never in a million years.

I had some quiet time today;  Maeve and Henry both started VBS camp this week (more on that later;).  And it turns out when Stella's the only kid at home she gladly entertains herself in brothers room.  (suuuuhhh-weeeet!)

I'm not entirely sure how I even got onto this train of thought... oh wait- I remember;  As I was dropping Henry off at VBS (his first time away EVER- aside from Sunday school) I scrambled my whale of a body around the sanctuary, trying to find his leaders to introduce myself.  In other words, I was that ONE, crazy, over-the-top mom who can't leave her kid without making a production out of it. 

I found his leaders and made sure Henry knew their names and as he scooted in the row next to his camp mates, I took a second to um, "chat" with one of the teachers. 

"Hey. I'm Henry's mom.  And we homeschool, so this is literally his first experience like this.  I'm kind of nervous about leaving him and I know the front has my number and everything but I just wanted to make sure you have it too.  And I wanted to let you know he has some speech issues so if you can't understand him, well... I don't know I can't even understand him sometimes.  Oh and he's newly potty trained.  Well not newly, but ya know- he's not 100% reliable, especially if he gets immersed in something.  So I brought him extra shorts and undies.  But if he has an accident just call me.  And also, my mom? Her name is Lori Ladwig. She's helping out in another group and make sure you grab her too.  Do you need her group name?"

---blank look---

"I think he'll be fine!"


Right... cheeks glow red, I snatch up Stella and get out of there before they can pin me down to administer a sedative.

Okay, NEVER in a million years did I think I would be THAT mom.  I've seen it and rolled my eyes at it far too often over my 10-something years of teaching gymnastics.  I've had the most insane conversations with moms who need me to know this or that about their kid and its always just annoyed me.  "Like, okay lady.  You're leaving for an hour.  I know your normally sit in class and watch like a hawk.  But we have all of your information, she does fine every week.  She'll be fine today."

So what the heck?  I don't want to be an annoying mom and have these VBS youngins rolling their eyes when they see me hustling in. 

But what I never accounted for, was the trueness of this quote: 
  "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

These kids, that may look like totally normal kids to you, let me tell you, they're not.  In fact, they are my own raw, bleeding heart, over and over again.  And if I have to be annoying and over protective to make sure my heart stays intact, so be it.

When I was pregnant with Maeve I spent a lot of the pregnancy crying (go figure!!).  We were building a house, and I'd often cop out with the excuse that I wanted to go look at the progress of it, when really I wanted (or rather, needed) to be alone and cry.  I can't remember the actual reason behind every cry fest, but they mostly stemmed along the lines of something happening to Maeve. 

I'd walk the skeleton of the house, trying to squeeze through the wooden spaces (that were made for insulation, clearly not pregnant ladies...) and imagine myself in the finished house with a daughter.  A pink room, with flowers, and pretty clothes. Cookies always baking.  Fresh, hot laundry waiting to be folded, giving off that awesome smell.  And there she was, always; smiling, looking at me.  I literally (and figuratively) built this house in my mind that was perfection.  It would be our personal padded bubble away from the ugliness of the world.  Nothing bad could or would ever happen as long as I had her.

 That whole beautiful isolation, bubble theory quickly popped as soon as she was born.  Thus sending me into a year long battle with extreme anxiety and depression.

Two kids and 5 later, I'm still scratching my head, looking at the other moms who "do it all!"  Wondering, how I can be the mom I want to be.  The mom I expect myself to be.  And I guess that's the point of this story/post.  The continual art of coming to peace with who I am as a mom realistically; major anxiety issues, burnt dinners, huge piles of laundry, etc. etc..

Never in a million years did I picture myself as that mom.  But also, never in a million years did I picture a love like this. 

Motherhood is the definition of  "unexpected." 

And though the unknown terrifies me, we'll keep walking it.  I may not be the smoothest at this whole ride, but its okay.  Because these little loves, my heartbeats,  are worth it all.

Thank You Lord for blessing me over, and over, and over (and over) again!  And thank You for helping me get through each day the best I can.  It's not always the prettiest or easiest, but You always deliver.