Monday, November 1, 2010

annnd..... the truth comes out.

here it comes... spilling.

It's past midnight. This is what happens when my brain is on for too long.

I'm hurting. Hurting so badly.

I know things could be worse. I keep thinking of horrible scenarios and situations, comparing them to mine, and I am instantly thankful. Really, I am.

I have a family. An awesome, supportive, amazing family. They're here- on this earth. Maybe not a drive away, but a phone call away. And that should be enough... but its not.

It's really not. And I'm hurting.

I want to see my mom. I want to call her up and ask if she wants to meet the kids and I for lunch. I want to see Maeve's face light up as nana walks in the room.

I want to hug my dad. I haven't seen him in months. I want to sit and talk about Jimmy Buffett. I want to laugh about innappropriate things, and feel his hand on my shoulder.

I want to scoop my little brother up. I want to save him from the bullying he's getting in his new school. I want to tell the world how great he is. He's the little kid who used to make hundreds of oragami frogs, who only drank orange juice, my mini-me (in boy form).

I want to save my other little brother. He's a good person. It hurts that the world doesn't see him that way. He's lost and I want him to be found. He's trying hard, but he needs more than anything I can give him. He needs healing, our family needs healing.

I want to hold hands with my sisters. I want to tell them they're my best friends and never to leave me again. The three of us are meant to be together. My kids need their aunts. I need the laughs and unconditional love.

No, our family has not suffered a major loss. God has been good to us. If I could illustrate this, (this being THIS- what is pouring out of me right now) it would be rough water. Rough water and seven helpless people bobbing in and out of the waves.

My mom calls 20 times a day (and I'm sure I'll be answering many phone calls tomorrow) and I can't answer the phone 75% of the time. It
hurts too much to hear how different our lives are. When she talks about her new job, I picture her old job, the studio. When she talks about grocery shopping, I picture "Polly's", not "Publix." The distance across the phone is ear shattering. And I can't bear to hear it 20 times a day.

The same goes with my dad and sisters. It's somehow easier to communicate via facebook (or this...hi mom, dad, everyone) than to hear their voices. Hearing them, grinds in the truth that this is our life now. Phone calls and plane rides. Goodbyes, catch ups and packages.

I had a great evening with a friend tonight. We killed 3 hours talking. She stoically told me about her mom, who is battling breast cancer. And here I am, crying because I miss my mom who moved to Florida, and worrying about my brother who is struggling. It's really quite stupid when you line it up with other happenings.

I have my biggest fan sleeping (snoring) here next to me. My sleeping babies are my life savers. Even through this fog, I laugh and smile every day, because of them.

So I apologize for the complaining. However, this is my pity party. This is my blog. My vent. If you have something nice to say, I'd love to hear it... if not, just skip. skip somewhere else...

here's a good quote to sum up ((THIS))

"If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is an inconvenience. "
~ Robert Fulghum


goodnight. and thank God for new days. & hope.




3 comments:

Jodie said...

Hugs. By the way...Jimmy Buffett?? We must be long lost sisters! LOVE him and was raised on his music. Literally. My 1st car was a jeep wrangler that my dad had "Little Miss Magic" written on the side! Ahhh...

I have lived far enough from my parents to cry about not seeing them. It will get better. I know where you are! How wonderful to have such a tight bond. :) Blessed.

Ashley said...

Jodie! :) I am so glad we connected- My dad and I have a strong bond over ol' jimbo! My 3 year old knows the lyrics to a handful of his songs... and yes, "Little Miss Magic" is one of my faves- and especially with having a daughter now! :) ahhhh :)

joejoseph said...

HAI ASHELY;

VERY INTERESTING THING

THANK YOU