Friday, May 22, 2009

feeling guilty.

A few days ago I tripped and fell in the hallway (yeah I'm a klutz) and even though I landed on my butt, and there was no bleeding/cramping or anything else, I've been a little worried. So I ordered one of those dang dopplers- I ordered one with Maeve as well, but vowed never to do that again because I drove myself absolutely mad when I couldn't find her heartbeat. I think after having it (the doppler) at my house for 2 days we sent it back because I couldn't stand it anymore! And of course, Maeve turned out just fine :) So when I asked Ryan if we could order one again he said "NO- N-O." He had to remind me of how obsessive I was with it and that I made myself sick with worry over it. BUT I persuaded him to let me get one... It arrived in the mail this afternoon and needless to say, I behaved like a kid on Christmas morning. I signed off on the package, ran back to our room, ripped open the box and stuck the doppler on my tummy- I found the heartbeat within 2 seconds :) YES!!!! It was ranging between 150-160 beats per minute. perrrrfect. How thrilling, right? Now here comes the feeling guilty part- after I heard the heartbeat, I went and dug out Maeves old baby book/pregnancy diary. I wanted to compare the heartbeat at 13/14 weeks... not only did I find an entire page devoted to Maeve's heartbeat at 14 weeks (which happened to be in the 160's- another girl perhaps?) but I found countless other entries, which I ended up reading. The guilt sunk in. I haven't recorded ONE THING about baby #2. In Maeve's book, I have things listed to the tiniest detail- what foods I love, what foods I hate, how much weight I've gained, belly pictures marking each and every week, WOW. WOW. WOW. I have got to get on the ball with this baby. Tonight we're going out for dinner with my parents, and I'm hoping afterward we can stop by the bookstore to pick up a pregnancy journal. AND THEN I have to pray I can rewind this baby brain back 8 weeks and try to remember all those minute details about certain weeks... yikes. We'll see how it goes. Anyways, I guess that's what its like to be a 2nd child- hand me downs, less pictures, less press.

Another reason I'm feeling particularly guilty is my "carelessness" when it comes to this pregnancy. This may sound funny, but its really making me feel awful; While preggo with Maeve, I wouldn't HANDLE deli meat (let alone eat it), eat feta cheese, take a tylenol, take a bath, pick up anything heavier than 5 lbs :), eat a hot dog, etc. etc. etc. Really- the list goes on and on- I was crazy worried about everything! This time around, I eat lunch meat all the time, I eat hot dogs, feta cheese (just had it last night), pop tylenols left and right AND sudafed AND claritin AND unisom. (the claritin/sudafed is for my allergies and the unisom is for morning sickness- which yes, are all fine to take according to my doc. but STILL I feel horrible about it) Why is it that you are so less worried over the 2nd one??? I LOVE this baby and I want it to be healthy and perfect but its like I'm just not obsessing over it this time around... is that normal???


Jessy Schoch said...

It's soo normal, you've done this already, your a pro at it, no need to stress about every detail!! Let me tell you Jack's baby book was the same, and I'll admit I haven't even started on Max's yet...bad huh?? Life is a little busier when you have kids running around, and that's good!! Everyone knows your a great Mom and you love that baby!! Try not to waste your time feeling guilty, your doing great!!

Kase and Jules said...

I am the SAME way. I have been so naughty this pregnancy. This poor baby!!!!!!

Becky said...

I think its completely normal because you've already went through everything once. With the first one, you have no idea what you're doing so you follow all the strict guidelines but now that you've done it before, you dont feel as guilty and you feel more relaxed about everything. you're also busy and focused on taking care of's not a big deal and you are doing fine! :) your baby will be healthy and beautiful! :)

If it makes you feel any better, I ate feta with Kerith and I'm sure I had a few hot dogs :) and she turned out just fine! :)

The Paulk's said...

haha, totally know the feeling and I think it's totally normal. When the baby gets here you'll feel it too. I kept saying, when Riley was a newborn I just layed on the couch for hours and now I can't do that with Lincoln. I felt so bad!Welcome to the life with two children! :)

I absolutely LOVE my playgroup!! I met one of the women at MOPS that I joined last fall then she knew some people, they knew some people and we all just made it happen! I totally know what you mean about being the youngest though. They are all at least 5 years older than I am, but I think when you've got a common interest (our kids) age is thrown out the window. Although I do remind them every once in a while how much older they are :). Now one of them and I scrapbook once a week and get together with our kids often outside of playgroups.

You HAVE to look into MOPS!! I LOVE it and am sure you would too. I tried the "mom's group" at the SAFMC at SAU and really didn't enjoy it, but MOPS is totally different. Email me if you have any questions. Sorry for the longest comment ever :).