural works!" Ryan even had the nerve to say "I hope 'WERE' done by noon this time." Yeah- Ryan I hope "WE'RE" done too! haha... :)

I think one of the things I'm most nervous about is Maeve- actually, yeah that IS the thing I'm the most nervous about. She's only stayed overnight one time- she was about 7 months old- we went to the Westin for our anniversary- I cried because I missed her so badly and we came home early! haha :) I'm afraid I'm going to miss her so badly I'll have a hard time enjoying my time with the baby... does that sound bad? I desperately want to make sure we bond like I did with Maeve those first few days in the hospital but how can I put my whole heart into him when my heart will be missing??? I'm afraid all I will want to think about or be able to think about is "Where is Maeve? What is she doing? Did my mom put brown sugar in her oatmeal? Did my dad make sure she's got her baby Dumbo to sleep with?"

[Okay now I'm crying.]

Alright- I'm going to stop getting emotional about leaving Maeve for a couple of days...

This past weekend I tried to make it a "Maeve weekend." Maybe its because I'm a firstborn- but I feel for her! I really do! She has no idea the huge shift that's about to take place in her world! Saturday night my mom, dad, Ryan and I took Maeve to "Chelsea Treehouse." It was awesome. There were literally 2 other kids there (I think it was the quietest I've ever seen the place!) and even though I was unable to climb through the tubes and slides, Maeve had a huge entourage of people willing to play with her. I walked around taking pics (although the camera is packed in the hospital bag and out of sheer fear that I will forget it, I'm not going to remove it to upload the pics!!!) and cheering her on. After playing for awhile, we ate at the amazing Mexican restaurant that's adjacent to the treehouse. Maeve loved the chicken, even though it turned her face red because it was so spicy! After dinner, we let Maeve play for a little more- I can't tell you how special she felt. The four most important people in her life all giving her 100% of the attention- she was looooving it! We stopped for cupcakes and coffee on the way home and since Maeve had decided not to nap yesterday, it was off to an early night night. After Maeve fell asleep, I had Ryan bring her in our room so I could just lay with her. I couldn't sleep- so I just held my bubs and watched some Christmas movies. It was a really nice night.

Today we've hung around the house (minus a trip to my parents to drop all of Maeve's stuff off). We're having a big dinner tonight and I'm hoping we can ALL get to bed early. Scheduled inductions are so weird- you KNOW the amount of pain you're about to be in and yet somehow you have to try and sleep. Also- I have to call L&D at 5 AM to see if they have a bed available. If they do, I'll be told to come in- if they don't... ughhh- either my induction could be delayed or canceled all together. I think a lot of my anxiety will go away once they say "come on in!"

I just asked Ryan if we could bring the computer to the hospital. Since we won't be having many visitors (the H1N1 thing doesn't allow children or anyone NOT directly related on the L&D floor... so only Ryan & grandparents are allowed) I figured it might be nice to kill some time on the comp. I guess we'll see how we're all feeling. Anyhow, expect an update SOMETIME in this next week!

Wish me luck! :)

a ME day.

I'm excited- my mom is taking Maeve for a couple of hours so I can get my hair done (I desperately need my roots touched up, a trim and my eyebrows waxed) and then I get to have a spa-pedi (thanks Sarah!). I'm thrilled to have a few hours to myself- just relaxing before giving BIRTH (ahhh...really starting to get nervous!). Tonight my parents, Maeve, Ryan and I are all going to Darryls to celebrate a "last supper" of sorts.

It's all bitter sweet. I love my little family so much- Maeve is my world.
I'm finding it hard to imagine that this baby will fit in as well as Maeve does- but I'm sure he will. I think these are just some last minute fears... after all, having a baby is pretty life changing. I just want the transition to go seamlessly- I want Maeve to LOVE her baby brother, I want to love him as much as I love Maeve (again- I am sure I will- but at the moment, I'm looking at my love eating breakfast in her chair and thinking no one will ever take up as much room in my heart as her). Stupid fears, I know... but still, it will be nice to have a few hours today to just CHILL OUT and get my thoughts together without a screaming 2 year old in the background.

Tomorrow we're getting our Christmas tree (soooo early)- I really wanted to be able to go and pick it out with Ryan & Maeve and with the weather here, ya just never know- I don't want to take a newborn out Christmas tree hunting in freezing snow, so we decided to get it a week earlier than we normally do (we usually get it the weekend AFTER thanksgiving). I will post pics of our tree hunting experience tomorrow :)

HOLY BIG BABY ALERT.

I got my much wanted ultrasound today... not sure if that was a good idea or not- I guess I'll find out in a few weeks. The good news is everything looked fine (according to the tech- I didn't think they were supposed to tell you things like that) AND the baby is head down!!! the bad news is they only have me measuring 10 days ahead... BOOOOOOOOO. There is NO WAY my due date will be changed. And the really scary news is that right now, TODAY, this baby weighs 6 lbs. 8oz. To put this into perspective for you, when I delivered Maeve at 39 weeks and 1 day, she was 6 lbs. 9oz. I AM FREAKING OUT. Several breakdowns have ensued since getting the news that "I'm looking at a pretty big boy." (those again, were the tech's words). I have about a zillion thoughts in my head right now... I want this baby OUT OUT OUT... as horrible as that sounds, he needs to come OUT. I cannot deliver a 9 lb. baby- i just can't. I almost ended up with a c-section pushing Maeve out. I am terrified...scared...super emotional...etc. I might chain myself to the hospital doors starting around 37 weeks if they won't induce me...

When I get my brain back I'll post a pic of the "big boy." He's a spitting image of Ryan... (it was only a 2d ultrasound) but you could still see hair, eyelashes & his GIANT lips. He's a super chunk... wow.

35....errrrrr....37 weeks? :)

I had my 35 week appt. today & overall things are looking UP! :) YEEEHAW!!! My BP was great today (Praise the LORD!) and although I've stopped looking at the scale we didn't have a "weight talk" today. :) The bad news is I've started spilling protien in my urine. I had to be induced last time because of that, so we're keeping a close watch on it. The doc. STILL can't tell me what position this baby is in! So strange! They press and poke all over my belly and just have this weird, quizzical look on their face, like they're feeling an alien or something. ALSO, I am measuring a solid 2 and a half weeks ahead- 37 whoppin' weeks!!!!!!!!! I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday afternoon to check out how this turkey is hangin' out in there & also to get a weight check (on the baby, that is:) My prayer is that he is dating at 37 weeks and we can bump my due date, which would mean baby time would be coming VERY SOON! We'll see, we'll see!

Thanks for all the thoughts & prayers- I am really hoping that the swelling and BP issues are resolving!

we did it. all of us.

I've been encouraged by every health professional I've seen over the past month or so to GET THE H1N1 vaccination- for me and my family (anyone who will be in the house with the baby). I kept putting it off and putting it off- until everyone in Jackson county started coming down with the swine flu! Now my little brother has it, and that's just a *little* too close to home for me! I spent last night talking with Ryan, praying and panicking (yes-panicking). I woke up this morning with a totally new perspective on the whole thing. I AM a vaccinating mom- Maeve has all her shots and I plan on doing the same with this baby. So why would the swine flu vaccine be any different? I know its new, but again, I've been told by all my doctors (and Maeves) that its just the flu vaccine with the H1N1 IN it. And I'm totally comfortable with our family getting the regular flu vaccine, therefore, I should be fine with the swine flu vax. That isn't to say it wasn't tough walking through the doors, holding Maeve down and watching them inject her. And I couldn't help but notice the kicking buddy in my belly when it was my turn. But I think the thing that really matters is that this decision feels right for me and my family.

8 Hours In...

to the most disgusting thing EVER- the 24 hour urine catch. Really- this is gross. But I thought I'd updated because last night my BP spiked up to 145/82. The bottom number is fine, but the top was getting pretty close to that 150 mark that is dangerous. So I called L&D. My least fave. doctor was on call, Dr.McDonald- YUUUUUUUUUUCK. I can't stand him- he discharged me from the hospital after having Maeve and he was the most arrogant thing ever. It also doesn't help that I taught his girls in gymnastics for a few years and I've seen him outside of a medical setting- its just weird. Anyways I left this long message about how I've been having swelling, blood pressure and headache issues... and how I was starting the 24 hour urine catch and I just wanted to know if a BP of 145/82 warranted a trip into L&D. Believe it or not, I NEVER got a call back- ever. Now, I know I'm not his patient, but as an on-call doctor, I'm his responsibility like it or not. To say the least, I'm not pleased. Thank goodness it wasn't an emergency, huh??

Anyways Ryan took the BP monitor away from me because I was totally losing it- I was taking my BP every few minutes and then it would be a little higher and I'd start panicking. A massive headache also started brewing... so after a huge thing of gatorade, 2 tylenol PM and a mini-breakdown I fell asleep (all the while Ryan was rubbing my back...wonderful:). This morning, I got up and peed in my jug (haha:), weighed myself and took my BP. To my wonderful delight, my weight dropped by FOUR pounds overnight & my BP was 121/72. AHHHH!! YES! What wonders a good night sleep and lots of fluids will do!!! AND today was the first day in probably 3 weeks that my mom told me I looked okay! (meaning I'm not super puffy) We even played around by pushing on my legs and wrists and we couldn't leave an imprint- something that hasn't happened in weeks! I am not sure why the swelling went SOOOO down overnight- the only thing that I did differently was down a really huge gatorade over night which did cause me to pee a LOT... but still, wow 4 lbs of water weight gone? I am finding this whole swelling/BP thing crazy! The only thing that is kind of making me nervous at this point is the headache that isn't getting better with tylenol. Like I said, I took tyleonl PM last night but unfortunately still woke up with a headache this morning. A headache that doesn't get better with tylenol is yet another reason for concern. But instead of focusing a ton on that, I am trying to stay positive about the BP & swelling going down.
Tomorrow I turn in my jug-o-pee & get a 2nd set of PIH blood work done. I'm hoping to have some good answers as to what is going on after the weekend. I can't believe I'll be 35 weeks next week- I remember when I was preggo with Maeve, my midwife told me that if I were to go into labor at 35 weeks they'd make no effort to stop it- something about that makes this whole thing seem like its finally getting to the end... praise the Lord! Thanks for the thoughts & prayers!

Trouble in the Neighborhood.

Ryan and I live in a very comfortable, middle class neighborhood. It's right off of Robinson road, behind Westwinds church. There is virtually no traffic- our neighborhood is a big circle, so usually if there is a car driving around it belongs to someone in the subdivision. We feel super blessed to live here- and its all thanks to my dad (and mom :) - if it weren't for them, we'd probably be living in some jankity apartment. But since my dad is a contractor for Stoneridge, we got a GREAT deal on our land in the Stoneridge subdivision and of course, our house was built AT COST. We are so grateful and thankful for that. :) And all was good until the other day when we got this letter in the mail. It was from a neighbor down the road- apparently last Thursday night, his 7 year old son was riding his bike up and down the sidewalk in front of the houses. His dad was mowing the lawn and keeping an eye on him. A tan 2 door car pulled up and his dad could see that the man was talking to his son. So he turned off the mower and kind of stood there, just watching. He saw his son shake his head "no" and then the car pulled out of the subdivision. Joe (the dad) asked his son who that was... the kid told him he didn't know. He also said the man in the car asked him if he was cold and wanted to get in to warm up. Thank GOD the kid said no- then the man asked him if he wanted a ride home... again, the kid said no. That's when the car drove off. Upon hearing this, Joe jumped in his car and tried to find this "mysterious" car. No luck :( This letter terrified me- I mean, Maeve would NEVER be outside alone, but still- to think that someone like that was prowling around in our neighborhood is just sickening and frightening. This morning as I pulled out of our subdivision, I saw 2 handmade signs that read "This neighborhood watches and protects its children"- each one was propped up on either side of the road. And tonight after running out for some coffee, we pulled in to find a police car parked right outside our house. Ryan asked what was going on- thank goodness nothing was, but because of the little incident last Thursday, they were going to be putting a cop in our neighborhood at random times. Scary stuff.
I do feel better that there are cops patrolling around, but what the heck??? I really thought we lived in one of those great, kid- friendly kind of neighborhoods. But I guess it just goes to show you, it can happen anywhere. But it's put me on edge- I'm nervous to be here alone at night (when Ryan has class on Tuesdays) and I don't want anyone (strangers that is!) knowing I have a little girl in here. I've been up checking on Maeve all through the night- double checking the locks on her window and having nightmares about walking in her room and finding her crib empty. I'm sure preggo hormones are playing into this, but... yeah, the anxiety is pretty high at this point. I am praying that the police patrols will keep this creepo away. But I think its definitely a wake up call for all of us that "they're" everywhere!

sooooo I did it.

I got the "regular" seasonal flu shot. And prior to my appointment I was having some MAJOR anxiety. Thoughts were flying left and right over whether it was the right thing to do or not. But in the end, I decided to go for it. I asked the nurse who administered the shot to me if she had seen a lot of preggos getting the shot, and she said A TON. Apparently the OB's in town are definitely recommending it. Does that make it right or okay? Who knows... but all I can live with is that I'm doing my best- or rather, I'm doing what I think is best. It's scary to have to take meds or be vaccinated with anything while pregnant, and I hope I never have to do it again... the unknowns are killing me but I've gotta keep the faith!



****Okay this is completely, and I mean COMPLETELY off subject, but if you go to THIS website, and type in your email on the right hand side of the screen where it says "join the newsletter/get a coupon" you will receive a coupon in your email for a FREE box of any snikiddy snack. I printed 6 off and redeemed them at Toys R Us today- I got the chocolate chip cookies and they were totally, completely free. No tax- NOTHIN'! AND the best part? They have no preservatives, are made with 100% whole grain and taste great! Maeve ate probably 10 on the way home :) And I didn't feel guilty about giving them to her because of their "nutritional" value :) Happy shopping...

Hard days & Harder nights.

It has been rough around here lately! Maeve is not just A handful- she is TWO handfuls. I can't look down for a minute (just to be clear I am looking down right now as I type this- but she is "napping.") without pure destruction or chaos happening. It's making me incredibly nervous to add a second one into the mix. Here are a few issues we've been having lately. ANY HELP WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!

-throwing her food on the floor (a HUGE ONE!)

-not saying please or thank you (although she CLEARLY can- the girl says "octopus" and she says please occasionally- but it has to be on her own terms- if you ASK her to say please or thank you she will NOT DO IT.)

-hitting, kicking, slapping, grabbing, etc.

-complete defiance- for example- she will go to her book shelf and just start pulling piles of books out. When I say "Maeve no- one at a time" she briefly stops- looks at me and then continues with the madness.

-I've been trying time outs as a form of discipline- (I don't want to yell or grab or smack her- out of fear it will condone that behavior even more) so I try to keep my voice really calm but firm and then sticking her in her high chair, wheeling it into the middle of the kitchen and then leaving her there for a minute or two. She thinks its a game. WTH?

-everything- and I MEAN EVERYTHING is a battle. From bath time, to bed time, changing her diapers, getting her dressed, brushing her hair- its all a fight. She screams, throws tantrums....

Well i think that about sums up our issues- any ideas??? :)

Also- I took her into the doc. yesterday afternoon because she's been waking up in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep unless she's in our bed and she's had a dose of motrin. Why motrin you ask? Because she isn't just up for 10-15 minutes- she is up for on average, 2-3 HOURS. And finally after exhausting every effort to get her to go back to sleep, we try motrin, thinking she might have an ear ache or headache, or something physically wrong that is preventing her from sleeping. Good news & bad news I guess at the doc- good news- she is fine- bad news- there is NOTHING we can do at this point to help her sleep better. We just have to bite the bullet and know that 2-3 hours out of most nights (about 5 nights a week) one of us will be up with her. BLAAAAAH. THIS IS HARD!!!!

Oh- something else I've been meaning to ask/update with is about this BRUISE on Maeve. It's a disappearing bruise- its there one day and gone the next- always in the same spot (the small of her back) and we've noticed this bruise for about a year now- YES, A YEAR. I had taken her in for it around November or so, was told that it was fine- no big deal and it looked like it was healing. (I wanted to say, "yes doctor the problem is it heals and then comes right back- in the SAME EXACT spot!) To say the least its freaking me out! So yesterday when I took Maeve in to get her ears checked I also asked about the bruise. I reminded Dr. Williams that I had asked her about this months ago and that's how long it has been an issue. She told me that they usually worry about a bruise that won't heal- so since her's heals and then comes back, she must be getting a new bruise every few days. My question is "HOW???????????" I've checked everything she sits in on a regular basis- her high chair, stroller, carseat- there is nothing that is sticking out that could cause a bruise. I KNOW for a fact she does not fall on her back every few days! So WHAT is causing this??? Anyone have any ideas on this??? It's not a big bruise- its about the size of a dime... and its always a browny-yellow color. Strange huh?

feeling guilty.

A few days ago I tripped and fell in the hallway (yeah I'm a klutz) and even though I landed on my butt, and there was no bleeding/cramping or anything else, I've been a little worried. So I ordered one of those dang dopplers- I ordered one with Maeve as well, but vowed never to do that again because I drove myself absolutely mad when I couldn't find her heartbeat. I think after having it (the doppler) at my house for 2 days we sent it back because I couldn't stand it anymore! And of course, Maeve turned out just fine :) So when I asked Ryan if we could order one again he said "NO- N-O." He had to remind me of how obsessive I was with it and that I made myself sick with worry over it. BUT I persuaded him to let me get one... It arrived in the mail this afternoon and needless to say, I behaved like a kid on Christmas morning. I signed off on the package, ran back to our room, ripped open the box and stuck the doppler on my tummy- I found the heartbeat within 2 seconds :) YES!!!! It was ranging between 150-160 beats per minute. perrrrfect. How thrilling, right? Now here comes the feeling guilty part- after I heard the heartbeat, I went and dug out Maeves old baby book/pregnancy diary. I wanted to compare the heartbeat at 13/14 weeks... not only did I find an entire page devoted to Maeve's heartbeat at 14 weeks (which happened to be in the 160's- another girl perhaps?) but I found countless other entries, which I ended up reading. The guilt sunk in. I haven't recorded ONE THING about baby #2. In Maeve's book, I have things listed to the tiniest detail- what foods I love, what foods I hate, how much weight I've gained, belly pictures marking each and every week, WOW. WOW. WOW. I have got to get on the ball with this baby. Tonight we're going out for dinner with my parents, and I'm hoping afterward we can stop by the bookstore to pick up a pregnancy journal. AND THEN I have to pray I can rewind this baby brain back 8 weeks and try to remember all those minute details about certain weeks... yikes. We'll see how it goes. Anyways, I guess that's what its like to be a 2nd child- hand me downs, less pictures, less press.

Another reason I'm feeling particularly guilty is my "carelessness" when it comes to this pregnancy. This may sound funny, but its really making me feel awful; While preggo with Maeve, I wouldn't HANDLE deli meat (let alone eat it), eat feta cheese, take a tylenol, take a bath, pick up anything heavier than 5 lbs :), eat a hot dog, etc. etc. etc. Really- the list goes on and on- I was crazy worried about everything! This time around, I eat lunch meat all the time, I eat hot dogs, feta cheese (just had it last night), pop tylenols left and right AND sudafed AND claritin AND unisom. (the claritin/sudafed is for my allergies and the unisom is for morning sickness- which yes, are all fine to take according to my doc. but STILL I feel horrible about it) Why is it that you are so less worried over the 2nd one??? I LOVE this baby and I want it to be healthy and perfect but its like I'm just not obsessing over it this time around... is that normal???