Saturday, October 11, 2008

So This Is How It Went...

One year ago to the day, our lives were forever changed. At 3 AM on the dot, my heart, my soul, my life, was born- in the package of a tiny 6 lb. 9oz. baby girl. She was perfect. I remember smelling her and thinking "how can I make sure she smells like this forever?" Her smell was comepletely pure, brand new and sweet. Holding her in my arms, looking down at God's miracle I thought "She is here and she is mine." Oh the possibilities! A brand new, perfect life- capable of anything-Would she be a dancer like my mom? A gymnast like me? A pianist? A violinist? A figure skater? A doctor? There were endless dreams and goals that raced through my mind. When I was pregnant, I had the attitude that "whatever she is destined to be is perfect for me." But as I held her and examined her- her perfection, 10 tiny fingers, 10 even teenier toes, the dimples in her back, the "angel kiss" on her lower hip, her innocent eyes, I couldn't help but think, "This girl is going to do great things- her fingers were long and skinny- perfect for the piano. Her tiny body, I thought would most definitely allow her to excell in gymnastics. And of course the look in her eyes told me that she was a strong willed, smart little cookie."
The time in the hospital was like a dream- (not like a dream in the sense that it was wonderful and carefree) but a dream- like it wasn't real. Looking back on it, I can only remember little details and moments. Strange details, like waking up and ordering french toast and cranberry juice every morning for breakfast. And looking in the mirror after I gave birth and actually smiling and saying outloud "I DID IT." But strangely, I don't remember spending a lot of time with Maeve- it seemed as though she was being held by everyone BUT me. I kept thinking I would get my moment with her, but as time passed, I was getting worried that she didn't know that I was her mom, that I was the one who just went through 20 some hours of labor and 10 months of pregnancy to get her into this world. But God is good, and one night, I got my moment- it was just me and Ryan in the room, Ryan was sleeping. I was holding my girl and watching some scary movie (it was around halloween time...). Maeve was snoozing away and I was about half asleep myself- but theres a rule at foote hospital- you can't sleep with your baby in the bed. So I was literally prying my eyelids open with my fingers because I didn't want to put her down. And just then, Maeve stirred- she opened her eyes blinked a few times, took a good long look at me and snuggled right back down to sleep. I remember getting very weepy- I thought "she knows its me!!!" She can feel and hear my heartbeat and she knows its me!" From that moment on, Maeve became my one and only. Yes, Ryan is my love and will always be my love. But Maeve is the reason I do everything. She is the reason I strive to be a better person. She is the reason I get up at the crack of dawn and make her waffles (they're her fave.) She is the reason I scrimp and save every penny so she can have the best we can afford. She is the source of my happiness and the light of my life.
You see, before Maeve, life was good- I was married to the most wonderful husband a girl could ask for. Life was easy, simple, good. But as soon as I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test a new layer, a new depth was added to our "simple lives." I couldn't have known it back then, that I would fall head over heels in love with this child- I mean I knew I would love her, but I didn't understand the KIND of love I would have for her.
Now here we are, one year to the day, my husband is working hard at putting together all of Maeves new birthday presents so they'll be up and running for her in the morning. And here I sit, blubbering about my love obsession with my daughter. To be honest, I never, EVER knew you could love someone so much. But you can, and you do- the moment you hear that cry, see your child, feel the weight of your baby on your chest, that love is there- and its intense and the most real, strongest love there is. This child of mine, could do ANYTHING- commit murder- and I would love her to the ends of the earth. She has me- she has her daddy too :) There is nothing she could ever tell me, or do that would make me love her less. She owns my heart, she is my purpose in life.
Today was surprisngly very sad for me. It marked a year of having Maeve here, but it also marked a year that is gone. I can't ever have my Maeve back in her teeny tiny preemie clothes. I can't breastfeed her, I can't put her in the bassinet, I can't swaddle her and hold her for hours like I used to. I now have a toddler- an independent, full of personality toddler. It completely blows my mind! This is why, I think that my mother continued to have children. It is extremely sad watching your baby grow up. Don't get me wrong- its exciting as heck watching her learn new things everyday, but gosh I miss my newborn!
Anyhow, her birthday was wonderful. Full of memories of last year- (I kept thinking..."Its 11 P.M., at this time last year I was getting an epidural." We all had a great day- full of Maeve. What more could we ask for?

I will end this post by thanking the One who has given her to us. The One who blessed us in more ways than I thought were ever possible. I pray that He gives us a full life of our Maeve- I am excited to see the child she will be- the pictures she will draw and bring home to display proudly on our fridge. The woman she will become, the wife, the mother in her.

Motherhood is completely amazing- I never thought it was possible to be this happy, this content, this peaceful. The Lord has truly blessed us. And we pray that He will bless us again, and again (and maybe again :) with more children.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl :) Momma and Daddy love you more than life itself...


Barney Family said...

So wonderful post! I cried a little reading it...thinking about what you said and how I am going to hold a tiny baby in my arms soon... :)

Allison said...

I love this post! I am so choke up....very nicely put. :)