Poke...poke...poke

I had acupuncture done today. And I just have to say... it was amazing.

It's no secret that I have anxiety. BAD anxiety. And after switching meds 3000 times, I told my doctor something else needed to be done. He suggested I try acupuncture. Five Element Acupuncture to be exact.

I was SO excited. It took a few weeks to get in to my doc (because the session is 2 HOURS!!!) so I was pumped when today arrived. ANYTHING to lessen my anxiety and I'm pumped. :)

My doc started off with asking me a zillion questions. I had a mini meltdown telling him about evvvverything. (I mean- we delved into Sean's death and other traumatic moments...) He asked, "What brings you the greatest joy?" And I answered, "My kids. My kids, Ryan... a day at the zoo with them. Just being with them." (kind of rambling...) Then he asked, whats a stressful situation for you? And I thought for a second, smiled and answered, "Ummm my kids. Yeah- that day at the zoo? That would be stressful." :)

Now- let me make it perfectly clear that my kids DO NOT MAKE ME STRESSED. I have anxiety- so having kids provokes a lot of it. For example- when Maeve is rolling on the floor of McDonald's (ummm yeah- that really just happened the other day) my mind isn't thinking "Oh that's gross." MY mind is thinking "OMG she's probably picking up thousands of germs and bacteria- what if one of those germs is one of those 'super-bugs' that invades your body and... Or what if someone stepped in dog poop, then traipsed across the McDonald's floor and now Maeve is going to get some horrible disease from fecal matter... " Yeah- you get the picture. My brain is constantly in hyper-mode. I can't slow it down. It is running through crazy scenarios and outrageous thoughts.

When I first brought Maeve home I didn't sleep. No- I mean, I really didn't sleep. And NOT because I was up nursing her. Oh yes, I was up nursing her, but in between nursing sessions I was watching her. Making sure her chest was rising and falling in perfect rhythm. I thought surely the second I took my eyes off of her, she'd stop breathing.

This cycle of thinking continued and eventually led to ummm... lets call it my mini-breakdown :) It wasn't a full out breakdown- it was more like I finally realized that my obsessive thoughts and anxiety were controlling me... and I wanted free.

Then began my journey into medications.

Zoloft. Ativan. Lexapro. Klonopin. Effexcor. Celexa. Xanax.

I did find a combo that worked (Lexapro & Klonopin) for awhile. But last month it kind of stopped working. I was needing to take my klonopin more and more (which is NOT a good thing) So back to my doc I went... begging for a different answer- something OTHER than medication. Because obviously, something just wasn't working.

He calmed me down... put me on a dose of prozac and began to tell me about acupuncture.

Now here I am today. I am currently taking 40mg of Prozac and feeling great. I take my klonopin as needed- usually .5mg or .25. AND I have now ventured into the world of acupuncture. I think I'm addicted.

I wasn't nervous about the needles at all. I was nervous it wouldn't work. That this would be yet another avenue of failure.

Dr. Bigelow told me not to expect much from the first session. He wanted me to get used to the needles. The session was more of a class- he spent a good hour just asking questions about my history and telling me all about Chinese medicine.

Pretty soon it was pokey time... He put one needle in each hand, one needle in each foot and one needle on my scalp. And I kid you not- I DID NOT feel a single poke. I felt pressure but it almost felt good- like that achy kind of pressure when you're muscles are sore from working out... very strange.

After the needles were in, he left me alone for 10 minutes- with strict instructions NOT TO MOVE. :) I was dying to take a pic w/ my blackberry but didn't want to dislodge a needle...

During my 10 minutes of having needles in me, I felt really loopy. Almost like my eyeballs were rolling around and around. And I felt waves of tingles in my hands and feet. You'd think it would be creepy or uncomfortable. Instead- I wanted to lay there all day with those needles stuck in me.

After the needles were removed, I scheduled 4 more appointments for treatment. I am so excited and hopeful that this may give me some relief. Doc said next treatment he will be using something called Moxa. Sounds interesting :)

As crazy as all this sounds (Chinese medicine and the 5 elements, etc.) I felt different leaving the office. I felt calm. Doc Bigelow told me not to get too excited because it usually takes several treatments to really feel something. But I am confident... (well as confident as a pessimistic person can be :) that this could be something good.

Anyways, I wish I had pics to show you. It's unlike me to experience something and NOT take a picture.

I will keep you updated on my journey through acupuncture! My goal is to be klonopin free!!! Wish me luck ;)

Oh- and a few people have asked who Sean is/was. Here's alink to a post I wrote about him- well there is a lot of other stuff jumbled into that post as well.. But there's a pic of him :)

My Last Post of 2008

I don't really have anything significant to post about- but I figured I had to do an "official" end of the year post. I thought I would do some McKenney updates, facts, figures and such... and also talk about this past year- learning experiences, humbling moments and fun memories. For once, I am a bit lost for words- if you are a regular reader of mine, you know thats uncommon for me- I can ramble with the best of them! And I'm reminded by my sisters that my posts are often too long for them to read... (ADD anyone?) But as I write this, moments and days are coming into mind that I think are important to include in a "New Years" post. So... this will probably end up being "too long" for Meghan & Emily, but its my blog and well, here it goes:

Last year around this time I was struggling with some pretty intense anxiety. To be completely honest (and I'm banking on the fact that you will all read this judgement-free) I was "lit" on a bunch of anti-anxiety drugs. I've said it before, but my ativan pills are equivalent to 3 beers- I was allotted 4 a day- and I was taking full advantage of their sedating effects. So yup, there was a time- last year probably to the date- that I was "having" 12 beers a day... I am proud, VERY proud to say that I have not taken an Ativan since November 24th, 2008. Just about 6 weeks! Thanks to UMICH docs. for weaning me off of that stuff! I don't feel like a zombie anymore! :)

My weight: If you were to log onto facebook and look back over all the pictures that have been taken over the past year you'd definitely see some major fluctuations in my weight. Between switching anxiety meds. , dieting, NOT dieting, and stress my weight has been at a low of 110 and at a high of 135. Pretty huge fluctuations... its not too fun. But like I said, my wonderful UMICH docs. have me all evened out on anxiety meds. and I've been working out and eating healthily, so I am hoping to finally, FINALLY drop the weight in the correct way. And then of course, as soon as I get to my goal weight up will pop the positive preggo test, right? :)

ER visits: WOW I think its safe to say we are "frequent fliers" at the Foote Hospital (Allegiance) ER. Between Maeve and I, we've made 4 trips there this year. 2 for Maeve, 2 for me. Thankfully, with my anxiety getting under control, our ER trips will be cut down. But Maeve I'm sure is bound to surprise us this year with a few bumps and bruises...yikes.

In September of this year, I was completely humbled- what a rough month. I know we all need to be humbled and to feel our blessings, but September was really a nightmare. A very good friend gave birth to a stillborn baby girl- shock doesn't begin to describe what I felt when I got that phone call. And another "friend"- more of an acquaintance lost her son to a brain tumor. WOW- to say the least, I felt incredibly blessed and to be honest, guilty. Why some people have to experience such trauma and grief is something our Father only knows.

Here is some good news: I have completely and totally embraced motherhood and I feel incredibly confident in my mothering skills! :) I feel like I know my child like I know the back of my hand- I know what she wants, when she wants it. I also know whats best for her. Even if its not what is best for someone else's child, it may be what works for us. And that is totally acceptable to me. :) When I first had Maeve I would've trusted the "bag lady" on the street for parenting advice- I felt like I had given birth to an alien- not a human being :) Even though I had carried her for 10 months, she was foreign to me- I didn't know how to feed her, I didn't know how much to feed her, I didn't know her cries, I didn't know about medication dosages, I didn't know much about anything! And for a really, REALLY long time I trusted lots of other moms with advice- some was well given and much appreciated, other advice, not so much. And don't get me wrong, I still LOVE getting together with moms and talking and sharing info about our kids but I'm not so quick to adapt to someone else's parenting style. Again, I am confident with who I am as a mother. :) What a wonderful thing!

Lets see, Ryan- remember that guy? I hardly ever write about him! Poor guy! :) Honestly, its because we don't see each other- like literally- don't see each other. Between my work schedule and his, we're hardly ever in the house at the same time. And at night, Ryan's usually working on homework out in the kitchen and I'm either sleeping or blogging or doing something else completely thats lazy. But anyways, Ryan is great- he doesn't like his job, which reflects many times in his moods- not to say he's in bad moods all the time, but its sad because he'll come home from work just disappointed in the day. Luckily, he graduates in August and he will be in an entirely new area of work! YEA! We are looking forward to some good health coverage and better paychecks!

Vacations: Yes, we are notorious for taking vacations. What can I say? I would rather sacrifice food, water and shelter if that meant we could take a holiday! :) Thankfully, we don't need to sacrifice THAT much in order to take a few vacays a year. This year, Maeve and I went to Florida three times and once to New England. It was great! Ryan got to join us twice to Florida- Spring Break and our Disney trip in October. Like I've mentioned before, spring break is April 17th for us and we are counting down the days to sunshine and warmth.

Well, it isn't even close to midnight here in Michigan and to be honest, I am pretty sure I'll be knocked out within the next hour. But the new year will still be there to greet me in the morning... no need to ring it in I guess. :) Especially when you've got a baby who likes to wake up at 7.


OH- one quick last note- I am "CLAIMING" names this year- because there is a baby boom going on and I will honestly be devastated if either of these names are used by a good friend- sound selfish? Yeah, kind of but its New Years, I had diet coke for dinner and I'm sleeping next to my stinky boxer- I think I have a right to SOMETHING fun tonight! :) So...... some of you (probably most of you) may think to yourselves "Ashley I wouldn't use those names if I was on drugs and had a gun against my head" but I L-O-V-E them and will honestly be upset if someone "steals" them:) Henry and Shepherd (Shep) are the chosen names (at the moment) for our future, non-existent sons. Who knows if they will still be at the top of the list when the moment comes, and I also feel deep within me that we are destined to have all girls... BUT if we do have a boy, I am claiming those names!!! :)


Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2008 was great for you all and 2009 will be even better! God bless and peace out! :)

Oh Ma Word.

Haha that's what my friends and I used to say all the time- instead of "Oh MY word" haha get it... okay anyways. Tonight was a really, really LOW night for me. To begin with, I feel like road kill that's been run over 30 times. My head is pounding and there is so much pressure in my head I could scream, but I'm afraid if I screamed it would make it worse. My throat feels like its bleeding and my nose really IS bleeding along with draining all the yuck out of it. Anyways, I decided to transfer my prescriptions that I got today (for my bronchitis and sinus inf.) to Target because I had a coupon for a 10 dollar gift card with any new prescription transfer. Well I got to Target, after a really intense and stressful hour of teaching (i know its only an hour- but try teaching 12 four year olds while their parents are all sitting there watching you- plus I have no voice... so yeah it was bad) I got Maeve a soft pretzel and some juice at Target thinking that would keep her happy. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. It was such a horrible nightmare I'm having a hard time writing about it right now... to make a long story short, I didn't get my prescriptions OR gift card because Maeve screamed bloody murder for about 10 minutes before I decided we needed to get out of there (yes I tried to entertain her with toys, anything, etc.) On the way out she pulled off her socks and shoes, threw them on the ground... and as I picked them up and started putting them back on her feet she gave me a slap across the face. Now the slapping isn't anything new- I get slapped daily. But this was so embarrassing- it was in front of a ton of people and my very out of control child had snot covering her face from crying so hard, she was barefoot and me- looking like death warmed over, was in tears trying to get her boots on. After a good 5 minutes of pushing and prodding, I managed to get ONE boot on- the other one she kept kicking off- I just couldn't get it on well enough. SO out the door we went in the 20 degree weather with one bootless foot and a screaming kid.
So now we're in the car. I had cranked the music up for my own sanity and now Maeve is laughing. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... I was sooooooo mad. As soon as we got home she got a diaper change, pjs and a bottle. She's now in bed. I told her that I loved her very much but she made me very sad tonight and I hoped her behavior was better tomorrow. HAHA like she understood a word of that! :) Oh well it made me feel better.
No meds for me tonight. Oh yeah, did I mention its Ryan's late night at school? So it is ALL me on Thursdays. Since the whole Target thing didn't work out, I am going to have to wait and get my meds tomorrow.

Anyways good night and if any of you have any tips on how to get your child to stop slapping you in the face let me know. Seriously- its a problem!!!!

LAY IT ON ME!

I was asked not once, but TWICE if I was pregnant tonight at work. NO JOKE. Okay I am not the skinniest twig on the tree, but jeez I weigh 120 something and I DO have a bit of a gut from having Maeve! The first comment was "How far along are you?" The second comment was "Do you know what you're having?" These comments were made by TWO separate people!!!! Of course I sobbed the whole way home- being a total cry baby... then I milked it up with Ryan- he told me a thousand times that I did not look pregnant. But I just can't shake those comments. I have had a DARN hard road since Maeve was born- off and on about 7 different medications- all of which either make me lose or gain weight. It has been like hell on my body. I am not proud of my body at the moment. Of course I'd love to weigh 100 lbs. again... but its not realistic for me. My normal weight is around 115 or so but I just went off 2 medications and the docs told me that I was going to retain water and gain from that.
I understand some people can be really rude and lack tact. But these two women genuinely thought I was pregnant. I definitely won't need much motivation to continue with the dieting and the gym! Anyways I want your honest to God opinions- I took this pic right after work today- its what I wore to work (I work at a gym thats why I am in sweat pants) and I want you to tell me if I look preggo. Take a look:


Yeah I have a gut- I'm working on that... but really, pregnant???? or pregnant enough to ask someone how far along they are??? I thought it was out of line... but maybe it was the harsh dose of reality I need to really get my butt and gut into gear... anyways... bad day at work. *BOO*


Oh and just for comparison- this is me at 5 months exactly- when you find out what the sex of your baby is... like I said one of the women asked me if I knew what I was having yet... to me- the two pictures are drastically different. You tell me.

OCD Overload

For all of you who don't know, I have OCD... I was formally diagnosed with it this past fall, but I know I've had it for a loooong time. I am blogging about it because right now its SO bad... the funny thing is, its about obtaining control but really it just makes me feel out of control. Its driving me crazy!!! I have tons of obsessive tendencies, but my main triggers are cleanliness and food. For example, about a week ago I cooked some noodles (not the noodles we had for dinner Allison!! This was another night! :) and the sink water touched them (the sink was backed up and a little bit splashed onto the noodles) I freaked out and Ryan found me crying in the computer room, refusing to eat dinner because of it. Yesterday was when I realized it was getting really bad again- I took Maeve on a walk and I noticed our flowers were wilted and dying in their hanging baskets. Again I flipped and called up Ryan telling him my entire life was out of control. I have no clue why its veered its ugly head so bad again right now- I have one of two theories- A. Its because of the never ending medication HELL that I've been going through for months now (trying different, new meds. getting off meds. getting on meds. BLAH) or B. I'm not OCD, I'm just incredibly emotional... the problem I have with that theory is the last time I was this emotional was when I was preggo... Of course I've told Ryan a hundred times "I think I'm pregnant!!!" But he refers to me as the "girl who cried baby." Because whatever symptoms I have (a headache, stomach ache, sleepiness, etc.) I always say "Shoot- I'm probably pregnant!"

I'm really hoping this flare up has something to do with coming off of all that anxiety medication I was on- oh by the way, the soonest appointment I could get with my doc. to get back ON some of my anxiety meds. was JULY 10th!!!!! So I've been patiently waiting...

In the meantime, you can probably catch me washing my hands raw, scrubbing out stains in clothes (I will wash things over and over and over), sanitizing my kitchen or planting some new flowers.

Just a side note- it totally ruins my whole "go green" plan because I feel like I constantly have the water running to wash something! Or when it gets really, really bad I won't eat out of dishes- I use paper and plastic utensils (which is soooo wasteful!) because of the "dirtiness of the glasses..." like when glasses or forks/spoons have spots on them? AHHH!! Drives me nuts!!! So sometimes I just opt for plastic, never been used stuff.

Lola- The Reason Why I Have To Be Medicated

Swollen Lola.

Holy cow, she looked so bad!

This is normally how she's supposed to look....

Meet Lola- she is a 2 year old boxer who destroys my house, our yard and anything else that she can get her paws on. She's like that great white shark from Jaws; creating havoc and chaos in her wake, except that this isn't Amity, its my life. I could go on for hours about why she makes me feel lightheaded and like I'm going to hyperventilate any second, but I'll spare you. Instead, let me address what happened yesterday...

It was such a stressful and busy day, the last thing I needed was to deal with that bug eyed monster. Plus she had been super naughty that morning... so I put her outside, thinking she'd be fine while I cleaned and picked up the house. I ended up falling asleep, forgetting she was out there and then LEAVING to go to my parents house for my dads party! I got over to the house and my mom asked about Lola and I was like "OH SNAP! I forgot to let her in!!!" My mom said I should high tail it back over to my place because it had been a bit toasty... I brushed her off and said "Yeah right, I don't have that kind of luck... (meaning Lola was still very much alive). Oh my gosh that sounds horrible- please no animal lover people get me! I would never want Lola to meet an untimely death, thats why when I got home and found her with her face the size of New Jersey I completely freaked the heck out. I called my mom and Ryan and Dad and was bawling, saying "There's something really wrong with Lola! I think I killed her!!!" You see, when I got home she was as bloated as a blimp, lying on the back porch- I thought the heat had really done her in! All those times I had been sarcastically saying I wish Lola would kick the bucket were coming back to haunt me...

Good news though- she stirred when she heard me rumbling through the house (I was too afraid to go out on the porch b/c I honestly thought she was dead!) and ran over to the window. AHHH! "She's alive!!!!" My mom and Ryan ended up coming over and checking her out- we all came to the conclusion that we needed to call the vet ASAP. The vet had us bring her in, and it turned out that Lola had been attacked by a swarm of wasps or bees... apparently she's allergic? haha :) She's such an idiot, but I did feel really bad for- until we gave her benedryl last night and she lost control of her bladder and peed all over our bedroom. Yup, thats Lola.

My Losing Battle

Haha this just make me laugh. I was 108 lbs. on New Years Eve '06. I thought I looked really fat in that dress.... that my boobs were too big- HAH!

The day I gave birth: 148+/- lbs.

The day I came home from the hospital... low 150s. (thats like an oxymoron- LOW 150s??? WTF)

115+/- a few lbs. in Florida... January.

Just took this pic this week. I think on that particular day I weighed 125. Plump I guess...

OH MY GOSH if you are weight conscious DON'T get pregnant. (unless you are some freak who actually weighs less than before you were pregs... ahem julie.. :) I have always been pretty skinny/tiny, one of the two, I guess. I am going to be so completely, brutally honest in this post so if you're not into blunt things just walk away my friend...
Anyways before I was pregnant I weighed (what I thought at the time was a lot...) between 105-110 lbs. As soon as I got preggo, I was hit with some wicked morning sickness so I got to puke up a lot of my flub and actually lost 10 lbs. in my first trimester. So then I was really skinny... Fast forward like 7 months. I waddled into the hospital weighing in at around 148 lbs. HOLY COW. Pun intended. I LEFT the hospital weighing a bit over 150. I gained weight from birthing a 6 lb child, a 2 lb. placenta and more bodily fluids and gunk than I thought was humanly possible to come out of a person. Go figure. But I guess all the fluid they give you while you're in labor makes you very buoyant with water weight. Right after I had Maeve I could barely step out of bed without feeling like I was being ripped in half, so I spent the first 3 weeks or so with my butt elevated under pillows, and a frozen ice packed diaper in my undies. So yeah, their was no possibility to work out or any of that good stuff. Also, I was breastfeeding, so I was eating like a horse! Trying to keep up with Maeves needs was really hard!!! I have never, EVER been more thirsty or hungry than when I was breastfeeding. Haha this is serious you guys- when I was by myself during those first few weeks at home, I would get so thirsty but be in so much pain that I didn't want to move that I would contemplate eating the ice out of my diaper. Disgusting!!!!
Well about a month after Maeve was born (it was right around Halloween) I started getting these severe panic attacks. The upside to being anxious is that I am usually too amped up to eat much. So from about October to January I lost a huge amount of weight- I went from the 140s to around 115. YEA!!! I was SO close to being back at my normal weight! :) But then I got on some sweet meds. that made me really chill and very hungry. Slowly but surely I started to gain the weight back. Now, in June, I weigh 126 lbs. right this second. (I CANNOT BELIEVE I just stated my weight) UGH. I am trying so hard to lose it, but when all your energy is being exhausted into chasing after a baby its really hard to skimp on meals or think about going to the gym. I have an appetite of a baby whale ;).
I quit breastfeeding around January but TO THIS DAY my boobies are still leaking. They're still a DD and they're still very, very huge. I like to think if I chopped them off I would lose 10 lbs. because I feel like the majority of my weight is in my chest area. But Ryan might divorce me if I came home without any boobs. Oh my gosh- Ang I hope you are reading this- I have even wondered what would happen if I rubber banded them really tightly- remember when we were talking about hemorrhoids? I wonder if it would have the same effect on breast tissue... hmmm... JUST KIDDING.
The goal here is to weigh 115. Its just very daunting to think about losing 11 lbs. I know I need to cut the alcohol completely (I only drink maybe once every 2 weeks or so, but still thats an easy thing to cut out) but my BIG thing that I need to kick in the butt are sweets. They have me by the neck though- sometimes I won't order dinner just so I can eat a dessert. Pathetic!! Well I wanted to share because I am hoping that by disclosing my nasty weight it will motivate my elephant a$$ to get up and do something. blah... gotta go- Ryan just heated up some pizza! haha... I'm such a sucker.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Isn't that how it goes? Or something like that anyways... I just posted about how I am weaning off that stupid anxiety medication but ever since I have been completely off of it, I've been feeling horrible... not having withdrawals or anything but having super bad anxiety. I know its compounded by the fact that my once normal, happy, healthy baby has turned into a nocturnal, fussy, hive covered baby (no she doesn't still have hives but I think that whole ER experience took a few hours, if not days off of my life). So I had to call the doc. and schedule an appointment to get BACK on some kind of medication. It stinks- I've been so down about it, but once again I am weighing the options- be med. free, 5 lb.s lighter and a basket case of nerves or taking a couple pills a day, being a bit pudgier and being cool as a cucumber. I think I will pick the second option... I've been down the road of the first too many times and it always ends in this big ordeal (usually at the ER...). Ugh how discouraging... but I guess thats life- you really can't have it all can you?