Monday, June 18, 2012

its too late.

My eyes are heavy as I sit here trying to think of everything I want to write.

All I feel capable of doing is watching ID with a blank stare.

We had an awesome, incredible weekend. I think my mom really made her mark here in St. Augustine with her killer show. And fathers day was one of the best, carefree days we've had in awhile. There were lots of pictures snapped, capturing our memories for a lifetime.

This morning came abruptly; too harsh. I knew it was coming, but it didn't make the day any less strange and crappy. My sister Emily, loaded her car and started the drive back to Michigan... where she'll stay. It sucks. And I hate the word sucks. But it really does (suck). We grew close over this past year, and its hard to see her go. But what's harder is seeing my kids cry because "auntie em" is gone.  And to be honest, I'm hurt.  I'm hurt and frustrated.

 Along with Emily's departure, my parents (who, GOD WILLING, will be back, :) took off for the week as well. They're going on a cruise to the Keys and Bahamas.

Our family leaves for the mitten tomorrow. But just for 7 days.

 I have so many different thoughts and feelings about our "old life" in Michigan.  I feel like I need to be tossed in a colander and strained.  I threw up a status on facebook tonight about missing my palm tree paradise while we're in Michigan; I don't want anyone to think that I have abandoned the dirty J, or the many amazing people in it :)

Rather, I myself, am not at peace with that town and everything that happened in it.  No worries,  I'm not going to go there tonight.   I'll just say that for my family and I, it holds a lot of ghosts.

I called my (other) sister Meghan up a few days ago, crying.  I was in a half panic attack as I described my fears and anxieties about returning to Michigan.  She is so wise.  She gave me this awesome pep talk about putting on the armor of God, having an army of 1000 angels and the holding the peace that passes all understanding.  I keep reflecting on that talk as we pack and prepare to leave our safe place.

I hope this post makes sense.  It's probably one I should keep as a draft, rather than throw out into the world. 

But I know my close friends and family will "get" this and understand.  And I guess that's my goal.

I truly, truly am excited for all of my photo sessions; seriously- I am ready to ROLL!  And I cannot wait to hug my LES again!  And meet Jess's baby Kate!   I've got a (short) to-do list while in Jackson, that includes taking the kids to the falls (because duh, that's what you do in the summer) and finding a farm to take some pictures on.  Florida lacks in the farm department.  I want to see big old barns.  And fields. 

And after 7 days of barns, fields and farms , I want to be back in my little nest of palm trees.  Right where I belong.

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