Just When You Think All is Safe...

OMG I swear I might lose my mind. Maeve can figure out how to get into anything and everything and make the most "safe" item in the house a weapon. This kid is scary.

Let me start by saying that I THOUGHT we had the house pretty kid-proofed. Safety locks on all the drawers in the kitchen & bathroom... gates for the basement stairs and our bedroom... all meds up in the cabinets... ya know, its your normal run of the mill house with kids. Lately, Maeve has been defying our baby-safe efforts though. She somehow can find ways to get into trouble. This morning has by far been the most dangerous and heart stopping moment for me and I'm still shaking from it.

I was feeding Henry in the living room- the gates were up- she ONLY had access to her room and the baby's room (and the living room of course- but I was in there to watch her.) I am pretty meticulous when it comes to what is in hers & Henry's room because I know that when I'm nursing, I'm stuck and Maeve has access to whatever is in those two rooms. I was confident it was all toys, books, stuffed animals- we don't even keep anything on Henry's changing table- just diapers and wipes- no creams, baby powder, etc. WELL. This morning, Maeve took down this hanging wall sign- YES- it was HANGING on the wall (don't ask me how she managed to get this thing down). I heard her banging around in her room and I kept shouting "Maeve come see Momma!" Of course she didn't- the banging continued. I figured she was throwing books around or pulling toys out of her bins. Two minutes later I hear her SCREAMING- to hear Maeve screaming is pretty normal- anytime she's frustrated with something she screams bloody murder... and that's exactly what it sounded like- she was frustrated with a puzzle piece or couldn't get something out of a bin. Then she comes flying into the living room with the wall sign twisted around her neck- TIGHT. I whipped Henry off, and got her untangled as fast as I could. HOLY COW. Probably the scariest moment of my mothering life?!?! Her poor little neck has a red mark around it- every time I ask to look at it to see how its doing I get the shivers. How quickly something can happen! So the wall sign is going in the trash. And I am now as paranoid as you can get- I might have to stick her in her high chair with some play-doh or a puzzle during every nursing session because I just can't trust the kid to not find something to get into trouble with...


The wall sign... now in the trash.

Hard days & Harder nights.

It has been rough around here lately! Maeve is not just A handful- she is TWO handfuls. I can't look down for a minute (just to be clear I am looking down right now as I type this- but she is "napping.") without pure destruction or chaos happening. It's making me incredibly nervous to add a second one into the mix. Here are a few issues we've been having lately. ANY HELP WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!

-throwing her food on the floor (a HUGE ONE!)

-not saying please or thank you (although she CLEARLY can- the girl says "octopus" and she says please occasionally- but it has to be on her own terms- if you ASK her to say please or thank you she will NOT DO IT.)

-hitting, kicking, slapping, grabbing, etc.

-complete defiance- for example- she will go to her book shelf and just start pulling piles of books out. When I say "Maeve no- one at a time" she briefly stops- looks at me and then continues with the madness.

-I've been trying time outs as a form of discipline- (I don't want to yell or grab or smack her- out of fear it will condone that behavior even more) so I try to keep my voice really calm but firm and then sticking her in her high chair, wheeling it into the middle of the kitchen and then leaving her there for a minute or two. She thinks its a game. WTH?

-everything- and I MEAN EVERYTHING is a battle. From bath time, to bed time, changing her diapers, getting her dressed, brushing her hair- its all a fight. She screams, throws tantrums....

Well i think that about sums up our issues- any ideas??? :)

Also- I took her into the doc. yesterday afternoon because she's been waking up in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep unless she's in our bed and she's had a dose of motrin. Why motrin you ask? Because she isn't just up for 10-15 minutes- she is up for on average, 2-3 HOURS. And finally after exhausting every effort to get her to go back to sleep, we try motrin, thinking she might have an ear ache or headache, or something physically wrong that is preventing her from sleeping. Good news & bad news I guess at the doc- good news- she is fine- bad news- there is NOTHING we can do at this point to help her sleep better. We just have to bite the bullet and know that 2-3 hours out of most nights (about 5 nights a week) one of us will be up with her. BLAAAAAH. THIS IS HARD!!!!

Oh- something else I've been meaning to ask/update with is about this BRUISE on Maeve. It's a disappearing bruise- its there one day and gone the next- always in the same spot (the small of her back) and we've noticed this bruise for about a year now- YES, A YEAR. I had taken her in for it around November or so, was told that it was fine- no big deal and it looked like it was healing. (I wanted to say, "yes doctor the problem is it heals and then comes right back- in the SAME EXACT spot!) To say the least its freaking me out! So yesterday when I took Maeve in to get her ears checked I also asked about the bruise. I reminded Dr. Williams that I had asked her about this months ago and that's how long it has been an issue. She told me that they usually worry about a bruise that won't heal- so since her's heals and then comes back, she must be getting a new bruise every few days. My question is "HOW???????????" I've checked everything she sits in on a regular basis- her high chair, stroller, carseat- there is nothing that is sticking out that could cause a bruise. I KNOW for a fact she does not fall on her back every few days! So WHAT is causing this??? Anyone have any ideas on this??? It's not a big bruise- its about the size of a dime... and its always a browny-yellow color. Strange huh?

just call me miss wishy washy :)

I cannot make up my mind for the life of me. It's not only getting on my nerves, but its really driving the people around me a bit crazy. It can be the simplest of things- like dinner- but then there are some bigger decisions that I keep flip flopping on. I was supposed to go to Boston a few weeks ago and put off buying my ticket for so long that before I knew it, it was two days before I was supposed to go, and ticket prices had skyrocketed into the 1000's! So there went that trip... A Florida trip was also in the plans for this summer and again, I put off buying my ticket but finally caved the other night and just DID IT. Now I am FLORIDA bound on Saturday... nervous? YES. But I really was bummed I missed out on Boston so I just took the leap and decided to go.
So now the biggest decision plaguing me is THE NAME! I don't know why a name is such a big deal, and why at times it is all consuming, but it is. I feel a lot of pressure to pick this PERFECT name (is there such?) It has to flow with Maeve- so I can say "BLANK" & Maeve! Dinner time!" And obviously it has to jive with McKenney. We had a few names we were tossing around and we've actually been calling him a certain name ever since we found out the gender. But of course, I'm having second thoughts.... blah. I am just SO SO SO picky! I have these crazy rules like it can't be another M name... it can't be one syllable (because Maeve is one syllable)... it can't be a name of any child I've taught (because no matter how sweet/cute/adorable that child is I will always relate that name to that kid)... my goal in naming all my kids is to have them be the only one with that name in their class (or school would be even better). I love that I only know of ONE Maeve! So I am definitely going to try and keep that tradition while naming future kids... and that leads me to the dilemma I'm currently in- we have this name that we love but I fear its too common. Now I'm on the hunt for something a little more unique- but trying desperately not to go over the deep end- I hate made up, trendy names. I am all for biblical, old fashioned names that just aren't used anymore. So with that being said... keep an ear out for some names and post them to me! :) I really need some help!!! :)

Hello! I Am Still Here... Barely :)

Oh my gosh- where do I even start??? It seems like months since I've been on here, though really its only been a few days... :) Our modem decided to take a crash Christmas day, which left us completely Internet-less. It was horrible to feel so disconnected! Especially since Comcast couldn't come out until Monday (today). In the meantime, I seemed to have missed a TON. First off, two friends gave birth to beautiful babies- Nora Sauder & Drew Barney. Both babies are gorgeous and give me even more of that lovely baby fever. Poor mommas though- from what I've read and heard, both had rough labors and deliveries. Hopefully their recovery is quick and a WHOLE lot better than mine was! I've also missed the horrific injury of little Griff- Maeve's boyfriend! The poor little guy ripped his already yucky cut open and had to get 12 stitches the day before Christmas. Poor buddy :(

So.... that is what I missed in the world of facebook and the blogosphere, here's what YOU all missed in the exciting lives of the McKenneys...

Christmas eve was beautiful and very spiritual for all of us- we went to First church of Nazarene and it was a great service. I think holidays like Christmas, get pretty emotional when you have a baby. Singing "Silent Night" and holding your sleepy baby is about as sweet as it gets. There was no nursery at the service however- which meant we had to keep taking turns bringing Maeve out into the lobby during any speaking parts. I was lucky enough though to be in the sanctuary during a really powerful song and message- we sang "Emmanuel" which is an awesome song, but the pastor really went into depth with what the song means- he said "God is FOR us. God is IN us. And God is WITH us." I think I am going to wake up every morning and silently say/think that to myself....

After the service, we came back home and Maeve was super sleepy. So there was no unwrapping new Christmas pjs as I had imagined or eating a Christmas cookie by the fire... it was more like stripping Maeve down, wiping her face off and keeping Ryan company as he put together what seemed like a thousand toys. Around 11 or so, we finally went to bed- and we had every intention of watching "A Christmas Story" which plays for 24 hours on Christmas eve, but after the toy putting together, last minute wrapping and baking, we were beat and after about 5 minutes I think we were both zonked out.

Surprisingly enough, Maeve slept in until 9 or so Christmas morning- AWESOME!!! That was our Christmas present right there! :) I was SOOOOO excited to bring Maeve out in the living room and show her the stacks of presents, beautifully wrapped and the wagon waiting to be sat in... To say the least, I was disappointed when Maeve ran out into the living room, completely ignored all the presents, the wagon, her ride on toy and all the other goodies, and went straight for her car- the same car that has sat in our living room for months. Hmmm.... I made Ryan put the car in the back bedroom and I led Maeve around to all the toys, showing her all the cool new things she had to play with. To my delight, she loved (LOVES) the wagon and she also enjoys the ride on toy. Other than that, she didn't give a hoot about anything else. We opened our stockings first, which took a lot of fighting- (i was trying to get her to pose with her stocking- she wanted to MOVE) but lucky for her, I had stuffed it full of CANDY. And since it was Christmas morning, we gave her a few Junior mints and m&ms. She was a happy bubba after that :)

Next stop- my parents house. We had a yummy breakfast casserole and opened more presents... every year I feel guilty for how much we get. I keep telling my parents/ grandma that its SOOOOO not nessecary to go so overboard! I would've been happy with my beautiful pair of Uggs :) YEA!!! But they enjoy spoiling us... Maeve got 2 baby dolls, a kitchen and a shopping cart... plus a hundred bucks to Gymboree, a hundred bucks to Target and hundred bucks to Toys R Us. That kid MADE OUT like a bandit.

After my parents house, it was rush, rush, rush over to Ryan's parents house. We had lunch (which was literally like 45 minutes after a HUGE breakfast) and opened MORE presents. I am happy to announce between my parents, my grandma, his grandparents and his parents we have ALL of our spring break covered and accounted for!!!! HOW GREAT DOES THAT FEEL??????

Maeve started to get cranky around 2ish so we decided it was time to head home and get a nap in. All 3 of us fell asleep- although in separate rooms- me, back in the bedroom watching TLC, Ryan in the living room watching football and Maeve in her room.

Christmas dinner was at my parents house and it was really nice. We had everyone there from our immediate family... even Meghan! :) And after dinner, me, Meg, Ryan and my dad wasted a couple of hours on youtube looking at hilarious yet inappropriate stuff :)

Finally it was time to head back home to our house- if you think you've missed something- like Maeve opening HER presents- you're wrong- it was like 9 at night and she still had like 20 presents to open. She was fading fast so Ryan and I took it upon ourselves to open the bulk of them. She was SO not into Christmas.

I have to say, I was a bit disappointed. I mean, I knew she wasn't going to understand Christmas but I thought at the very least she'd be into ripping paper! She just had not interest in it. I went to bed Christmas night feeling a tad bit let down.

SO after Christmas and all its glory, we had 3 amazing WORK-FREE days with daddy!!!!! We soaked them up, relishing in all the time we got as a family. We went out for breakfast, lunch and dinner EVERY day! And we drove up to Great Lakes Crossing one day to take Maeve to "Rainforest Cafe" and to their indoor amusement park. It was a great 3 days :)

TODAY, Monday, was pretty eventful- I woke up with my left eye gooped shut. Pink eye???? Who knows. I have a doc. appointment tomorrow. It was also my weekly appointment up in Ann Arbor- so off I drove with one eye blurry and shut to my anxiety clinic. Turns out it was a good thing I made it there- the dang pharmacy that filled my prescription last time messed up and DOUBLED my dosage!!! Isn't that grounds for suing or something??? I mean all it did was give me the runs (sorry for TMI) but still- I was supposed to only be taking TEN mg. of the meds.- they gave me 20 mg. tablets...

I also went to the Y today and started some weight lifting- its amazing how out of shape I am. Like its really disgusting. My muscles have seemed to atrophied or something. I feel so funny- like a fish out of water, in that weight room... but I have a goal- 115 lbs. by spring break or bust.

Anyways, I feel like I am forgetting to tell you a million things... but at the moment, my eye is dripping with God knows what and I am exhausted from driving to and from Ann Arbor.

OH- one more thing- Ryan, Maeve and I are going to drumroll please................................................... the Westin (HAHAHAHAHAHA) this weekend to celebrate New Years. Gosh darn it we're so adventurous! Someone stop us! No really, I'm excited to get a night away and to ring in the new year at the good ol' Detroit Metro. Yeah, I think its safe to say we've got an obsession :)

Quick Question-

WHY DO I STILL LIVE IN MICHIGAN???? I absolutely hate it- this town, the weather, its all too depressing. I left the house ONCE yesterday at 4:00 to go to work, and it was freezing and horrid outside. And the thought that this is just the very tip top of the ice burg- us Michiganders have a GOOD 6 months left of this. Seriously- its depressing. I'm going to Florida with my mom in January and then again in April, but these stretches of biting cold and depressing gray skies in between are sometimes too much to bear. I am trying to think of places to get out of this house and go, but jeez everywhere costs money! If we lived in a warmer climate, it would be like "Maeve lets put on your bathing suit and head to the beach!" UGH... MARK MY WORDS: This McKenney family WILL be moving at some point- who knows when- Ryan says within the next few years... but I daydream all day long about just picking up and leaving (with Ryan and MaeMae of course!!!!) Just packing up our stuff and heading south... but now we're strapped down to a house... and jobs... so really, that wouldn't be possible... and Ryan isn't nearly enough spontaneous to do that. I, on the other hand, if possible, would be on the phone with the UHAUL company faster than you can say Florida.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...

OH MY GOSH I had such an awful, horribly terrible day yesterday (9/10). Lets start off with me completely smashing into another car... YEAH. I was backing out of my parents driveway and totally caved in the side of this poor womans car. Luckily she wasn't in it, but her car is badly damaged and guess who pays... OH and the whole back of my car is nicely dented.

Then ironically, as I was driving home MY car started smoking out of the hood. It smelled like burning sugar... I made it home and it was still smoking and making this horrible noise. I called Ryan, he came home and took my car in... I need a new radiator fan and a repair in the coolant tank... obviously the rear end needs fixing too.

Also, prayers are needed for a good freind of mine... she's suffered a devestating loss.

Anyways, life is tough right now- but its a LOT tougher for some others. I am thankful and feel completely blessed to have my cranky, teething, HEALTHY daughter.

Round 2... Ding! Ding!

Here we go yet again! Maeve is cutting her top two teeth- and those buggers are being STUBBBBBBORN. Some mornings I look and it seems like any second they're gonna pop through, then other mornings (like today) they've pushed back up into her gum. Thankfully Maeve AND I are handling these 2nd set of teeth much better than the first! The first set scared me because I wasn't totally sure it was teething- I was thinking either A.) an ear infection or B.) Someone has stolen my child and replaced her with a crazy baby! But sure enough those 2 bottom teeth did finally pop through and the world was good again- for about a week... Maeve started showing signs of teething this past Saturday and as the week has gone on, she has these 2 little ridges of white starting to cut through on top. Basically I've realized to survive teething you need LOTS of tylenol or motrin (don't worry- I got the okay from the doc. to make her as comfy as possible- I usually give her motrin because it lasts longer, but sometimes I switch it up and give her tylenol) you need a good stash of those frozen teething rings and a hefty supply of orajel- which does the trick for about a whole 5 minutes. Also, any type of schedule needs to be chucked out the window- I really find a lot of stability and sanity when we're on a schedule so its painful for me to do this- but really, when shes teething, nothing is normal or on schedule. She wants to go to bed earlier, which means she wakes up at UNGODLY hours. But sometimes (as hard as it may be for this OCD mom) I just have to go with the flow... so today she woke up around 4:30, then again at 7 for good. She took a mini nap from 10-10:30, then she zonked out at 12:45- wayyyy too early for a nap in my opinion because she will be up at 2:30ish and be dragging around 5 and ready for bed around 7- then we will be up in the A.M. at 4:30 again. See my point? Really, teething is awful and I can't wait to be done with it. Its also made me think LOOOONG and hard about baby #2. Do I wanna go through all this junk so soon? I think not. I mean, I still want to have my kids close together but now 3 years is starting to sound better... I want Maeve outta diapers and I also want her to understand whats going on. I think its so cute when kids are excited about becoming big sis's or big bros. So for a lonnng while (hopefully....) it will just be the 3 of us! We're also going to milk the under 2 flying rule for as looooong as possible. So far this year, we're planning THREE trips to Florida... HOLY COW. Disney in October, spring break in March, and a wedding in May(?)-still not sure of the exact date yet. Anyways its nice to only have to pay for 2 tickets :) So we're gonna be traveling machines!
Thats it for now- its around 2 here and I have about 45 minutes to fold laundry, sweep my nasty floors and get the house in order for Maeve to re-destroy it. Fun, fun, fun!

Update On Teething

Oh my GOSHHHHHHH!!!!!! Nightmare! That would be the one word I would use to describe it- its horrible! Poor Maeve is so incredibly uncomfortable and I have to keep telling myself that- because it is BAD NEWS around the Ladwig-McKenney house lately. Let me explain:

Firstly, Maeve has never been the type of kid to cuddle, sleep a lot or be complacent. She is a spark plug to say the least! She likes to fight me on everything, push the limits and she can do it all on 5 hours of sleep- REALLY! She amazes Ryan and I on a daily basis... she will be up umpteen times during the night but still be able to wake up at 6ish and have boundless energy. Its so strange!

She wants nothing to do with the frozen teethers, or cuddling, or anything soothing like that- she just wants to fuss it out. And it is sooooooo waring on me. At the end of the day I feel emotionally spent and sometimes like a horrible mom because my baby cried for a good portion of the day. Its really quite depressing... BUT we're getting through it one tooth at a time... (or two- she has her two bottom teeth)

I would love any suggestions, thoughts or opinions on this!!!! We need some sleep! ALL of us- even Maeve! She just doesn't know it yet :)

Peace, Love & Lobsters

Haha... so I am BACK from Boston- back with stories to tell and a refreshed look at life. Did you know a week in solitude (meaning no tv, internet, phone service, etc.) can do that to a person? For just about my entire life I've fallen asleep to a television and to be honest, I was terrified to go to sleep in dark silence... maybe because it would force me to think about things. Who knows, but for some reason the background of the tv seems to wash out any negative thoughts before bedtime. Negativity screws up your sleep... ANYWAYS, about New England!

SO MUCH FUN! The flight was awesome- very uneventful and short- just how I like 'em. We flew over Canada so I got to see Niagra falls from the plane which was pretty sweet. It looked like a giant whirlpool. We actually landed in Providence, RI. A small, lazy airport which was great because the last thing I needed were the lines and rudeness that Detroit metro has to offer. After we got our bags and weaved our way out the door and into my moms car, we were on our way into Boston. We stayed in Boston (downtown) for 3 days- it was awesome! I love cities :) I think I've talked about my obsession with airpots in a previous post but yeah, I love people and I love it when people are on agendas- thats usually what you find in big cities. LOTS of people in a hurry to get somewhere. And I love to be in places that don't sleep. We stayed in the Chinatown district the first night, which I loved- (we were RIGHT next to Tufts Medical). Boston is the perfect city- tons of history which always adds depth to a place, but completely modernized, and very clean. :) What a green city they are! The 2 other nights we moved on over to Cambridge (which is right across the St.Charles River). While in Boston, we saw all the touristy stuff and did a couple activities for the kids. (Alec & Maeve) We did the aquarium, the science musuem, we walked through the commons, etc. It was adorable because my grandma, who is from New England, knows Boston and all of its surrounding areas like the back of her hand. She was guiding us all over the place, telling us naughty stories of her drunken college days. She pointed out bars and would say stuff like "Oh Ashley! I've had many a martini there!" My personal fave. story was about how it used to be legal to drink and drive... we asked her, "So you were driving down the road with a beer in your hand?" And she said, "Well no, I didn't drink beer. It was probably a fifth of vodka." OH grams :)

We also took a drive up to New Hamp. to see my sis who is working at a camp in the middle of nowhere. It took about 4 hours to get there and I wasn't sure if we'd make it back. Those dang mountain roads are scary- I had to pop an ativan. (haha confession) But it was worth the drive- Meghan was in desperate need of some visitors and we got to see where she had been living for the summer. It was really beautiful and rainy and misty up there... It was so fresh and new feeling- I enjoyed it :)

The 3rd day we didn't do much Boston-y stuff. We pretty much took a walk, ate breakfast/lunch and drove to my Grandmas.
My grandma inherited her old house in Fairhaven, Mass. which just happens to be a quaint (very quaint) cottage right on the ocean. It was absolutely breathtaking- not the cottage but the ocean. I had been there as a kid, but I was so interested in all of that darn pioneer/plymouth rock crap that I missed out on the beauty of the ocean and the people. I LOVE the residents of Fairhaven- it was like being in the movie "Jaws" (which is a fave. of mine). I enjoy how they love their seafood, the Red Sox and the weather. Smile :)

We spent the week eating, sight seeing and reflecting- I say reflecting because after dinner there was absolutely NOTHING to do. There was one television but it was constantly inhabited by my little brother and it wasn't worth the fight to try and get him to change the channel off of "Hannah Montana." (haha soooo called him out on that one!!!! He's got a big 'ole crush on Miley!) Anyways, I was in this tiny room that had ceilings so low that I (yes 5"2) me hit my head on probably 4 times a day. But I have to say it was so peaceful at night, listening to my ipod and thinking of "things." I won't be specific about every thought I had- (not that my thoughts are very interesting... they're just my own I guess). I thought lots of Ryan and our relationship and the love sleeping next to me. It had been a LONG time since I had been away from him for that long, and I CRAZY missed him. I came to the conclusion that I couldn't be a single mom. And I prayed every night (oh yeah thats another thing- I got a long prayer in every night- undisturbed by tv or people) that God would never do that to me- make me a single mom. I thought about having more babies... I thought a lot about my parenting skills- what I want to improve on and what I think I have mastered. Patience is something I desperately want and NEEEEED. Especially with Maeve :) Sweet bugger- she is such a pistol. Constantly defying me and pushing the limits... and she is only 10 months old! Yikes. I thought how its funny that for almost 10 years I've been madly in love with the same person. And how I truly believe there is one person for everyone- God gave me Ryan so early and its been such a tough journey to get where we are today (not that we're in this perfect place) that I wonder why we couldn't have met later in life. But thats all water under the bridge... I thought about how when I got back I was going to be thankful for Ryan and what he does for me- rather I was going to make it a point to SHOW him how thankful I am for what he does for me. (I am not speaking pervertedly here either) Just "show" him by holding his hand more often, cooking his fave. meals more, and simply saying thanks. All of which, I had been slacking on.

The trip ended too soon and just in time- thats how I felt anyways. I wanted more, but I was SO ready to be home. I kind of took this weekend to relax and enjoy my hubby :) Its been awesome- I feel refreshed and refocused (HAHA emily) and ready to take on being a housewife and mother again.

Sometimes all you need is a little get away to throw things back into perspective.

Thankful.

Yesterday was so incredibly horrible, I can hardly blog about it. I ended up calling the doctor Monday morning to set up an appointment for Miss Maeve because she was still acting sick and cranky. They got us right in that morning- I was thinking she had an ear infection so I wasn't even thinking too much about the appointment.

When we got there, we had to wait back in the little room for about 20 minutes- THAT was hard as heck itself- Maeve wanted DOWNNNNNN. She wanted to crawl all over the grubby, contaminated floors and when I wouldn't let her- WOOOOOOAHHHH baby (actually i should say WAAAAAAHHHHH baby). She was a nightmare- screaming, kicking, flailing around, etc. I was trying to keep her on my lap and entertain her with my keys and my cell phone- she whacked me across the face with the phone and actually threw the keys on the floor. I know, I am such a bad mom for not letting her play in the bio-hazard bin right??? Jeeshhhh.

Finally the doc came in and we did the whole pinning her down thing while she checked her ears, nose, throat and belly. The doc. said she noticed some redness in her throat- so she thought she probably had strep. She ordered a strep test and thats when the real madness started. The nurse came in and told me to hold Maeve's arms and legs down, while she (the nurse) would hold her head and swab. So I put Maeve up on the table and was holding her arms and legs and the nurse seriously- put her in a headlock. I was like "okay, whatever, I guess thats what they have to do to get a swab." Well of course Maeve did NOT like it one bit and started to scccreeeeeeaaaaammmm and flail like a fish. The nurse kept ramming that dang swab in her mouth and Maeve was coughing and choking and gagging like crazy- at one point she couldn't even catch her breath because she was choking so bad. I started sobbing, and was telling the nurse "Okay! Thats enough now! She's done!" But the nurse kept saying "I gotta get it!" So this went on for about 2 minutes (which isn't a lot of time) but it really is when your kid is gagging and looking at you with those eyes, and trying to mottle out a cry but can't because she's out of breath and choking so badly. It was horrible. As soon as BI-atch nurse was done I scooped my girl up and cried with her. I'm sure it was a pathetic scene but I couldn't help it. When she gets her shots its sad, but its over soooo quickly and Maeve hardly cries- this was so different. It was like she was scared and suffering through the whole throat swab ordeal. And to watch your child upset, hurt and scared is completely heartbreaking. Which leads me to the whole purpose of this post- not to tell you about Maeve's throat swab (which turned out to be negative) but to tell you all how thankful I am that I had to watch her ONLY get a throat swab.

Do you ever watch that St. Judes show on Sunday mornings? Ryan has to come in and shut it off sometimes because I will just sit there and sob. I pray everyday that God will never put me in the situation that those parents are in. How can they be so strong and bring their child in for pokes, tests, scans and surgeries day after day after day??? I can't even wrap my head around it. It really makes Maeve's whole shot/swab incidents seem completely insignificant, and in the grand scheme of things, it really is. Next time we go in for an appointment, I will look at things differently, and be thankful that I am taking her in for a "wellness" check at the local pedi.

To conclude this very depressing post(I feel like Debbie Downer right now) , I am very,unbelievably THANKFUL to at this point, only had to have dealt with shots and a throat swab. Life could be so much worse.
I need to make it a point every day, no matter how busy life gets, to send up a thankful prayer. Because really, we are SO blessed and I am truly thankful for what He has given us.

"Maybe I've been better off with things that can't be locked at all..."

"I’ve been losing lots of keys lately,
I don’t know what that means
But maybe I’ve been better off with things that can’t be locked at all"
"Losing Keys", Jack Johnson


Alright, I just had to start off this post with something about keys... I did the most horrible, awful, brainless thing ever today. I already feel like a terrible mom so no need for berating: I LOCKED THE KID IN THE CAR.
It was the longest 15 minutes of my life. We were out at the studio (where I work)and I was getting Maeve into the car. I was letting her play with the keys, she pressed the lock button on them without me knowing it, I tossed the keys to the front seat, shut her door and just like that, the most precious thing in my life was locked in a HOT car. My first reaction, seriously- was a laugh- I laughed out of pure terror and unbelief. I looked around and there was NOBODY. I was alone in the middle of the parking lot. So first, I called Ryan and told him to hurry with the spare keys... then I ran inside the studio and started causing chaos by yelling "I locked my baby in the car!!!!" Soon I had about 4 moms trailing behind me outside to the jeep. This was the absolute worst part of it all- my whole car was surrounded by moms and kids who were knocking on the windows trying to get Maeve happy- yeeeahhhh... so all that did was get her upset and she started to wail. I wanted to punch out the window and grab her, and I would have but I was on the phone with Ryan and he was keeping me updated on where he was, and he really wasn't too far away. So I just stood there paralyzed while all the other mommies were trying to entertain Maeve. Then all of a sudden these two college guys walked up and saw the situation (which by this point was looking really desperate). Being guys, they knew exactly what to do- they got a snow scraper and wedged the passenger door, then got this skinny little pole and stuck it down through the gap in the door and wiggled the lock enough to open the door! Maeve was probably in the car a total of 10 minutes and that was a long time for a baby to be in a hot car. The whole situation makes me sick and brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.
Its really been such a long, hard day... full of lots of emotion :( What I need to do is go to sleep and start over tomorrow.... that's all you can do as a mom... you don't get do overs when you do something wrong, you just learn from it, hope you don't do it again, and move on.

If You're Not A Mom You Won't Understand...

My First Time Breastfeeding Maeve :)

Sorry to be so exclusive here, but I don't want you to think I am nuts... breastfeeding is one of the most special and intimate times you'll ever share with your baby. I've blogged about this before, but never in such detail... I thought I would explain exactly what happened and where I stand today with the whole thing. This is another one of my infamous "gross.. TMI (too much info) posts..."

Here goes:
I started producing massive amounts of colustrum (that nutritious yellow stuff) in my 20th week of pregnancy. According to other pregnant friends and my doctor, that was kind of early to be producing it, but it was a good sign that I would have ample milk supply. I was excited :) I wanted to bfeed Maeve for a good, solid year... maybe even to 18 months or so. For those of you who know me well, I am a germaphobe and I have kind of crazy food habits (or food preparation) I guess... So, I was excited because I was thinking "NO dishes to wash, nothing to sanitize! Just BOOBS!"
I really didn't put too much stock into breastfeeding classes or books or any of that stuff... I thought it was such a natural thing, that Maeve would pop out (oh just a heads up for those without children -babies don't POP out) and I would feed her. Simple as that.
It *almost* happened like that- like I said before, she didn't pop out, but she did latch right on and eat for about 10 minutes right after I had her. I was thrilled :) But unfortunately, my good luck didn't last long. In the hospital, she wasn't getting enough colustrum and she was turning yellower by the minute. So I had to supplement with formula. YUCK. I was pissed. But determined to get it to work... SO when I got home from the hospital I tried and tried and tried. I would sit on the bed and SOBBBBBBBBB while jamming my nipple into Maeves mouth- mind you Maeve was screaming and starving. It was really one of the most stressful times in my life. For the first 3 weeks of her life, I pumped my brains out. The only time she had formula was in the hospital- I refused to let that stuff in my house. (haha I was acting like formula was freaking arsenic or something) After a few DAYS of pumping I thought I was going to lose my mind- and I think I did. My nipples were raw and cracked. My boobs were as big as watermelons and the color of a sunset (red and purple hues). One night, after a long day of pumping, I noticed that I had this horrible red spot on my right breast. It felt like fire and was hard to the touch... almost felt like there was a marble under my skin. Right about the time I noticed this spot, I started to feel achy, feverish and flu-like. I am not kidding- within hours, I had a fever of 104 and my boobs were as hard as rocks. Trip number ONE to the ER... I had mastitis. :( BLAH. They put me on some antibiotics and advised me to slow down on the pumping. I did both and was mastitis free for another week. Then just as it had happened the first time, I got it AGAIN not twice, not three times, not even 4 times... but FIVE TIMES. Yes- I had mastitis 5 times in the first 2 months of breastfeeding!!!! Come to find out, I was pumping too hard- the pump was pulling and aggravating my ducts... nice. I will most definitely not make that mistake again! Anyways, rewind to like my 3rd week of pumping... I went in to see my friend/midwife Laura for some breastfeeding help. I was beaten down to a pulp... I felt I had nothing left and needed some professional lactation help and support! Laura was exactly what I needed! She had Maeve latching on and sucking like a pro!!!! So I was officially a breastfeeding mommy... I was so proud :) Besides the mastitis every 2 weeks, the first 2 months of breastfeeding actually went well. I LOVED my time with Maeve and she loved my boobies. It was great.
Month 3 rolled around and this was about the time my anxiety started. I was in and out of the ER with my attacks and I was given the "Its time to go on meds" speech about 100 times. But I was DEAD SET in breastfeeding this child to a year! So I kept saying no to any sort of medication. This lasted for about another month... it was right around January that I finally broke. I gave in and decided to go on medication for my anxiety. So came the time to wean Maeve. It was devastating. For weeks I cried and cried... I wouldn't even make her a bottle because I couldn't stand the smell of formula. I made Ryan prepare all the bottles and I would gag as I fed them to her. I suppose I'm a bit of a drama queen but breastfeeding was of utmost importance to me. Cutting off my milk supply was harrrrd. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but never the less, it sucked. I eventually made it through the weaning phase and learned to love not wearing breast pads! It had become so normal for me (I had to start wearing them at 5 months preggo!) that I forgot what life was like without them. I pulled out my old bras in anticipation that my boobs would deflate.
Well ladies, here it is about 5 months to the day that I quit breastfeeding and I am STILL wearing my DD's. My boobs are about as big as ever. And they leak constantly... which led me to todays post and my experiment. You have to understand, I have been watching milk trickle out of me for months and months. I always think to myself "Daaaang there goes some good milk... all down the drain." If you have been reading my blog, you know that I have been weaning off of my anxiety meds. Today I am on ativan AS NEEDED... which on a good day is none and on a bad day is 1-2. (thats pretty good... I was taking 4 a day- haha 1 ativan is equivalent to 3 beers. I was walking around with 12 beers in me a day- HOLY SHMOLY) Also ativan has a half life of about 8 hours- thats pretty short for such a strong medication. SO anyways, back to today- I have not taken an ativan... the last time I took one was the other night...today my milk is gooooood and clean. So Maeve was fussy, fussy, fussy at the studio (where I work) and I had no bottle... (haha I bet you guys are thinking "No she didn't!!!!") YES I DID. I breastfed Maeve today. I swear it! I swear it on anything! I breastfed Maeve today!!!!!!!!! Only for about 5 minutes but that little bugger was sucking away! And laughing and biting :) It was amazing :) I remembered how much I love it and how special it truly is. It calmed Maeve right down and I think she probably only got about an ounce of milk but I am beaming right now. Just to have a minute to feed her like that... well I am crying right now, writing about it :/
I don't know why breastfeeding means so much to me, but it does. And it always will. Of course my mind is reeling right now with thoughts about how to restore my milk supply... and there are ways! But who knows... I don't want to deprive Maeve of anything, so maybe I will just try and get enough supply to fill in between big feedings. Or maybe not even that- this was probably just a fluke... whatever it was, it was a great few minutes for me and Maeve.
Breastfeeding moms, I am so jealous of you- its so painful because I KNOW what its like to breastfeed- I know the bond, I know the benefits.

Ahhh, anyways thats my whole breastfeeding story. Long, sad, true :) I will keep y'all updated on what I decide to do (reestablish my milk supply or not?).

Lola- The Reason Why I Have To Be Medicated

Swollen Lola.

Holy cow, she looked so bad!

This is normally how she's supposed to look....

Meet Lola- she is a 2 year old boxer who destroys my house, our yard and anything else that she can get her paws on. She's like that great white shark from Jaws; creating havoc and chaos in her wake, except that this isn't Amity, its my life. I could go on for hours about why she makes me feel lightheaded and like I'm going to hyperventilate any second, but I'll spare you. Instead, let me address what happened yesterday...

It was such a stressful and busy day, the last thing I needed was to deal with that bug eyed monster. Plus she had been super naughty that morning... so I put her outside, thinking she'd be fine while I cleaned and picked up the house. I ended up falling asleep, forgetting she was out there and then LEAVING to go to my parents house for my dads party! I got over to the house and my mom asked about Lola and I was like "OH SNAP! I forgot to let her in!!!" My mom said I should high tail it back over to my place because it had been a bit toasty... I brushed her off and said "Yeah right, I don't have that kind of luck... (meaning Lola was still very much alive). Oh my gosh that sounds horrible- please no animal lover people get me! I would never want Lola to meet an untimely death, thats why when I got home and found her with her face the size of New Jersey I completely freaked the heck out. I called my mom and Ryan and Dad and was bawling, saying "There's something really wrong with Lola! I think I killed her!!!" You see, when I got home she was as bloated as a blimp, lying on the back porch- I thought the heat had really done her in! All those times I had been sarcastically saying I wish Lola would kick the bucket were coming back to haunt me...

Good news though- she stirred when she heard me rumbling through the house (I was too afraid to go out on the porch b/c I honestly thought she was dead!) and ran over to the window. AHHH! "She's alive!!!!" My mom and Ryan ended up coming over and checking her out- we all came to the conclusion that we needed to call the vet ASAP. The vet had us bring her in, and it turned out that Lola had been attacked by a swarm of wasps or bees... apparently she's allergic? haha :) She's such an idiot, but I did feel really bad for- until we gave her benedryl last night and she lost control of her bladder and peed all over our bedroom. Yup, thats Lola.

Oh, What a Night!

Well, last night, Ryan and I thought it might be a good idea to take Maeve to the park to get some of her energy out because she hasn't been going to sleep very well, or staying asleep for that matter. So around 9:00 (yeah we pushed it to the last second of daylight) we walked her down the park and had her climbing up the stairs, going down the slides, swinging, anything to burn off whatever sugar she may have ingested. We walked back home, I gave her a bath, Ryan gave her a bottle and as soon as the bottle was gone, Maeve popped up and started babbling. UGHHHHH.... it was 11:00 PM and she was wide eyed and bushy tailed... So began our list of sleep tactics that the experts say to do: We set her in her crib and let her "cry it out." After the alloted 30 minutes that you're supposed to wait till you go in and check on her, she was STILL screaming her eyeballs out. But as soon as I picked her up she was all smiles and babbles. So we tried another bottle... she wanted nothing to do with it. By this time, I was half asleep as Ryan was walking around trying to get her to sleep and I woke up and saw her bedroom light on. Ryan was sleeping on the floor and Maeve was playing with that darn train again!!! I was like "Ryan? What the heck are you guys doing? You can't let her play in the middle of the night!! She's gonna think this is okay to do!!" So he picked her up and we made yet ANOTHER bottle- this time she drank some of it and passed right out. It was all good for about 4 hours. Then around 4 AM we were awoken by a banging... Maeve was head butting (my sweet little girl head butting???) the wall next to her playpen. SO we brought her in bed with us to try and get her to sleep... nothing worked. So Ryan got up with her around 5...
What the heck is going on??? Can we all please pray that this is just a phase? Because if I have a nocturnal child I might go insane...