Monday, September 6, 2010

Gone, Going, Gone.

((yet another Jack Johnson song))

Its Monday... on Thursday, the 9th, Maeve, Henry and I will be going to Florida. I am having a lot of mixed feelings about this trip. On one hand, I think... warmth, beach, family time, great photo opps, good food, etc. On the other hand I think... losing my mind on the plane, having an emotional breakdown of some sort, not having a husband around to help, packing ((BLAHH)), sleeping in one room (all 3 of us...ehhh), diving headfirst into a very stressful situation in Florida... eyeyeyeyeye....

Today I actually called my dad and tested the waters by asking "Ummmm what do you think would happen if we switched our flights to November?"

Yeah- I am just THAT not set on going.

The plane ride alone gives me enough anxiety that I want to bury myself in a hole with a good supply of klonopin. I don't like flying to begin with. Flying solo with two kids is just plain stupid. Really- don't do it. I've done it before, and have come off the plane, sweating, crying and shaking my head thinking "NEVER AGAIN. NEVER, EVER AGAIN." And yet, here I sit ((ALONE)) with plane tickets in my hand for Thursday.

I suppose this trip isn't about me though. And that's what its kind of coming down to. It's about my mom & dad... its about the kids. I will throw myself into the pits of airplane hell for 2 hours and 40 minutes in order to give my family a few days of bliss... because I am just so unselfish in that way :) HA....

This morning at breakfast, I asked Ryan how he thought I should handle the flights- meaning, should I check the carseats or carry them on? Should I bring the double stroller or single stroller and wear Henry in the moby, etc. He tried his very hardest to not smile and say "You're screwed" but after a couple of throat clearings, he just started laughing.

I should note that when booking these tickets, Ryan was supposed to be going with us- shortly after the tickets were bought, he told me there was no way he could take work off. Mmmhmmm... FAB!

But alas, I've started packing (meaning, yeah, I'm really going)... I think I've surrendered- surrendered to the stress, the tears, the stares, the inconveniences, everything.... siiiiiiiiiiighhh.

The title of this post "Gone, Going, Gone" is yes, a ((GREAT)) Jack Johnson song- but it also explains my current status to a "T." For the longest time now I've been trying SO HARD to grip onto some sort of "normalcy"- trying to get into the swing of things, trying to settle... and I've got to just let it go. LET IT GO. This is my new normal... my parents aren't here- they're there. In order to have a relationship with them, I will have to fly to Florida, alone, every other month or so to visit. Packing and unpacking, saying hellos and goodbyes. Being unsettled, uncomfortable, out of whack- whatever you want to call it. I don't know if it will get easier... I can't see it getting easier because just last Christmas I saw my mom and grandma doing their goodbyes at the airport-it was sad, uncomfortable and lonely- and they've had 20-some years to perfect them. I don't think it gets any easier to say goodbye and be separated.

SO... this will be the first of many (MANY) trips to Florida as a visitor of my parents. I really have no desire to see their new home, Alec's new school, my dad's new workplace, their new life. I don't want to see our old plates and cups in new cupboards... I don't want to see those dumb dogs in their new environment. I'd rather take the comfortable way out and avoid it all.

But like I said before, suitcases are being packed... and I'm gone, going. booooo.

Please say prayers for safe travels and my sanity. :)

1 comment:

Kase and Jules said...

You are insaaaaane!!! But good luck :) Man, we are so alike in our way of thinking...kills me!