Thursday, March 25, 2010

What I Thought.

---warning--- before you read this, there are a few "controversial" comments. I really don't want any negative feedback. This is a true, honest post. And I want to be able to say what I feel here. Even if that means admitting embarrassing, shameful things.

On February .... 2007, when I read the positive pregnancy test, I thought this was going to be a breeze. I mean everything- I thought the pregnancy would be easy peezy. I thought rearing a child would be even easier. I thought my biggest hurdle would be labor itself. Haha... what I've learned since then!

When I found out how horrible morning sickness was I thought there couldn't possibly be anything worse. And then "morning sickness" became "all-day" sickness. Yes, it got worse. When I made it out of the dreaded first trimester, I thought it would be smooth sailing. That's what I thought.

When I found out at 20 weeks I would be having a girl, I thought "it doesn't get better than this." It does. :)

When I entered my 33rd week of pregnancy, and my heart palpitations started up, I thought "it can't get any worse than this." It does. :)

During my 22 hour labor, in which my first epidural failed and my 2nd was placed too late, I thought "surely, this is the most painful thing I could ever go through." It's not.

When Maeve was born, I thought she was the cutest thing I had ever seen. There was no possible way she could get any cuter. That's what I thought. But she did. :)

When we drove home from the hospital, I thought of all the things I wanted to do with my little girl. Take her to the park, to Disney, to the fairs, to the pool. I thought those would be our funnest, most favorite memories. They're not. :)

Holding Maeve as an infant, I thought of everything I wanted her to be. A ballerina, a gymnast, a doctor. Those are things I thought I wanted for her. Wanted her to be. They're not.

Last March .... 2009, reading THAT positive pregnancy test I thought I was in the middle of a nightmare. I wasn't. :)

For months, I thought "HOW CAN I LOVE THIS BABY LIKE I LOVE MAEVE?" I do. :)

In July, deep in the emergency room, we found out we were going to be parents of a BOY. I thought they were wrong. They weren't. :)

When it was reconfirmed it was a boy, I thought "just my luck...a boy." Little did I know just how lucky I really was.

For the rest of the pregnancy, anytime I found out someone else was having a girl I thought of the little boy growing inside me and wished so hard that he'd come out a "she." Thank God he didn't.

I had many conversations with my good friends and Ryan with how I thought there would be no way I could A.) love another baby as much as I loved Maeve and, B.) love a boy. I did and do both. :)

I thought baby boy clothes were hideous. They aren't. :)

I thought I'd always prefer Maeve to this poor baby. I don't.

At 4:59 PM on November 23rd, when I held Henry in my arms for the first time I thought it wouldn't and couldn't compare to holding Maeve in my arms for the first time. It did. And in ways, surpassed it, because I had such a short labor with Henry. I was much more "with it," which made the experience better.

In the next few days, holding my sweet baby boy, I started tothink of what I wanted him to be. Again, I thought "doctor, lawyer, pilot, pro-soccer player, etc." That's what I thought I wanted for him.

When we brought Henry home, I thought life will never be the same again. And it won't. Thank Jesus for that :)

...So many thoughts of what I THOUGHT I wanted. What I thought I needed. It's funny how what we think we want, is not what we need.

What's the point of this post? (besides using the word "THOUGHT" WAYYYYYY too much?) I need to loosen up my grip and give up control to the One above. This entire time, He has known what I needed. And He continues to know. What prompted me to write this post, is hearing of yet another little one diagnosed with a life threatening condition. I was at the studio yesterday and took the call from the parent- letting me know that their daughter wouldn't be in class because she was being life flighted up to U of M.

I am horrified with my own thoughts back when I was pregnant with Henry of how I thought that was "bad luck." It's sickening to think about now. The love I have for that little man is indescribable. And incomparable. The love I have for him is unique from that of the love I have for Maeve- which isn't any less and isn't any more... just unique- different.

I realize now, labor is the least painful part of having children. What is truly painful is seeing your kids hurt or sick. THAT is pain.

Looking at my two miracles, I want two things for them- and no, its not to be a doctor or a ballerina- its to be healthy and happy. That is ALL I want for them. And that is ALL they (and I) need.

Today, (and everyday since Henry was born) I HONEST TO GOD think to myself, "Does it get better than this?" That is TRULY how good life is right now. I hope that indeed, (although I can't fathom it) we will be blessed with health, happiness and more babies, and yes, it WILL get better than this!

Maeve & Henry- you are my lights. You both are the reason I do everything I do. I wake up with a smile and go to sleep with a smile because you babies are who you are.

Maeve- you aren't quite ballerina material- you don't stand in your place. You don't listen. You cause me to shake my head and say "Dear Lord" about 300000 times a day. But I wouldn't change you for the world. Maybe you're meant to be a sprinter or a wrestler- you're pretty good at that too :)

Henry- you stink. You smell like a boy all day long. No matter how many baths I give you, your head smells like a foot. But its the best smelling foot I've ever smelt :) I love your stinky head and I love your belly laughs. I love how much you enjoy your food and how you look in awe of your big sissy. I love how I can soothe you better than anyone. And I love that you have a wee wee. Thank GOD you have a wee wee :) You're my boy. And I would never, EVER change that for a second.

Life is good- no, its great. And I praise Him for that. I praise Him for that- and for not giving me what I thought I wanted. :)


Angie B said...

I love it and i dont see anythning controversial lol and i cant wait to have another baby and experience the 2 different kinds of love also :)

Ashley said...

thanks Angie :) It's hard for me to read (and think) about how much I did NOT want a boy... so I guess that's why I was thinking people might think I'm a horrible person for thinking that way :(

Nicole said...

OH what a great post! LOVE IT! Its so true how things you think are so "awful" end up being the opposite. You have some great thoughts there, and many I can relate to!

Ashley said...

thanks Nicole :)

jennifer said...

Isn't it amazing that He always knows better than us? I thought I didn't want to have kids (really!)... hahahaha... get a good laugh out of that one!

I talked to Hannah's dad yesterday and she is home. The whole thing is very scary, but it sounds like everything is stabilized. God can really be seen in how that all unfolded, too.

Leslie Collins said...

love this.

i always wondered how i could love another as much as reyna and the love is so different, but the same. it's just different.

what a great post. :) i hope the little girl is going to be okay. my thoughts and prayers are with her family.

and you are right, labor is actually the less painful part.

Emilie said...

what a great post! and you are right, there are differences between what we want, and what we think we need rather than what we truly need and for what God has planned!

Dominica said...

Girl, lighten up on yourself...I never wanted boys at all and God bless me with three of gives us what we need. You are toooo funny.Btw boys...idk they always have that.....idk what to call odor lol