I took a lot of pictures because it was a good, event filled week.
And then I watched this awful (not awful, but in fact incredibly important and inspiring) telethon event called Stand Up 2 Cancer. And now I'm a mush pile. All I really want to do is gather my kids and hold them, hear their steady breathing, feel their warm skin and squeeze them tight enough, as if that could keep them here forever. My anxiety is up and my mind is going through made up scenarios that are terrifying realities for many parents.
Our God, He promises eternal life, healing and peace to all who believe. On this earth, with our babies sometimes feeling like they're on the end of a fraying rope I have to hold onto this. My kids, thanks be to God, are healthy and here. I can go through the "what if's" and drive myself into a hole of morbid thoughts, but this is not God's way or desire for me (or you). These are fears and anxieties that are not of Him. And its delighting the evil one at this very moment as I type ferociously, trying to expell the anxiety from my head and out onto the computer screen.
I have friends and family who have lost kids to cancer or other illnesses. There aren't words; none that I can come up with anyway. Just a flickering faith that God is in control. I wish my "flicker" would and will grow into a constant blazing flame. Some days it is (blazing). Some days its not. And no matter how many times I pray over my kids, I still have a hard time trusting in Him to keep them safe. I trust in Him, I DO. But the fears of the world weasel their way into my blazing flame, causing the flicker effect.
Tonight, after watching the telethon and hearing this song and reading this blog my anxiety and fears have been stirred.
My first instinct was to gather up each one of my beautiful babes, snuggle them in bed, kiss them, feel them, because I can. Because they're here. And while the actual act of snuggling, kissing and loving on my kids isn't a bad thing to do, by any means, my deep reasoning is to feel some gain of control. Like if I watch her sleep, I'll be able to thwart off any lurking danger. Or if I hold him enough, I'll ensure a long happy, blissful life for us. And that's not a reality that I (or you) can live in. Reality is, no matter how many kisses, snuggles or watchful sleeps, we have no control. I hate even typing that out, but its the truth my friends. And its a lesson I struggle with every. single. day.
So. I will save our exciting week for another post. And tonight I'll give thanks for what God has given us. And pray for those parents who have walked through my nightmares.
Please be with my kids tonight as they sleep. Send your angels to surround them, standing guard over them as they sleep. You are a great God and are holding us in Your hand, always. Thank You for that. I need to feel Your hands on me. I need to feel Your peace. Let me be at peace with Your will. Help me live in the moment You're giving me right now. And thank You for the ultimate sacrifice, so that even in the world's darkest of nights, we have the promise of life.
In Your sons name,
Kiss your babies, because you love them. Because He's given them to us right now. And then go to sleep, with hope and peace. Because we have an awesome God who is in control and has great plans for our lives.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11