Wednesday, August 18, 2010

getting over it.

Hmmm... the first time my parents left was hard. My mom and I had a giant tear fest and I was seriously depressed for a good couple of weeks. MAEVE on the other hand, didn't really grasp what was going on. She thought Nana was in FL for vacation (like in the past).

Goodbyes are going to happen once again (today). This morning (like before the sun came up) I was talking with Maeve, trying to break it to her that Nana, once again was leaving. It didn't go so well.

She ended up running through the house, latching onto my mom and crying "DON'T GO TO FLAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRDA!" It wasn't pretty. :(

The "first" time my parents left, my sister, Emily and my brother, Tyler were still up here in the dirty J to keep us company. Emily babysat which was a wonderful relief- and every once in awhile Tyler would pop over for lunch or a shower. Once again, it was nice to see FAMILY in town.

At the moment, my mom, brothers and Maeve are all at the doctor. Alec, my youngest brother has to get a sports physical and since they don't have a doctor in Florida yet, they set the appointment up for here. Meaning, I'm alone... (well with mr. man:) and feeling pretty gloomy. It doesn't help that its raining outside.

I'm trying to prepare myself for the goodbyes today... it won't just be goodbye to my mom, but to my sister and brothers too- meaning, reality has struck HARD and fast- I am the ONLY ONE left in this stupid town. The black sink hole of Jackson is doing an efficient job at swallowing me up. I'm in a rotten mood and trying really hard not to let my kids see it.

There are many more things in life that could be worse than this. I KNOW THIS. I KNOW THIS. But this is my struggle right now and I'm, ummm... definitely struggling with it. It's not just the fact that my family has moved- its that I am still here, alone. I have my family (Ryan, the kids) which are the most important- BY FAR- but it doesn't mean I am ready to do this on my own.

I thought seeing my parents pack up and leave the big yellow house on Morrell was tough. However, this morning, seeing Emily's little car packed to the brim with any leftovers from their life here in Michigan is even tougher. It's the final sting. It's the last thing that ties them to Michigan- and its gone. Ughhhh :(

I am thinking of getting out of the house today- maybe visiting Ryan in Ann Arbor for lunch? Taking the kids to Chelsea Treehouse... something! My brain needs to be focused on processing stupid, mundane tasks in order to get over the big, flashing, neon sign in my head: "YOUR FAMILY IS GONE AND YOU'RE STILL HERE."

I have been reading a lot lately. This has helped. It's nice to get lost in a book and forget your own reality for a little bit. Under the recommendation of a friend,(Leslie), I bought the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. It is definitely a recommended read. It's not only an amazing story, but its a good devotional too. There are a few prayers in there that spoke to my heart. And lots and LOTS of fruitful scripture. Angie Smith went through something that I can't fathom- the loss of a child- (yes, this is where I keep saying in my head that things could be SO, SO, SO MUCH WORSE!) but what I got out of the book is that we each have our struggles. We each have our own losses and defeats- whether that be (HEAVEN FORBID) the loss of a loved one, or addiction, or something as "stupid" as letting go of your childhood & parents, siblings and moving on with life.

I truly feel that Satan is working hard at pulling me down. Instead of being thrilled with Ryan's job, I've hardly even asked about it because, well, to be honest, I want to be in Florida. I am not excited about starting a new chapter HERE. And I'm trying so hard not to let him win- not to let the bitterness, resentment and anxiety overtake me.

This is going to be a hard (season of life?) for me. And I have to accept that even though things aren't as I would like them to be- this is where I'm supposed to be. For some reason- things didn't work out for us in Florida and we are here. And I am trying to whole heartily accept that... sometimes I believe it. And to be honest, sometimes I really don't. But the important thing is, I am trying and will not give in to the temptation of bitterness and resentment. I won't.

With all that said (sorry that was a LOT of scattered info) today is tough. It's hard to reason with your 2 1/2 year old why we can't go to Florida. Why Nana and Poppa can't come for dinner... why Nana is suddenly gone again. It's just tough. And its emotionally draining.

The title of this post is "getting over it." I certainly couldn't say that I have "gotten over it." This is going to be a process (as the reality REALLY sinks in- Emily and Tyler are gone- there are no ties for my family here in Michigan anymore) for me. I have good friends. I have MY FAMILY and I have a God who knows exactly what is in store for me- He knows what is best and He knows the direction to take our family in. What more do I need?

Thanks for reading.


Mallory said...

So sorry Ash. Especially combining everything else that is going on, I know it must be tough, and I am sorry :(

I DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY recommend Shauna Niequist's book Bittersweet. Her family is amazing (her dad is the pastor at Willow Creek--my BIG Chicago church, where your dad and my dad used to go), and the book directly applies to this season of your life.
the first link is to her book, the second is about her.

you should def read it.
This link below is long, but here she is reading an excerpt from Bittersweet, amidst worship at my church from this winter. so good. check it out. I really think you would benefit from the read!

I have never met her, but her book was inspirational for me!

Angie B said...

im sorry .. that must be so hard...praying for you! JER. 29:11! <3