Alrighty... if you follow me on IG, you've seen a bunch of food pics. I'm on one of those life highs right now. I have a lot of hope. And that's such a precious thing. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was hopeLESS. Filled with nothing but a lot of fear and anxiety, guilt and pity.
One can only muddle around for so long I guess. Because randomly I decided I was done with feeding into whatever this (this being MS, or just a neurogenic bladder or WHATEVER) is.
I felt like crap.
Since my first foley leg bag was placed in February I've gained 14 lbs. Yep. That's disgusting.
I had cried almost every day, for a good percentage of the days. I pulled myself out of my sisters wedding, cancelled anything I could, stayed in my room while babysitters (Tiffany, my mom and sisters, Ryan's parents) watched the kids. I mean it was a dark. Dark, dark, dark. I will give myself credit though; its hard to be happy with a catheter in. So in a way, I feel like I DID have the right to be upset and grieve for the loss of my bladder function... but I let it get away from me.
14 lbs later, here I sit. No better, just worse for putting crap into my body and depending on the hundreds of pills that were pushed at me.
Soooooo... the come to Jesus moment- last week- sometime, it happened and thank GOD it did.
I have a good friend, Joy, who's been talking about the paleo diet with me. Honestly (no offense here Joy!) but during those dark days I wanted to throw my phone out the window. I didn't want to hear about diets or anything. I wanted to dwell in pity city (best phrase ever used Misty...;)
But after seeing the light, I was intrigued about the paleo diet amongst other things.
The first thing I did was meet with my neurologist and my PCP. I told them both I was done with this journey. No spinal tap, no more pain meds... I'm just done. They're awesome docs and I think it was the answer they wanted to hear. They both agreed and said right now the only issue I should be focusing on is my bladder.... and guess what? Right now, I have that under control because I know how to self cath. I am like a self cathing- NINJA. So, BOOM.
The next step was figuring out how to get back on the healthy train. I missed my oils so badly. Missed my ritual of lining them up every morning, filling my capsules and feeling them nourish my cells. That was the first thing I did; chucked out some pill for " UTI maintenance" and made a capsule of oregano, juniper and fennel- all wonderful oils to cleanse the kidneys. Step one, DONE. I think I already felt better.
The next morning, I did my old oil thing- I think there are 13 or so I take? Anyways- lined them all up, filled my 2 capsules, chugged my bottle of water and cooked steel cut oats. I hadn't eaten steel cut oats in forever. That's my go-to breakfast. It fills me up, gives me energy and makes me feel like I'm ready. I had been skipping breakfast during the "dark days"- opting to sleep instead.
Then I think I texted Joy and asked her what I need to buy for the paleo diet. She sent me tons of great info and I went on a shopping spree.
And then she told me my oats were a no-no.
So I reconsidered.... am I really paleo??? Could I really do that? Hmm...
Then I went a few days eating only fruits and veggies; felt fine- nothing wrong with that. And I found a TON of amazing recipes- I mean you can basically make anything from fruits and veggies. Brownies, even FLAN. (which I made Saturday night.. mmmm:).
Then I decided to hardcore detox the crap out of my body and went on "watermelon island" for a day. It was interesting- felt good (ate only watermelon & water for a day). Felt full, etc.
Today, I hesitate to put myself into any category. So how about this: I am CLEAN eating.
I am eating fruits and veggies like there's no tomorrow. I'm starting out the day with a giant slab of watermelon and mango. If I still feel hungry I make a bowl of steel cut oats.
For lunch I've been juicing.
For snacks, its been piles of veggies, blue corn chips and hummus. Well, today it was bananas with sunflower butter and cacao powder. OMG.
What I'm trying to get at is.... I'm not putting myself into any ONE category. I'm just being healthy. I'm making healthful choices. I am FUELING my body instead of sabotaging it. I'm choosing to give it things to work with; whole, unprocessed foods.
So that's the "diet" or whatever I'm on. I juice, I eat a ton of watermelon (like literally one a day maybe???), ... I DO drink coffee (that's a paleo no-no) and I have my oats.
All in all, I feel pretty darn good. For the first time in WEEKS, I was able to go to Paneras on Monday and work on the computer- I stayed focus; no tears, no wandering thoughts, no "woe is me" crap. Just worked. And then cathed myself and then worked again. Then went grocery shopping and came home to my kids.
This is life. It's different than the one I had prior to the neurological issues, but I'm folding, molding myself with it. Fitting into the grooves and creases without kicking and screaming. Accepting what is, and getting up every morning.
I am good enough. I am good enough to have cute clothes and look pretty.
I am good enough to be a mother to my kids.
I am good enough to be a wife to the most amazing husband ever.
I am good enough to be in my sisters wedding (though I won't throw her all off and re-insert myself- haha- no worries Meghan!)
I am good enough to sit down with anyone and feel just as "normal" as them. Yeah I cath myself. Yep, I might have MS. You bet these things scare me and you're right; they're tiring and wearing. But they're not me.
Me is good enough.
I am doing an official diet/detox thingy in August. I was going to start it today but figured I should probably do it myself for a few weeks before directing other people.. haha :D
So August, at some point, I'll have a private event on facebook; I don't know the details or how long it will last.. but I hope you'll join me!
The only requirements are an open mind to try new things, a few oils (peppermint, lemon, frank, ginger, fennel, slique, clove... ) um more than a few oils. But I can work with ya. Just shoot me a message and we'll get things figured out.
;) Thanks for sticking with me... through the good, the bad, the ugly, and back to the good.
Life is nuts sometimes, right?