Monday, May 24, 2010

A *teeny tiny* bit of a vent :)

I hate using my blog to complain and vent. I have a good life... a really, really good, amazing life. And the way I write sometimes, you'd think I was on my last leg or something. I guess I can be dramatic :) But this has been weighing heavily on my mind... and I want opinions & dare I say... support? :) Just a pat on the back. Or validation that I'm not crazy. Ya know, whatever you can offer :)

So the other night we were at a wedding... (a BIG wedding) and we were seated with some good friends. I've known them my entire life- two of them threw me my baby shower for Maeve. My mom was also seated with us. We had both kids and I'm sure I was looking a little flustered. NO it isn't super easy having two little ones that are so young, but its fine. I'M FINE. We're ALL FINE. My point is, the conversation turned to how many kids Ryan and I wanted to have. I threw out the number 4- you should have seen the looks. And someone actually said, "You've got the best of both worlds- why don't you just stop right now?" WTH???

First of all, who's business is it how many children Ryan and I decide to have? We don't live off the government; we pay for our children. We take care of them. I spend my days making sure they are happy, healthy, well fed, socialized, adjusted, etc. I feel like I put every ounce of me into being the best mom that I can possibly be- so why would it be a travesty for me to have more children??? Why would that be "ruining" what I have???? (Yes- someone also included that nice word in there "Why ruin what you've got going?") Again- I have no clue what these comments are supposed to mean. I suppose if I were a deadbeat mom, who couldn't afford the two kids I had, someone *MIGHT* have the right to tell me that I should quit reproducing... but I'm NOT a deadbeat mom. I have the confidence to say that I think I'm a pretty good mom. There are days when I want to call my mom and beg her to come and take Maeve for a couple of hours so I can get a break- but I don't. I stick with her- I deal with the discipline issues. I'm on the front lines day in and day out.

I feel like I work SO HARD- and yup, I make a 1000 mistakes a day. I say things I shouldn't. I don't have the greatest patience. I sometimes, lay Henry down after he's been screaming for an hour just so I can step outside and NOT hear him screaming. I tell Maeve she's "makin' me crazy" :). I am late for everything. I go through the drive thru more times than I'd like. I am the bribing queen. I cherish the hour of 8 PM (bedtime). I let Maeve make giant messes all over my house and I don't immediately clean them up. I've got crumbs covering my floors, couches, tables, carpets, etc. Sticky finger prints cover the doors, walls, mirrors, everything! My mascara has fuzz and dog hair in it from Maeve rubbing it all over the floor. I share everything- showers, food, the couch, my bed, -EVERYTHING. And though at times, its annoying, I wouldn't change a thing. I love being a mom. I love it with every fiber in me. It's who I am- my kids are my sun and moon. And I want more. More kids, that is. And if that makes me "crazy" then so be it. I guess I'm "crazy."

From the outside looking in, it may seem like we "have the best of both worlds" (and we do-) but that's not to say that our family is complete. That's between Ryan, myself and God. And in our hearts we know our family isn't complete. So don't be shocked if in a year or so I am -GASP- pregnant again. We are expanding (eventually) and I can guarantee you, I will still be able to give them my time, energy, FOOD (haha- someone actually said "Kids are expensive- you gotta feed them!" REALLY?!?! ), clothing, vacations, good times and precious memories. We will not have the nicest house. We won't drive new cars-ever- (unless we hit the mega millions...which we DO play all the time :) I will continue to coupon and live frugally. Our clothes will continue to be second hand or clearanced down to two bucks :) I am content with my 8 year old Coach purse that has a giant orange bleach stain on it. We have stains and rips and if something is name brand its either been bought by my mom or purchased at a garage sale or consignment shop. The point is, the most important thing on this earth is my family. Whether God gives us the 2 children we have or blesses us with 2 more- they are my world. And will ALWAYS be put first and foremost. And I can guarantee you, they will always, always be loved.

Give me your opinion. Is it right for an "outsider" (be that, your mother, your moms friends, your friends, etc.) to have any sort of a say on the growth or expansion of YOUR family? How many kids is too many? How many kids do you plan on having, and why? If you already do have a large family, how do you handle the comments (that I'm sure you get- because lately, I've noticed people lack a lot of tact: "Are they all yours?") I'd LOVE more than anything to hear your opinions on this... its been weighing on me and I'm interested in hearing what my peers have to say.

Thanks for reading such a heavy vent on a Monday morning. I hope you all have a great week. And I promise, really, really promise- I will get back to my Disney posting...soon. :) For now, its time to go figure out what that giant bang was that just came from Maeves room... hmmm.

No worries- I am not going to go "duggar" on you all :)-I will leave you with that last bit of reassurance. :)

Okay, after reading some comments- I want to make 120% sure that this blog post isn't coming across as though if you choose to only have one or two children, than I think you're wrong- not at all. The ENTIRE POINT of this post is that the number of children in your family doesn't matter to me- and it shouldn't matter to anyone. If you choose to have one, fab. Two? Great. Three? Fine! NO WORRIES. This was a post about how I am thoroughly annoyed by the fact that "outsiders" (meaning those NOT in your immediate CORE family- in my case, RYAN AND I) feel like they should voice an opinion on how many children would make YOUR life easier/better. Make sense??? I hope :) I am really hoping nobody is offended by this post either... yikes... SO NOT MY INTENTION. All my friends are fab moms regardless of the number of kids. I simply want to be able to reproduce without commentary and questioning and opinions. :) There... said my thing. :)


Marathon Mom said...

Take it from a mom with five -- it only gets worse. I have actually has a stranger ask why we HAD charlotte -- clearly we already had plenty to keep our handsful. We have gotten it over the years from strangers and people we know, and yeah -- it totally ticks me off. I remind friends and family that if they don't have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all. Strangers are not fun either, but I don't have to be nearly so polite to them, so over the years I have worked up some good replies. "Are they all yours?" -- I like "No, I left the bad ones at home" (must be said with a straight face. :) ) "Don't you know how that keeps happening?" (warning I was really pregnant and really tired!) "Yes and I'm REALLY good at it. " That usually prevents any follow up questions I promise. ;)

In short, yeah I think it is totally rude, and totally out of line, but sadly most people don't. The only ones that truly tick me off are the people who say things like "you have five dont they just fall out now" "Um. no you ignorant fool. In fact my labor with Charlotte was much worse than my labor with Molly. The body doesn't work like that. But thanks for making such a hideously rude remark. "
For myself, I don't comment on anyone's family size. I don't suggest to my friends with only children that it is "sad" that they don't have siblings (and some people do!) Nor do I comment on big families. (at least not in a negative way) Unless you are like 17 and on your fourth baby, with a fourth baby daddy -- it's not really any of my concern. (and even then I might only say something if I thought you really DIDNT know how it was happening! Unless you were like.. a family member!)

Bright Life said...

The way I see it, is it's not their life! They won't and don't determine your life, or what you do with it, so who cares what they have to say. If your happy, and have the best of both worlds, YAY for you!! Especially if you involve God in all of it....I say the more the marry-er. At least your taking care of your children the best you can, and enjoying it, and not being perfect. Your trying. Your not considering giving your children up for adoption, or aborting if you were pregnant. Your not a druggy, or an alchoholic, or anything (I would assume) go right ahead with TWO more!!! If GOD WANTS IT TO BE...IT WILL BE whether you want it or not!!! Let comments like that go in one ear and out the other, its not worth your time to stress over it.

Jessy Schoch said...
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Jessy Schoch said...
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Becky said...

I only have one right now, so I haven't had any comments except that I look too young to be a mom...ugh. BUT-I think its rude for someone (besides your core family) to offer their opinion on how many kids you should have. Why is it any of their business? You aren't living on welfare, you're providing for who cares? You're the ones that are raising them, not the strangers that are telling you to only have two. :) My opinion is have as many as you want...its not my business or anyone else's.

To answer your question-I'm not sure how many we'll have. Some days I say, one is fine :) Other days, I say I would love three! Really, we're just going to have them and when we feel our family is complete, we'll stop. I'm guessing at least two, maybe three..but if God gives us more (or less) than that's what we're supposed to have. We aren't really planning, just having them until we feel like its time to stop. I don't ask for people's opinions and I'm not going to base my decision off of what other people think.

Like you said, God, Ryan and you make the decision and everyone else needs to support that decision and offer their opinion WHEN ASKED for it! :)

Lyndsay said...

I think it's up to the person and God with how many they should have...if you have the means to support more children then by all means do it! People are just rude and don't realize that everyone is different..if we were all the same, it'd be a boring world!

Eventually Troy and I want to adopt (if we have the funds to do so), like when our children get older. I only want 2 at the moment, but who knows..I might change my mind..I don't know what God has planned for me at the moment :)

You are a great momma and you can see it in your pictures with the way your children smile :)

Sarah said...

Well, I agree with you. I think those people were rude to say the word "ruin" to you. It is totally up to you!! That being said, I don't think it matters if you can provide EVERYTHING for your kids should have anything to do with having more kids. "if you wait until you are financially ready, you will be waiting forever" . I have two, and I got fired three weeks before savannah was born and had to start all over. and yesterday my husband got let go from sometimes the circumstances don't work out like you planned. We use WIC, and without it I could not afford to buy my baby formula!! We have not taken Austin on a vacation yet and he is two, but I don't think its that important to be able to take them every year or twice a year. I think that is a luxury most kids dont get. But, even though I cannot do those things, I can give my kids my whole heart and all my love and teach them everything they need to know. I can make my kids feel like they are the most special kid in the world and teach them to love unconditionally, to be kind and honest and to love God. and thats what should make up the decision of "should we have more". The richest people could be the worst parents and the poorest the best. You see what I mean.

Angie B said...

those people are werid and rude. just forget it. you can do what you want :)

jennifer said...

Oh, the comments. People can be so rude.

They just don't understand. I haven't walked a mile in their shoes and they haven't walked a mile in mine. Thankfully both sides seem to like their shoes the best!

I, too, had the "best of both worlds" with a girl and a boy as our first two. But seriously, now that five are here... which one should I not have had? The one that wants to be a cardiologist and may save lives? The one that brings such joy to his great grandmother that she will fly from Florida to see him? The one that has potential beyond what others see and will do amazing things someday? Which one?

God has a plan. Each of these children are here for a purpose.

For what it's worth, Ashley, those same people have made the same comments to me- so it isn't something personal against you. They just don't understand.

Your little ones are so blessed to have a mama that loves them so completely, who will sacrifice and love and nurture. Try to tune out others' rudeness and know that there are many others out there who do understand. The size of your family is between the two of you and God. You don't have to answer to anyone else.

Kase and Jules said...

You have AS MANY kids as you want Ash!!! You guy's are great parents and wonderful providers! Keep on going girl! You make gorg kids too, so that helps!

Ashley said...

thanks Julie :)