Saturday, November 22, 2008

Anticipation :)

I have been looking forward to November 24th, (Monday) for about 6 weeks now. What is it you ask? It is my initial visit to U of M for treatment of my anxiety!!! I am so excited you have no idea! HOPE is the one word that comes to mind when I think about it- I just feel like God put this opportunity in my life for a reason, and because of that I have a lot of hope that this plaguing anxiety is going to get better. I haven't blogged about my anxiety for awhile, but it has been here, ever present and ever annoying.
Here's a brief rundown of whats been going on:
Since the birth of Maeve my anxiety has been out of control- meaning, without medication, I cannot control the panicking, the over whelming feeling of doom, constant worrying, etc. BEFORE maeve and before the preggo hormones, I was able to keep my anxiety in check by exercising, taking a hot bath or drinking a glass of wine. Post Maeve and post pregnancy, I am lucky if 2 mg. of ativan take away my anxiety. It really has been such a struggle for me- and it continues to be. Even though I don't blog about it much, it is still unfortunately, a huge part of my life. Right now I am on (count 'em up) FOUR different anxiety meds. Zoloft, ativan, buspar and zyprexa. Although*** I am weaning off of the zoloft and ativan- and slowly but surely its actually working. I am down to one tiny tablet of zoloft a day and one (sometimes no) ativan.
These medications ARE working to a certain extent- the ativan works marvelously- but one mg of ativan is equivalent to 3 beers. So on a "bad" anxiety day, I was taking 3-4 ativan- 9-12 beers?!!? Crazy huh??? I mean can YOU imagine functioning while having 12 beers in you? To say the least, its been hard.
The main reason of seeking treatment at U of M is because they have an entire clinic devoted to anxiety- 14 doctors that specialize in anxiety. How wonderful! :) And also, as I've stated many times, Ryan and I want our kiddos to be 2 to 2 1/2 years apart- which would put me getting preggo sometime in the spring or summer. And getting pregnant while on the meds I'm on now (besides the zoloft and buspar) would be very dangerous. Ativan is known to show defects (in less than POINT 275% of fetuses) Yes, .275 is a very small number, but my gosh, I would never gamble with something as important as a life! So what I'm really hoping to accomplish by going to Michigan is getting on some safe meds. And from other women I've talked to, its totally possible and doable! I am very optimistic :)
Anyways Monday should be a good time- my appointment starts at 8:30 so Ryan and I are going to drop Maeve off at my parents around 7:45 and drive up to UMich. My appointment is supposed to be around THREE hours!!! (I am getting bloodwork done, cat scans, the works) But after the appointment Ryan and I are going to get lunch in AA and then go to Trader Joes for some much needed groceries. I am excited to spend a work day with my husband- SO RARE- hardly ever happens! Heck, he doesn't even get a lunch half the time. So it will be wonderful to have him all to myself for half the day! :) And I am SO excited about possible answers I may get on Monday.
I will keep you updated on my UMICH treatment- I'm sure there will be many ups and downs (its a 15 week treatment program). But I am so anticipatory about the end results that its worth any downs or any pain I might have to go through. Say a quick prayer for me!!! This anxiety is kicking my butt!!! Again though, I am hopeful that with the help and knowledge of the doctors and the GOOD LORD HIMSELF :) that I WILL get through this!!! :) Thanks all! :)

P.S.- I just have to comment on how clueless some people can be- but the other day at the studio, I was talking about my anxiety with another mother (she has 3 kids) and she ACTUALLY said to me that my anxiety may be Gods way of telling me I should only have Maeve. I was so crushed by the comment- I still am! Gosh some people just don't know what to say or how to say it...


Kase and Jules said...

Yayyy Ash! You sound empowered and I am so happy that you found some treatment. Good luck, love ya!

Barney Family said...

I will be praying for you!! and some people are just