some (early) night confessions.

... because I'm about to hit the sack.

For the past, ohhhhh, few months or so, I've been had this hurricane in my brain.  That's the best way to describe it anyway- just this mesh of thoughts- fears, really- about becoming a mother of 3.  I remember a teeny bit of this fear with having Henry, but not like this.

This anxiety hits me every morning as I wake up and realize "WOW.  I am still so tired."  It hits me as I'm making breakfast and I have Henry throwing a fit at my feet because he wants milk and Maeve shouting from the table that she needs a different spoon.  It hits me at the grocery store while one kid is standing up in the cart, about to flip out (giving all the old ladies heart attacks) and my other child is picking grapes and eating them- straight out of the produce section.  It hits me at Target when I notice Henry has opened the deodorant and is taking licks of it, and Maeve is leaving a "popcorn trail for the animals."  It hits me while I'm with my daughter who is trying-( bless her heart) to poop on the potty and Henry is dumping out the dog water.  It hits me at play dates, when one of my kids strips her clothes off and is streaking through the house, while the other is having a meltdown because I put him down for a hot second to put on his big sis's clothes.   It hits me at nap time, when the house becomes silent, and I look around.  Toys, clothes, food debris, markers on the wall, lotion on the carpet (yeah, don't even ask).  It hits me at night- after putting the kids to bed.  That first time I sit down and really have nothing (well kind of nothing) to do.  I breathe, look around at the mess and think, "HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I DO THIS WITH THREE KIDS????"

ANYWAYS... I am freaking out.  I feel like I am doing this magical juggling act every day with the two kids I have.  Adding one more, is surely going to throw things.  I find myself thinking a lot, "How did my mom do this with FIVE?" 

In fact, I asked her that very question tonight.  "Mom?  How in the world did you do this 5 times?  Pregnancy five times?  Birth five times?  Potty training, breastfeeding, etc. FIVE TIMES?"  Her answer? 

"I don't really remember.  It was all a blur."

Thanks mom :)

But really, how do you do it?  How do YOU  do it????  I want to enjoy my kids.  I don't want to run from mess to mess, stressing about Henry eating dog food off the floor, or Maeve getting out the nail polish.  It just seems like these two have my head spinning.  At the end of the day, I am beat.  BEAT, beat, beat.  It takes all of me to get through bedtime stories with Maeve- which is one of my favorite parts of the day- but by the time it rolls around, I can barely focus my eyes on the words.  I go to sleep asking the Lord to be with me.  No I'm not doing anything dangerous, or going into battle or anything- I'm just trying to mother these two amazing kids and do so, without losing my mind.

I must be in a venting kind of mood tonight- I took another friend down "vent boulevard" with me tonight... I'm sorry to be a downer, but as the birth of this baby is nearing, I can feel my anxiety building.   I am really hoping that I can attribute much of my fatigue to the pregnancy itself.  Maybe that's why I'm so beat at the end of the day? 

So please, mom's of 3 kids (or more?!) tell me- HOW DO YOU DO IT???

 

the truth is heavy...

Literally. It's heavy.

I had my appointment with my nutrition revolution lady today. I've done some major, MAJOR damage to my body in the past (thanks to that fab little ED I used to have). I've been told by every doc under the sun that I've messed up my metabolism- its no surprise. But I kind of got hit hard today.

I was excited to get my shake... and tea and aloe. And even more excited to see how I can lose these last 10 lbs. I got hooked up to the little machine and I noticed the lady eyeballing me.

"Ummm... have you ever had some eating issues?"

"Kind of, why?"

"You have no metabolism."

Yes, I was told at the ripe age of 26, that I have no metabolism- or rather that it was, "shot." In order for me to lose weight, I need to restrict to 900 calories a day. HA! (I TOLD YOU SARAH COLE!!!!)

The GOOD news, is that I am a mere 7 lbs away from my ideal weight. I was shooting for 10 lbs.. (and I still am) but apparently that little machine thinks I only need to lose 7- that's nothing, right? :)


The lady (forgive me, I forgot her name) wrote down all my numbers and then crossed out the calories. She said, "I don't want you to ever, EVER go below 1200 calories- got it?"

I said "yeah" and started to tear up... (rough day around here I guess) Those years of my stupid, STUPID eating habits flashed through my head. It's kind of unbelievable how much damage you can do in such little time. I've been alive for 26 years, was "unhealthy" for 2 of those years and I'm still paying the price for it.

I think why its hitting me hard now, is that I have these two, amazing children, that I want to be healthy and happy for. I want two (maybe 3?:) more children, that I need to be healthy and happy for. I can't afford to do any more damage.

Anyways, she circled my protein numbers- "70-99" and told me to focus on those.

The super nice lady gave me a great meal plan and a nice pep talk. The difference with this meal plan versus any other meal plan any other nutritionist or therapist has tried to put me on, is that its not focused at ALL on my calories. and I LOVE THAT. LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT.


Today is one of those days that my head (or my brain I should say) has been too engaged. I need to turn it off for a bit. Thank God its the kids' nap time... I need a good rest.

happy Saturday.

I'm hormonal... not pregnant.

Yup- I'm just plain grouchy, k?

NOT pregnant, but I am a woman, therefore I DO have raging hormones... I'm blaming my grouchiness on that.

Here's the thing- my life is so good. SO SO good. I really have no reason to be unpleasant. But its like "PESSIMIST" is my middle name or something...

The kids have been waking up at UNGODLY hours... I mean, we're talking 5, 6 AM. INSANITY. I can't even remember my name at 5 AM let alone how much milk you put in oatmeal...

My mom being here has thrown us all a bit off- in a good way- don't get me wrong... I am going to probably crawl in a shell for a few days after she leaves and cry- but its kind of like "no rules" around here. For example, this morning, Maeve wanted fruit snacks. It was like 8 or something...and this is how the conversation went:

I said "no. You can have fruit snacks with lunch but not with breakfast."

Maeve then screamed- yes SCREAMED, "I HAVE FRUIT SNACKS RIGHT NOW!"

Me: "Excuse me? That's not how we ask for anything."

Maeve: "Can I please have fruit snacks right now?"

--crosscut to my mom-- "Well she did ask nicely Ash."

GAHHH. 99% of the time I end up letting it go... I mean, Nana's only here for a little bit; might as well live it up. As a result of my passive take on discipline (and everything around here lately) Maeve has quit using the potty (what does that have to do with discipline??? or Nana???). She stays up until 10, 11 at night- this results in plain disaster. Her hair hasn't been brushed in 12 days. I'm really not sure if either kid has had a bath- I mean, I know they've bathed- but whether or not they've had soap on them, and had their nooks and crannies scrubbed out is unknown to me. Maeve's eaten McDonalds for lunch just about each and every day- I WILL say though, I've upheld my ban on chicken nuggets... she gets sprite and the apples- not too bad, right? ANYWAYS... I think that these past two weeks have just kind of ruffled my feathers...

To put it in a nutshell.. I'm tired, my anxiety is horrid, I'm annoyed with my three year old's attitude, money's tight, I'm getting sick of enchiladas and its getting cold.

What an inspiring post. :) ha... :)


I am off to youtube... listening to some chill music will help my mood I'm sure. (as will this glass of moscato)

good night!

Ew.

Y'all know my insomnia...

My insomnia often leads to youtube searches. Youtube searches usually lead to anxiety provoking videos. The anxiety provoking videos lead to my insomnia. Vicious cycle!

Anyways, last night I was up until 2 or so? ((YUCK)) and came across this video. I'm not a fan of Pam Anderson... at all (Yuck to her as well). But I will never, EVER eat chicken from KFC again... EVER. I am sure I am late on this video... meaning- I'm sure you've seen it and have all been boycotting KFC for years because of it... whoops... not me.

From now on, all my chicken eating is coming from Laura McCully's farm! :) I've seen the chickens out there- they're treated well- everything is clean- no broken bones, no slicing their beaks off... just happy, healthy chickens :)

I have never really been a meat fan. I am practically a vegetarian- NOT a vegan- but a vegetarian. I hardly ever eat meat. I DO like BBQ chicken... and I will eat chili- or spaghetti with ground turkey. But (this may blow your mind) I have never, EVER had a steak. EVER. Crazy??? I just don't like the taste of meat.

If I didn't have such a meat hungry husband, I'd probably become a vegetarian. But honestly, Ryan might become a cannibal if I deprived him of meat. That would be no good for any of us... ;)

Anywho, what a great post for a Monday morning right??? :)

Have a good week readers!

Poke...poke...poke

I had acupuncture done today. And I just have to say... it was amazing.

It's no secret that I have anxiety. BAD anxiety. And after switching meds 3000 times, I told my doctor something else needed to be done. He suggested I try acupuncture. Five Element Acupuncture to be exact.

I was SO excited. It took a few weeks to get in to my doc (because the session is 2 HOURS!!!) so I was pumped when today arrived. ANYTHING to lessen my anxiety and I'm pumped. :)

My doc started off with asking me a zillion questions. I had a mini meltdown telling him about evvvverything. (I mean- we delved into Sean's death and other traumatic moments...) He asked, "What brings you the greatest joy?" And I answered, "My kids. My kids, Ryan... a day at the zoo with them. Just being with them." (kind of rambling...) Then he asked, whats a stressful situation for you? And I thought for a second, smiled and answered, "Ummm my kids. Yeah- that day at the zoo? That would be stressful." :)

Now- let me make it perfectly clear that my kids DO NOT MAKE ME STRESSED. I have anxiety- so having kids provokes a lot of it. For example- when Maeve is rolling on the floor of McDonald's (ummm yeah- that really just happened the other day) my mind isn't thinking "Oh that's gross." MY mind is thinking "OMG she's probably picking up thousands of germs and bacteria- what if one of those germs is one of those 'super-bugs' that invades your body and... Or what if someone stepped in dog poop, then traipsed across the McDonald's floor and now Maeve is going to get some horrible disease from fecal matter... " Yeah- you get the picture. My brain is constantly in hyper-mode. I can't slow it down. It is running through crazy scenarios and outrageous thoughts.

When I first brought Maeve home I didn't sleep. No- I mean, I really didn't sleep. And NOT because I was up nursing her. Oh yes, I was up nursing her, but in between nursing sessions I was watching her. Making sure her chest was rising and falling in perfect rhythm. I thought surely the second I took my eyes off of her, she'd stop breathing.

This cycle of thinking continued and eventually led to ummm... lets call it my mini-breakdown :) It wasn't a full out breakdown- it was more like I finally realized that my obsessive thoughts and anxiety were controlling me... and I wanted free.

Then began my journey into medications.

Zoloft. Ativan. Lexapro. Klonopin. Effexcor. Celexa. Xanax.

I did find a combo that worked (Lexapro & Klonopin) for awhile. But last month it kind of stopped working. I was needing to take my klonopin more and more (which is NOT a good thing) So back to my doc I went... begging for a different answer- something OTHER than medication. Because obviously, something just wasn't working.

He calmed me down... put me on a dose of prozac and began to tell me about acupuncture.

Now here I am today. I am currently taking 40mg of Prozac and feeling great. I take my klonopin as needed- usually .5mg or .25. AND I have now ventured into the world of acupuncture. I think I'm addicted.

I wasn't nervous about the needles at all. I was nervous it wouldn't work. That this would be yet another avenue of failure.

Dr. Bigelow told me not to expect much from the first session. He wanted me to get used to the needles. The session was more of a class- he spent a good hour just asking questions about my history and telling me all about Chinese medicine.

Pretty soon it was pokey time... He put one needle in each hand, one needle in each foot and one needle on my scalp. And I kid you not- I DID NOT feel a single poke. I felt pressure but it almost felt good- like that achy kind of pressure when you're muscles are sore from working out... very strange.

After the needles were in, he left me alone for 10 minutes- with strict instructions NOT TO MOVE. :) I was dying to take a pic w/ my blackberry but didn't want to dislodge a needle...

During my 10 minutes of having needles in me, I felt really loopy. Almost like my eyeballs were rolling around and around. And I felt waves of tingles in my hands and feet. You'd think it would be creepy or uncomfortable. Instead- I wanted to lay there all day with those needles stuck in me.

After the needles were removed, I scheduled 4 more appointments for treatment. I am so excited and hopeful that this may give me some relief. Doc said next treatment he will be using something called Moxa. Sounds interesting :)

As crazy as all this sounds (Chinese medicine and the 5 elements, etc.) I felt different leaving the office. I felt calm. Doc Bigelow told me not to get too excited because it usually takes several treatments to really feel something. But I am confident... (well as confident as a pessimistic person can be :) that this could be something good.

Anyways, I wish I had pics to show you. It's unlike me to experience something and NOT take a picture.

I will keep you updated on my journey through acupuncture! My goal is to be klonopin free!!! Wish me luck ;)

Oh- and a few people have asked who Sean is/was. Here's alink to a post I wrote about him- well there is a lot of other stuff jumbled into that post as well.. But there's a pic of him :)

jumbled!

I don't really know what to write today... my thoughts are here, there, everywhere! I wish I would've had an easier labor with Maeve so I could be going into this one with a TON of confidence. Unfortunately, I'm thinking "HOW THE HECK am I going to push for an hour and a half again???" or "I really hope the first epidural works!" Ryan even had the nerve to say "I hope 'WERE' done by noon this time." Yeah- Ryan I hope "WE'RE" done too! haha... :)

I think one of the things I'm most nervous about is Maeve- actually, yeah that IS the thing I'm the most nervous about. She's only stayed overnight one time- she was about 7 months old- we went to the Westin for our anniversary- I cried because I missed her so badly and we came home early! haha :) I'm afraid I'm going to miss her so badly I'll have a hard time enjoying my time with the baby... does that sound bad? I desperately want to make sure we bond like I did with Maeve those first few days in the hospital but how can I put my whole heart into him when my heart will be missing??? I'm afraid all I will want to think about or be able to think about is "Where is Maeve? What is she doing? Did my mom put brown sugar in her oatmeal? Did my dad make sure she's got her baby Dumbo to sleep with?"

[Okay now I'm crying.]

Alright- I'm going to stop getting emotional about leaving Maeve for a couple of days...

This past weekend I tried to make it a "Maeve weekend." Maybe its because I'm a firstborn- but I feel for her! I really do! She has no idea the huge shift that's about to take place in her world! Saturday night my mom, dad, Ryan and I took Maeve to "Chelsea Treehouse." It was awesome. There were literally 2 other kids there (I think it was the quietest I've ever seen the place!) and even though I was unable to climb through the tubes and slides, Maeve had a huge entourage of people willing to play with her. I walked around taking pics (although the camera is packed in the hospital bag and out of sheer fear that I will forget it, I'm not going to remove it to upload the pics!!!) and cheering her on. After playing for awhile, we ate at the amazing Mexican restaurant that's adjacent to the treehouse. Maeve loved the chicken, even though it turned her face red because it was so spicy! After dinner, we let Maeve play for a little more- I can't tell you how special she felt. The four most important people in her life all giving her 100% of the attention- she was looooving it! We stopped for cupcakes and coffee on the way home and since Maeve had decided not to nap yesterday, it was off to an early night night. After Maeve fell asleep, I had Ryan bring her in our room so I could just lay with her. I couldn't sleep- so I just held my bubs and watched some Christmas movies. It was a really nice night.

Today we've hung around the house (minus a trip to my parents to drop all of Maeve's stuff off). We're having a big dinner tonight and I'm hoping we can ALL get to bed early. Scheduled inductions are so weird- you KNOW the amount of pain you're about to be in and yet somehow you have to try and sleep. Also- I have to call L&D at 5 AM to see if they have a bed available. If they do, I'll be told to come in- if they don't... ughhh- either my induction could be delayed or canceled all together. I think a lot of my anxiety will go away once they say "come on in!"

I just asked Ryan if we could bring the computer to the hospital. Since we won't be having many visitors (the H1N1 thing doesn't allow children or anyone NOT directly related on the L&D floor... so only Ryan & grandparents are allowed) I figured it might be nice to kill some time on the comp. I guess we'll see how we're all feeling. Anyhow, expect an update SOMETIME in this next week!

Wish me luck! :)

we did it. all of us.

I've been encouraged by every health professional I've seen over the past month or so to GET THE H1N1 vaccination- for me and my family (anyone who will be in the house with the baby). I kept putting it off and putting it off- until everyone in Jackson county started coming down with the swine flu! Now my little brother has it, and that's just a *little* too close to home for me! I spent last night talking with Ryan, praying and panicking (yes-panicking). I woke up this morning with a totally new perspective on the whole thing. I AM a vaccinating mom- Maeve has all her shots and I plan on doing the same with this baby. So why would the swine flu vaccine be any different? I know its new, but again, I've been told by all my doctors (and Maeves) that its just the flu vaccine with the H1N1 IN it. And I'm totally comfortable with our family getting the regular flu vaccine, therefore, I should be fine with the swine flu vax. That isn't to say it wasn't tough walking through the doors, holding Maeve down and watching them inject her. And I couldn't help but notice the kicking buddy in my belly when it was my turn. But I think the thing that really matters is that this decision feels right for me and my family.

give me the news.

Okay here is a pic of my 30/31 week belly with baby boy:



And here is a picture of my belly at 30/31 weeks with Maeve:



So give me the verdict- how HUGE am I this time around??? My doc says he's pretty sure the baby will be in the 7 lb. range... but I'm not so sure. I had a really hard time pushing Maeve out (an hour & a half) and she was a teeny 6 lbs.! Anxiety is starting to set in that I will have to push out a 10 lb. watermelon... yikes!

My Last Post of 2008

I don't really have anything significant to post about- but I figured I had to do an "official" end of the year post. I thought I would do some McKenney updates, facts, figures and such... and also talk about this past year- learning experiences, humbling moments and fun memories. For once, I am a bit lost for words- if you are a regular reader of mine, you know thats uncommon for me- I can ramble with the best of them! And I'm reminded by my sisters that my posts are often too long for them to read... (ADD anyone?) But as I write this, moments and days are coming into mind that I think are important to include in a "New Years" post. So... this will probably end up being "too long" for Meghan & Emily, but its my blog and well, here it goes:

Last year around this time I was struggling with some pretty intense anxiety. To be completely honest (and I'm banking on the fact that you will all read this judgement-free) I was "lit" on a bunch of anti-anxiety drugs. I've said it before, but my ativan pills are equivalent to 3 beers- I was allotted 4 a day- and I was taking full advantage of their sedating effects. So yup, there was a time- last year probably to the date- that I was "having" 12 beers a day... I am proud, VERY proud to say that I have not taken an Ativan since November 24th, 2008. Just about 6 weeks! Thanks to UMICH docs. for weaning me off of that stuff! I don't feel like a zombie anymore! :)

My weight: If you were to log onto facebook and look back over all the pictures that have been taken over the past year you'd definitely see some major fluctuations in my weight. Between switching anxiety meds. , dieting, NOT dieting, and stress my weight has been at a low of 110 and at a high of 135. Pretty huge fluctuations... its not too fun. But like I said, my wonderful UMICH docs. have me all evened out on anxiety meds. and I've been working out and eating healthily, so I am hoping to finally, FINALLY drop the weight in the correct way. And then of course, as soon as I get to my goal weight up will pop the positive preggo test, right? :)

ER visits: WOW I think its safe to say we are "frequent fliers" at the Foote Hospital (Allegiance) ER. Between Maeve and I, we've made 4 trips there this year. 2 for Maeve, 2 for me. Thankfully, with my anxiety getting under control, our ER trips will be cut down. But Maeve I'm sure is bound to surprise us this year with a few bumps and bruises...yikes.

In September of this year, I was completely humbled- what a rough month. I know we all need to be humbled and to feel our blessings, but September was really a nightmare. A very good friend gave birth to a stillborn baby girl- shock doesn't begin to describe what I felt when I got that phone call. And another "friend"- more of an acquaintance lost her son to a brain tumor. WOW- to say the least, I felt incredibly blessed and to be honest, guilty. Why some people have to experience such trauma and grief is something our Father only knows.

Here is some good news: I have completely and totally embraced motherhood and I feel incredibly confident in my mothering skills! :) I feel like I know my child like I know the back of my hand- I know what she wants, when she wants it. I also know whats best for her. Even if its not what is best for someone else's child, it may be what works for us. And that is totally acceptable to me. :) When I first had Maeve I would've trusted the "bag lady" on the street for parenting advice- I felt like I had given birth to an alien- not a human being :) Even though I had carried her for 10 months, she was foreign to me- I didn't know how to feed her, I didn't know how much to feed her, I didn't know her cries, I didn't know about medication dosages, I didn't know much about anything! And for a really, REALLY long time I trusted lots of other moms with advice- some was well given and much appreciated, other advice, not so much. And don't get me wrong, I still LOVE getting together with moms and talking and sharing info about our kids but I'm not so quick to adapt to someone else's parenting style. Again, I am confident with who I am as a mother. :) What a wonderful thing!

Lets see, Ryan- remember that guy? I hardly ever write about him! Poor guy! :) Honestly, its because we don't see each other- like literally- don't see each other. Between my work schedule and his, we're hardly ever in the house at the same time. And at night, Ryan's usually working on homework out in the kitchen and I'm either sleeping or blogging or doing something else completely thats lazy. But anyways, Ryan is great- he doesn't like his job, which reflects many times in his moods- not to say he's in bad moods all the time, but its sad because he'll come home from work just disappointed in the day. Luckily, he graduates in August and he will be in an entirely new area of work! YEA! We are looking forward to some good health coverage and better paychecks!

Vacations: Yes, we are notorious for taking vacations. What can I say? I would rather sacrifice food, water and shelter if that meant we could take a holiday! :) Thankfully, we don't need to sacrifice THAT much in order to take a few vacays a year. This year, Maeve and I went to Florida three times and once to New England. It was great! Ryan got to join us twice to Florida- Spring Break and our Disney trip in October. Like I've mentioned before, spring break is April 17th for us and we are counting down the days to sunshine and warmth.

Well, it isn't even close to midnight here in Michigan and to be honest, I am pretty sure I'll be knocked out within the next hour. But the new year will still be there to greet me in the morning... no need to ring it in I guess. :) Especially when you've got a baby who likes to wake up at 7.


OH- one quick last note- I am "CLAIMING" names this year- because there is a baby boom going on and I will honestly be devastated if either of these names are used by a good friend- sound selfish? Yeah, kind of but its New Years, I had diet coke for dinner and I'm sleeping next to my stinky boxer- I think I have a right to SOMETHING fun tonight! :) So...... some of you (probably most of you) may think to yourselves "Ashley I wouldn't use those names if I was on drugs and had a gun against my head" but I L-O-V-E them and will honestly be upset if someone "steals" them:) Henry and Shepherd (Shep) are the chosen names (at the moment) for our future, non-existent sons. Who knows if they will still be at the top of the list when the moment comes, and I also feel deep within me that we are destined to have all girls... BUT if we do have a boy, I am claiming those names!!! :)


Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2008 was great for you all and 2009 will be even better! God bless and peace out! :)

GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY.

I drove to Ann Arbor today for my appointment with Dr. PJ and I am NOT even joking- I saw probably 10 MAJOR accidents. Not to mention countless cars on the side of the road, flipped, flopped and stuck. It was a nightmare. How ironic though... I was driving to my ANXIETY appointment and the entire way there I am having this panic attack- it got so bad that I started dry heaving. Dry heaving+ tingling fingers + pounding heart + shortness of breath + icy roads= DANGER.

It is only by the grace of our good Lord that I got there safely. And maybe Jimmy Buffett. I cranked me up some Jimbo and tried my hardest to picture myself on a beach with a margarita in hand... it helped... but still, MY GOSH it was horrible.

Props to ALL rescue workers around here- I seriously saw about 30 police cars and ambulances and countless fire trucks all out on the roads, doing their thing.

Of course when I arrived back home I sat down and had a serious talk with Ryan about how for the sake of our safety and MY sanity and health, we need to move south. It is no longer a "comfort" thing- this is ridiculous. I can handle hurricanes and monsoons... ice storms, snow and negative degree weather??? NOPE. NOT ME.

When I got home, I took a long hot shower, trying desperately to calm down- I did so by sitting down and reading my gossip mags. :) Thank goodness for that Britney Spears and her custody problems- she can always get my mind off of anxious stuff! :)

Also, this has nothing to do with anything relevant to what I just blogged about, but since my recent obsession with Adam Sandler, I've watched any and every movie he's ever been in and I am yes, ASHAMED to admit it, but I JUST watched "Wedding Singer" for the first time EVER last night. I cried during the "Grow Old" song. What a great movie... :) Why oh why can't my husband write me some stupid cute song like that? He plays me songs all the time- AND he writes songs, but he won't play HIS written songs for me... strange. Maybe someday I'll crack that egg.

Alright- drive safely and good luck with wrapping, baking and all of that other holilday stuff! :)

Monday Nights.

Mondays have quickly become one of my favorite days of the week. I mean, yeah its depressing because there are 4 whole days until Friday... but for the next month I have appointments at U of M for my anxiety and Ryan has committed to going with me :) We've only gone once but it was a ton of fun! My appointment lasted about an hour- Ryan played with Maeve out in the giant waiting room (which is a kids dream- filled with tons of toys and a LOT of room to run!) and then we go out for dinner in Ann Arbor. It works out fabulously! :) And last week, Maeve slept in until about 9 on Tuesday morning- all thanks to our late night out in Ann Arbor. And the best part of the whole night is that on the 45 minute drive up to AA and the 45 minute drive home from AA (BTW AA stands for ANN ARBOR- NOT alcohol anonymous!) Ryan and I get the chance to TALK. Talk without distractions from the tv, phone, or anything else. Its just driving and talking and its wonderful. We never get to sit down and just talk. And Maeve is as content as can be riding in her comfy car seat (she jibber jabbers away herself and "sings" along to the music).
So yeah, Monday nights have turned into my favorite night of the week! :) I think tonight we're gonna eat at Bennigans (YUM- Buffalo chicken salad!!!!!) and then do a quick trip to Target- our Target here in Jackson is completely sold out of the glade candles... hmm...wonder who bought 'em all up??? :) And we need some more gift cards from Target so I'm gonna make a run in to swipe up whatever they have.
Hope you all have great week!


OH- I wanted to post this awesome recipe I tried out this weekend- it was SO GOOD and SO EASY!!!

Potato/Ham & Cheese Bake (in the crockpot!)

-1 bag of tater tots
-1 onion diced up
-1 pack of pre-cooked ham chunks
-1 bag of cheddar cheese
-6 eggs
-some milk (to beat in with the eggs)


in the crockpot layer 1/3 of each ingredient (except the eggs) so do 1/3 tater tots, 1/3 onion, 1/3 ham, 1/3 cheese... do that 3 times. Then whisk your 6 (or 7) eggs together with some milk and pour it over your layers in the crock pot. Cook on high for 5 hours or on low for 8 hours. It is SO GOOD. It tastes like cheesy potatoes and ham. But it was great because the eggs hold everything together so Maeve could easily pick up chunks of it. We ate it with OJ and toast! :)

Anticipation :)

I have been looking forward to November 24th, (Monday) for about 6 weeks now. What is it you ask? It is my initial visit to U of M for treatment of my anxiety!!! I am so excited you have no idea! HOPE is the one word that comes to mind when I think about it- I just feel like God put this opportunity in my life for a reason, and because of that I have a lot of hope that this plaguing anxiety is going to get better. I haven't blogged about my anxiety for awhile, but it has been here, ever present and ever annoying.
Here's a brief rundown of whats been going on:
Since the birth of Maeve my anxiety has been out of control- meaning, without medication, I cannot control the panicking, the over whelming feeling of doom, constant worrying, etc. BEFORE maeve and before the preggo hormones, I was able to keep my anxiety in check by exercising, taking a hot bath or drinking a glass of wine. Post Maeve and post pregnancy, I am lucky if 2 mg. of ativan take away my anxiety. It really has been such a struggle for me- and it continues to be. Even though I don't blog about it much, it is still unfortunately, a huge part of my life. Right now I am on (count 'em up) FOUR different anxiety meds. Zoloft, ativan, buspar and zyprexa. Although*** I am weaning off of the zoloft and ativan- and slowly but surely its actually working. I am down to one tiny tablet of zoloft a day and one (sometimes no) ativan.
These medications ARE working to a certain extent- the ativan works marvelously- but one mg of ativan is equivalent to 3 beers. So on a "bad" anxiety day, I was taking 3-4 ativan- 9-12 beers?!!? Crazy huh??? I mean can YOU imagine functioning while having 12 beers in you? To say the least, its been hard.
The main reason of seeking treatment at U of M is because they have an entire clinic devoted to anxiety- 14 doctors that specialize in anxiety. How wonderful! :) And also, as I've stated many times, Ryan and I want our kiddos to be 2 to 2 1/2 years apart- which would put me getting preggo sometime in the spring or summer. And getting pregnant while on the meds I'm on now (besides the zoloft and buspar) would be very dangerous. Ativan is known to show defects (in less than POINT 275% of fetuses) Yes, .275 is a very small number, but my gosh, I would never gamble with something as important as a life! So what I'm really hoping to accomplish by going to Michigan is getting on some safe meds. And from other women I've talked to, its totally possible and doable! I am very optimistic :)
Anyways Monday should be a good time- my appointment starts at 8:30 so Ryan and I are going to drop Maeve off at my parents around 7:45 and drive up to UMich. My appointment is supposed to be around THREE hours!!! (I am getting bloodwork done, cat scans, the works) But after the appointment Ryan and I are going to get lunch in AA and then go to Trader Joes for some much needed groceries. I am excited to spend a work day with my husband- SO RARE- hardly ever happens! Heck, he doesn't even get a lunch half the time. So it will be wonderful to have him all to myself for half the day! :) And I am SO excited about possible answers I may get on Monday.
I will keep you updated on my UMICH treatment- I'm sure there will be many ups and downs (its a 15 week treatment program). But I am so anticipatory about the end results that its worth any downs or any pain I might have to go through. Say a quick prayer for me!!! This anxiety is kicking my butt!!! Again though, I am hopeful that with the help and knowledge of the doctors and the GOOD LORD HIMSELF :) that I WILL get through this!!! :) Thanks all! :)



P.S.- I just have to comment on how clueless some people can be- but the other day at the studio, I was talking about my anxiety with another mother (she has 3 kids) and she ACTUALLY said to me that my anxiety may be Gods way of telling me I should only have Maeve. I was so crushed by the comment- I still am! Gosh some people just don't know what to say or how to say it...

OCD Overload

For all of you who don't know, I have OCD... I was formally diagnosed with it this past fall, but I know I've had it for a loooong time. I am blogging about it because right now its SO bad... the funny thing is, its about obtaining control but really it just makes me feel out of control. Its driving me crazy!!! I have tons of obsessive tendencies, but my main triggers are cleanliness and food. For example, about a week ago I cooked some noodles (not the noodles we had for dinner Allison!! This was another night! :) and the sink water touched them (the sink was backed up and a little bit splashed onto the noodles) I freaked out and Ryan found me crying in the computer room, refusing to eat dinner because of it. Yesterday was when I realized it was getting really bad again- I took Maeve on a walk and I noticed our flowers were wilted and dying in their hanging baskets. Again I flipped and called up Ryan telling him my entire life was out of control. I have no clue why its veered its ugly head so bad again right now- I have one of two theories- A. Its because of the never ending medication HELL that I've been going through for months now (trying different, new meds. getting off meds. getting on meds. BLAH) or B. I'm not OCD, I'm just incredibly emotional... the problem I have with that theory is the last time I was this emotional was when I was preggo... Of course I've told Ryan a hundred times "I think I'm pregnant!!!" But he refers to me as the "girl who cried baby." Because whatever symptoms I have (a headache, stomach ache, sleepiness, etc.) I always say "Shoot- I'm probably pregnant!"

I'm really hoping this flare up has something to do with coming off of all that anxiety medication I was on- oh by the way, the soonest appointment I could get with my doc. to get back ON some of my anxiety meds. was JULY 10th!!!!! So I've been patiently waiting...

In the meantime, you can probably catch me washing my hands raw, scrubbing out stains in clothes (I will wash things over and over and over), sanitizing my kitchen or planting some new flowers.

Just a side note- it totally ruins my whole "go green" plan because I feel like I constantly have the water running to wash something! Or when it gets really, really bad I won't eat out of dishes- I use paper and plastic utensils (which is soooo wasteful!) because of the "dirtiness of the glasses..." like when glasses or forks/spoons have spots on them? AHHH!! Drives me nuts!!! So sometimes I just opt for plastic, never been used stuff.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Isn't that how it goes? Or something like that anyways... I just posted about how I am weaning off that stupid anxiety medication but ever since I have been completely off of it, I've been feeling horrible... not having withdrawals or anything but having super bad anxiety. I know its compounded by the fact that my once normal, happy, healthy baby has turned into a nocturnal, fussy, hive covered baby (no she doesn't still have hives but I think that whole ER experience took a few hours, if not days off of my life). So I had to call the doc. and schedule an appointment to get BACK on some kind of medication. It stinks- I've been so down about it, but once again I am weighing the options- be med. free, 5 lb.s lighter and a basket case of nerves or taking a couple pills a day, being a bit pudgier and being cool as a cucumber. I think I will pick the second option... I've been down the road of the first too many times and it always ends in this big ordeal (usually at the ER...). Ugh how discouraging... but I guess thats life- you really can't have it all can you?

Hives, Pox, Viral Rashes, whatever it is, it's HORRIBLE!

One of Maeve's legs...

Her arm :(

Her neck

The side of one of her legs...

Playing the Maracas! With those giant hives on her face... :(

I really have no clue at this point what is all over Maeves body... I do know that she has lost her appetite, isn't sleeping and is fussy as anything. I feel horrible... :( I'm having some KICK BUTT anxiety right now... I probably won't get much sleep tonight...

I think I just freak out because I babysat this kid who had this severe allergy to peanuts and it was scary, scary stuff. I just hope she isn't allergic to anything... or that I exposed her to something bad. Being a mom is so hard sometimes :( Plus my mom is out of town- she has raised 5 kids so she knows it all! I want MY mommy!!! :)

Although I am thinking it is hives now... not the pox. But hives scare me more than chicken pox...

Anxiety's a Beeetch. But I've kicked its butt... for now.

Not that you really care to read this, but I am in the process of weaning off my anxiety meds. What started my anxiety you ask? I really have no clue. I started getting some butt kicking panic attacks a few years ago, but they were few and far between... no biggie, they just sucked when they happened. Like lots of people, I have this fear of losing control. Sometimes it can be over really stupid things like not having control over where we go to dinner (seriously that can trigger my anxiety) and sometimes its really huge stuff, like well, going through a pregnancy and birth! That was by far, the most challenging thing I've ever done. I had to put myself completely in the hands of doctors and God, of course. I had to have faith and put trust in someone other than myself... and that was SO hard. Anyways, after I gave birth to my beauty, my anxiety got completely out of control. It was this entire entity of its own. I had multiple panic attacks a day. I was freaking out over every little thing- (oh yeah those of you who don't know me well I am a GERMAPHOBE. I wash my hands constantly and sanitize any and every surface that food comes in contact with.) After my umpteenth time to the ER, the docs. decided I needed to go on some sort of controller medication. So began my journey into the world of mood altering drugs... I have tried SO many different medications, some have worked, some haven't. I have had the most bizarre side effects from them- night terrors, weight gain, headaches, tummy aches, sleepiness... Its been rough! Well I just had to announce that I am weaning off my anxiety meds!!! I am SO excited! My doctor and I both feel like I can do this without medication and I am pumped. Just wanted to share :)