---warning--- before you read this, there are a few "controversial" comments. I really don't want any negative feedback. This is a true, honest post. And I want to be able to say what I feel here. Even if that means admitting embarrassing, shameful things.
On February .... 2007, when I read the positive pregnancy test, I thought this was going to be a breeze. I mean everything- I thought the pregnancy would be easy peezy. I thought rearing a child would be even easier. I thought my biggest hurdle would be labor itself. Haha... what I've learned since then!
When I found out how horrible morning sickness was I thought there couldn't possibly be anything worse. And then "morning sickness" became "all-day" sickness. Yes, it got worse. When I made it out of the dreaded first trimester, I thought it would be smooth sailing. That's what I thought.
When I found out at 20 weeks I would be having a girl, I thought "it doesn't get better than this." It does. :)
When I entered my 33rd week of pregnancy, and my heart palpitations started up, I thought "it can't get any worse than this." It does. :)
During my 22 hour labor, in which my first epidural failed and my 2nd was placed too late, I thought "surely, this is the most painful thing I could ever go through." It's not.
When Maeve was born, I thought she was the cutest thing I had ever seen. There was no possible way she could get any cuter. That's what I thought. But she did. :)
When we drove home from the hospital, I thought of all the things I wanted to do with my little girl. Take her to the park, to Disney, to the fairs, to the pool. I thought those would be our funnest, most favorite memories. They're not. :)
Holding Maeve as an infant, I thought of everything I wanted her to be. A ballerina, a gymnast, a doctor. Those are things I thought I wanted for her. Wanted her to be. They're not.
Last March .... 2009, reading THAT positive pregnancy test I thought I was in the middle of a nightmare. I wasn't. :)
For months, I thought "HOW CAN I LOVE THIS BABY LIKE I LOVE MAEVE?" I do. :)
In July, deep in the emergency room, we found out we were going to be parents of a BOY. I thought they were wrong. They weren't. :)
When it was reconfirmed it was a boy, I thought "just my luck...a boy." Little did I know just how lucky I really was.
For the rest of the pregnancy, anytime I found out someone else was having a girl I thought of the little boy growing inside me and wished so hard that he'd come out a "she." Thank God he didn't.
I had many conversations with my good friends and Ryan with how I thought there would be no way I could A.) love another baby as much as I loved Maeve and, B.) love a boy. I did and do both. :)
I thought baby boy clothes were hideous. They aren't. :)
I thought I'd always prefer Maeve to this poor baby. I don't.
At 4:59 PM on November 23rd, when I held Henry in my arms for the first time I thought it wouldn't and couldn't compare to holding Maeve in my arms for the first time. It did. And in ways, surpassed it, because I had such a short labor with Henry. I was much more "with it," which made the experience better.
In the next few days, holding my sweet baby boy, I started tothink of what I wanted him to be. Again, I thought "doctor, lawyer, pilot, pro-soccer player, etc." That's what I thought I wanted for him.
When we brought Henry home, I thought life will never be the same again. And it won't. Thank Jesus for that :)
...So many thoughts of what I THOUGHT I wanted. What I thought I needed. It's funny how what we think we want, is not what we need.
What's the point of this post? (besides using the word "THOUGHT" WAYYYYYY too much?) I need to loosen up my grip and give up control to the One above. This entire time, He has known what I needed. And He continues to know. What prompted me to write this post, is hearing of yet another little one diagnosed with a life threatening condition. I was at the studio yesterday and took the call from the parent- letting me know that their daughter wouldn't be in class because she was being life flighted up to U of M.
I am horrified with my own thoughts back when I was pregnant with Henry of how I thought that was "bad luck." It's sickening to think about now. The love I have for that little man is indescribable. And incomparable. The love I have for him is unique from that of the love I have for Maeve- which isn't any less and isn't any more... just unique- different.
I realize now, labor is the least painful part of having children. What is truly painful is seeing your kids hurt or sick. THAT is pain.
Looking at my two miracles, I want two things for them- and no, its not to be a doctor or a ballerina- its to be healthy and happy. That is ALL I want for them. And that is ALL they (and I) need.
Today, (and everyday since Henry was born) I HONEST TO GOD think to myself, "Does it get better than this?" That is TRULY how good life is right now. I hope that indeed, (although I can't fathom it) we will be blessed with health, happiness and more babies, and yes, it WILL get better than this!
Maeve & Henry- you are my lights. You both are the reason I do everything I do. I wake up with a smile and go to sleep with a smile because you babies are who you are.
Maeve- you aren't quite ballerina material- you don't stand in your place. You don't listen. You cause me to shake my head and say "Dear Lord" about 300000 times a day. But I wouldn't change you for the world. Maybe you're meant to be a sprinter or a wrestler- you're pretty good at that too :)
Henry- you stink. You smell like a boy all day long. No matter how many baths I give you, your head smells like a foot. But its the best smelling foot I've ever smelt :) I love your stinky head and I love your belly laughs. I love how much you enjoy your food and how you look in awe of your big sissy. I love how I can soothe you better than anyone. And I love that you have a wee wee. Thank GOD you have a wee wee :) You're my boy. And I would never, EVER change that for a second.
Life is good- no, its great. And I praise Him for that. I praise Him for that- and for not giving me what I thought I wanted. :)