all I can manage for tonight

• I cancelled my much anticipated silver in six retreat.  The one I worked all year for.  The one that has been inching closer and closer on my calender.  The one that's marked off in yellow and blue polka dots in my planner as my "SILVER RETREAT!"  It stings, it hurts, its real.  And honestly, I don't want to talk about it.  A few days ago I was shuffling through the house.  My 89 year old grandma who helps with Maeve and Henry was there;  she had taken them on a walk while the little ones napped, so I could nap.  (LOVE YOU GRAMS).  As I slunk out of my bedroom my grandma caught sight of me and said "Oh Ashley, you have your trip coming up!  What are you going to do?   You can't go alone and travel like this."  And I had been thinking that for awhile;  ever since the MS thing.  I had kept it a secret thought in my head like, "I'm going to admit when I come back from the silver retreat that I almost didn't go- but I'm so glad I trusted in God and went for it!"  Hahaha.  And then she said those words and I was forced to say something back.  And it sounded like, "Yeah, I know, grandma."  I cancelled my travel plans before Ryan got home to stop me.  
• I want the leg puffers/pumpers they give you in the hospital to prevent blood clots.  I want them BAD.  Someone tell me where I can get them!?!?
• This "thing" whatever it is.... whether its MS or bad kidneys,  or just my flippin lot in life.  It's too much to carry on a daily basis.  I thought about this in depth tonight.  How many times have I  gotten on here to declare victory over some thing I can't even grab a hold of?  "I am going to stay strong and eat healthy.... blah blah blah."  It's enough to make me vomit.  The truth?  It's too much.  IT'S TOO FREAKING MUCH.  I can't carry this.  I can't carry it for a day... two days, three days.  It's too heavy.  There are too many blows and knock downs.  It's hard to admit that I'm not "okay."  That things aren't hunky dory! :D (my mom always uses that phrase...)  But they're not.  They're just not.  Some days- some moments I'm given that sweet swish of the life that was mine a year ago.  A night at the park; a visit with a friend.  Those things are so obsolete right now.  When something "big" (like a park night, or a walk, or whatever...) I feel so good.  Warm and normal.  And I start coming up with a grocery list.  I get half way through before I remember "I need to cath myself."  And then the entire sunshiney day dream comes crashing down.  THIS is reality.  THIS is what's happening right now and there's nothing- no magic pill- or oil- that's going to change this.  It's a domino effect;  and I know this.  One step is going to lead to another step, that will lead to another, etc.  I'll take a few steps back; that's for sure.  But its also to be expected.  Anyways, what I'm saying is I don't have anything together.  I'm winging it every day, all day.  But I have the hope of the Lord; and I've said this a million times to Ryan and my friends- I seriously don't know what someone would do without that knot to grab onto.  Obviously I know people do it daily; lose a loved one, diagnosed with cancer, etc.  and they don't know the Lord.  But with my hope and faith in Jesus, its like this giant cushion.  I know the entire world can come crashing down.... just give me Jesus.