Friday, April 22, 2011

some (early) night confessions.

... because I'm about to hit the sack.

For the past, ohhhhh, few months or so, I've been had this hurricane in my brain.  That's the best way to describe it anyway- just this mesh of thoughts- fears, really- about becoming a mother of 3.  I remember a teeny bit of this fear with having Henry, but not like this.

This anxiety hits me every morning as I wake up and realize "WOW.  I am still so tired."  It hits me as I'm making breakfast and I have Henry throwing a fit at my feet because he wants milk and Maeve shouting from the table that she needs a different spoon.  It hits me at the grocery store while one kid is standing up in the cart, about to flip out (giving all the old ladies heart attacks) and my other child is picking grapes and eating them- straight out of the produce section.  It hits me at Target when I notice Henry has opened the deodorant and is taking licks of it, and Maeve is leaving a "popcorn trail for the animals."  It hits me while I'm with my daughter who is trying-( bless her heart) to poop on the potty and Henry is dumping out the dog water.  It hits me at play dates, when one of my kids strips her clothes off and is streaking through the house, while the other is having a meltdown because I put him down for a hot second to put on his big sis's clothes.   It hits me at nap time, when the house becomes silent, and I look around.  Toys, clothes, food debris, markers on the wall, lotion on the carpet (yeah, don't even ask).  It hits me at night- after putting the kids to bed.  That first time I sit down and really have nothing (well kind of nothing) to do.  I breathe, look around at the mess and think, "HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I DO THIS WITH THREE KIDS????"

ANYWAYS... I am freaking out.  I feel like I am doing this magical juggling act every day with the two kids I have.  Adding one more, is surely going to throw things.  I find myself thinking a lot, "How did my mom do this with FIVE?" 

In fact, I asked her that very question tonight.  "Mom?  How in the world did you do this 5 times?  Pregnancy five times?  Birth five times?  Potty training, breastfeeding, etc. FIVE TIMES?"  Her answer? 

"I don't really remember.  It was all a blur."

Thanks mom :)

But really, how do you do it?  How do YOU  do it????  I want to enjoy my kids.  I don't want to run from mess to mess, stressing about Henry eating dog food off the floor, or Maeve getting out the nail polish.  It just seems like these two have my head spinning.  At the end of the day, I am beat.  BEAT, beat, beat.  It takes all of me to get through bedtime stories with Maeve- which is one of my favorite parts of the day- but by the time it rolls around, I can barely focus my eyes on the words.  I go to sleep asking the Lord to be with me.  No I'm not doing anything dangerous, or going into battle or anything- I'm just trying to mother these two amazing kids and do so, without losing my mind.

I must be in a venting kind of mood tonight- I took another friend down "vent boulevard" with me tonight... I'm sorry to be a downer, but as the birth of this baby is nearing, I can feel my anxiety building.   I am really hoping that I can attribute much of my fatigue to the pregnancy itself.  Maybe that's why I'm so beat at the end of the day? 

So please, mom's of 3 kids (or more?!) tell me- HOW DO YOU DO IT???


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Jessy Schoch said...

I know this fear all too well!! I know now on #5 that it just works and all the pieces fall into place, I know this in my head..but my heart still panics a bit!! They set a date for next Sat. and I think this is my last week with my four kids nothing will ever be the same again, I will be busy nursing and caring for a newborn will I be able to be there for everyone and everything, maybe not. I know it will all work out just fine though, and all this worry and anxiety is a waste of time, but who can help but panic a little bit right!! You will do fine, it will all work out and you won't remember what it was like with just the two!!

And by the way your Mom made it look easy, I think that's how I ended up with 5 myself!! It's going to be great, I promise!! And we all have those days, if you think about it, it shows how much you care and love your kids!!

Nessa said...

Oh my gosh... I have one and I get overwhelmed. I think that it is true... you just figure it out. Your kids will figure it out. My mom said that as each new one came the other got more mature and helpful. And she relaxed her expectations and took a little more time for herself. It is going to be fabulous.

KimBerly said...

Bless your heart! I only have one and I am tired so I can't imagine 2.5. I give you props girl! All your fears and anxiety is nothing but NORMAL. You will figure everything out just like Moms do.
Sounds like you need some Mommy time to relax and breath. From reading your blog it sounds like you are a wonderful Mom. Don't be so hard on yourself.

k and j said...

i feel the exact same way girlfriend. freaking out. but trying not to think about it too much :) ha. i just want this pregnancy to be OVER. it is so so hard being pregs with 2 young, busy kids huh? a fourth will be a BIG fat maybe. even if i have another boy. lol. which i probably will!

Shannon said...

1. No you have me scared.
2. I am laughing at your post because I know what you are going through, your kids sound like they are related to mine!
3. I keep hearing how "HARD" it is with 3 kids and it's a downer to me hearing it that way from other moms, which is like oh okay, am I suppose to be excited now?

I have about 3 more weeks till I'm ready to pop and one of my fav quotes crossed my mind when I read you anxieties.....

""I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."
— Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Really, learning to laugh and not cry is my primary goal......because like your mom said these moment are a blur bc they come and go so quickly. :) :( bitter sweet!

Hang in there!!!

TaMara said...

First of all, congrats on #3! I have 5 aged 10 down to 3. Life is fun, crazy, and definitely a blur most days. One thing we do that helps give each some individual time with mom and dad is give each child their own "weekend". This rotates through the kids - one has a weekend with dad and another one with me; the next weekend it's 2 different children. Whatever dh and I do or wherever we go that weekend, that child does it with us/goes with us.

Enjoy every day. You WILL be able to do this. People have asked me how I do it. My answer is always the same, "I just do." I get up every morning and do what needs to be done to raise them. Is my house spotless? No, but one day, when the little people no longer need me as much, I will have time to clean my house.

jennifer said...

I get asked that question *all the time! I really don't know how I do it. I don't do as good a job as I'd like many times. I just do my best and know that God will fill in the rest. He gave these kids specifically to us, and He gave us specifically to them... for a reason.

The other thing I try to remind myself is that the mess, the noise, the chaos, the schedule, the not-sleeping-through-the-night, the having someone attached to me 24/7... that'll only last for a season. It is hard to believe sometimes, but I know that the day will come that I miss the mess and the noise and the chaos. It goes all to quickly.

The other thing I think is really important is self-care. You do so many great things with your kids! But you need some time to not be Mommy and just be Ashley. That could be going shopping, just spending time alone, getting together with friends (sans tagalongs, unless they are cookies:) ), whatever will refresh you and allow you to regroup and be ready to face the craziness again. You can't run a car on an empty tank!

Don't be intimidated by other people. Do this your way, however it works for you. You WILL be able to do it... but there are going to be moments that you feel like you are losing your mind. Look at your comments- everyone feels that way!

Just love your kids and let them love you. And don't blink. Before you know it, Maeve will be calling you, asking how you did it!

Cat @ No Wooden Spoons said...

I just found your blog and have to comment on this post. While I only have one and have a mini panic attack at the mere THOUGHT of trying for a second one, I can totally relate. I used to think I wanted 5, and then it became well maybe 3, and now I think "Am I patient enough, structured enough, scheduled enough for more than 2?!"

I think back on when my little one was a baby and I can barely remember what we did on those days when she insisted on being toted around 99% of the day, or how we got her to sleep through the night.

I think you'll do great. Your kids sound like mine, perfectly happy and content and NORMAL. We must be doing something right! You'll do it right even with the 3rd one added in!

I'm a new follower now :)