I am blogging.
To be honest, I haven't even looked at this blog for a couple of months. Not because of anything in particular, but simply because I've been exhausted, over-extended, etc. etc.
I logged on today and cringed. TWO months of our lives... not blogged.
And I'm not even sure where to start at this point.
Well, yeah I do.
I'm preggo. Again. For the 4th (and final) time.
How did this happen??? haha :) Yes, I've been asked that question already... or rather its been slapped in my face, "You do know how this happens, right?"
What an idiotic question.
Anywho, I know exactly how it happened. And any youngin's out there- or ladies in general who do not wish to be with child, remember, it takes ONE time. Haha! And that's all I'll say about that.
We are excited. Scared to death. But excited.
We wanted four, always have. Actually, back in the day before I completely lost my mind, I think I wanted 5 or 6. Luckily, reality splashed some cold water on me and I am feeling perfect with four.
I'm going to be honest, because I strive for honesty on this blog (no matter how embarrassing it may be). It was January 1st. I had just paid for and downloaded a weight loss app on my phone. I had a vacation to Sanibel Island planned out for our anniversary in July. I was in the middle of reorganizing my photography business. Henry was becoming potty trained, and I breathed a sigh of relief, "only ONE in diapers!" I had three kids mastered. If need be, I could have three little beings bathed, dressed, fed and out the door in 30 minutes. Basically, I was good. I was comfortable. Cozy, in fact.
And then I realized something wasn't quite right.
After dinner one night, without telling Ryan what I was getting, I made a trip to the dollar store. On my way I was stopped at a light, a church on my right hand side. The marquee read "If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." And I knew then. I just knew.
The two lines confirmed it later that night. I gave Ryan the test and said in tears, "I don't know how we're going to do this right now, but you've got to figure it out." And then retreated to my bed, and under the covers.
We live in a 3 bedroom condo with elderly neighbors on each side of us. We're like packed sardines. We have a rustastic van that smells like diapers. Every penny of our budget is stretched to the max. And my gosh, I AM tired.
I breastfed Stella for over a year, and was really looking forward to having my body back and to myself for a bit.
In hindsight, I KNOW these are silly reasons to be upset. But in the moment, I was sick with worry.
And as always, God sends someone or something, to show me the light. In this case, it was a good friend who found out she was pregnant... at that same appointment she also found out she had stage four breast cancer. Now that, my friends is a reason to be upset. That is a reason to cry. And watching her handle it with this unreal strength and grace, just hit me. Perspective at its finest. (And I am filled with joy saying this, my friend is kicking cancer BUTT and having a beautiful, healthy baby girl!!!)
Fast forward to today. I am 18 weeks and some odd days. I am feeling good. I haven't gained a pound thanks to morning sickness, but I can feel the intense pregnancy hunger starting to flare up.
I'm tired, yes. Running after 3 little ones and having preggo hormones coursing through me makes for an exhausting day. But I'm doing it.
The excitement of having another baby, completing our family, is here and in full force. We're having a blast talking names with Maeve (she's got some good ones!). And we're thrilled to NOT be finding out what the gender of this one is! Last babe, we gotta go out with a big (surprise) bang!
Bottom line is, we are so very blessed.
With each day, I've become more confident in myself, in Ryan and in our family unit. We can do this. We will do this. And its going to be freaking awesome.
I've got a million more things to write about, but I'll save them for another night.
Thanks for reading, and catching up on our growing family! We love you :)
(baby rump roast at 6 weeks)